Hello, I discovered this forum today. My mom (62 years old) is taking care of my grandmother (89 years old). My grandmother has dementia, and I never had a relationship with her. She was an abuser, she mistreated my mom and her other children a lot, she didn't even feed them properly. My mom was on the verge of suicide when she was young because of her. Her being here in my house makes me very anxious and I feel like I can't deal with this. Even though it's not my direct responsibility, my mom suffers from her back. She can't move well and now that she is helping my grandmother, who is completely unsteady on her feet, I am the one helping her. I am 25 years old and to be honest I plan to move next year to another city where I can follow my dreams. My mother is this type of person who wants her kids to be home all the time and she is making me feel more and more that this is my responsibility too. I feel so selfish, but I need to say this: I don't want this. I just don't want it. But I care enough about my mom to go help her move my grandmother every time. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to tell her I want to go. I'm sure I'll be the bad daughter.
My question really is, is there a solution to help my mom take my grandmother to the bathroom and to get her out of the chair a little bit every time my mom needs to clean her or bathe her? Maybe some device? I want to help, but I need something so my mom can work with my grandmother alone without hurting herself. The nursing home is not an option, we don't have the resources. I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week.
Any sort of caregiving problems need to be and need to remain your mother's. She is free certainly to write us with her questions.
I am thrilled to hear that you plan a move, and that it is a move out of the area in which you live. I hope that it is some distance. I hope that you make it clear now to your mother and her mother that this is your plan, and you will not alter it. I think it would be very good if you start NOW not to engage more, but to pull back more.
Your mother wishes you to stay with her and help her. That is not good mothering. It is sadly the act of someone desperate and burdening her own child in a very unhealthy manner.
Continue to pursue your dreams. Your grandmother has had her life. She should be in care so that your mother, with her own mother in care and you grown, can have quality years some of the most FREE years of her life. If she does not take that chance then these years will be wasted. That's sadly the truth. But that is NOT your problem.
I would be gently and lovingly clear with your mother that you intend now to follow your dreams and live your life. I would make it clear you hope that she will as well.
I wish you nothing but the best. Do give your mom this site for caregiving questions she may have.
If grandma doesn't have money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid, and then she can get placed in the appropriate facility where she belongs as you nor your mom need to be caring for her at all.
Any child that was abused in any way from a parent should NEVER take on the care of that parent, and it breaks my heart how many times folks on this forum are doing just that. It's just wrong.
You are very young and deserve to have your life however you want it, and your mom deserves to have hers too, so get grandma on Medicaid and get her placed sooner than later.
My son and grandson lived in their own separate area of my mom's house when they needed a new place to live, partly because none of us wanted Mom to be alone, ever. We thought is was a good exchange of needs. Son and grandson did not do caregiving. I was her primary caregiver and I hired other caregivers to be there when I couldn't be. At one point my son decided he'd like to be her primary caregiver, with the help of other caregivers, so he was paid to do this job. He lasted 4 months and said it was too hard and got a different job. He was great at taking care of his grandma, but it was hard work and lonely work for him. That was absolutely fine with me, as it was not his place. I chose to take care of my mom and I'm glad I did, though it was very difficult. A huge difference between OP's mom and me is that there wasn't any abuse. We were not a perfect family, but actual abuse, never. And it seems from the question asked that the abuse continues with unreasonable demands and is actually passed on in a way to this young person by way of making them feel obligated to stay where they do not wish to stay. The question really not be how make it easier for the mom, but how to tell the mom that they are not doing this any longer. Period. And certainly not paying for the grandmother to be bathed. Grandma needs to go into care with medicaid money. This situation is what medicaid is for.
Here is a YouTube link showing the use of a Hoyer lift, but if you just google or look on YouTube with the words “Hoyer lift,” you’ll find a lot of info as well:
https://youtube.com/shorts/m8I9TaTzcZg?si=apySD8T0zDRdRiyC
Best of luck to you!
Id suggest, be loving and patient with your mom, but be firm and strong and break the cycle.
You deserve a life!
