My mother in law (MiL) suffered a massive stroke and is paralyzed on the right side and incontinent and can't communicate much. My DH wants to leave his job to move home to be her caregiver either at her house or to visit her daily if she is discharged to a nursing home or assisted living. She used to live by herself. He is adamant of his decision whether I move with him or not. I neither speak the language nor have a job if I move with him. I offered him that we visit his Mom once every 2 weeks as we live in a different country from his Mom (~1.5 hours flight). I am torn and don't know what to do. I don't want to devote my life to care for his Mom and feel rotten for not being able to support my DH with his wish. I will also likely lose my marriage as I don't know how to maintain a long distance one with no end in sight. I moved from the US to Europe to be with him leaving my aging parents in the US. I still live with that guilt as I put my marriage over taking care of my parents. I am still taking care of my parents long distance and flying back and forth the US to see them. Thank you very much in advance for all the advice!
Can you afford, on your own income, to stay where you are? If so, stay put and continue living your life without him. It may not be the best time to divorce, but if you must, you must.
I do have to ask...what if one/both of your parents were to become critically ill, or be in same position as his mom, would you return to the US to care for them? Or to be closer to see them before they pass? The answer to that may help you decide to support him now or to move on with your life without him.
Some confusion - you were from US. He lived in Europe, but not in the same county where his mother lives?
The problem I see with you moving with him is that you don't speak the native language and apparently can't work there. If you don't already have lot of friends and in- law relatives that you know and get along with... without a work environment you are going to be pretty isolated emotionally (that is assuming that DH has a job lined up because how will the two (should I say the three of you) live? And if you are not working, I can almost guarantee that you are going to be the one providing the skilled nursing care for MIL. I have a feeling that neither of you is quite aware of what goes into to caring for someone in MIL's condition - you both may be emotionally and physically unable to handle it. Having said that I should mention that most nursing and PT staff will tell you that you don't know how good the recovery is from a massive stroke for about 5-6 months. Maybe you should show him some of the posts from this forum or speak with a nurse about caring for a stroke victim. Could be an eye opener.
I would urge you to stay where you are living now but being supportive to DH and to MIL but I would personally think long and hard before moving to a place where I can't speak the language, have no friends or support system and no job.
Wishing you peace and grace on your journey
We do not know:
when this stroke happened
what can be expected in terms of recovery
how old the lady is
where she lives
where the OP and her DH live
who else is involved in supporting the lady's future care
what options are available
how much thought the OP's DH has given to the various options
and above all
what the lady's own preferences and plans might be.
It would not be an unusual reaction to an elderly parent's stroke for an adult child to rush to her bedside and instantly volunteer as nurse, cook, handyman, bottle washer and general factotum for the rest of her natural life. But that's not a plan. That's a first reaction to an upsetting event, and overreacting to the reaction will just add to the upset.
Deep breaths and patience are often a good move.
So wait a sec...she does not even live in your same town? And you're expected to uproot any semblance of your OWN life to become enslaved with caring an incontinent inlaw? Not to even mention the burden on your finances of biweekly flights? Yeah, this is definitely a lose/lose situation, but maybe not...MAYbe mom doesn't even want her son OR you as caregivers?
I'm really sorry for the position you are in...especially with the stress of knowing you are caring for mil whom you don't feel connected to nor want to care for while your own parents may be struggling back in the US.
My recent experience has colored many of my replies here of late...but if we don't take care of ourselves, nobody else is going to! I tried hard to take care of my own elder and frustrating to the nth degree parents, and still am to a reduced extent. But the end of September, healthy me just didn't feel very good out of the blue. I felt weak as well. In the end my life was turned upside down. The rescue squad got me to the hospital which sent me by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic where I only learned recently how I arrived close to death, and had emergency surgery for an aortic dissection. Scary thing that comes on suddenly with no warning but can brew over time with blood pressure being a contributing factor. Don't let that happen to you. I have never been married but can imagine how stressful and upsetting it would be to break apart from someone I loved enough to marry....I think you need to establish some clear boundaries and guidelines for what you can and what you want to do for this MIL, as well as your own parents who deserve equal time in a way. What is your husband willing to do for THEM? Maybe some seeking out a counselor to help mediate through this; so someone is there to advocate for you life and needs as well? Look, your number one goal is to stay alive and take care of YOU. And sometimes we know within ourselves what we need to do. Sending hugs and holding good thoughts...and don't forget this one: You know the airline warning...you put your OWN mask on first should it be needed, before helping others, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to. Wishing you all the best...I would help btw with finding local resources to help them, set up a plan for inhome assistance, hoping there are some...
You should put him onto this group because he will get a good education on what it's really like. Please show him this post. I'm making this lesson one of his caregiving education having been an in-home elder caregiver as a job for nearly 25 years and am currently one to my elderly mother. This is what he can look forward to.
