I had to move my mom to live with me several states away because she was no longer caring for herself or her apartment. It was infested with bedbugs among other pests and filthy. I was originally going to find her a place in senior housing, but now it looks like she needs assisted living because she can't even seem to take her medications correctly without help. She is very low income, and so far I've been unable to locate any places near me. As a result, she's living with me and I'm doing my best. She shares a bathroom with my college-age son and he noticed she was not washing her hands at all. I bought special soap that she picked out, and two days later it was still in the box. We started reminding her every time she leaves the bathroom (which is frequent because she has bladder issues), and now is becoming aggressive and angry when we ask her to wash. Yesterday she would go into the bathroom and turn the water on full blast the entire time she was in there, and mumbled about what she should do in retaliation. I was shocked and upset and asked her to please not run the water like that. She shouted at me to shut up and stop harassing her. I have not lived with my mother since I was 11 because she's mentally not all there. She was never diagnosed or treated, but she has the mentality of a child and the attitude of a teenager. My peaceful home has become an unwelcoming war zone and I have no idea what to do.
I’m glad your son can handle Grandma’s unwarranted vitriol. My mother actually was not that crazy about my son either. She thought we should have had only one child—my daughter—like she did. The fact that we didn’t want just one child didn’t matter. Plus, Mom had what must have been a lifelong aversion to men. Why she ever married my dad, I’ll never know. And, I repeat, it’s ok for you to remind your mom your son is not her own personal whipping boy and target for her snark.
Please let us know how things are going. There are so many posters whom we try to help and never hear from again. It was nice to hear from you!
Additionally, I did take her immediately to the doctor upon arrival, and she did not have a UTI, but they referred her to a urologist. We went there last week and he changed her medication. I don't see any changes yet but he said it could take a bit to kick in. Fingers crossed.
The nursing homes here are quite depressing and although I'm not sure she deserves all the comforts she currently enjoys at my house, I simply don't have the heart to dump her in one of those places. At least not yet...
So for now - we are pushing forward and hoping for the best. I will keep looking for a place for her and reaching out for other services. Thanks again to all of you who responded. You are a very loving and supportive group.
My dad would just be a disgusting pig and use the toilet, pick his nose, cough in his hand then touch all the cookies looking for the one he wanted. Unfortunately this was intentional, he was punishing me for not jumping to his tune. And he just couldn't understand why my house was NOT an option for his residence.
Based on the history I would do everything in my power to find her a new home. You just can't predict what might happen next. Who talks about retaliation anyway? Especially when you so kindly took this egg donor in to your home. (Sorry if that's offensive, I find her quite offensive)
She always had a short fuse. Your mother can no longer connect the dots, think clearly or remember things, which can confuse her and be frustrating for you, your son, and also for her.
The best thing that helped me was to talk to her Dr. and explain my mom had Dementia and they couldn’t trust anything she might say. She might tell the Dr. that she had a stroke or she might say she had three strokes! She had not had a stroke at all! They then started testing her for Dementia and I would go to all her appts. with her. Once she was put on a Happy pill (antidepressant) at a low dose it didn’t help and the dose was increased slowly over a couple of months, until, at last, her emotions were no longer out the of control. Thank you dear Lord!!
I’m happy to say my mom became a pleasant person who was grateful and easy to help for her last few months. She has since passed away, and I’m so thankful there was time to heal our relationship.
Wash his hands and he roamed all night and would get into the food in the refrigerator. My husband would not eat anything that was open after he saw my Dad do this. We had to get locks for the
doors. I kept him for 16 months and it took a toll on my health and my marriage. I tried to get him put in a nursing home but he would not qualify per Medicaid standards because he could walk and feed himself. It did not matter to them that he could not take his medicine, prepare his food, take a shower, even turn the tv on or change the channel. He could not take care of himself at all. I had him in a nursing home and they MADE me take him home after 20 days. This was in TN. I don’t know where you are but I would still have him if he hadn’t finally received VA aid and attendance so I could pay for an Assisted Living. Good luck and keep telling everyone that you can’t keep her. They will force you to if they can!
