He wants me to care for him- I have my own young family- a complicated stressful full time career with a ton of responsibility and I am struggling setting limits. To be honest, growing up with my dad was very hard. I had no relationship with him for over 25 years which probably saved me- I reconnected with him 10 years ago and while he was sober and in a good place in his life 10 years ago, but many of his old abusive and manipulative characteristics are apparent now again. He has no one else to care for him (no other family member has contact with him- his sister disconnected, his cousin, all 6 children both ex wives). I have coordinated a care giver (no easy task given his chosen to build a house in a remote location) taken over his medical care coordination and finances, and visit regularly to help him get out of the “pickles” he gets himself in and “fix” the next issue. I could go on and on to paint a real picture but it would take too much time- but his needs are overwhelming and all controlling. It is really impacting my mental health. I try to think of him like a client and to find solace in making his life easier while detaching emotionally-but his behavior is getting worse and he is becoming more and more abusive. I know it’s not healthy for me - but I can’t ignore his needs.
I am not sure there is any one answer to my ultimate question of how to cope beyond balancing caring for myself with caring for him- but any tips that you can think of would be great.
You tell him how it will be and if he doesn’t like it, let him take care of his own problems or not.
”But it’s my dad!” Is not a valid reason when he was never your dad at all.
You won’t win his love or get the relationship you should have had with him. Stop holding out any hope for that. He has crushed your heart enough.
YES!! Me too! And 99% of the time it’s the daughters. They’re the ones who are expected to step in when no one else can or will.
Hear this, y’all: YOUR PARENTS CHOSE TO HAVE YOU. Even if you were
a surprise, they still chose to have you. You didn’t ask to be here. They signed up for parenting, then decided to back out, see you as a burden, or abuse you instead. You do not owe such “parents” anything because they had sex and made a baby.
Would you go your employer and say “You owe me a raise and more vacation time because I chose to work here.”? Of course not! The same is true for crappy parents.
Either you will be able to come to an agreement, or you won't. If the former then great, if the latter then TELL him what you are able and willing to do and discuss options for the rest. At the end of the day if he exceeds what you are willing and able to do then you will do nothing and he will have to pay for everything he needs doing - you have NO responsibility for his life, but as with just about all parents we feel some duty even if the relationship has been poor, that duty may extend to assisting or arranging assistance, it does not extend to compromising your own health and well being especially if you have tried to have a reasonable discussion on the matter. Perhaps trying to have the conversation will assist you in making a decision on what needs to happen going forward for what could be a number of years of increasing work load. Good luck x
My situation is different but when I truly looked at my bigger picture - looked at what my giving/helping/serving was - it was illuminating. It didn't actually help my relative become more independant, just increased dependance on me. After a time, it did not make me feel helpful either, but overwhelmed & frustrated. I started neglecting my own family & own needs & resentment grew. It served no-one.
What started out like a flower, a gift of dutiful service, was grown from a bed of unhealthy roots, from poor communication, from mixed messages of what was love & acceptance. What it was to be a 'good girl'.
I decided to change the 'gift'. From at beck & call help & general fixer to advocate to encourage their own life choices towards fixing their own problems. So far mixed results. Some new independence, but also turning from me to find new fixers.
Now I understand more about how some people can become estranged. How the man I met a few years ago, with an estranged son, then attached himself to a nephew. I have since heard this pattern in many many families.
If the OP's Dad accepts his situation: aging/health/finances/dependencies etc & gets help to rearrange his world to a smaller environment where he CAN be more independent, great!
If not, if he still expects the world to serve him, for his daughter to fix everything for him he will drive her away too.
Maybe the kindest thing would be to tell him, so he can make an informed choice.
It has become something I hold on to when I start to question if I'm doing enough. My folks are 'only' dealing with the steady decline of getting older, but neither one of them really positioned themselves to make sure they were in better shape as they aged, so I can only do so much. You can't be responsible for the consequences of how he chose to live his life and treat other people.
