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My mother (83) lives alone, is in reasonably good health, has plenty of money and plans for care as she ages (she is OK with going to AL and has the place picked out).


Sounds great, except that there’s a middle ground between now and then, and I know I don’t have it in me to be the patient, loving, caring daughter. My mom’s minor issues are already a problem: Loss of hearing and intestinal issues.


She’s been losing her hearing for a while but will not get checked out. Meanwhile, she expects me to yell, accuses me of mumbling, and she often tunes me out even if she can hear me.


We (husband and I) took her on a trip last fall to Europe, and she ate something that was incompatible with her digestive system, which apparently led to sudden diarrhea. I think this has been going on for a while as well. The last time she stayed with us, we found strange brown streaks on one of our walls leading to/from the bathroom.


She still has a social network, and I believe she enjoys being alone, but her hearing loss is concerning because it will lead to cognitive decline. I’ve been politely asking her to get her hearing checked for a couple of years, but so far, she has refused and expects me to yell. I’m not willing to do that. Yelling stresses me out for many reasons, but mainly because my abusive father (now deceased) used to yell all the time.


When she had the diarrhea incident in Europe, we were staying at an Airbnb, and she refused to wash her soiled clothes. I get that she was embarrassed, but it happened, we didn’t need to discuss it, all she had to do was put everything in the washing machine and one of us would start it.


I am a very logical, no-nonsense person and just these two things really, really irritate me. When my mother got nasty because she couldn’t hear me, all I could think was “You’re skating on thin ice, lady. You let my dad abuse my sister and me for our entire lives. I only have the capacity for so much good will towards you, because like your hearing and your stubbornness, you are in total denial about all of the terrible things he did and how they affected me”.


So…she’s not going to change. I’ve been in therapy forever and have worked through all the crap from my childhood. I still resent my mom though, partially because she will not hear one bad thing about my father, so there’s no way to explain why I’m not up for being the caring daughter.


I have a sister, but she’s going to be dealing with her aging husband who is the same age as my mom.


I have provisionally gone "no contact" with my mother, not that she’ll notice, and my sister and I clash for reasons only she knows, so we’re "no contact" by default.


As my mother continues to age, she’ll be even less filtered, more stubborn, and less able to understand why I won’t be around.


Is it worth it to write her a letter? I don’t even need or want a response. She’ll either take it in or she won’t. If by some miracle she accepts what I tell her, I might have a change of heart. But there’s always the chance that things will revert. And then I’m out again.


Am I a horrible monster?

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You already know you are not a monster. Your mother is lucky you even talk to her. And if she starts to lose her filter you may have to eventually go no contact for your own self preservation. And that is perfectly ok.
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Your mother's preferred way of dealing with problems is to look the other way and pretend they don't exist.

I wouldn't write a letter and stir the pot. Just continue to be absent. Let her deal with it.

It is NOT a good idea for a child who has been abused to care for either the abuser parent or the one who allowed it to happen.
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Seekingtruth123 Aug 2022
It is NOT a good idea for a child who has been abused to care for either the abuser parent or the one who allowed it to happen.

I agree with your words there yet look how many of us are doing exactly that!
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After all these years, the only reason that your mother will respond well to ‘the letter’ is to get you back behaving the way she wants. If she wanted to do anything about the past problems, she would have done it already, and probably wouldn’t have let them happen in the first place. If you want to get it all off your chest, the usual advice is to write it down but not send it. Sending it is almost certain to make things worse, not better.

If you stick to ‘no contact’, your mother will cope – or she won’t cope. If she can’t cope, she can start up her existing AL plan. You can help with that if you want to. Perhaps you could send a different letter, saying that you can no longer visit regularly, and that you are willing to help her move to AL if she wants more company. If she doesn’t do that, and you know that her living conditions have become unacceptable, you can call the appropriate authorities where you live for a social worker to get involved.

