How to help with showering in a house where they have no access to a shower?

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How to help with showering in a house where they have no access to a shower?

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We live with my mom in my family home. All the tubbed/shower bathrooms are upstairs and she refuses to let me utilize a disabled shower in the kitchen. She says it’s too cold and she is too modest to stand naked in her kitchen to shower. We have a half bath downstairs where she can use a washcloth but she says it hurts too much to stand for long periods so she only washes her hair when I take her to the beauty parlor and rarely washes herself. I’ve offered to take her shower chair to my sister’s house where they have a basement bathroom with a shower. But she won’t do that either says she is afraid she’ll fall. Basically it’s been nearly two months since she bathed herself and she smells terrible. I don’t know how to say it to her without hurting feelings or upsetting things. There is nothing wrong with her physical cognitive abilities other than her still grieving over my dad’s unexpected passing in 2016 and her own declining physical health. Any suggestions?

Bathing Hygiene Mobility

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I would wash my dad while he sat on the toilet lid. I would put a towel over the lid. I used no rinse products in a basin of warm water. I always rinsed him with clean water after using the products to make sure there was no residue. I washed what little hair he had with the no rinse shampoo but still rinsed his head with clean water using a washcloth. I used many towels to keep him covered and warm.

The bathroom had a wall heater that we used and we would turn on the house heater before we started even in summer so he never got cold.

My sister was disabled and not able to use a shower. We were able to wash her hair using a shampoo funnel that we bought at Sally's Beauty Supply. We had a hose sprayer that would fit over the bathroom sink faucet. My sister would be in her wheelchair and have her back to the sink.

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Sponge bath in bed...use chucks underneath her

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Being firm with mom is the first place to start. Someone else mentioned getting the doctor involved - no bathing leads to infections, leads to hospital, leads to nursing home mom!!!!

Sometimes getting outside help works as they can be firm and not capitulate to mom's refusals.

If she really will not use the portable in the kitchen (turn the heat up until showering is done, be firm, trying all the tricks and helpful comments, etc doesn't work), is it possible to replace the sink/vanity in the half bath with a shower? It could be used for hand-washing as well, after toileting, or the kitchen sink could be used as well. That way she would still have a toilet, would have a smaller contained area for private showering and it would not be too difficult to restore the sink/vanity later.

That said, it really does sound more like excuses, excuses, excuses - I would personally lean on the semi-threat of infection/hospital/nursing home. If nothing else, how embarrassed might she be if she has to go to a doctor, ER or stay in the hospital for something else and have strangers be aware of her uncleanliness and odor (I would not hesitate to tell her she smells!!!)?

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How about using gentle hot wipes for essential areas? Years ago people didn't have showers / baths every day. Today we may be too concerned about daily baths each day. Encouragement to just clean essential areas may be sufficient. Important for the person to be kept warm

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One possibility that might suit your house is to put a rail for a shower curtain in one corner of the kitchen. We have one, a right angle of about 4 feet. The curtain helps with modesty and also drafts. A child’s wading-pool/ sand-pit ‘shell’ inside the curtain with a shower chair placed in the shell, and a flexible hand-held shower attached to the kitchen sink tap, completes the arrangement. The shower curtain pulls back out of the way when you are done. So much depends on your plumbing, so this is just one more possible option. Perhaps you can get tough, but only once there is a workable arrangement.

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What a great idea!

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Have gone thru the same thing with my mom and aunt. Basically, they just didn’t want to bathe. I had to be firm and just tell them they had to. I’m not not sure if u r eligible, but look into home health sending someone out. They responded much better to them than me. God bless you. Will send up prayers. Caregiving is a very difficult and I have found, many times, thankless job.

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There is always a way to handle a problem if you think and pray on it. When it was difficult for my late mother to rise up, I took a hot, soapy tub of water to her bedside. I bathed her in sections so that she would not get cold--arms then towel, legs then towel, upper body then towel and lower body then towel. You may want to try this. You could hum or sing hymns to your LO softly as you're doing this.

