How to navigate when one parent is ready, but other isn’t letting go?
Both my mom and step father have Alzheimer’s. My mom has Parkinson’s and mild Alzheimer’s while my stepdad has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s. Though both need full time around the clock care, my mother is okay enough at this time to stay with me. However, my stepdad isn’t, he barely remembers who we are, where he is, and has terrible sundowners as well as awful sleep habits. The biggest issue is his wandering around, agitation, and not leaving my mom alone! There are nights, days etc. that literally he might as well tie her down. Unintentionally, he’s smothering her and has actually left a few bruises.
Some days he appears like he remembers everything, but it’s everything from 20 years ago and he harasses my mom to get things so he can get crews out working! They owned a business for 30 years. Everyone says it’s time for memory care for him, but unless he physically hurts her again I can’t bear going against moms wishes not to put him in MC
Background - I am both their POA’s and have been in VA taking care of them with my sister around the clock.
Please help, any suggestions welcome. 🙏
Why on gods green earth would you wait for your mother to be abused and injured AGAIN before doing something to protect her?
You have lost sight of what is going on in your own house.
Why in the heck wasn’t once enough and she wants to put her mother forth as like a sacrifice to him. It’s sick.
She is also letting a woman with a dying brain call the shots, which is terrible.
You do have a few options, one mom might agree to.
There are medications that can help with s-dad's aggression, anxiety. that might help although there may be some drawbacks. Many of the medications can make him more of a fall risk.
Placing s-dad in a Memory Care facility is probably the best option. And place him before he hurts mom to the point where she needs medical attention. If he is charged with any sort of violence most (if not all) MC facilities will NOT accept a person that has had a violent outburst in the past 60 to 90 days. So it is best to get him into a facility before he hurts mom again (or you or your sister).
If mom is needing more help than you are both willing to admit she may be a better candidate for MC as well. (I do believe that a person with dementia should not be in AL for a variety of safety reasons)
So the option here is placing mom and s-dad in separate facilities or in the same facility but different rooms. there is the possibility of the same room since they will have facility staff around them and hopefully keeping them occupied. that could be done on a trial basis to see how dad does.
BUT...at this point mom no longer calls the shots when it comes to making decisions for her safety and well being. She may have been abused for YEARS and is still putting up a front to "protect" her, him, and you
Don't wait!
Mom has mild cognitive impairment + PD & StepDad has mod-severe cog impairement bringing many difficulties eg 'sundowning' & 'shadowing' Mom.
Neither have insight that they can no longer look after themselves or each other.
It does seem you have reached the end of care at home - due to StepDad's behaviours. So which path to head down now?
StepDad goes into care. No other viable option there.
Mom's options will be;
1. Also go into care. Same place but separate rooms. Maybe separate area. He MC, she AL.
2. Continue to live in her home with round the clock care.
3. Live with family UNTIL that option no longer works.
Big factors are;
* Money (always money 🙄)
* Alz is progressive
* PD is progressive
* Mom wanting to be with StepDad
Best of luck choosing the path forward.
That doesn’t seem nuts to you? Is this a real post?
We ourselves are dealing with FIL who says he "just wants to die in his own home". He expects his elderly wife, his 2 sons- one working, one newly retired and their wives to make it happen. He also wants newly retired son and wife to move across the country to live with him and wife (we can have the basement!) to spend retirement taking care of them and then her when he passes. Of course, they did not move anywhere to take care of family or in with anyone, nor did they alllow anyone to come live with them. They placed them all. But we are expected to do it for them! Very self-centered and selfish.
He’s an abuser and she’s his victim! At least you’d be giving her an out.
I remember back when my Dad has sundowning, he would climb into his time machine and transport back to the 1940's when he and my late Mom were first married, and he was working. It made for interesting conversations.
As for getting our parents into senior living, usually we have to wait until there is an illness or a fall. Call to 911, hospitalization, then rehab, then into senior living facility, then excuses why they can't come back home, etc.
Please keep us up-to-date with their decision, or if you have any questions.
Or IS she? Because you are POA and if she is making decisions that endanger self or others (her hubby), then she needs not to be allowed to do that.
AT some point it just doesn't matter what we want. SADLY. So very sadly. I say that as an 82 year old.
I would place both as you are POA. As most of these MC and Nursing Homes are two to a room they would be "roommates" but still have common areas to get away from one another. I don't know their assets, and MC can be expensive, but I don't really see how family can take this on knowing it will not get better, but instead will become exponentially worse.