How to respond to grandma wanting to leave care facility?

You show her that you empathize by doing just that, and doing it honestly.
Tell her that you understand how many losses come with aging, and you will be there soon enough, and that you admire the courage with which she has faced her losses. Tell her that you can only imagine how hard this is for her, but that it is necessary now for her safety and well-being. Tell her that the sad truth is that now this is home for her, and she is going to have to make the best of it that she can.

This is one of the few times that "giving hope" is out of the question.
She sees you as a possible means of rescue and escape.

My brother said to me finally, about the necessity that he had to be ALF (and he tried to remain in his last little home, but recognized that with me usually 1/2 the state away he would be a burden and dependent on his helpful community, and happily made this choice HIMSELF)--that this was a bit like being in the army when he was young. He didn't much like it but he would make the best of it. And he did. People react in different ways but there is a period of mourning that isn't unlike the loss of a loved one. For most of us our home is our haven, and is almost a sentient being. This loss comes second only to the loss of your entire mind.

There's no way to make it all happy now, and YOU aren't responsible for her happiness. She will now live out her time as well as she is able. There's no way to make nice-nice out of it and I know you already recognize that from what you are saying.

Be certain not to negate her feelings.
It is now such meaningless platitudes of:
I am so sorry this is so hard.
I hear you and I feel so sad for you.
I hope things will get a bit better as this seems more like home.

Good luck.

You are clearly a very kind person and have done the right thing for your grandmother. I too am moving my dad and his wife of 47 years into assisted living this week. My experience comes from moving them out of their home to a retirement home in "independent living" in July. Their situation was way more out of control than yours but I found them voicing wanting to go back home frequently. I was told by experienced caregivers that it takes about three months to acclimate. That held true. I learned a lot reading the book "The 36 Hour day: a family guide to Caring for People who have Alzheimer disease and other dementias", I also reference the Alzheimer association materials and found there that saying "This is your place now" is a strong phrase and to not use the word "home" as that has a different meaning. Both my parents have dementia and it changes daily in their understanding and meaning so you repeat yourself a lot. Also, smiling and thinking to yourself, "all is well" keeps you upbeat and happy and they will feel that also. Best of luck as this is a tough journey.

Hello, Fairest Rose! I literally just went through this over the summer with my mom, so I feel for you. <3 And there's no answer other than giving it time. Remember, she didn't move willingly (or at least not happily), she's probably aware of her decline, and it's hard enough getting older without all this added stress. There aren't many harder things to hear than "You are unable to take care of yourself." Her assisted-living situation, no matter how great it is, is a reminder of this every single day. So, she'll just have to take her time settling in and getting adjusted, and you'll need to allow that.

Remember, when she says she "wants to go home" what she's mostly actually saying is "I want things to be the way they were when I was okay." My mom still talks about driving places and going out on her own and all these things she simply can't do — total denial — because they represent the life she had. I can't say enough how hard it is to have this taken away from them. So adjusting is difficult and takes time, and your grandma may never 100% come to it. But most likely, she'll eventually settle into a "new normal" and her happiness will go back up.

Each person is different, and your grandma may be very different than my mom, so I can't give specific recommendations. My most basic advice is to emphasize whatever it is that your grandma values and now has. Is it socializing? Is it not having to clean and make meals? Is it not having to deal with as many bills? Is it the (hopefully) yummy food? Is it the game room, afternoon tea, or religious services right down the hallway? Whatever it is she has now and values, focus on those things. She probably won't admit it, but her condo (although home) was probably overwhelming. This is very common for older single people. So at the very least, she'll likely appreciate the simplicity of her new living situation in time.

And to answer your specific question, show your empathy by just listening and saying you understand. Tell her you can imagine how hard it is, but don't dwell on things too much. What I've found works best is to spend a few minutes acknowledging the feeling, and then pivot to a related positive topic. Asking questions about her far past is often an excellent way to do this. She's probably at a stage where her new memory isn't great, but her older memories are solid. This is your chance to relive those with her through questions. This is also your chance to learn things about her you may not know... her childhood, her wedding day, her time in school, her career, etc. What this also does is remind her that she's had a full life; she's probably done more than she realizes. Hopefully most of it was happy and good. Talking about this reminds her that she mattered and made a difference. Whatever she was good or accomplished at, focus on that. One of the biggest things older people need is to feel valued because our society and culture absolutely suck at providing this. The days of "wise elders" is gone, and people spend more time making fun of them or ignoring them. So, anything that reminds her she's been a valued part of society, life, family, and community is loving and helpful.

