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My mom loves to push my buttons like no other. I know I should ignore her, but I am only human and I blew up at her and said things that I shouldn't have. I have apologized, but I am upset at myself for stooping to her level. Does anyone have any advise for me other than walk away or ignoring her, because if I did that, I would never see her or speak to her. I don't think that is the solution, but it's really difficult to be around her.

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Do you live with your mother?
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graciekelli Jun 2023
She lives with me.
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you have every right to stand up for yourself, regardless who it is.

staying silent, and keeping it all in, isn't good either: it'll very likely come out as bad health inside you at some point ---- gaining weight? unexpected illness? bad mood? sleeping badly? grumpy? frustrated? mad?

people might recommend you go scream somewhere else, outside. but it really doesn't solve the problem. the fact is, that justified anger is still boiling inside you somewhere, because then you didn't have a chance to direct it at the person who should receive it.

your mother will never change. she'll keep pushing your buttons.
the only solution, is to be less of a target. how? less contact.

as long as you continue with the same amount of contact as now, she'll keep trying to provoke you. with less contact, there are less opportunities for her to use you as a target.
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My mother is a problem as well, years ago I had to make a decision, I advised her that if she was not courteous and didn't speak to in a decent tone of voice that I would take my things and leave, and I did over & over again. I would also stay away for a week or so and not answer her calls, she would be good for awhile and then she would start all over.

So, 12+ years ago I just walked away and went no contact, it was her or me, I chose me, best decision that I ever made.

Sending support your way.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
This is where I have landed. I am hopeful I found a solution. I will know in a couple of days. My solution includes cutting all ties with her. I will not be her POA, I will not handle her medical issues, In the meantime, I will do my best to walk on eggshells in my own home and think of the end game. A new home for mom.
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If she insists on pushing your buttons she needs to live with the consequences. I see no problem in you losing your cool. At that point you should immediately get up and leave.
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Was what you said the truth? If so, maybe its time that Mom heard the truth and thats when it finally happens, when you have had enough. Time to tell Mom its not working and she needs to find a place.
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It’s okay to admit to mom, and to yourself that the living arrangement isn’t working and isn’t healthy for either of you. No one has failed, it just hasn’t worked. Mom would be better off living somewhere else and you’d be better off in your home as you envision it. Time to be honest and make it happen
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graciekelli Jun 2023
@Daughterof 1930, I admit all of this was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I spend all of my free time figuring out how to get her out of my home. I have told her to leave, I have told her I don't want her here, but she just stares at me with no response because she has no where else to go. So...I need to make this happen and where there is a will there is a way. I am so hopeful right now that I might have a successful solution. I may have found her a room to rent.
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Why shouldn’t it be the solution never to see her or speak to her?Everything else is probably going to cause pain and anguish on both sides. Is it really worth it?
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Why are you allowing someone who "loves to push your buttons" live in your home?

Put her in a facility.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2023
Yes.
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Gracie, you didn't come back to us to answer my question so I did a bit of research of your profile.

Clearly living with you is not working and needs now to change. Until that happens you will continue to feel guilty over "blowing up" at someone who has no capacity for change. She should not have been moved into the home. It is not working. Begin the process of placement now would be my advice. You will NOT change her, and in fact things are likely to get a good deal worse.

You do not want to end looking at yourself in the mirror and considering whether or not you are abusive.

I wish you the best. Don't require of yourself what your limitations cannot deliver. You didn't cause her problems. You cannot fix them. You have a right to your life.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
Hi Alvadeer, Sorry to make you do reasearch...I took a break and started to think out of the box and may have found a solution. You all are right. I screwed up and fell for her manipulation and let her come here. I now have to find a way to get her out. I think I have done it. Her resources are extremely limited and I will not be footing the bill. She wants to leave but can't afford to. I spend most of my spare time trying to find a way out of this. It is a nightmare.
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Why did mom move in with you?
and another question...
Why did you let mom move in with you?
Mom loves to push your buttons...that should have been a red flag as to how this would go.
When she starts you walk away. And I do mean as soon as she starts..walk away. You know when it is going to be one of those conversations so don't let it get that far.
Obviously since she is living with you you will see her and talk to her again.
It might also be a good, no make that a great time to start looking for AL for her.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
Hi Grandma1954, I allowed mom to come and live with me when she was desperate to come to my house after living with my brother and his wife --BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER. I didn't learn my lesson the first time she bounced over here, but I learned it this time for sure. My mother is toxic and narcassistic. I am working on finding her a home because I don't know how much more I can take. I have made up with her (being the bigger person). But now I need to keep my composure until I can successfully move her out.
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My mother allowed her mother who "pushed all her buttons" to come live with us when I was a baby. All that button pushing turned my mother into a nervous wreck and the 2 of them fought like dogs all day long, which turned me into a nervous wreck with a chronic stomach ache. I moved out the first chance I had, too, and always had a difficult relationship w my mother for the rest of her life as a result of my dysfunctional childhood. I vowed to NEVER ALLOW her to come live with me in her old age and she didn't. It was AL all the way, then memory care AL. Best decision I could have ever made. Oil and water don't mix. You're asking how to force them TO mix when they naturally separate.