You certainly aren’t a monster. Don’t tell yourself that, and don’t listen to anyone else who comes out with it.
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You are definitely not a monster. this site is mostly filled with people who had abusive parents and are in misery having to care for them. the people who don't mind caring for their parents are the people who had healthy loving relationships with them. they rarely show up here because while caretaking may be difficult, it's not torture if the parent is someone you adore who did not abuse you. we gladly change our babies' diapers and endure their silly tantrums because we adore them and we know they will grow out of it. we don't have the same adoration for our parents who abused us, so we will never look forward to taking care of them. and we are not bad people. we deserve to take care of ourselves.
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
I’m very glad it exists. I tend to turn to the internet when faced with stuff like this, and it’s always amazing to find the right community.
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NO you are NOT. a monster at all! Oh my, I can relater to your situation very much so and also to you being a 'logical, no nonsense' person. I would describe myself like that in many ways too. I have been consistent with BOUNDARIES with my mum and it is much better, she is proving she most definitely CAN speak nicely to me, she CAN stop critical comments and she CAN say sorry and thank you too. Who would have known! Re my elder sis, I have put boundaries in place with her too and she now doesn't call or msg. Works fine for me...I'm enjoying the peace. I dont doubt she'll be in touch when my M&D need more assistance and try to guilt trip once again. Decide what you will/can do and stick to it unapologetically! She will learn. Good luck!
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
Thanks so much. This community is great - so reasoned and balanced. Other forums are a bit of a guilt trip. And the ones for estranged elders - OMG. They really have no idea, even though they write, in their posts, the reasons why their children have said they don’t want contact.
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I think a lot depends on what state you live in. I took a 9 week course from my local county of aging department. One of the sessions was an attorney who talked about legal issues regarding caregiving. It was very shocking. The normal story is the parent ends up in the hospital for some reason. The courts look at the chain of responsibility for an elderly parent when they hit a point where they need to be supervised. So whether you like it or not, adult children are responsible to make sure a parent who needs supervision gets that, even if the parent was abusive in the past or is combative or uncooperative. The attorney stressed that while many of the reasons for estrangement are justified, they all go out the window in the courts' eyes when a parent hits the point of needing supervision/care. If an adult child refuses to take responsibility once that situation arises, they will be charged with Elder Neglect. The attorney said she gets 10-15 cases a year where adult children were estranged from their elderly parents and when the parent was deemed unable to live without supervision, but the adult children did not do anything about it. I don't know if that's the case in all states, but it is in California and I assume it is the same in many other states.
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
She’s already put her ducks in a row. She did it when she was thinking more clearly.

When the time comes and she needs assistance, I’ll just throw her money at the problem. She has lots of it.

She lives in New York - I’m in Texas. I’ll check the laws, but again, since money isn’t an issue, she can pay for her care. She’s nicer to other people than she is to me.
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If your mother turned a blind eye to your abuse as a child, you owe her nothing. She's evil. From your letter, she's also selfish and manipulative. Let her figure it out herself or have the state intervene. You have your own family and health to prioritize. You can either just block her from your phone and ignore her, or you can send her a letter telling her why you won't be involved in her life anymore. You're not a monster. She is.
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
She can figure it out herself. She has plenty of money. It will be interesting to see how/when she makes the decision to go to AL. But I can wait. And I’ve decided no letter. She’s mad at me right now for using foul language with her. Never mind the other content. Once I swear, I’m the bad guy.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Each one I read makes me feel so much better.
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You are not a monster.
My advice is to back off of caring for her; and wait for her to ask you for help. When she does; respectfully suggest that you are not able to help directly; but will call a caregiver center to arrange for someone to help her with her laundry; grocery shopping; daily needs; or she can move to AL.
Resist the urge to go over to help her; instead; go for a 'visit' once a week.
DO NOT let her drag you in to a fight about not helping; if need be - change the subject; go to the bathroom and cool off; or simply tell her you need to leave. She is afraid of change; and afraid to admit that she needs help. In my opinion; this age group is so used to being the 'parent' and making all their own decisions; they have a very difficult time letting others (especially strangers) care for them.
It's hard to back off; but you need to maintain your mental sanity and not let her wear you down. I hope by now she is on a waiting list for AL because our experience is that these facilities are extremely full and the wait list can easily be 1-2 years.
When my MIL's health began to decline around 88; she threw me under the bus many times; and said things that caused my husband to explode (mostly at me; because he didn't want to confront her). My husband had a very difficult time 'not running out to the store the minute she asked for something and taking it over right away )20 min each way min). He 'wanted to just be done with it' but also felt guilty if he wasn't at her beck and call. Took a long time and lots of discussions for me to convince him that she didn't 'need' a box of Kleenex immediately; she could wait. Most of her 'needs' were not critical; and we finally decided she was lonely and scared to realize she was declining and needed help (she, like many others her age; thought they would be able to live alone and take care of themselves until one day; they died in their sleep. She never imagined she would 'get old and need others to care for them').
When she was 88; she moved to 'independent living' and then finally to AL at 92. What a blessing!
AL provides all meals (and in room dining if she isn't well enough to go to the dining hall); transportation to doctors, entertainment; etc. and we can add levels of care as needed for 'dressing/bathing' etc. We also signed her up for in house doctor visits; med management, dressing aid etc.
All that to say; you should gently but firmly back off; offer her assistance in getting someone to take care of her needs; and remind her that you want to be her 'daughter' not her caregiver. You want to maintain a loving relationship with her; and for some people; that requires you to step back and insist that others do the care giving and you do the visiting. I will be praying for you; these are hard times; but I know the outcome can be worthwhile for both of you if you pursue 'standing back' and letting others care for her. Be strong.
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
So far I haven’t really had to care for her - she’s in New York and I’m in Texas.

