I do feel like a slave doing all the work, and if I say something to the daughters, they just say, hire somebody. My husband is appreciated, but he mostly sleeps even though the doctor is telling him to move more, but I cannot constantly nag him doing it. With one of the daughters I can talk, but she lives to far away to help. She will however stay with my husband for a long weekend, so I can go visiting my friends after 6 years. The other daughter has no heart, she just wants me to make Christmas dinner for her and her daughter with family, she never helps me in any way.
I did have to hire someone to take care of our lawn, but the rest I was able to do while working full-time as well.
Now initially my children(from first marriage)were still home and did help out some, but after about 4 years both my children were out on their own and I certainly didn't expect them to have to come and help me, as they were building their own lives.
Your daughter is right, if you need extra help you need to hire someone to help you. Your husband is not either of your daughters responsibility. They have their own lives and responsibilities. And if his care is getting to be too much, you may have to look into placing him in the appropriate facility.
I was fortunate that I wasn't working the last 4 years of my husbands life, and was able to be with him full-time, and care for him to the end. He did have hospice coming the last 22 months of his life, but that still left 99% of his care on me, and eventually I had to hire someone to lift him out of bed to put him on the bedside commode, as he was completely bedridden.
So please if you need help, hire some, and quit putting these unrealistic expectations on your daughters. If they want to help they will.
And this should be good insight as to what they will do when you become ill, so make sure you have your "ducks in a row" now, so you won't be disappointed again later on.
Now as far as Christmas goes, you owe your daughters nothing. If having them over is too much, just tell them and enjoy your Christmas with your husband.
My mother still drives. She attends family dinners out, and she goes to an art class. She had five sisters, one of whom recently passed, and the other four are very close. They had a gathering, my sister wanted to take her kid and bring her down to be with her aging sisters, and my dad just spazzed out, the whole "Do you want me to DIE" thing, made my 10-yo niece who tried to reason with him cry. It was gonna be 36 hours and we were going to have an actual family there, but no, he wants MOMMY.
We lost that one. But you don't have to. You are going away this time and perhaps other times to go be with your other friends and family, and here are the arrangements and the person for him. Like my own mother, I suspect you're not like exactly 50 years old. Time is limited. Try to enjoy your life.
Christmas, order out. We did it one year with Bob Evans and would do it again. Cracker Barrel does it too. Me, daughter is an RN so early in her career she worked Christmas. I started making Lasagna. That way it could be reheated if daughter was late.
I have cut down a lot on Christmas and I have a 8yr old grandson. If the daughter wants a big meal, then she can make it. You do a couple of sides. That's what I do at Thanksgiving. Daughter makes the turkey and some sides and everyone invited brings a side.
" My husband is appreciated, but he mostly sleeps even though the doctor is telling him to move more, but I cannot constantly nag him doing it."
Daughter "lives to far away to help"
Do you see a pattern here? How did this develop? This is your focus, specifically, your relationship with family, how you came to do the work, why you continue to do so, and how to change it. The onus is on you to take action and start establishing parameters.
I'm blunt not to be cruel, but so that you can see the patterns of behavior and lack of participation in helping, and address your relationship with your family so that the work is shared, or even hired out. But as long as you continue to do it, they'll continue to allow you.
Do you think you could stand up to the Christmas daughter by stating that she either helps or doesn't come, and you follow through by not inviting her? And you'll need to stand up to your husband and other daughter as well. Pull that "human rug" out from under them. Or, just don't do the chores. And let them fix their own food.
Can I ask what your husband suffers from or what his care needs are - it will help us be able to understand his and your needs better and hopefully be able to offer advice from our own journeys along with what other help and resources are out there that you may both benefit from. 🦋