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Get her a pass at a local pool - for a small amount she can shower as long as she wants & THERE IS NO SHOWER TO CLEAN AFTERWARDS!! - we live where we can go nearly everyday of year for less than $40.00 - we [DH & I] sometimes pour water in our shower to keep the drain level up so no sewer gases come up because that's how long we go between showering at home -

If she will participate in an exercise programme so much the better - however I strongly recommend that she have water shoes both for the anti-slip factor & keeping her feet off the gritty, yucky tiles in the facility - I got a pair that I love & I go 3 to 5 times a week - try it it might work & first 3 times go as 'pay as you go' so if she doesn't like it then there is one thing off the list of possibilities - good luck

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If she is afraid of falling in the shower and she can do the stairs have you tried a shower bench or I used to use a walker that I picked up at the resale shops and my Husband would stand in the shower and be able to hold onto the walker for support. As he declined I switched to the roll in shower and a shower wheelchair. (luckily there is a handicapped accessible bathroom in the house)
but the walker helped for a long time even when he really could not wash himself he would stand and hold on it really gave him added stability.
You also might want to have her wear the shower shoes they have a non slip bottom and will prevent slipping (at least most of the time)

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Why not put water absorbent padding under her on her bed, and get a warm hand held tub of water with soap, vagisil and a hand towel and wash her up. There is never a good reason to go with out water touching your body when you have access to it. When you know better you should do better. Good luck!

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If your half bath is on the level you use, consider converting it to a walk-in shower. If you have it done with pre-fab materials, it can be re-made into a powder room when you no longer need it. It seems worth learning about. Good luck, and God bless.

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All great ideas here. We found warming up the bathroom first was a big help. Also liquid soap verses bar soap made the washing process move more quickly. We tweaked the shower faucet by changing out a part so it created more consistent temperatures. (Minor plumbing job). That helped so much. We also installed a part in boiler that prevents scalding (more costly). Since the vanity is so close to tub we had a handyman carve out leg swing room. ( Not completely cause mom likes leaning on vanity for stability) That was a big help. We have the bars all over, shower bench, sprayer. Also had to make peace between aide wanting her to use warmer temps that to mom felt too hot adding to her anxiety. I'm always looking for new ideas. The next step if necessary would be a tub turned into step in shower for everyone's ease.

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My mother no longer walks with out assistance. In the morning I wake her and walk her to the toilet. While she is on the toilet I can get down to business. I put a soft long towel over her lap and legs to help her feel modest and comforted. I put a hand towel in her hand and I have the sink ready with warm water running. I start with her face, hair, then rinse clothe well. She will automatically begin to dry her face with the hand towel bc she hates to feel wet. I sing and talk to her to reassure her the whole time and explain each processes right before I do it and as I’m doing it so she is not surprised. Then I brush her teeth, I have a little cup for her to rinse with and spit the water into when finished. All while she is seated. Then I wash upper body, neck, armpits, chest, arms belly and back, then quickly rinse with warm water wash cloth to wash off soap. While she tries to dry her front I use another hand towel to dry her arms and back ect. Then I repeat process whith legs and feet. I admit legs don’t get done every day. And feet I sometimes do while she is in bed bc it is easier on my back. Once that is done I stand her up “to wipe” now that potty time is over. After she is wiped with toilet paper and baby wipes I then do a quick and gentle wash on front to back personal area. Rinse well with warm water wash cloth, dry well, baby powder then sit her back down for dressing or put her undies on and walk her clean to bedroom for dressing. It sounds like a lot but you get into a routine and get faster and better. I set out everything I need on counter before I get her up. It is important to be gentle and soothing but quick. It helps with the embarrassment and the discomfort of sitting too long on the toilet seat. It’s not ideal but it works and having mom dirty is not an option. Good luck. I hope this helps 💗

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Your routine is lovely. Compassionate and well thought out.

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I appreciate the answers but I wasn’t clear enough in my earlier post. My mom is actually younger than most parents here she’s not yet 65, her health has just deteriorated quickly due to past mini strokes, increasingly difficult arthritis in her spine and hips and loss of 50% vision in her right eye. My dad died unexpectedly in 2016 and I really believe half her problem is emotional and grief. She’s so lost without my dad and on top of it is still adjusting to her greatly diminished independence. Unfortunately she’s as stubborn as mule. She can independently bathe herself and wash her hair, she just won’t do it, says it hurts her too much and is too much trouble. Most of it, I believe stems from fear of falling or being ashamed of needing her daughter to help her bathe. She’s always been extremely modest and shy about her body and still doesn’t like needing my help. And don’t bother suggesting counseling or group therapy to help with the emotional issues we’ve tried both and she won’t go back to either. Says they don’t do her any good and they don’t because she won’t listen. She’s too young for Medicare and her current insurance won’t pay for much. I’m at odds on how to help her. My husband and I don’t have much money to make improvements on the house to modify things to accommodate her needs. And Dad died without life insurance or savings and she lives on retirement, one pension and Socisl security so any extra money isn’t there. I just don’t know what to do.