With that being said you sound like a loving caring daughter.
Mom should place her mom also so mom can have a life, I'm your moms age and she also deserves to have a life. I know my back would never handle the stress of lifting my mom over and over.
Thinking of you, please keep us updated on how things are going
Best of luck to you.
"I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week".
Your well meant actions are propping up a house of cards. Remove the money for aides, the aides stop, your Mother cannot do it alone = Grandmother gets cared for by others (NH).
Many people find themselves in this situation. You are young, can write well & explain what's going on so I have every faith you will turn this around so that your dreams are not suffocated by other people's choices.
PS change the term *selfish to *self-protective*.
Suggest to Mom that she gets grandma on Medicaid and in a facility asap .
Then move and live your life , no matter if grandma is still home or not . Don’t delay or wait too long to move . The sooner the better.
Hopefully the above article will have your Mom make other choices for your grandmother. Glad to see that you will be leaving. I always cringe whenever I read that a grandchild is caring for a grandparent. The grandparent had a chance to get married and raise a family and/or had a career, that chance should also be given to the grandchild.
You can expect a lot of terror and acting out, but she will adapt. That isn't your responsibility. One cannot be manipulated by the actions of others. You must continue to advocate for yourself.
Medicaid has evaluated our case twice since June and still only scoring a “4”. We can’t afford any facility without Medicaid and they apparently don’t greatly consider the caregiver’s inability to continue. I’ve literally told them that this is killing me and I still scored a “4”. 😭
I will keep praying for God to send me a saving solution
you aren’t obligated. It’s possible to get some home care help through Medicaid - an elder care lawyer could help your mom with that. You might also share this forum with her for her own sake.
Enjoy the next phase of your life. Follow your dreams. Go in peace - you’ve done more than can be fairly expected already.
You should not be paying for anything. Mom needs not to pay for her mom. You need a social worker and grandma needs to get on medicaid so that she can be in a facility that can help her. Moms back is not going to get any better and the only device that will help get grandma out of the bed is a lift. So my suggestion is this next time grandma falls and goes to the hospital DO NOT LET THEM TALK YOU INTO TAKING HER HOME. Tell them it is an unsafe place, you need a social worker and you need some sort of facility even if it is a group home. You are 25 and mom is hurting do not let grandma run your life - love her yes, care for her yes, but you need to stop and know that if you continue this way you will not be moving next year! Been there done that! Hugs
Having said that, I think that the OP's mother has been good, but she's now repeating past behaviours because she doesn't know how to be strong and stand on her own two feet. She thinks she is, but she's not.
She raised her daughter to be strong, so she will have to break the cycle and live her life on her own terms.
The real thing you should be worrying about is that your mother will almost certainly expect the same thing from you in a decade or two. Make it abundantly clear early on that that is not an option.
Move to that new city as soon as possible, preferably one far away. I hear Auckland is nice this time of year.
In any case, it is not your problem! You are right to move and follow your dreams.
You say your mother wants you to be home with her all the time. This could be a holdover from her own dysfunctional relationship with her mother. She is emotionally abusing you to keep your attention focused on her. Don't let this hold you back from living your own life on your terms! Mom will get over it.
Or if she doesn't, it will be her problem to figure out.
I understand you want to help her. Help her get out of this horribly dysfunctional situation by getting Grandma placed in a nursing home! ASAP!
You can probably help with the sometimes complicated application process for medicaid assistance. Then, let it go! And go live your life!
WTH is a score of 4 by medicaid?
I don't know what you are referring to, but it is time for you to STOP caring for your mother right now!
Just don't do it. Move, leave. Let her be on her own.
It is Not Your Responsibility to provide care to her!
Let me repeat that:
It Is Not Your Responsibility!
Let your mother figure out how to take care of her own needs. Without you!
She's a grown woman. If she has difficulty - which she probably will, that's ok.
Many of us have difficult situations in life. Like the one you find yourself in now.
But it is HER difficult situation, NOT YOURS!
