Family doesn't want their Dad to lose his license. They won't listen to my observations, nor to the report from the OT. He did well in written work, but very slow reaction time in other tests. Seems unaware of one-way streets, speed limit signs, drives too fast or too slow. Poor lane placement, etc. I am the bad guy when I try to explain his bad driving habits to them. What should I do?
My Mom's primary doc just recommended she be assessed in OT for her driving abilities through a written questionaire, a reflex/reaction time text and then a driving simulation (if appropriate). I had no idea this service was even available and I've been with this network for literally decades. I was dreading this coming year because I knew it was going to be her last one driving and she was being irrational and resistant about it (plus the extra work for me but oh well, that's just how it goes).
So EVERYONE reading this needs to know that they can talk to their LO's primary doc about whether an OT clinic in their area performs this test so that they aren't the "bad guys" in retiring their LOs driving privilege.
My Mom's test is in 2 weeks. Her doc (an older woman) was just excellent in talking to her about her aging decline, her meds for mood, memory, paranoia, driving, home safety... she was amazing, and my Mom accepted everything she said, for now ;-) And then she provided a diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment and "advanced age" (95) on the clinic letterhead as reasons to activate my PoA authority. At least one of her annuity accounts needed this written proof in order for me to manage it. And the DMV will also get it plus the outcome of her driving assessment.
Pattypk, ask the OT to report your husband to the DMV, they are mandated reporters and they really need to report. Then the state will make the determination and his family can deal with the state about his license.
Available online. Get a copy of the doctors diagnosis attach it. Include everything in your original post that you have observed.
An OT is not a medical doctor and most doctors do not want to say if someone is capable of driving in writing. (been there, done that) They will give a proper medical diagnosis but not include if they can or cannot drive or play the violin.
Driving is a privilege not a right and a degenerating brain does not understand this. Sometimes a full functioning brain does not understand this. It is irrelevant what the kids or anyone else thinks but it is understandable to desire a united front backing up your decision.
We are all here backing you up with our collective experiences.
Went thru this with my father, had lots of unsolicited advice and remarks how terrible this was to "do-to-HIM". My retort would be -I am not loading a gun and handing it to HIM when he is angry, nor am I letting him drive when he is not in capacity to do it.
The DMW process took a while but it was then up to the state agency and him. The agency got the blame not me.
Are these your children or your step children? Maybe have daughter be alternate. As long as you are going to be the “caregiver” if I were you I would want to be his POA as his finances very much affect your finances. Otherwise your life will be affected by what daughter thinks appropriate for dad and you two don’t seem to have the same goals.
Perhaps you should go to an elder attorney for yourself and have your own legal documents done. This would allow you to understand what you need to have in place to protect you.
One way to deal with this is to type out an ‘agreement’ for each child to sign, agreeing that they will pay for all and any damages that result from a vehicle accident involving their father as a driver. One for each child. Make it as formal as possible, dated and witnessed. My experience is that signing something like that sets people back on their heels. At the moment it's all a bit abstract. Making it very personal also makes it very different.
If they won’t sign (and they won’t if they have half a brain) you can then have a different conversation about why your own finances can potentially be badly affected but they won’t risk their own money. Let them argue about it between themselves, not with you. It's even worth paying a lawyer to prepare the agreement if you don't feel able to, and getting the kids to sign it with the lawyer's staff as witnesses. Just saying that's what you are going to do may tip the balance.
I'm not a lawyer, but, what if he injured someone in an accident? In a civil lawsuit, they could sue family I would think, and particularly you since you are caring for him. I assume you have POA? but either way, I think you and the family could be at legal risk, and would not have much to stand on.....if all this came out in court including the OT's recommendation?
I'm 87 and still drive locally during the daytime. I drive my small manual-shift SUV safely with self-imposed limitations. (So far, I've had no tickets, accidents, close calls or near misses). Admittedly I dread the day when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I hope/think I will know when/if that time has arrived.
Ever heard of a wrongful death suit? That’s a thing where you and your husband can potentially lose everything you’ve worked for and own. Both of you, even if he’s the driver. It would certainly be brought up in court that you knew he had Alzheimer’s and took no measures to stop him from driving. Vehicular homicide is not something that law enforcement tends to overlook.
Here and in real life, I’ve really learned to dislike “the kids want this,” or “the kids say that.” Why on earth does anyone think they have to do what their kids want, especially when they’re adults and out of the house? As a parent of adult kids, I just don’t get it. I do what I want and they do what they want, and we’re all happy with that arrangement.
Ask them WHY?
Why they wish Dad to still drive?
Would that mean their Dad is still fine? In great health? Is still young & strong? They want to hold onto that image of their Dad?
Or do they think being asked to stop driving will dint Dad's pride? It would upset him? Anger him?
Are they afraid of his anger?
Challenge their thinking!
Or don't.. accept they may have some denial/other reasons to avoid reality.
Regardless of their feelings - You can take what action you need to.
Wishing you the best.
and why not!??!!!??!
surely there are other means of transportation, if not senior ride, then Uber/ Lyft... etc.
I think the family have some major issues of denial that need to be quickly sorted out,.
Tell the kids if they want to continue to let him drive THEY can move him into their house, use one of their cars and put him on their insurance.
Tell them that you are not going to shoulder the burden WHEN he gets into an accident and the reports WILL show that he has been told to "limit" his driving due to a diagnosis of dementia and poor performance on the driving test.
(frankly I would put a total ban on his driving)
If this makes you a "bad guy" then I wish there were more "bad guys" doing the same thing.
And there would go your children's inheritance.