I was visiting my hometown for a week for another reason and stayed with her as usual, but this time I just sort of snapped. We had an argument about her hearing, which was ridiculous because she couldn’t hear half of it, and took offense at my tone when I spoke loudly enough for her to hear me.

I finally made a reservation at an airport hotel and left. In isolation, I look like the bad guy here, but I promise there was a lot leading up to this.

My sister is there this weekend for a funeral. Normally, she would call me with her concerns, but I’ve blocked her because she wasn’t supportive when I told her what had happened last weekend. She and I clash for reasons known only to her, we barely talk anyway, so no great loss.
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No, you're not a monster! Your profile says you were a victim of abuse and your mother didn't protect you. I say call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. Only help her if you really want to, not because it makes you "a monster" if you don't.

By her behaviors you describe, she seems to already be down the path of dementia. With hearing loss on top of that... it will be very challenging to care for her. I personally had to work really had to convince my own 93-yr old mother to get hearing aids this year. I told her I wasn't going to be her caregiver if I had to yell everything to her. She didn't believe she had hearing loss until her hearing test. We got hearing aids at Costco, just in the knick of time, too -- her hearing has gotten significantly worse this past year (although it could also be comprehension). I live next door to her and still have to go put them in for her every morning.

Do not feel guilt. It's ok to feel grief. You can help her from afar by setting her up with a social worker. If you or your sister are not her DPoA, then all the more reason to not step in. The county will eventually acquire guardianship of her, and take care of her needs. You can work with the county and the guardian as much as you are willing. May you receive peace in your heart!
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
She’s not vulnerable yet. As I said, she’s just beginning to show signs of cognitive decline. She’s probably got a few years left of independence.

She also has plenty of money to pay for assisted living. I’m just going to stay away and out of it unless or until I’m summoned, at which point I’ll just throw her money at the problem.

I appreciate your response and validation. Most people have no idea what she’s really like and would be shocked if I told them.
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In reality, your mother has always been 'deaf'. She didn't hear your cries for help when you were a child, and she's not willing to hear you now. What's changed? Nothing. This is how you have to look at the situation: your mother has chosen to turn a deaf ear to LIFE, her children, the situations that have occurred in her life, and now you are wondering if YOU are a 'horrible monster'? The truth is, SHE is the monster who's shirked her parental duty in protecting you as a child, and you're now faced with caring for her as a stubborn elder who is yet again turning a deaf ear AND a blind eye to what's happening? I think not.

You can love and/or care about a person w/o doing hands on caregiving or being their primary caretaker. It's okay to love or care for them from afar, where they can no longer harm you. This is my suggestion for how to 'love and/or care for' your mother moving forward: from afar.

Writing letters to deaf people serves no useful purpose because they won't 'hear' the words within it anyway. Your mother hasn't heard you your whole life, what's gonna change NOW? She's all of a sudden going to read a letter and wake up, say AHA! I've been a terrible mother who's ignored my daughter and caused her all kinds of grief and pain and for that I owe her? Yeah, no. Not likely to happen. What is likely to happen instead is either of two things; she either ignores the letter entirely after you sweat bullets writing it, or, she turns YOU into the Bad Guy for upsetting a Poor Little Old Lady Who Never Meant Anyone Any Harm. She'll pull out the Victim Card and play it to the hilt. I wouldn't waste my time and effort on writing a letter unless it somehow helps you to get all that angst off of your chest, then write it, but don't mail it.

Your mother is obviously (IMO) going down the dementia highway now b/c nobody in their right mind is going to leave poop streaks on a wall and then refuse to wash their soiled clothing. Period. Hearing loss or not, she'd also have to have a loss of smell to refuse to wash clothing that is soiled with feces, let's face it. That's a classic sign of dementia. You are correct in that as she continues to age, she'll be even less filtered, more stubborn and less able to understand EVERYTHING in general, which is hallmark of dementia.