Regardless, I am more concerned about you...Here is my perspective. I always knew my dad would have a long and draining illness before death. I just knew it and was right.. boy was I right on that one.. A controlling man, he fought us tooth and nail for 3 years.
I also always knew that I would never leave my mum to deal with this alone and so never moved back to my country of birth even though it is where I belong. I stayed because I love my mum and leaving her, to me was not an option. At 25, I made this choice to stay. Please, please hear this.. I WAS WRONG.
Something at 25 you cannot know fully until you live it... Living your life to keep others happy , regardless of how much you love them is a terrible mistake.
You must go and live your own life, follow your own dreams. Please.
Do whatever you can to prepare your mum but then when you have planned to go, go. There will be a lot of guilt but that is because you care not because you should feel guilty. Your life belongs to you alone. There is so much out there for you.. go find your joy.
And side note: doesn't sound like your mum should be doing this either...
Then, think about how you want to help. What tasks are hard for mom? How can you free up some of mom's time so she has "me time"? What kind of time (days and hours) can you give time to help with Gram, mom, or the home? WHat kinds of resources can you donate to this effort? Remember to make sure to take care of yourself and not give until you are impoverished.
Since Gram is having balance issues, ask mom to get her a referral to physical therapy (needs a prescription from the doctor). The therapist can evaluate Gram, do some therapy sessions to help you and mom learn exercises that help Gram's balance. The therapist can teach mom how to help Gram move from bed to chair to standing/walking. The therapist can also recommend devices that help and places to purchase those devices.
Most countries in Europe and North America, as well as Australia and New Zealand have welfare systems to help the very ill and elderly who don't have the means to pay for themselves. If you live in such a country, you should not be paying for your grandmother out of your own pocket. Even if the welfare care isn't as good as private, or it doesn't pay for home carers, still don't pay out of your own money!
Your mum is repeating abusive behaviour, not because she is mean and doesn't care, but because that's how she was brought up and what she is used to. It's all she knows.
So, she is being manipulative with you, which is grossly unfair.
Because her upbringing was far from perfect, she is trying to make everything perfect, despite that being unachievable.
Because she was not raised in a close and loving family, she wants to keep you close and her family together.
In doing so, she is behaving in a controlling manner and driving you away.
Your mum is falling far short of what she is striving for, and her mother continues to be horrible towards her (she will never get the acknowledgement she craves), which results in the screaming and shouting. Your mum is losing control. This will make her ill.
So, as a good daughter, you should stop propping up your mum in her attempt at playing "happy families". It's a futile attempt that will only result in unhappiness for her and her own family.
Grandmother needs to be placed in care immediately. Your mum needs to say that she can no longer cope due to her own ill health.
When you tell your mum (and dad) that you are leaving, you need to explain that you need your mum's support. You should tell her that being happy for you making your own way in life, now, will make your relationship stronger for the future.
If she makes you feel guilty, you will be less inclined to want to spend time with her, either in person or on the phone.
Personally, I would write out the best bits of advice on this forum and present it to her, afterwards, and ask her not to react until she's really thought about it. I would have said to ask your mum to read the answers here, but I'm not sure she's in the right place to accept that you asked a bunch of strangers for advice. She might be hurt, especially while she's feeling fragile.
Wishing you and your family the very best.
Before you go, help when you can - you can feel good about that. But don’t get dragged in or guilted into doing more than your personal goals will allow. You are 25. You are supposed to have dreams and goals. Making them come true requires you to find yourself and the way to do that is get out there in life.
As for moving your grandmother, if your grandmother cannot get up easily or walk, you might consider a Hoyer lift to move her from bed to chair and back. I bought an electric one on Facebook marketplace for under $1,000. The manual ones go for $100 to $200. I use it by myself to move my mother. Not sure your mother is up to that but it is a piece of equipment that helps move a person who can’t ambulate. A hospital bed makes it easier to move, change, and give bed baths to a person who can’t move well. I hope there are finances to help her with a part time aide. Just know - you didn’t sign up for that and she will need to seek avenues is assistance beyond what you can do.