You seem like a wonderful grandchild, so she's at least got that. I think you'll be fine. Listen to her, listen to your heart and intuition, and go with that. It's also important to remember that there's often subtext to what people say in her situation. Tune into the underlying feelings instead of the spoken words, and ask. For example, when she asks/mentions about going to the condo, ask what she's missing about it. Then, try to bring that into her life, either literally or figuratively.

Last, don't focus *too* much on the safety issue. It's okay to mention it, but don't dwell on it. Most likely she's in some denial about it, and at the very least, it's a reminder of what she's losing (independence, competence, etc.). So, it's another thing where it comes up, you acknowledge it, and pivot.

It’s heartwarming to see how much care and thought you’ve put into your grandma’s well-being. Transitions like this can be incredibly challenging, especially when she’s longing for the familiarity and independence of her previous home. Balancing empathy with firmness is tough, but you’re on the right track. Here are a few suggestions that might help:

Acknowledge Her Feelings:

Let her know you understand how hard this move is for her. Phrases like, “I know how much you miss your condo and the independence it gave you” can go a long way in validating her emotions.

Recreate Familiarity in Her New Space:
Bring items from her condo, such as her favorite chair, decorations, or family photos, to help her new apartment feel more like home.
Encourage her to participate in activities that match hobbies she enjoyed before.

Frame the Move Positively:
Focus on the benefits of her new home, like the great food, social activities, and beautiful view. Highlighting these positives might help her appreciate the change more.

Set Boundaries with Compassion:
Gently remind her that her safety and health are the priorities. You might say something like, “Grandma, I want you to be somewhere you can be safe and cared for. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you while you were alone.”

Have you considered involving a guardian or care advocate? Sometimes, having someone step in as a neutral party to oversee her safety and well-being can help ease the emotional strain and allow her to live more independently while ensuring her needs are met. A guardian could help her transition smoothly and even revisit the possibility of her living on her own with the right supports in place.

I am guardian for my singing friend of 35 years who has no living relatives. Lack of appetite and weight loss due to vascular dementia forced her moving to a memory unit on palliative care. That was about 6 weeks ago. At first she was very quiet with the constant questions of "Where am I? What's going on? etc." I was honest with her about her not going home, but she didn't remember it the next day, so I decided not to cause her more anxiety by repeating that truth. Gradually she started being a bit more upbeat and talkative. When her other good friend from our singing trio called her last week, she asked her what she had had for dinner. Our friend said, "A frozen dinner." When the other friend said she was sure they didn't serve her a frozen dinner (The food is very good there.) our friend said, "Oh I'm home now." The other friend just said that that was wonderful. We know that means more cognitive loss, but we are thankful that she feels more peacefulness.

As I read your words, my heart ached. We literally just went through this. My two sons Paternal 97 year old grandmother just passed away last Thursday and her funeral is coming up. She was a Saint of a woman. Her kids (ranging in age from 58-73) put her in a facility with her thinking it was just temporary. I could tell by how they kept moving her items in, that it was not. She longed to be "back home." Her ''back home" was at the luxery apartment complex where we live also.

There is a lot to be said for the soul of a person. I believe it needs as much care as the body. I knew if I could convince her "kids" to allow her the desires of her heart, and live with me, she would thrive, even at the age of 97! My Sons and I borrowed a beautiful twin bed from my sister and we set up an incredibly cute area in our living room. We had her sister's (who has already passed away) chair right beside her bed with giving her the view she loved; the fountain in the pond and being able to watch the people in the community walk about! She came for a "visit" and loved it! I took an accredited care giving course ($) so her "kids would feel more comfortable. She wanted to be with family.

We did everything we could and eventually she lost hope. She started asking her kids if they would allow her to go on. Her vitals were all good every time she was checked. Sitting alone in the nursing facility, in my opinion shorted her already long life. She lost the hope and will to live. Her kids started bringing a hospice nurse in, and when my sons and I stopped in...she went from eating to being given morphine, to not being conscious enough to eat or drink. As she whispered her last words to me, "Pray for strength," I knew the morphine was taking away the rest of her ability to life. She didn't even get a fighting chance to see and witness life outside of the nursing home. Instead, she had to hear the constant beeping and watching people being taken out on gernies.