Since she's willing to go into Assisted Living, I'd see about getting her placed ASAP, and into an ALF that has Memory Care attached, so she can segue into it when necessary. You can manage her affairs for her (by paying bills and making decisions about her care) from far away. I managed my parents' lives for them while they lived in AL and then MC for almost 7 years while living in my own home. I did visit them a lot, but I didn't have the type of history with them as you do with your folks. We had our issues, God knows, but there was no physical abuse involved.

Please take care of YOURSELF now and don't feel obligated to send a letter to your mother in hopes that she'll accept what you say so YOU can have 'a change of heart.' It's too late for that, in my opinion, bc a person doesn't change who they are at their CORE. It's a fantasy thought all abused children have, I think, that one day their mother will have some kind of epiphany and turn into the Good Mother they should have been all along. There's some chromosome or something missing in certain people that never magically appears one day, and they wind up being who they are until the day they die. Accept that fact and make the rest of your life the best of your life. You deserve that.

Good luck.
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KaterinaL Aug 2022
I always thought I was overstating it when I said my father was abusive, because it didn’t happen every day. But at least once a week he’d completely lose it somehow, sometimes for reasons that had nothing to do with anything we knew about.

I’m don’t think he hit us very much, either, but he would do things like dump out all of my dresser drawers on the floor if he thought my room was too messy, completely red-faced and out of control. He once burned my favorite t-shirt in the driveway because he was tired of seeing me wear it. It got worse as we got older because we weren’t as ready to obey him.

The good news, if there is any, is that I never felt that I was the problem. I knew he was crazy, for lack of a better word, pretty early on. But yes, I never understood why my mother just stood by and didn’t intervene. She’d let it happen, then apologize for my father, which is probably more than a lot of abused kids get. I never got the sense she was afraid of him, so it’s all very surreal. He kept this behavior up until he was too sick to do it any more.

My mother is extremely wealthy and there’s no reason for me to get involved in any of her affairs. She has financial advisors, attorneys, and trustees. I already have power of attorney.

As far as I’m concerned, she can do what she wants. Eventually one of her younger friends or a nearby relative will contact me, but even then - she can pay for movers. What she won’t be getting is contact from me. I’m already tired of it, and she’s really not that bad. None of her friends seem concerned, so…

But thanks for the validation. I’m a little surprised at how much I resent her - it only took that one last interaction for my compassion to go “poof”. Which is strange because I’m an extreme empath. But she’s not good for me.

So I’ll just sit and wait, I guess. I have no burning desire to write a letter. I was just wondering if I should at least tell her I’ve gone no contact. She doesn’t know! I blocked her number and on social media, as well as my sister, who is toxic in other ways. I guarantee it will take at least a month for either of them to figure it out.
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No. You are not a horrible monster. Any attempt at communication is a good thing. If your mother does not let you speak, doesn't or can't listen, then by all means write that letter.
In truth it's for you not her. Do not tolerate stubborness on any level. I certainly don't.
I was a profesional caregiver for a lone time and have told many a stubborn senior including my own mother - Nothing gets a person a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
You're very lucky that your mother is wealthy. Because of her wealth that gives you a choice. You will not have to be her caregiver out of financial necessity. Count your blessings.
I too grew up in abuse but also in poverty. My father left us when I was a little kid because he just couldn't take it anymore. Then I got his share of my mother's abuse and then some.
There's nothing wrong with you going no contact. You have to look out for your own mental health. Your mother like mine is so deep in denial about about the abuse you grew up in that she will never even accept that it happened. Let alone apologize for her part in it. There's nothing you can do about that.
Write that letter.
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KaterinaL Sep 2022
I just saw your response! My apologies. It’s great.

I don’t think my mom deserves to be cut off from me - she grew up in a MEAN family and she’s not introspective. I’ve never expected that from her.

But 100% I think that writing to her is appropriate, simply because she can’t hear. And I’ll explain why I won’t yell. We can communicate via text after that. But visiting her? Out of the question unless and until she does something about her hearing.