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Be firm and tell her if she wants to live with you she needs to find a way to shower. It is non-negotiable. If she feels she can't shower than tell her she needs more assistance than you can provide and you will have to start looking at other options. You can probably start applying for Medicaid to fund a nursing home. It sounds to me like you are being emotionally manipulated, don't mean to sound harsh...with stubborn personalities it just gets worse if you allow it.

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I seems that showering is more of an issue for you than her, which is the same situation I was in. To me showers are non-negotiable. My mil had reoccurring cellulitis on her leg and wears Depends because she usually can't make it to the bathroom in time. At times when she has accidents urine gets all over her legs. Of course we have baby wipes to clean immediately but there is nothing like running water and a soapy washcloth to get clean. She would come up with every excuse in the book not to shower (it's too cold, I don't dig ditches all day, my leg hurts, it's rainy out, etc.). I decided I would not have this battle with her any longer. We discussed the issue with her primary care doctor and he told her the importance of showering and keeping her skin clean. We hired a shower aide to come in for just a few hours a week. She showers 3x a week, has her hair washed 1x a week and gets washed up the other days. If she started refusing to shower we reminded her that Dr. said and this is what you need to do to stay healthy and live at home. If she gets an infection it will mean more medication (which she hates) and possible hospitalization (which she hates even more). It has worked very well for us. Her cellulitis occurs far less frequently, she is getting exercise from showering and we all can relax knowing she is well cared for.
We also have a portable heater that can be used ahead of time to warm the hallway, we run hot water over her shower chair and the shower floor so it doesn't feel "freezing" to her when her body touches it and bought a warm terry cloth robe that she puts on right away. She lives downstairs and it is too difficult for her to walk upstairs for the main bathroom. She has a 1/2 bath downstairs but we had a shower put in. It is a separate room, almost like a closet. We hired a contractor who was able to make our boiler room smaller and use the remaining space to install a shower. It was well worth the small cost.
I realize it is not physically possible for everyone to shower but if it is more of an emotional issue (fear of falling, pride, etc.) I believe it is more beneficial to help the person overcome that than to play into their fears and make it worse. My mil is doing so much better since following a care plan (made up by us with input from her doctor). If left to do what she wanted she surely would have ended up in a nursing home by now. It's tough but our elderly loved ones need us to make good choices for them when they can't.

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Really good, detailed response. It is such a challenge to get a routine that works and sharing your experience is a way of explaining the complicated process of getting ANY result. She is blessed.

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This is something that we are dealing with ourselves. I have a half bath downstairs close to my laundry room that my parent uses daily. Because of the resistance to bathing, we wait until they enter the bathroom After parent uses the toilet and when pants are down. we enter and gently disrobed. (we are hovering right outside the partially open door). We have found that getting in at the right time really reduces the resistance and parent is very compliant. The sink is right there and we have that full of warm water. We use microfiber washcloths (find that they are very gentle). We rapidly clean and rinse. Most of the water falls into the toilet and some doesn't. We have nonskid rug on the floor and really don't mind that it gets wet. I keep a large terry cloth bathrobe to wrap parent in quickly and get them to leave the bathroom for clean clothes. We don't start any of this unless all moving parts are in place. Clean clothes are set out, Bathrobe, washcloths, soap and shampoo are all within arms reach because this is like a strike force and has to get done smoothly and quickly.

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Strike force indeed! (Mission well done!). Hovering at the closed door, lol, waiting for the critical moment. Wham, bam, back into clean clothes before the bowl flushes. High five!

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Try NoRinse Shampoo Caps and Total Protection Adult Premium Washcloths. You can do this in any downstairs room that is no so open.

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This doesn't seem to be an uncommon problem, I see people talk about it often here. While it seems like a no brainier, why would anyone want to be dirty and smelly, a shower feels so good and refreshing in actuality for some people the process of showering can take a lot out of you and be a real effort. I have Lyme and have to shower at night before bed because it takes so much out of me to shower that doing it in the morning zaps me for the rest of the day. I suspect that the same happens to many elderly patients and is a big part of why they resist. They might not even realize it or be able to pinpoint that that's the reason, after all all their lives showers have been considered refreshing. This doesn't help get them showered but keep it in mind as you try to deal with a resistant LO. The other problem of course is their sense of smell get's worse and worse as they age so it may be they really don't think they smell and since they aren't doing much to get dirty or sweaty they don't see the need. Plus we tend to not notice our own odor as easily because we get used to it as it develops.