His mother had a debilitating stroke that left her paralyzed, unable to communicate and incontinent. Almost always a stroke like that for an elderly person also results in dementia. To be honest it is unlikely she will even live for much longer. My elderly father had a stroke leaving him much the same condition as your MIL. Before it happened he was in remarkable health. 90 years old and still living independently, driving, golfing a full course twice a week, and still on his bowling team with guys 20 and 30 years younger who couldn't keep up with him. He had the stroke, went to a nursing home and died a few months later. He survived it, but never recovered to where he wasn't a total invalid. Your husband needs to consider this before leaving his job and uproot not just his life but yours too . Give up his home, his employment, your employment, his friends and social life, and probably his marriage to take care of his mother who will probably pass away from the stroke complications and if she doesn't right away will end up in a nursing home with professional staff, trained in invalid care because the two of you won't be able to provide the 24 hour care she needs.
This is what your husband can look forward to if he moves the two of you into mom's house.
A house that always smells like urine and feces no matter how much you clean. Feeding, bathing, changing diapers, dressing, repositioning, transferring, and more dirty laundry then you've ever seen in your life. Every single day. Seven days a week. Even holidays. Not to mention that unless her home is already handicapped accessible, bringing in contractors to tear the place up to make it so. Otherwise the only people who will be able to physically get her out of the house will be paramedics. What happens if there's an emergency like a fire and you have to get her out?
Sure, you can bring in some aide care and that will help out some, but unless mom or the two of you are rich, the amount of hours a day she will need will be very expensive.
The logical solution for you in my opinion would be to have her discharged to a nursing home /LTC facility that is near enough to you that your husband can get there daily or several times a week.
Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, he may be over-reacting to the situation for emotional reasons of his own. Give it a few weeks. Support his need to go to his mother for now, but stay where YOU need to be and let him work out his own issues. Right now it seems that his views of his own duties to parents are a far cry from what he expects of you concerning your parents. It seems a bit hypocritical that he has no problem with you caring for your parents long distance but HIS mother needs around-the-clock attention. He could snap back into normal once the shock is over. He may not.
If you cannot remain in your current home on your salary alone, begin looking to downsize, but do not sign anything for a week or two. Your husband may realize that daily care of his mother is not something that he can really do. If he does not come back home within a couple of weeks you may want to think about moving back to the city where your parents live. It seems that your husband is making all the major decisions in your marriage and you only react to them. If his determination is fixed, you would be better to care for yourself first. I cannot imagine that you would find any happiness caring for your mother-in-law in a country where you would be totally isolated.
Although there are times in a marriage when family or work must take a temporary precedence over the marriage, that must always be temporary. If your husband continues to insist that his mother and her needs (or his perception of them) are more important than your marriage, he has told you all you need to know, I think.
Stay where you are and let your husband do what he needs to do and wait and see.
Have you thought about having her move in with ya'll and having a Caregiver care for her?
Prayers
When do you (you plural, I mean all involved) need to have a plan in place? - that is, is she expected to be discharged to a rehab or intermediate care centre, straight home, or what, and when?
If the stroke happened within the last week, and your husband is panicking, I suggest you make no decisions of any sort but just make soothing noises along the lines of "let's wait and see." Will his employer not allow him extended compassionate leave? What country are you/is MIL in?
I feel sorry for all of you but your marriage should come first and sadly your husband isn't doing that.
Usually I would suggest making a list of pros and cons but it sounds like a fairly clear choice.
Why not let him go and see how it works for him. Maybe he will decide it is too much and too hard to be away from you?
Good luck.
I can understand your husband's anguish with his mother having had a massive stroke and needing a lot of care. However, I don't believe he understands the amount of care his mom needs 24/7. Every 2 hours, she will need to be turned in her bed, will need to be checked for skin problems, and and need to be cleaned if she voided or had a bowel movement. If she can not swallow, she will need to be fed via a tube with a liquid nutrition. If she is awake and he intends for her to regain abilities, he will need to exercise her limbs several times a time. Of course, she will most likely need to be bathed in her bed, dressed in her bed, and linen changes done in her bed. Getting her into a recliner will require a lot of physical strength since she will most likely not be able to bear her own weight. There are devices to help with these tasks. Depending on finances and resources in country, those devices may be harder to source during a pandemic or not available at all. In short, 1 person will not be able to provide all the care she needs. If there are nursing homes in her country, that would be the best option for now.
As for the visits, he probably wants to be near her since he fears she is closer to death, With COVID, she is at greater risk of not surviving. He would hate to not see her while she is alive. You probably have similar feelings since you travel to see and care for your parents. It might be wiser for him to fly to her for an extended visit - 4-6 weeks - to make sure she is set up with all the care she needs and to "visit." He can also catch up with any family members there and arrange a visiting schedule so mom is seen by family throughout the week. Once that is arranged, he will probably feel more comfortable resuming his work/home life in the U.S.A... and making arrangements for frequent trips to see her.
unconditional love is what should be; not double standards and cruelty. I hope whatever you decide makes you happy; you deserve that 💖
Some things a marriage cannot recover from.
I feel you don’t have the same love as your husband had for his
and you feeling are not strong for him
he’s best going without you