I am worried sick about having enough money to bury my mother when the time comes. My brother is well off financially but says he can't help. I live on a small widow's social security benefit and have no savings. Likewise, my mother has no savings for emergencies. I've heard all kinds of horror stories and am now trying to pay monthly for a prepaid funeral for her. The problem is she's 93 and I'm scared she could pass before the policy is paid off. Any suggestions? Thank you
I don't know how you feel about cremation--everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But I feel sad that you are having to stress about finances regarding end of life decisions. Funerals are for the living--there are ways to say good-bye, honor your mom, and bring closure and peace to those who love her without going into major debt. You don't need or deserve the extra stress and expense that burial can bring. My heart is with you.
I can understand when someone is younger, well-loved, honor them and remaining family, etc, or if the deceased wanted something special and pre-paid or had life insurance to cover it and left instruction, fine. But for someone who really has no one left and no way to pay for it?
Our mom also has the option to be buried in the Marine's plot with dad, which I believe is no extra cost for that (VA benefit?), and is what she indicated she wanted up to/when she was still early dementia... right now she is more focused on visiting her mother (gone about 40 years) or what her mother is doing for each major holiday... :-}
There are also cardboard caskets, but the price of some of those is out of line as well, depending where they are purchased. This state requires a concrete vault, so that can't be avoided, but in some states they may not have that requirement. One really has to do their research.
I believe the 15K in this case was well spent towards starting the healing process for my brothers and me, but especially my mom. Not to say you need to spend that much to have a good goodbye, but in this case I would rather have spent that 15K than my two brothers and I each getting 5K when my mom eventually passes. As said, she is not rich by any means. They lived simply and save and my mom has enough to get by as she really does not live extravagantly.
I realize this is not possible for everyone, but just stating another angel, er, I mean angle, Freudian slip perhaps.
My mother was cremated and scattered in her favorite place. Just family there. No urn. My Sister-in-Law was buried in her cardboard box with her favorite fabric wrapped around it, she was a quilter.
If you have no money, the county will cremate her for free. You don't see bodies of homeless people etc. laying around on the street. If you wanted her ashes back you probably would have to pay the county a fee.
You are not responsible for your mom do not put yourself in debt
Make arrangement now your brother should not be considered in the arrangements
Luckily, my mom, while not rich, was still able to afford it, but seems like a lot of money (on a lighter note, we paid the bill with multiple credit cards with huge bonus points - paid the CC bill right away, but in doing so recouped some of the cost in points. The funeral directors said people do this all the time.
Instead of being able to mourn and deal with the sadness, they were frantically running around town comparing prices, looking at caskets, trying to figure out what he would want to wear...writing and paying for a $1800 obituary---and trying to throw together a service.
I tried to just be supportive, but I did get dad's Fire Captain's uniform out of storage, had it cleaned and bought new socks and underwear. I performed a musical number, made sure tho obit got in the paper, took note of all flowers and plants and got thank you notes---at the final "viewing" before the viewing, DH was upset b/c dad's hair didn't look "right" and his nails were needing a trim. I got the mortician to handle these things. Oh! He was a veteran--how do we get a flag for the casket? Just one drama after another.
It went off ok. We had him buried in a family plot in a beautiful small town in the mountains (where, BTW, our niches for our ashes are!)......the kids were so exhausted by all this--they didn't put a marker up until the next summer---and holy moly--that thing was ENORMOUS. Just shrieks "guilty kids".
After the fact, so many things would have been different had SOMEONE asked dad what he wanted. He would have been embarrassed to be buried in the nicest piece of furniture he ever owned.
Compare that with MY dad's funeral 8 months later. ONE visit to the funeral home. I wrote his obit. At the service, My daughter played a beautiful piano piece she had learned years earlier for this occasion and will play it at mother's funeral. We kids all spoke for 5 minutes apiece. In about an hour and a half, mother had chosen the flowers, the casket and plot and all the "trappings" had long been paid for. Mother was able to remain calm and grieve with us kids in peace.
The difference between the two events were huge. FIL's came together, but it was a stressful, depressing situation. Daddy's was sweet, loving and a wonderful tribute.