2) Take her in for a check-up. Write the doctor a letter beforehand, describing ALL of her behaviors (be objective, stick to facts). In the letter, clearly ask that she receive a full workup for dementia (not just a 'mini-mental').
3) If you have a master bedroom, I'd suggest that, for your own sanity, you give it over to mom and you and your son temporarily share the hall bath. At least you'd be able to literally shut the door on her behaviors to some degree. I'm dealing with a parent whose personal hygiene is repulsive. Sadly, it's one of the main reasons why I won't consider having him live with us and I choose not to spend much time with him. It may sound shallow, but I just can't stand it. He hasn't bathed in years and I have to bully him into changing, clothes, shaving and getting a haircut occasionally.
My suggestion is this: if it has not been 30 days and you have not gotten her a new state issued id card, I'd call APS back and ask them to help place her in a situation there and that she needs a state appointed guardian since she will be living there. Act like this visit was temporary all along, and that you are taking her back "home" now. And DO IT, even if you have to go to an ER to have her evaluated for bedbugs and mental illness. Give her old address on intake, but that she is now homeless and that you lack any legal power over her.
I understand the difficulty of "turning care over to them without a thought." You were removed at 11- that did not take "no thought." That was a rational decision and very well thought out. Your mom needs more care than you can provide, she's paid taxes in her other state for many years, and that is where her contacts (I hesitate to say friends) are. My suggestion is to have her installed in a mental health facility there. If you can get her into the ER, you must be strong and insist on a mental health and dementia eval because she is homeless and you care about her. Do not sign for her discharge. Much on this forum about that aspect.
Keep on the Agency on Aging. If you don’t hear back by tomorrow, call again. Good luck and let us know.
She does show the signs of early dementia, and I do think that is making the situation worse. I also reached out to the area agency on aging and have not yet heard back, but am hopeful that they can provide resources. I already signed her up for state Medicaid, and they gave her a tiny bit of food assistance as well, but when I asked about housing, was told there was nothing in the area for low-income seniors in need of assisted living. Hopefully this other agency will have some resources.
If it were just me, I would not care what she said. She's never been "nice" and often verbally abusive and I've chalked it up to her mental state, but she is lashing out quite violently to my son, who has done nothing but help, and that's not okay. I guess the Mama Bear comes out in me even though he is technically a grown man. I'm also afraid she will harm my animals when no one is around. Thanks again -
Judy
my mom gets mad at me too, increasingly so. but I try and not let it bother me too much.
im not sure if youre saying she shows signs of dementia also?
ive read there is (or already is) a tsunami coming for dementia....so you, like a lot of us are in the tsunami.
**keep calling resources for help and maybe one call will lead to another.. until you find the help you need. **
its easy to be "shocked and upset"
it may sound bad. but I have to be sneaky when it comes to my mom (in AL) cause even with AL she can still be ornery. I do have to try not to embarrass her. like I caught her washing paper plates that belonged in the trash. sometimes just let them do their "thing" then correct it later when their not looking
Hindsight is always 20/20. Ideally, you would have called Adult Protective Services in your mother’s former city and had her removed from her residence and placed in a facility befitting someone with her issues.
Take Jeanne’s advice and call for help. In the meantime, get some hand sanitizer for the bathroom and have her use that. It’s better than nothing. Explore Medicaid and apply for it. Then research facilities in your area for placement. This will only get worse and worse.
She was mentally ill back when you were 11 and she still is. This is Not Your Fault. It is Not Her Fault, either, dear lady, but that does not magically enable you to care for her in your home.
It does sound like she needs a level of care beyond independent living. Perhaps you should start by having a needs assessment done. Ask about this at your Area Agency on Aging, and/or your county's Human Services Department.
The agency that does a needs assessment will also have suggestions as to how those needs can be met.
There are some ways you might try to enact a cease fire in the hygiene war zone. But that would be the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure that you were not separated from your mother because of her poor hygiene when you were a child. There are deeper issues here.
I certainly don't suggest abandoning your mother. She deserves compassion and not punishment. And the most compassionate thing you can do is find her the appropriate level of care.