She would stay in her room with the door shut every day as to give us our privacy. She only came out to eat and use the restroom. I would tell her if she ever wanted to do something or go for a walk I could do that. In the 2.5 years she only went outside a handful of times. She wasn’t interested in spending time with me. When I was younger we would have a lot of fun playing games together and laughing. That all stopped. She would insert herself and would be rude to me at times. Long story. My husband and I came back from a trip recently and I went to go see her. She again had a list of things she wanted me to do for her. She had some blouses she wanted me to take home to wash (with special instructions) and some shredding. Also I need to bring another blouse back to the store that I already ordered for her and brought back a few weeks ago for another size etc. She mentioned an appointment that she was thinking of going to that they told her years ago she does not need so I told her she mentions this every year. She brings up anything she can think of for me to do. She has a list every time. It happens when I see her and especially when I’m back from a trip. I feel like it’s my “punishment” in the way she does these things. If she lives in AL why does she need to come up with so many things for me to do and why isn’t it just a visit? I just don’t understand. She’s treated me like this for three years. It’s very strange. She comes up with every possible thing I could do for her even what she truly doesn’t need. For some reason she’s not capable of just visiting with me anymore. I know she doesn’t do this when my brother visits. I told her I’d bring her the blouses when I bring her to her next appointment and she said “another three weeks!” Well I don’t enjoy spending time with her anymore since she treats me like the way she does. I’ve tried to tell her in the past but she doesn’t get it. I feel like she isn’t my mom. I feel so disconnected to her the past few years. It’s very stressful and sad to visit now. My husband witnessed her behavior when she lived with us and one day when we visited recently and he noticed she tried to come up with many things to do for her. I don’t know what I am to her anymore. Why does she want so much of me now when the time she was living with me she made it difficult and didn’t want to spend any time? She’s very controlling and narcissistic. I’m very burnt out from her. I try to keep my distance because of this.
You will now need to learn how to engage differently with your Mom. It takes practice because we all have developed "knee jerk" reactions to our LOs, but now those reactions aren't productive -- in fact, they are stressful, frustrating and depressing.
I watched Teepa Snow vidoes on YouTube and they were super informative and helpful. I learned what causes the dementia behaviors and strategies to interact with LOs with dementia so that relationships can be more peaceful and productive.
Dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic. When this is combined with memory loss it causes them to become anxious, resistant, agitated, paranoid. They lose their empathy for others (hence they are acused of being narcissists). They cannot help these behaviors as their brains are breaking and there's no fix for it.
Here is a good guideline to start with that I use:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
They are now the caregiver, the decider, the limiting dictatorial manager, the go-pher.
You became the one who managed her care and that is what you are right now.
That's how she sees you. And you had a part in that setup.
What's there to argue about now?
You BOTH are very unhappy now with one another.
That didn't work for EITHER of you.
She is now in a facility and has lost a daughter and has a care manager who FAILED coming to see her as LITTLE as possible. She's well aware you're furious at her. She's furious at you, too.
I am sorry it happened.
Some people manage to reverse this by honestly acknowledging their own part in changing from a daughter to a nurse-manager.
Your Mom has a lot of anger. She is facing down loss upon loss and will soon lose her life.
Me? I am just fine with the spaced visits now, and the blouses.
I am going to talk to Mom about things she used to cook that I loved. About funny incidents from childhood. I am going to be the QUEEN of "Mom, do you remember that funny Irma from down the road".
What else is there to do?
You can accuse one another of every failure each of you can come up with?
I would just do my visits as you have been, take a pad and pencil to jot down my chore list, come back with the blouses and whatever, keep it light and loving, NEVER ARGUE ANYTHING (what's the point???).
When it got testy on phone or in facility I would happily give her a peck on the cheek, a "love you Mom, but my head's just KILLING me" and leave.
In other words, shine it on.
There's been a change.
Life is full of change.
Nothing here to prove to her or to yourself.
Just get on with life.
I am still working on this so looking forward to reading others post.
The first thing that I thought of when I was reading this was she is giving you tasks so that you HAVE to come back.
If mom is cognizant can you work out a "calendar" for when you visit.
If you visit each week maybe a schedule like this
Week 1 can be a "things to do"
Week 2 can be an "outing" or lunch date visit.
Week 3 another "things to do" you return the completed things from Week 1 and get new things to get done.
Week 4 another "outing visit"
If she tries to give you tasks to do on your "outing visit" cut the visit short and say you have to go leaving the tasks there.
If mom has dementia then all bets are off.
Then you do the best you can, turn a deaf ear when you can and when she starts in cut the visit short.
It is time to set your boundaries and stick to them. She is playing you.
My mother is in AL, her needs are very little. My brother shops for her once a month and much of it delivered directly to her.
Stand up to her, be clear and go from there!
"Well I don’t enjoy spending time with her anymore since she treats me like the way she does." Then tell her that. Tell her you miss the Mom that you could talk to and laugh with. That she now makes you feel like your her servant, not her daughter.
In one of your posts you say ur middle age so that makes Mom in her 70s? If so, she can do her blouses herself. She has a sink, she can wash them by hand and hang them to dry. Maybe the laundress will press them off for her.
If Mom does not get her yearly checkup, it maybe time she does. Labs will be done to see what her numbers are. You talked about her surgery in other posts, anesthesia can do a number on some people. Your Mom could be in an early stage of Dementia. Her doctor needs to be made aware ofvthe personality change.
For you, visit when you can but I feel there is more to this. If Mom has Dementia you will need to overlook a lot.