Lately I have been losing my marbles with my mom. She doesn't want to get up and move her body. She will sit in her chair; say she has to use the bathroom but just sit there and end up using the bathroom. Then I have a major mess to clean afterwards. Her body works. But when it's time to eat you better believe she will get up to go to the table. She does not listen!
I have been with her 24/7 for 6 months now. We go through waves of doing better then going in reverse. I just want to scream. She is 76. I have had people tell me to keep her active. Like what exactly? We live in a small town. She doesn't want to do anything that requires having to walk. I make her make herself a sandwich or get her drinks so she will get up and move around. She has gotten fat. So I watch what she eats.
It's strange. I found her outside at midnight one night just sitting there.
I am constantly telling her what to do. It's like she does not think for herself.
We took her to Vegas with us for a wedding. She did so good. She would get up to use the bathroom she moved around but as soon as we got home, she peed all over my floors. Maybe she is depressed?
I've told her doctor. I'm so frustrated. I don't understand what we are going through! I don't understand her.
Her husband is in the nursing home, so she lives with us.
I beat myself up daily because she says I fuss at her all the time. I just want her to get up and move around. I do fuss at her 😔 I am so frustrated. My mom used to be this vibrant, talkative go 90 to nothing woman. Now she just sits all the time and wants to eat and watch tv. I miss her so much, the mom she was. I'm having the hardest time accepting this is what it is. Anyone else going through anything like this?
”Her husband is in the nursing home, so I need to consider residential care for her too”. (I fixed it for you).
Today is when you tell her plainly. If she is incontinent and going in her pants because she can't get up to use the toilet, you will not continue living in such a situation and will not help her anymore. Either she gets her act together or she can join her husband in the nursing home. Then do it if you have to.
I know this sounds harsh, but sometimes a good measure of tough love is exactly what a person needs. She also needs some socialization. What's available in your area? Is there a senior center? An adult day care center? If there is then she starts going two days a week as a condition for the two of you to stay together.
If you don't have these things, then get her a paid companion and insist that the companion take her out of the house twice a week. To a movie, out for lunch, to do some shopping. Anywhere but she has to leave the house. Force this on her. If you have to be mean and harsh about it, then do it because it's for her own good.
Believe me, you will see a big change in her when she gets past the refusal of your demands and will actually enjoy getting out and doing things.
You stop tolerating her abusive neediness and start playing that nursing home threat card every single day. If she wants to be stubborn and fight you on it, send her to respite care in a nursing home for a few days and that should do it.
Your story really resonates with me because my own mother is like yours. She has some health issues but is still capable. She is abusive and always has been and really hates me now. I remind her that I worked in elder care for 25 years so I know every trick, game, and behavior. I also know that no one ever benefits from being babied by another person be it their family or their caregiver.
Stop babying her right now. She gets up and uses the bathroom, or you stop being her caregiver.
One reason I could not care for my Mom was because her Dementia was so unpredictable. I need order. I was also 65 at the time. Eventually I was able to place her in an AL where she adapted well.
There is something called "Showtiming" when it comes with Dementia. They seem "normal" for like a doctor but they crash later. This is probably what happened to ur mother with the wedding.
Even in the early stages those suffering from Dementia have short-term memory loss, cannot be reasoned with, show no empathy and it takes longer to process what is being said.
If your Mom is not in pull ups she needs to be. You may want to take her to the bathroom every 2 hrs. Don't ask if she needs to go, just take her. If she says she needs to go you help her up and take her.
Dementia causes depression. In the early stage those suffering from it know something is wrong. Your Mom has been thru changes. Her husband is now in a NH and she is no longer in her own home. Those suffering from Dementia do not do well with change. It may even cause further decline. Some people on the forum call it a broken brain, I call it a dying brain. As it effects each part of the brain, that part eventually dies. IMO they become like small children.
Dementia is unpredictable. There are good days, there are bad. One day she can make that sandwich with no problem, the next she does know what a knife is. As time goes on you will need to do more and more for her. There will come a time when you can't leave her in the bathroom alone. You will be cleaning her up.
Its really hard to except that there are things Mom can't do anymore, that you can't get her to understand that you are trying to do what is best for her. Her brain just does not process correctly anymore. Its all over the place. If she is happy sitting in front of the TV, let her. If you can get her out of the house, take a walk around the block. If you can't deal with this, then place her in a nice AL or in the NH with her husband.
The OP's profile says she lives in Arizona. The wedding was in Las Vegas, Nevada and that is a different state. I don't think the OP and her mother were gone for an hour or two where here mother could showtime. They were likely gone for at least a day or two.
Yet, the mother managed to use a restroom when she needed to go. A toilet unfamiliar surroundings in a place totally foreign to her. The minute she gets home she pees on the floor. No, I'm sorry but that is deliberate and could be for any reason. She's depressed to be home. She wants attention, all kinds of reasons but it's unacceptable. I've had many clients and even my own mother who wouldn't use the regular flushing toilet. Not because they were incapable of handling it but because they'd rather go in their pants or the portable commode because it meant someone has to clean it up and they enjoyed having someone to clean it up.
I have on many occassions over the years given a person a towel and told them to clean it up because I refused to. It always resulted in the client using the bathroom after that.
If a person can get to the table just fine for meals and so just fine traveling, then they can get to a toilet.
If a person uses the toilet and is not peeing and crapping themselves when certain people are around, that's not incontinence and it should never be tolerated.
She can live for many more years. Are you going to continue being her fulltime caregiver?
You found her outside at midnight? So how can you get a good night's sleep? Sleep is very important. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
She needs to be in Memory Care. Do you have POA/HCPOA?
Is there a senior citizen group close by? Is there a library close by that needs a reader for children story time? Does the nursing home, where her husband is, have an activity time where she can join for the hour?
Prayers for you and yours
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