As for me and my DH? Cremation, no viewing, Short service and eternity mixed up together in the cremains box my best friend is making for me.
This hits mighty close to home--my husband nearly died from 2 heat attacks just a few weeks ago. He's recovering, slowly, but I had to face the very great possibility I was facing his death. HOWEVER, knowing exactly what he wants made me "plan" in a sense what he'd want.
Not to slam the mortuary businesses--they are in business to make money, just like any company. But they can hit you when you're most vulnerable and tender. I know my FIL's $20K funeral was ridiculous. He would have been so mad.
Preplan as much as you can. Then when the action is needed, you can be as calm as possible.
Twenty years ago when my husband ( 49 y.o.) passed away, I had purchased a burial policy for him. I think it had to be paid on for 2 years before the full amount was applicable. ( He had terminal cancer, so he had the policy for more than the required 2 years.) Of course, that policy cost much more monthly, and from grief, I way overdid the funeral for him because of having that policy ($ 30,000) and had not a clue of what things should cost.
My daughter works for a funeral home and said it should never have to cost more than around 6-7,000, for a full funeral. And yes there are many options to make it much less. If you decide on a burial and not cremation, I just recently was informed by a friend that you can buy caskets on-line for much cheaper than at a funeral home and have it directly sent to the funeral home. You can also buy a vault on-line.
I am not sure what the circumstances are that lead to your financially well-off brother unwilling to participate in the cost, but I would consider a funeral or ceremony or whatever you choose without him.
Remember a funeral, or lack of a funeral is all about those living. It is in honor of the deceased person, but it should be what is comfortable (financially and emotionally) for those surviving.
It was simple and very satisfying. Later we had a grave stone installed.
Cremation is best.
When my DH passed a couple of months back, I had him cremated, no embalming, and I got a Living Urn online with a Majestic Red Maple tree. Because the tree shouldn't be planted until Fall, I am planning to do this on his birthday, next month.
The cremation was $1300 and the Living Urn was another $159, including the tree. I am planning to put him and the tree in his garden area, he so loved to garden. Because he was a veteran, he received a free marker which I am allowed to place by his remains/tree.
We actually have a cemetery plot and headstone - but nothing says the body must be placed there and that would have cost a lot more money. This way, all I have to do is have his date of death put onto the headstone. At a later date, I can even have his veteran's marker placed at the cemetery if I so choose.
So: simple, low-key, meaningful. Better.
The county I live in changed their policy a number of years ago and say they will only pay for veterans to be buried, but no other indigent people. So, what does one do?
I apologize if I offend anyone, but I believe that throwing all that money into the ground is a waste. My sibling said "it's showing respect" to spend it - but I totally disagree. Respect is what they're supposed to show while the person is alive. Spending all that money on a funeral one cannot afford is salving their own conscience. I think that's what happened when my mother died. Some had refused to go see her in the past few years and they didn't seem to be concerned about how expenses were adding up...spending the money soothed their guilty conscience.
If you have signed up, dang; so I hope you haven't.
Now look. What happens to mortal remains is subject to local laws; and what happens to mortal remains when neither the deceased person nor her interested relations have the money for a funeral is also something for which there will be local procedures. Look up what applies in your area.
When you say your solvent brother can't help, does he mean he's not inclined to help with the policy you've already taken out? If that is what he means, I don't blame him - these policies are often very bad value for money. But if he means he doesn't intend to contribute to his mother's funeral, he may find that it isn't optional. Again, you need to do a little research into local laws.
And you know what won't happen? Your mother's remains will not be treated with anything less than proper respect, whoever's paying. Rest your mind.
Please clarify what kind of policy you're talking about and what you've committed yourself to so far. Maybe there are ways round that, too.
Her ashes are in a nice container in the living room..
An upside to my eventual death is that the facts for my obituary, selection of rental casket, flowers, cremation and so on are already fully accomplished and my kids won't have to worry about any of those details.
However, had we not had enough money to pay for the aforementioned services, we could and would have just had a direct cremation, and at some later time, gathered in a chapel for a memorial service, and gotten by for about $1000.
Grace + Peace,
Bob.