Now, with that being said, sometimes a family member can't give their loved one their last wishes. I understand that, but for me, if I have a little bit of space and the ability to bring someone in and shower them with love and care for their last bit of life on earth...I'd fight lions and bears to do so (and I did, to no avail). I have told my sons, ''I'd rather die earlier with family, than to live longer in a facility without family." Our dear loved one would have been around her grandsons, listening to them laugh, enjoying their kind-hearted serving (they are 18 & 24), and just enjoyed love. Better that than being sedated and basically starve to death. (No offense to hospice, because they help a lot of people who are suffering. She just wasn't and was fine one day and on morphine the next).

I want to hug you, because what you're dealing with is HARD! Ican feel your love for her and your desire to do what is right. I pray that the Lord guide you in your decision, and He gives you an ear to hear His wisdom on the matter. I hope this may have helped, and not made the feelings worse.

In Christ,
Lisa
VoicesInHeaven dot com

It takes time to adjust to an assisted living facility. Where she used to be independent, now she has to follow the facility's schedule, eat when and what they eat, and people come in to clean her room and laundry, check up on her, ask her if she wants to participate in activities, etc. That's a good thing, but people who are used to independence may not see it that way. When you visit, don't try to explain why she can't go home, rather gently tell her that she needs more care at this stage in her life and try to change the subject. Get her talking about something else. Visit as often as you can, and keep your attitude positive. Tell her you love her. If you can, take her for outings occasionally. Check her closets and medicine cabinet to make sure she has clothes and lotions, soap, tissues, incontinence supplies, etc. If you buy clothes for her, get comfortable items that are easy to get on and off (wide neclines, loose fitting, elastic waist) and can be machine washed and dried. Give it time. All the best to you both and happy holidays!

Can you go visit at meal times so
you can go with her to the cafeteria or other activities? If she has you as a wingman, she may be braver or more likely to try new things or participate in things that she isn’t as comfortable doing alone. Once she has a friend or a couple people she recognizes … she may learn to enjoy having meals with them or doing activities with them. Look at the calendar and see which things you think she’ll most enjoy .. then go to those with her. Help her ease into it. Talk to the positives .. when having a meal, “grandma - this is delicious. How fun that you have your own chef now. You have staff now.” Help her see it from a different point of view. Another idea bring food or treats or something holiday themed like that to give to the people that live in the apartments closest to hers to bridge the gap between strangers and neighbors. Who doesn’t love homemade chocolate chip cookies, as an example. If she finds a friend - everything changes. All the sudden she’s got a reason .. a person to talk to, to go to stuff with, to share her time with. My happiest times in my life are those where I had a close friend nearby.

It is common and very natural for a person to need time to adjust to a new living situation as your grandmother is now - needing to do. It could take a couple of months.

Some facilities will say / encourage family to 'not visit.'
It is up to you how to proceed / support her.

I like the way you ask your question "how do I show her I empathize ... "
I suggest the way you do this is by being an ACTIVE REFLECTIVE LISTENER.

This means you listen and reflect her words back to her.
i.e., "I hear you saying "you feel sad and want to go home."
You never ever argue with her as you won't win - that only causes emotional upset for her and you. You say "I understand how you feel ... I am sad too" then you stop talking.

You give her room to get out whatever feelings / emotions she has that she can express, or crying if that is her way.

While she is so SO VERY fortunate to be in a nice assisted living facility, this isn't a concern to her now. However, she will be aware of appreciating it 'more' when she adjusts to her new life - style.

It is hard for most people to handle / manage change. It is 200% harder for an older person losing their mental / cognitive abilities - and independence as they have known all their life.

In terms of losing weight, you might try milkshakes or anything that she likes - sweets, pizza ...

Hold her hand.
Look into her eyes.
Smile and tell her you love her.
Perhaps say "I wish things were different TOO"
I wouldn't push her to get into activities or go to the dining room although I would encourage you to take walks with her in common areas and introduce her to others as it feels right.

I really appreciate you as a granddaughter - caring for your grandmother as you are doing. What about your mother? her daughter? Is she in the picture / supporting this transition.

Depending on her cognitive abilities, you might want to tell her that this move is temporary while her place is being repaired / renovated. She may forget with time. If she won't forget, do not tell her this as a way to calm her down.

There is no such behavior as lying when it comes to supporting a person with dementia. You tell them what will keep them as calm as possible, realizing that they are scared, confused, wanting what they had, fearing the loss of independence.

Telling her you understand how she feels is huge. Just let her talk and share yourself emotionally, too. "I feel very sad, too. I love you grandma."

Gena / Touch Matters

Sad it has come to this. As much as not being a big fan of facilities, try to see if her apartment can be as "warm like" as possible. It will never be home, but it can be a place where she can feel some sort of comfort.