I can understand your mom's feeling about bathing in the kitchen, feeling exposed and vulnerable. The two ideas I had right away seem to have been mentioned already but are worth repeating. If she can get PT or pool therapy, I know Medicare will often pay for various facilities that are set up for elderly either group or individual exercise and these places typically have showers that are set up for elderly patients (grab bars etc). I t might be well worth checking this out in your area, ask her doctor even. You don't have to present it to her as a way to shower even just point out that it's worth talking advantage of if she doesn't shower instinctively after exercise on her own. The other is a chair lift. You can pick them up inexpensively and usually in very good shape, after all people are going to care for equipment like that when LO's are using them. Funny side note; a flyer was in my door yesterday about a chair lift for sale in our condo dev. Small world!

I can understand why having a conversation about how she smells would be sticky and something to avoid if possible. Wish I had some advice about how to do that if you still need to other than be gentle but honest, I don't. Sorry but know that because of you and your care she knows she is loved and she is very lucky to have you and your family caring for her.

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It's wonderful that so many caregivers are here for you-offering their solutions and advice. We often receive questions like this, so in the footer at the bottom of the page within the Find Answers category we placed a small directory of senior care products that have been recommended by our users. You have been offered so many great solutions, I hope you are able to find something that works for your mother.
https://www.agingcare.com/products/1144/bathroom-bathing

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I use this chair that slides into the bath tub and locks. Even has a seat belt if needed. My mom sits on the chair out side the tub then i unlock the sliders and slowly slide her into the tub. When she gets to the tubs edge I lift one leg up and over and then the next. Continue sliding her in till it locks in place. We put a shower hose extension to the tub faucet. It works great.

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How about using the half bath? Make sure it is cozy warm. Use an over the toilet bowl basin filled with warm soapy water for her to sit in. While she is sitting, hand her a freshly wetted, sudsy disposable facecloth for her face, underarms, arms. After each area lightly rinse cloth with warm water to to keep it warm. Keep reinforcing the routine by saying “doesn’t that feel good?” Don’t expect a positive reply, but keep working through the process: hand her small towel to wipe each area so she stays warm. See how it works out on a daily basis, and see how much she can cover. Just work on getting it setup as a pleasant routine first and improvise as you go to see how much body area she can do on her own. Don’t give up, relax and gradually slip her into getting comfortable with the experience.

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Dear Kthomas629,
My mom was 94 and was exactly the same ... but we developed a system. We bathed my mom at the kitchen sink. She too, complained about being naked & cold. We bought a small portable plug in heater (Walmart for $30-$40) and ran it a few minutes before we pushed her into the kitchen. One side of the kitchen sink was almost hot or very warm soapy water and the other side very warm rinsing water. We used several washcloths to soap her, then different ones to rinse and one for drying. Get all fresh clothes, underwear and socks and put there for easy access. Cover her bottom and legs with warm towel, drape another towel over her top half like a cape and put her socks on her feet to keep her feet warm while you wash. Leave that heater running! Start washing at the top first- soap then rinse face, dry and next, upper body area with towel wrapped around her and COVER as you wash, rinse and dry. When finished washing her top half, put her bra/shirt on. Next, Mom had hard time standing for a long time so she’d hold onto kitchen sink and stand for few minutes and get her bottom washed/dried. Then she’d sit down and we would wash her legs and feet - rinse and dry. Covering as we went...keep her covered. Then put clean socks on, underwear and pants at her ankles and she’d stand up at kitchen sink only one more time, we'd pull up her underwear then her pants. Boom! Done!
Some complaints are definitely because the elderly definitely get cold and the other is modesty. Those were huge for my mom, but it worked and she felt so much better. If she’s not sitting there wet and unclothed but has towel covering her as you wash and dry her, she’ll be fine. A few times mom would say, “I’m freezing!” But we would keep the heater going and encourage her that we would be done in a few minutes, and she would feel the heater. It worked awesome and she always felt better and most importantly, got clean. Try it and let me know if it works!
I will pray that your mom would be open to this ... at least for now to get her clean... then maybe you can develop a way for her to actually get in a shower. This way is at least viable to get her clean because not bathing for a long time can cause health problems, uti, etc.
Your mom has a blessing in you and your love in caring for her is awesome!! Don’t be discouraged— keep trying... you’ll get there!

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When my husband was attending Day Care in our area, they had a shower area. People came in from the outside, didn't have to be enrolled in the Day Care and, for a small fee, were given a shower by the staff. Check into Adult Day Care facilities in your area.

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I thought of those comments I have seen as well, but given OP says mom won't even shower at her other daughter's place, it is not likely she would agree to showering in a completely strange place!

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cgsp.net/products.html

i highly recommend the Fawssit shower. I bought it for my mom who was in the same situation as your mom. For the last 2 years of her life she at least was able to enjoy a shower. This product was truly a blessing for us. A shower wheelchair must be bought separately. Your mom will love this system. She will be able to shower anywhere that is convenient to her while sitting down. Hope this helps.