Someone driving with any of the dementias is NO different than someone driving drunk, or high on drugs, so please DO NOT let your husband drive anymore. Period.
You would feel awful if he were to kill someone and you did nothing to stop him.
So to hell with what your children have to say, it's all about protecting all the other innocent drivers out on the roadways. Have his license taken away ASAP.
And have your children read all the responses on here.
If they aren't doing Dad's daily caregiving, they have NO SAY.
Tell them this:
You aren't the "bad guy" by preventing deadly accidents to innocent people.
You are the SHERO.
You have enough to deal with doing Dad's caregiving. Like Alva says, tell them to "Hush up and mind their own business." PERIOD.
Not an excuse, we were wrong, but as my dad began to go downhill with cognitve impairment, we put limits on him, just going back to church or stores on local streets.
The method in our madness was that to the degree he would not drive, it would mean more driving for us. Not right, I get it.
Luckily nothing went wrong before we finally put the kbosh on it
My elderly aunt, who just last week died at age 100, was driving until three years ago A cop stopped her and took away her license pending her taking a new test. My aunt planned to take it in the spring, but I think she knew, and the cop also, she would not pass it.
Cant the state get involved and somehow take away license?
I had a 101 year old cousin who died recently.
She didn’t have dementia, but shouldn’t have been driving. She got a few speeding tickets and would tell off the cops!
No cane, no walker, no wheelchair, tiny little spitfire who went to her school reunions up until age 100! LOL 😝 The entire graduating class was dead but since she was the oldest alumni she was invited to attend the reunions.
You and I have longevity in our families. I don’t think I want to live to be 100! 😁
My youngest brother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at age 60. One of the first things that I told him was to stop driving!
My brother had several accidents. His doctors have told him that his driving days are over. His doctors also told him that he can no longer fly alone. He was getting lost in the airport.
My brother was saying that he only had to be “more mindful.” There is no way that he can be “more mindful” because he is living with an incurable, progressive disease.
It is hard to see someone losing their independence but everyone involved must adapt to facing the truth. It is counterproductive for this family to feel as if their father can continue driving.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/44/driving
In the book, Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon, the author devotes a section to driving. She told her husband, little by little, that SHE would drive, to please sit in the passenger seat. In short order, she took over driving entirely and the husband didn't even question it. Pick up a few copies of that book for your own children. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I personally wouldn't let my husband drive at ALL if he's "unaware of one-way streets, speed limit signs, drives too fast or too slow. Poor lane placement, etc." Lose the keys or insist on driving yourself. Be the Bad Guy for everyone's sake, someone MUST BE. especially in the case of dementia. And why, pray tell, do your children get to weigh in on such decisions at all? Really, unless they are doing the 24/7 hands on caregiving and dealing with the ins and outs of all this, they GET no say!
Wishing you the best of luck taking the bull by the horns and corralling all of the trouble makers into the barn!
Most likely the DMV will mail him a request to show up for an in-person test. For my Aunt in FL (who suffered with triple vision) had to take an eye test. They asked her how she got there and her nephew took her. They wouldn't renew her DL.
If your Dad gets such a letter make sure NO ONE takes him to that appointment and just let his license expire. Maybe even intercept the letter so he never sees it. I've done this reporting for 3 elders in my family and all of them got their licenses retired.
FYI my cousins should have made more of an effort to retire my Uncle's DL but no one had the guts to do it. He went through a red light and got broadsided, which killed his wife and injured the victims in the other car. Your siblings need to know there is this type of real risk. Happens every day, just doesn't get reported on the news. When I lived in south FL at least once a month some elder backed over their own spouse in the Publix parking lot.
All of us kids didn't wanty dad to drive anymore, my dad didn't want to, but my mom wouldnt admit he shouldn't. So I'm very glad to hear you are not in denial and have common sense.
Could it be because they don't want to be bothered with driving him places.
I have no good answers to your problem, just wanted to tell you that your not alone. Your kids really need to accept the fact that there dad is ill.
Best of luck
You family is so wrong. They need to drive with him. Thats what Moms doctor said.
If so please go to DMV with Dad, change out the license for senior ID, and sell the car. This is not the time for opinions; this is the time for protective action.
My brother was diagnosed with early Lewys after a serious accident that almost killed him, was lying in arms of neghbor saying " I KNEW something was wrong". Her in SF an elder drove her car over an entire family of four, killing spouses and 2 children. Is that how he should end his own life?
If you are POA then this is on you to take care of, and you should take over the financials as well.
Not only should your father lose his license, but that OT should lose theirs to practice.
Did this OT acually get in the car with your father driving and take a ride? Or did they just give him some ridiculous, multiple-choice written test to take that determined he's fit to be behind the wheel, but only for a little while at a time. That's totally ridiculous.
Don't try explaining or reasoning with your family. Go straight to the police, the DMV, and whatever licensing board deals with Occupational Therapists and report the fool who thinks your father is okay to drive a little bit.
Then it's out of your hands. You will have done all you could.
I live in an over-55 community where these people are all over the place. They run into things and people and over plants and into store windows. They run stop signs, speed, and ignore flashing lights at crosswalks where pedestrians are passing. No effort is made to get them of the roads by either police or the community.
Bad things happen. My neighbor almost sideswiped a stop sign on the other side of the street because she never stays in her lane when she makes the left hand turn. It made tire tacks on the adjacent lawn. I was watching and it was scary. Someday a person will be there walking her dog and Mrs. Redvan may run over both of them.
Ask the family if they are okay with losing their dad or possibly having to deal with the lawsuits against him, after he kills or injures someone. He could lose everything he has in a lawsuit. OOPS - there goes their inheritance!