My husband has pretty severe night incontinence and refuses to use the bedside commode. What can I do?

My stepmom made my dad clean up the mess. He started cooperating.

Bumping this up. The Alzheimer's Society has podcasts about dementia, incontinence, and challenging behavior. So sorry that you are going through this.

I hope you get some suggestions about how to deal with this. I didn't encounter this with my LO. When she became incontinent, she was in AL and they just put her in the Depends and that was it. She didn't protest at all.

Have you talked to his doctor about it? I wonder if the doctor could suggest going with the Depends, just for awhile, so that husband may accept it. Convincing him to use the bedside commode or not to urinate on the floor, won't likely work, since he's not thinking clearly. Some people go with the Depends and then an adult one piece pajama that buttons in the back and the person isn't able to remove, so they can't take the Depends off. They are available online at various sites.

I'd explore some options, since I'm sure you are exhausted from lack of rest, plus, there's the smell and germs from the urine. It's a lot to handle. I hope you find some answers.

My husband is incontinent (both ways) and bedridden. It took a long time, but I finally convinced him to wear incontinence briefs. I was told by a nurse not to call them "diapers" because that could be humiliating to an adult. Even then, he soaks the bed every night, right through the pads. He is on diuretics for congestive heart failure which makes it worse. We experimented with different kinds of briefs, even ones advertised as overnight. At this point, I'm considering doubling them at night. Remember that this is probably humiliating for him as well as emasculating. But he needs to make a choice to either get up to use the commode or wear briefs at night.

I appreciate the suggestions and answers. Husband has agreed to wear depends and I do have the correct size, but they still leak terribly. He wears regular underwear over them and so often wakes at night with soaked clothing. He can get up and remove them himself sometimes - yet not every night. I did show him all of the wet clothing and had him sit in a chair this morning while I changed the bed and put even more pads over the edge. I said that he must use the commode and I removed the urine bottle. He also said that he was using the depends during the day now. My new worry us the expense of multiple oars of depends daily.

It sounds like you may have to just go ahead and take away the urinal and make sure he can't get a hold of anything else he could use as a urinal. That way, it gives him no other choice but to use the bedside toilet. Another thing to consider is if you haven't already done so, perhaps adult diapers might be needed and maybe even consider putting him into a facility, but one with a good rating. I had an elderly friend who also became incontinent but I think a good majority of it was not an accident due to his behavior toward the end. I went to see him one time and there was an almost diarrhea feces all over the bathroom. I guess he thought I was going to clean it up because one other time he threw a fit over nothing and expected me to clean it up but I set boundaries. He quickly realized I wasn't taking no crap from no one and his attitude changed.
In the case of your husband, you would know if this was a behavioral issue but definitely remember you're dealing with a health hazard. Hopefully you have good machinery and carpet shampooer if you want to keep him at home and keep cleaning up these messages. However, the bigger the messes, the harder it will be to clean up because the longer it will take to clean it up and the deeper it will get into the carpet and then into the wood floor beneath. Eventually it'll go even deeper so hopefully you'll consider removing the carpet and maybe putting down a rubber floor to alleviate this problem. It also sounds like you either need a real good plastic mattress protector or a waterproof hospital mattress with hospital equipment wipes like they used in hospitals. If he's on a regular mattress without some form of protection, he's going to end up ruining that mattress, especially if he still sleeps with you and not in a separate bed. Instead of those flimsy mattress protectors they sell in stores that are often easily ripped, I would go with window plastic if you're protecting a regular mattress. Window plastic is more durable and you can tape it in place after wrapping it underneath the bottom of the mattress. Packaging tape is actually handy for this kind of task and this is the route I would go in your particular situation. If he has a hospital mattress, all the better. You can still make the bed as usual and still make it comfortable for him so the plastic doesn't get hot and uncomfortable.

You may want to consider getting a hold of your local aging services to see how they may be able to help you. While you're at it, I would contact any kids you all may have and any other family to see who might be able to help you because you just can't do this on your own, especially if he's bedridden. I would definitely be getting some help or putting him into a facility especially if the incontinence gets really bad, and only you know just how bad it is. If you're constantly drained or even aggravated at always having to clean up these messages, it's time to look at alternatives. I personally wouldn't put up with this too long and he definitely shouldn't be allowed in bed with you if he's really that incontinent since it would also affect you. These days there are better beds with two separate individual mattresses, you see them on the market, but when someone becomes in continent there's no way to stop them from coming onto your side and I making a mess. This is why separate beds are actually a very good idea

If he is a veteran, he can get his briefs free from VA....has to see a VA doctor, who has to write an order, but well worth the effort!!!

You could try condom catheter with depends also? Just a suggestion. I took care of my mom for 41/2 years and it was trial and error.

I for got to suggest looking on internet for incont briefs. The ones in stores were not thick enough for mom. They cost more,but I bought by case---hold much more urine.