Thanks so much!
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You are not a Monster! Protecting your spirit! I can relate on a number of levels. My Mom is 79. Father worked so hard (passed in Jan) & she is financially sound. Lives in hoarder-ish conditions, screams & cusses at me daily on the phone. I actually sleep better at night when she has yelled at me during the evening call. Reminds me that I deserve to protect myself--boundaries. I see her twice a month. I think about sharing with her verbally but she won't take it in.. Borderline & NPD..decade of Alcoholism & Mania. I do what I can do...and no more. I get off the phone faster and help her when I am there...but leave earlier now... 5 hrs each visit vs 7. 2 hrs away. Your Mom has friends. This is GREAT! Is she active. Will she go on walks? My Mom does not have friends & is not active. Much older physically than many mid 80's or my Dad who passed at 92..
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I was an RN. Always was clear to me I could NEVER do in home care for ANYONE, no matter how much I loved them. That would go for parent, partner and child. Just could not do it, and I don't feel like a monster. I feel like someone who has a human limitation she is well aware of, and always was.
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There is no monster living within you. I couldn't home care anyone, I am not clinically trained and have no interest in learning how to change an adults diaper or bathe them. Not my thing.

I will make certain that they are well cared for and safe, check on them often and make sure they are getting proper medical care.

I have done my duty.

She is not going to change, there should be no "I might change my mind". It won't work, accept that.
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You are not a monster. You are very clear on what you will accept and not accept any longer. Everyone is not cut out for this caretaking thing, and it is okay. I have to admit, I don't always have the patience to put up with abusive nonsense from people who won't comply to the most simplistic orders such as; wear your hearing aides. Not wearing them will contribute to cognitive decline. I had a similar situation where I was taking care of someone who made all types of excuses for not wearing their hearing aides. My constant yelling and straining my vocal cords lead to an increase in my own blood pressure. On top of that, I was constantly putting up with the constant criticism over dumb things that most people wouldn't give a second thought. I have problems with people who will not comply with their physician's orders and tend to want to have things done their way even if it damages the other person's well being and health. These folks are just plain selfish, and I'm one in support of assisted living or a long term care facility if these people don't want to do the necessary things to keep themselves safe enough to age in place. We were not placed on this planet to become emotional and sometimes physical punching bags for abusive people.
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The hearing issue drives me nuts too. I would tell mom, "Nope. I am NOT yelling. If you refuse to get tested and get hearing aids, then you will suffer the consequences." End of story.

My hubby got pushed (by me) to get his hearing tested cuz he often doesn't hear me. I needed to know if it was a "wife frequency" issue or an actual hearing issue. He has mild loss in one ear, moderated in the other. Good to know and now we have a baseline. Hearing aides are so expensive and it seems a little premature to get them now.

My 79yo mom with dementia has hearing issues too. Never tested, no hearing aids but I'm not going to push it and I'm not going to yell. She mostly plays the "Oh haha I thought you said XXXXX" game which I absolutely hate. I don't care what you thought I said cuz you can't hear for crap. Ugh.
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No monster💕
Write the letter.
Take the kind advice for yourself that you would give to a beloved friend in same situation... God Bless
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No, you are not. In fact, knowing your limits and putting her best care in someone else's hands is the most compassionate and responsible thing you can do for both of you.
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Wow, you took an elder with fecal incontince on an international trip? You must have the patience of Job.

That alone should permanently keep you off the selfish or bad daughter list.

She sounds like the type that will have to hit rock bottom before they’ll accept help, so don’t let her drag you down with her. A few thousand miles between you and her is a good thing!
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My father had the same issue with hearing aids. I hate repeating myself and yelling because he refused to do anything. Then a doctor finally convinced him to get them and I had to take off work 3 times for the appointments only for him to have them two days and return them. I told him i would no longer be his ears if he did that and he agreed. Next week he calls me and tells me I need to call someone for him 'because he can't hear". Took me 20 minutes for me to get him to understand why I would not be doing that.

You are lucky that you live far enough away. Next time you have to visit make it a shorter one....or at least tell her it is only for a few days...and stay at a hotel. Do you call regularly? Spread them out or make them shorter. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that. Set your boundaries. Maybe research a few senior living places near where she is now just in case.
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No. You are not a monster. There are a whole bunch of issues there and you reap what you sew. I think you are right to think she was on thin ice.

I chose not to do much in the way of care for my mother because of an abusive childhood and an estranged adult relationship and on top of it that I knew I wouldnt get a cent of inheritance as it was planned to go to the surviving step father. If there had been some inheritance in the mix then I might have thought I had a reason to provide more care as it would mean the parent had done something for me for the first time in their life. But, I knew that they were not even doing that either.
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