As others have said, figure out what you can do while keeping yourself healthy and sane (not what you are telling yourself you SHOULD do!), and then protect your time and mental health beyond that. If you still feel you can help, then maybe focus on his absolute needs - safety, shelter, food, needed medical care, etc. His "wants" beyond that (or maybe even some of the "needs"!) may be too much for you to deal with, and that's ok. You can walk away from those (it may be hard, but you CAN) - enlist whatever local social services you can and liberally use the phrase "I am not local, and I can't help him with this".
Don't buy into the Hallmark movie syndrome - just because you are family doesn't make him your responsibility or duty. All his other family have set their boundaries with him, and so can you. From what you've said, he's pushed everyone else away, so you are just the last in line. That DOESN'T make him your responsibility, especially if he is now abusing you despite the help you are providing. And as others note, it could be that the more you help, the more he feels entitled to/the more trouble he feels he can get into, because he knows you'll take care of it.
He is abusive and that is not to be tolerated.
If you abuse it, you lose it. Joseph Anthony a son of Jehovah
If he will not appreciate your kindness let him live in a hell of his own making.
(I believe) That pain never healed.
Be aware of 'who' - which part of 'you' is reacting - the child or the adult 'now.' It is not the adult now although this may be confusing/difficult for you to not only understand but how to move through and forward. While I often advise / encourage people to get into therapy, the awareness of your behavior is the first step.
1. You, as an adult now, need to decide how to respond; and
2. Set boundaries, limits on your 'helping' (the helping is continuing the wounding of the past for YOU)
3. Many children abused continue to 'love' their abuser because it is all they have / know. This is not love, it is trauma caused by what has happened to you. Your 'love' now is self-abuse.
4. Understand that he no longer 'controls' YOU - you allow whatever he says, wants, needs, etc control or dictate your thoughts and behavior.
S - T - O - P
5. You need to understand that you (YOU) and your immediate family come first. And that you can only do so much for him. You cannot 'save' him. He will make his own decisions and suffer the consequences.
6. You must be clear on:
a) wanting to separate (the wounded child from the adult you);
b) if he can understand, tell him what you will and will not do; ... and if he doesn't understand, you DO IT anyway. The boundary setting is for YOU and your well being and your family. You are acting out as a 'co-dependent' - find out what this means through AA program, attend meetings if you can. Awareness is inner-power.
c) enlist social services or medical professionals as available; and
d) be very clear on your priorities (i.e., you, your immediate family) and make 'healthy' decisions from the 'adult' you now.
7. Realize you are that wounded child and get professional help to untangle the 'two yours' - you need to heal and let your dad do what he wants.
8. Really think about your immediate family and how YOU want to be with them, and the example you set. You want them to grow up healthy, mentally, emotionally, etc., and you need to be there, in the present.
9. Your dad will NEVER CHANGE. He cannot. You can and you need to for your own sanity and realizing the messaging you are giving to your husband, children by your behavior. You are teaching by example: no personal boundaries = no self-esteem, wounding behavior.
10. What you say here "... but I can't ignore his needs."
Yes and No. You do what you can, set limits, and the chips fall where they fall.
You S T O P contribution to your own chipping away at yourself AND you start to heal that inner-child. Your feelings here are the 'wounded child' speaking.
He will consume you if you allow it.
And then, how will you be - with yourself and your immediate family? You will burn out if you do not put on your 'adult hat' and take responsibility for who you are now and make healthy decisions.
* Will this change of your thinking and behavior be easy. ABSOLUTELY NOT. It will take focused awareness and a decision on how you want (and need) to proceed. It starts with changing your 'head/thinking' - telling yourself you want to heal that abused child and this is the way to do it . . . self love, feeling through the discomfort of setting limits, challenging your own thoughts (guilt) of stepping back / setting boundaries.
* Lastly, research books 'wounded child' 'co-dependency.'
Gena / Touch Matters
Finally, talk to and seek help from the least resistant family member or call a family meeting.
You are doing more than enough for your father. You have arranged for in-home caregiving to take care of his daily needs. You have taken responsibility for managing his money and financial decisions. You have become his medical secretary who is keeping track of all the conditions, their treatments, and all the doctors. You also visit regularly.