Don't know how serious the dementia/alz is- are mobility problems of getting in/out of bed a big factor of why he doesn't use the commode? If so- assistive products could help. A Superpole (or balance pole of a Friendly Bed) would allow him to grab the pole to stand and pivot onto the commode (and pivot back to bed). No walking means less chance of falling when sleepy, weak, medicated, and in the dark. Just throwing ideas out- good luck!

If feasible, pull up the carpet. There is nothing like a hardwood floor or flooring strips or squares that look like hardwood. Any washable surface would be better than carpet. Mother went from carpet to vinyl hardwood and we love it. Great advice above.

Just to add, I was wondering if your husband actually knows when he needs to go. I wonder if, even though you have aids like a commode and urinal there for him, if he remembers or understand what they're there for. I will often ask my husband (who has mobility issues) if he's had a bowel movement, and he will tell me he doesn't know if he did or not. It has something to do with the nerves in his back. I have suggested a "condom catheter" to him, which would solve his skin issues and my constant laundry issues, but he refuses. It's probably not very comfortable.

As for the cost of diapers, I've found out that Medicare and our supplemental insurance won't cover them. It's impossible to figure out their reasoning. As an example, they are covering a $16,000 electric wheelchair for hubby, but not the $700 "joystick" that steers the chair. Go figure.

Oddly enough, even though they are the most popular, Depends are probably the worst ones we've tried. I use an extra pad, which looks like a sanitary napkin. It absorbs the best.

I wish you much luck in finding a solution that fits both of you.

JohnDBarry34,
Sorry to hear that the Depends are so expensive and aren't very effective. Is your husband a Veteran? Is he on Medicaid or would he qualify for Medicaid? There are some options to explore to get help with the cost for the adult diapers. Even if they are not required now, eventually, the incontinence will go to bowel and that may only increase the intensity of the problem. I know it's hard to think about, but, eventually, that may only increase the workload of trying to keep him and his sleeping area clean.

My husband had similar problems before he passed away. He loved peeing into a jar, but the jar would overturn and flood the bed or recliner. We tried using a "condom catheter" which is like a condom with a tube that allows the urine to drain into a container. Unfortunately, it kept slipping off. I think during the night the movements of the sleeper might dislodge it. However, my husband was on hospice care. The nurses kept suggesting new alternatives to help, and hospice provided free diapers. Some diapers can hold a pretty large amount of urine so he wouldn't have to get out of bed to pee. Best wishes!

Adult diapers...or pull up briefs

There are what is called texas catheters. They are not indwelling and. Are much better than they used to be. Now different sizes.
Other than that an indwelling catheter worn 24 hrs (both of them). With proper care the in dwelling should not have many complications. Probably indwelling best for him as wears for a week and then changed.

My husband has night incontinence and ruined carpet, bedding and mattress trying to use urinsl as well. It took a while to find the right overnight briefs but have been doing pretty well, still occasional wetting through but not nightly like before. 1 thing that helps, make sure the penis is pointing down into the padding and not to the side or up. This keeps the uterine flow going into the most padded part of the brief instead of out the leg or waistband.
AND not only does any insurances cover but IRS does not allow as a medical expense!!

Look into a Condom Catheter - and also use the briefs. My neighbor's husband is paralyzed from falling out of a tree - he uses the condom catheter and she said she also puts him in the depends as there can be some leakage around the catheter.

If your LO is a veteran, the VA will help with the Depends and maybe even the catheter - but you must ask, it isn't automatically given.

They will provide a lot of supplies if you only ask them. I get 3 boxes of adult-wipes every month for my DH as well as a bottle of Foaming Perineal Cleanser. It's a Godsend.

Two suggestions, 1) use the male guard pads in the Depends and also the diapers at night. They can hold a tremendous amount of urine. 2) also they have washable bed pads that are the length of the bed. I would put one under the sheet and one over the sheet, then get the square throw aways to put on top of the long pad. Hope this helps.

I would make him wear the men's Depends, the maximum absorbency ones, and put a liner in it. I buy my mom's depends and the liners on amazon. The liners I use hold an extra 48 oz of liquid, I think. they are amazing! And you can put chucks on the bed, over the fitted sheet, under the person. That saves a lot of time and money and energy from not having to strip the bed and change the sheets several times a day. There is also a pill you can take that somehow curbs the urgency to pee. Not sure what it is, but I've read about it in a medical journal. Good luck to you!

In response to Mac124, it is considered a medical expense and tax deductible if your doctor writes a "prescription" for it. Medicare and Tri Care will cover it , too, if you are financially needy. I just buy all of my mom's things, but at one time, she was receiving them in the mail thru Medicare and Tri Care.

As far as expense goes, I use amazon, and buy in huge quantity, so the depends end up being around 35-40 cents each.