I’ve been a member of this board for many months but unable to read the topics because they are so scary and upsetting but I’m desperate.
spouse has behavioral variant fronto temporal dementia (bvFTD) 6 yrs into Dx.
cannot work
no income
he is extremely violent at times, has nearly killed me 3 times (I’m Currently covered in bruises)
no familial support or local support
will have $0 in less than 90 days but cannot get assistance because we are falling from middle class to poverty. Because the taxes look like everything is “okay” we cannot be considered for anything.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse so this is triggering me to the point of madness, I don’t know where to start. Everywhere I go is a dead end. I’m losing hope, need to work but have disabilities.
Someone, please tell me I’m going to survive this. I do not see a path ahead.
Yes, a good strategy is to actually report the abuse so that he can be removed from your home. Take pictures of ALL your bruises. He will hopefully be taken to the hospital. If the hospital calls to discharge him back into your home, you must be *very adamant* that it would be an "unsafe discharge" and you have the pictures of your bruises to prove it. Resisting him being discharged back to your home means social services will being pursuing guardianship of him and they will work to relocate him into a facility where he will the care he needs.
In the meantime (if you have not already done this) call social services to discuss what services may be available to you. Also contact your local area's Agency on Aging to see what resources they suggest. If your spouse does end up back in your home, you should really consider a women's shelter. They have people there who can advise you on next steps to help yourself. You need to be around people who will help protect you and point you in the proper directions.
You can also call local churches even if you are not a member of their congregation. Many churches have outreach ministries to their community and benevolent funds to help those in need. Call their main offices and tell them your dilemma and who would be the best person to contact. Keep calling churches.
Nowadays there is online counseling services, which is better than nothing. You are connected to an actual therapist. You need an objective person to speak encouragement, objectivity and wisdom into your life. Just do one little thing to move yourself forward every day. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. May you receive peace in your heart and mind.
The time to call EMS is NOW while you are covered with bruises. You should have a diary as well. You will then tell the local hospital of the diagnosis and that you cannot allow your husband home again because of his attacks on you; that you are in fear for your life. Do not listen to the social workers promises of "making this work" and "getting you help". They cannot and they will not and they will want him off their hands.
As to placement, that will go along as it goes along. You will require an Elder Law Attorney to help you to separate out your income. You may consider a legal separation to help save your own assets for yourself. This will require some money of course, will come from your or your husband's next social security check.
It is time for placement. No one should live with abuse. If you need to leave and report him as a senior in need of assistance and wellness checks, then do so. But for me "I would be calling the EMS ambulance on 911 this second, and displaying my bruises when I do so. In fact I would myself go to the ER with my injuries, which would then be documented. The harder he fights the ambulance folks the more certainly he will be hauled to the ER. Then see to it that he is not returned to your home. You honestly have no other choice that I can imagine.
Seek our services from your Area Council on Aging or whatever it is called in your area; or seek out your county's social services. If you belong to a church see if they can assist you - if not check your local churches for assistance.
If you have to leave home immediately for a women's shelter where you will be safe and they can help you find the services you need.
May you find safety and be blessed with peace and grace.
I have gotten services for both my Mom and my disabled nephew and never have I been asked for income tax paperwork. Any bank statements, SS statement you get at the first of the year and pay stubs, usually just the recent months worth. When you get him out of the house, then you need to go to your County Social Service Dept and see what services you can get for yourself.
At a point, you may need to allow the State to take over his care. They will appt a guardian for him. Things will move faster if they are in charge. This is not the man u married. "In sickness or in health" does not apply here. You cannot care for someone with this type of Dementia. It could mean ur life.
If he's nearly killed you three times and you're covered in bruises now, then I'd say it's time to get the hell out of there. Don't even take a chance and call the cops on him because it's not worth the risk.
It's tough if you have no family support, but not impossible. Every community has some type of emergency services for domestic abuse. You might have to live in a shelter for abused women for a while, but you will be away from your abuser and they will help you with resources and assistance. They will put you in touch with the right people who can help you put your husband in a care facility, Please call your state's domestic abuse hotline. They will help you out.