My 83 year old husband has dementia and spinal osteoarthritis. He keeps falling and is getting out of bed and falling. His doctor said he thinks it’s time. Currently we live in a continuum assisted living community. My two grown daughters think it’s the wrong time during COVID and that he will just be lying in bed by himself. I feel so sad and guilty but I am also very tired. Thanks
First COVID isolation is real and required and needed to protect all residents. My mom and others went down faster due to isolation. Although thankfully she knew caregivers and 1 resident visited her. I had a part-time private caregiver, who the assisted living knew and cleared, for couple hours M-F. But I could only do window visits. So I hear what your children are saying, but I hear you are worn out so more help is needed at very least.
Here are some ideas and questions for you or your children to ask:
Does he need skilled nursing or memory care unit? Can he sit in wheelchair that reclines? If so would going to memory care unit or skilled nursing during day only help and at night where you are now. Several couples where my mom lived did / do this. I think still allowed curing COVID.
Can you get more help in room help in your assisted living room via hiring a private care giver? Costly, but would give you some relief and less change during COVID. Can you get ideas from fellow residents or their families for who or what agency and costs? Will assisted living director help you with ideas?
Some memory care units have 2 beds in a room. Would you be willing to move in together even if only 1 of you need it? [Normally you could visit, but with COVID even if in same building, this may not be allowed. However they should be able to ask assisted living company and local directors if they could make an exception since you would be in same building, but difference area.
Would Home Health or even Hospice help some with care ./ cost?
[He will be the first 14 days in quarantine in a new area/place, too]
I was lucky. Where my mom was, the director was very helpful to make combinations to avoid moving someone their apartment in Assisted Living to Memory Care until not safe otherwise. But some still had to be moved. Others had other care (private or in memory care daytime only).
Hope this helps.
He was mad in the beginning, but now he absolutely loves it! He doesn’t talk about coming home any longer. He loves the staff, he even loves the food. Who knew!
The reason Papa went to the facility? Lots of falls! And a bit of dementia, and Parkinson’s, which is a “Fall down disease”.
If the doctor says it’s time, it’s actually probably past time. It’s time for you to put yourself first and get some time to rest and recover. Let the professionals take over his care.
KLBmaxx, based on my own experience, I don't think your daughters' opinions and ideas can be considered in your current situation unless they're able to physically arrange to BE WITH you and HELP you at home, on an ongoing basis, physically and emotionally (or alternatively, pay for someone to help you). Humans need humans. I reached a natural point where I just knew it was time when I was exhausted and depressed most of the time (I was very isolated and didn't have my two sisters' support). God bless you, good luck, and keep coming back.
Doctors and others often have a skewed opinion of nursing homes. They have the idea that patients will receive the care they need, and this is simply not always the case. That's why when our loved ones were in for rehab post-surgery, we were there every day. I would not have trusted staff to properly care for either of my parents during their stays. There were simply too many mistakes made, and insufficient staff to do the work.
If after you've investigated all the options and your husband must be admitted, I understand and fully empathize. But it will be very, very hard for all of you either way. Sometimes we can do nothing more than to choose which pains we're willing or able to endure.
I wish you and your family the best during this strange and awful time.
Let them know that their help is needed or you must look into a nursing home because the situation is more than you can do.
I wish you luck in your decisions
by Skilled Nursing, I assume you mean long term care or nursing home setting. Yes, even with dementia and fragility this can be where they are placed.
since you are in a continuum care residence, have you considered a memory care section and perhaps he needs to be in a wheelchair to prevent falls?
you might have a consultation with the director of memory care and see if that fits his situation better.
I would not let Covid define what happens. That will be here a long time. Yes you are tired and do not feel guilt for doing what just plain needs to be done. Your husband needs care and you can't provide it.
If not then they should have little to say in this matter.
The ONE guide I used is SAFETY
If it was no longer safe for HIM for me to care for him at home I would have made the difficult decision to place my Husband.
If it was no longer safe for ME to care for him at home I would have had to place him.
I never wanted to injure him while I was taking care of him and I never wanted to get hurt myself.
I got lucky and when he fell he did not hurt himself and I was able to call 911 to ask for a "Lift Assist"
When it became more difficult for me to get him up and out of bed he was on Hospice and with the equipment that I was able to get from them I never had a problem transferring him.
So..if there is any possibility that you would get hurt caring for your husband, (who would care for both of you at that point?) or if there is a possibility that he would get hurt the decision is really pretty clear.
Your option would be to have caregivers some in and help you when you need help. Mornings getting him out of bed? do you need help changing him? do you need help showering him? Would you need a whole day of help or a few hours each day. (personally you need a break from care-giving so at least 2 days a week you should have someone there all day so you you get a break.
And by the way he might not need "Skilled Nursing" he might do well in Memory Care
Are there any alternatives, such as hiring someone to care for him for at least a few hours for you? You DO need help and support as this is draining even for younger people! I don't know the going rate for an aide in your area, but just assuming $30/hr, 6 hr/day would be almost 5500/m, however NHs are much more expensive. 4 hr/day would be under 4k. Does the community you are in offer any "extra" care? What, if any, charges do they have? Would he qualify for any VA assistance to help defray the costs? Medicaid?
NH might not be the best place for him, regardless of the virus. It will not stop him from falling and/or trying to get out of bed. Even in a NH, the care is NOT 24/7, i.e. he will be cared for, but not monitored 24/7. Does your continuum assisted living include a MC unit? Granted, he will fall there as well - no matter where you place him the falls will continue, but IF there is a MC unit, he might get a little more "oversight" and perhaps you could be allowed visits?
If NH is the only option, it is a decision that you have to make while weighing doctor advice and alternatives. Daughters can make suggestions, but it isn't really their decision to make.
Even if there wasn’t covid, there is never a good time to go into a nursing home. It becomes an issue of necessity. Sooner or later, the decision ultimately comes down to what is the best thing for you and your husband. If you’re doctor thinks it’s time, they’re probably right