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I just looked this up. WHOA!!! Would be over $3,000 for the whole setup. I wonder if Medicare would cover it?

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My mother grew up in a household with washstands where every ounce of bathing water was drawn from a well, carried up a hill, heated on the stove or in front of the fire and then carried out again when dirty - full submersible baths were infrequent. People were still clean.

Mom takes a full shower (using a hand held shower head and a shower chair in the tub) once a week when she washes her hair. For daily cleaning Mom uses the half bath off her bedroom. We spread a towel across the bathroom floor in front of the sink, then sit the bamboo shower stool over that towel and Mom uses the sink and a washcloth to wash with soap and then rinse. We use small hand towels for a final "rinse" rubdown, followed by a final "dry" rubdown. Mom either uses a long handle bath brush for her back or I wash it for her, depending on how much the arthritis in her shoulders is bothering her.

Mom has some stress incontinence and uses pads most days. She cleans with a baby wipe when she changes the pad.

My mother also complains the bathroom is cold, so I use a small ceramic heater ($25-30) to heat the room, pushing it against the wall furtherest from Mom. If your bathroom is older and doesn't include a GFI outlet, you can purchase a GFI plug adapter or extension cord for $20-30. The Ground Fault Interceptor (GFI) immediately kills the electricity if the heater becomes grounded, preventing any shock.

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If your Mom can manage to get to a basement shower at your sisters house why can she not go upstairs to a bathroom in your house?

Is there any possibility that you can add a shower to your downstairs bathroom? (I am guessing your "downstairs" bathroom is on a first floor) Or if you have a laundry room can you add a shower there?
If these options are not possible then doing bed baths and or using the no rinse products as well as some of the disposable towelettes.

Another possibility that might help in 2 ways...
Is your Mom physically active? Would she participate in an exercise program? Even if it is just walking.
Many health insurance programs for seniors have Silver Sneakers available. There are places like the Y and other health clubs that they can go and exercise for a while then take a shower. If she did this a few days a week she would be getting a shower, getting exercise and getting out of the house and meeting people. The cost is very minimal and may be covered with some policies

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Sorry it’s a walkout basement with the driveway ending right there at the basement door. I literally could pull the van right to the door, she could climb out of the passenger side and walk into the room and right into the bathroom. But she’s too modest and stubborn to bathe in a strange place especially since it’s connected to my BIL’s office. She says it hurts her arthritis and spine too much to make that kind of trip out of the house just to take a shower.

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Concerning stair lifts (riding seat on staircase): my dad had one installed for my mom. Their stair case had a turn to it, so he didn't look for a used one, and time was of the essence...so he spent about $3500 for lift and installation. If gave my mom 6 extra years in their home, as he refused to have a bed for her in living room, or take over his den...there was a full bath downstairs). But, you can look on Craig's list or other places and fund them cheaply, as alas, people don't keep them forever...people have to move..or they die..
We listed theirs fir $1000...ha...but it was sold for $400. So someone got a great, well maintained lift for 400, and paid to get it fitted and installed.

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Lay Mother down and spray her with SHOWER IN A CAN. The foamy solution can be wiped off with a damp cloth and voila! Mission accomplished. Bath can solution can be used weekly and can be purchased at any home care outlets or on the internet. Good Luck!

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There are some wonderful products on the market making a shower unnecessary.

There is a fine no-rinse cleanser that even works on cleaning hair - we got our first bottle while DH was in hospital. It is Aloe Vesta Cleansing Foam and is Perineal and No-Rinse.

You can use baby wipes and they also make adult wipes. A basin with hot water and some soap will do the job nicely too. This can be done in whichever room Mom feels most comfortable.

We are just used to having showers and tubs - but many people didn't have this luxury 100 years ago - my DH grew up in the depression without electricity and they had to draw water from a well. They bathed once a week and my DH reached 96 yrs 8 mos before he passed away.

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but im confused she said there is a disabled shower in the kitchen. so its set up for a disabled person. not disabled, as in does not work ?

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Also, why don't you put a shower chair in the one shower for her?

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There is no shower on the main floor, a half bath would just be a sink and toilet.

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I washed my mom while she sat on the toilet - like a sponge bath. Later on, when she was not walking any more, the aide gave her a sponge bath in bed. Maybe if your mom doesn't want someone else washing her, she can do this herself on the toilet with a basin of soapy water and a basin of fresh water?

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How to help with showering in a house where they have no access to a shower?

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