Considering you're doing all of this while still working a full-time job and raising a family, I'd say you're doing a fine job as your father's caregiver. If all of this isn't enough for him then TOO BAD! He can go into a nursing home then.
You do not have to cater to his every whim and demand. Nor do you have to tolerate his abuse because he wants you to make his care needs and what he wants your entire life. He doesn't deserve that. No one does.
Stop tolerating this behavior from your father. Remind him that he had no relationship with you for 25 years and that you can easily resume that once again and very easily. Good luck to you.
What is his financial situation?
Is your father mentally competent per a doctor's evaluation?
If he is mentally competent, then he needs to direct his own care - not you. He will suffer negative consequences of poor choices, but that is his business - not yours.
If he is not mentally competent, it appears he may have reached the point that he needs more concrete boundaries on his behavior - limited access to his own finances, no longer driving... Start talking to a counsellor who understands "caring for difficult seniors" or read a boundary book by Townsend and Cloud to help create a plan that works better.
Do you want to be the person in charge of your father's care and day-to-day life?
Since you find this task overwhelming and life-sucking, it might be better to ask the courts to appoint a legal guardian who will take over these tasks.
However GCM are not usually covered via insurance unless he has a Long Term Care Policy. If he can't afford the private pay cost look into Medicaid and then assistance through them.
Thats really overwhelming and doing it from another state is more stressful.
trust me. Mine did move in with me snd I’m loosing my mind. I feel depressed fir the first time in my life. My relationship with him is damaged and getting worse. My relationship with my child, and husband have been compromised. My work is compromised. And HE is lonely and depressed, with no activities. Perfectly able person too. It’s a nightmare. Do not move him in with you.
i WISH I had gotten this advice - but alas, im now in s as situation where im loosing everything I love.
You probably realize he is now living with dementia and there is no reasoning with him and many become increasingly angry and hurtful towards the one person who does the most for them. While you may thin it,s admiral you’ve taken this on after what you have suffered with him over the years, one has to ask why you feel it’s your sole responsibility? We are not super heroes with unlimited energy and compassion. You need boundaries and please listen to the excellent advice given by Geaton777.
he made his bed…he needs to lie in it. You do not have to "change the sheets"
I suggest you get him placed somewhere so that your responsibilities lessen. This will not get easier and eventually he will need placement to attend to his cognitive and physical needs. What would happen to him if you cut off all your help? You have your answer.
#1
Hire a Live In for your Dad.
#2
Your Dad goes in to a Nursing Home
Your dad has made choices, too. He chose to be a jackass and chose to not learn the lesson that most people (except you) will walk away from that treatment. I think you maybe need to talk to a therapist, as you seem to have a dysfunctional or co-dependent relationship with your father. You have a conscience, and you are concerned for him as a human being, but you need help with boundaries. Your own family comes first and eventually your father's needs will overwhelm you, your time, energy and mental health. If you can't make yourself walk away from him (like other wise family members) you may wind up losing your family as well. He is a grown man who had his whole life to save and plan for this season and eventuality of his decline, just like all of us. He chose not to. You in no way are obligated to come in to rescue him or help him in any way -- there are other solutions available to him besides you. If you juggle flaming balls you will eventually catch fire.
His "pickles" are his own. What you are doing is enabling a charade of independence.
Find a good counselor to help you understand that you are not responsible to pay the price for his choices. You are not his doormat, so stand up.
Call APS and report a vulnerable, at risk senior and let the state deal with his needs.
Your husband, children and you all come before him. After you are all taken care of, then you can help him, if there is time. Don't short your children to accommodate him, it is time you will never get back. Burning yourself out for him will make you someone you don't want to be and that will adversely effect your children.
He is the one that needs to make changes, like moving into an assisted living facility and selling his remote house. He doesn't get to control you and be in charge unless you let him. Remember he is the one in need.
There is a good reason that all other family has totally disconnected. This doesn't mean your have to stay because you are it.