The answer is......you move mom out of your house after you admit it was a mistake to allow her to move in in the first place. Cut your losses now before you wind up losing more of yourself and your life to a something unfixable.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
Great advise, Lealonni. I am working on that now. Say a prayer for me that I can make this plan work and she is out of my house in the next couple of weeks. Once out, she will not be permitted back that is for sure. I will not allow her to manipulate me.
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My SON pushes every button I own.

I let him know when he's gone too far and when he goes one step beyond what's OK, I walk out. I don't live with them, we just visit. And we stay in a hotel, so when this happens (and it usually does) I can leave.

If DH isn't with me, I call an Uber. Son knows what he has done and can choose to apologize and do better or deal with explaining to his kids why Nonny walked out of the house crying and is now back at the hotel.

I have to set really tight boundaries with him. He thinks it's beyond hilarious to get under my skin. I hate being teased. He knows it. He can choose to be fun and kind and loving--but often he chooses to be mean and biting. Yes, it may be all in jest, or fun, but I hate it and he needs to respect it.

I would NEVER live with someone who disrespected me all the time. You and mom? DO you WANT to mend the relationship? Because you can only fix you. If mom isn't willing to abide by common rules of kindness and decency, then she can find elsewhere to live.


My own mom also could push my buttons. I would simply say "Mom, that was uncalled for. I'm leaving and I will see you when you are feeling better". And I'd walk away for a few days or a few months.

They say we teach people how to treat us. That could be very true, IDK.
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JoAnn29 Jun 2023
Teasing when it goes over the line is not teasing anymore, When u say stop, the person should stop. For me when people don't know when to quit... I back off from them.
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Grace, who did she give her money to?

Look up Grey Rock as a technique for not interacting with someone who is a narcissistic. It's NOT just not talking to them.

You should also consider eviction as an option. If she is about to become homeless, that will open a myriad of social services driven options.

As Beatty likes to say, as long as YOU are the solution, there will be no other solution.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
@BarbBrooklyn, she liquidated all her assests including her home here in AZ and purchased a home in cash in California for my brother and his wife (allowing it to go into their names only.) Thank you for the reference on Grey Rock...looking forward to reading it.

I completely agree with your last statement. She has no other alternatives but me. So it's up to me to make this happen. I still have work to do...but I am now hopeful.
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I skimmed your previous posts. Yes, you were certainly taken advantage of.

You may have found her a room to rent? And her SS will be enough?

Do you have POA/HCPOA for her? Does she still make her own decisions? If she still does make her own decisions, what if she refuses to go to the rented room?

Did you ever consult an elder attorney? And are the legal proceedings against your brother and his wife still going on?
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graciekelli Jun 2023
Hi CTTN55, She's all for the room for rent for now. Of course, we will have to meet the Landlord face to face and see the room in person. But, if I can keep her excited...this just might be the answer to my prayers. Yes I have POA, since she got swindled by my brother. But she is capable of making her own decisions. Her SS will cover the rent + she'll have extra money - more than I give her to spend.

I will remove POA and cut all ties with any responsibility for her if I am successful.

As far a legal proceedings go...the scales of justice move slowly and the court dates keep getting pushed back. To complicate things, my brother took her to another state and therefore, we are at that state's legal process.

I have consulted with numerous elder attorneys as well as Medicaid Certified specialists and everything comes back as you need to wait for the penalty period. I then started trying to find a way to move her out. So far, this might be the answer.
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Why not put her on a plane to California so she can go live with your brother and his wife in the house that she paid for?It's a blessing that you've found her a room and she will have somewhere to go. Then you can finally wash your hands of the responsibility of her which should not have been on you to begin with.If you gave some of her verbal abuse back to her and she had it coming, don't apologize because you are not wrong.I think my mother is very similar to yours. She does the same thing or tries to with me. I don't tolerate it for a second. I don't play games and you shouldn't either. If you believe that by ignoring her you would never see or speak to her again, you should do that. If that's your what your relationship with her is then that's your truth and you should live it.Stop trying to please her and be her rescuer. Lay it all on the table that she takes the rented room and reigns in her nasty behavior towards you or you will end all contact with her and she will be totally on her own. Then let her get a taste of what you not being in her life is like.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
I'll keep you posted. I am so done. There have been days that I just leave the house and get in my car and drive around just so I don't have to see her or be with her. I'm emotionally exhausted. I am just waiting to here back from the Landlord and I get this ball rolling if it's the last thing I do. It's my personal obsession.
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If I recall correctly, Mother claimed Brother and SIL were physically abusing her, so Grace rescued her.

There is a court case against them. Mother apparently voluntarily liquidated her assets to buy them a house which she put in their name.
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graciekelli Jun 2023
That's right BarbBrooklyn. If you ever seen the movie Vacation with Chevy Chase, I dream of doing just that. Flying to California and dropping her off at the doorstep with a note on her - alive of course. However, I cannot do that as it is unsafe for her to be there and I cannot risk being in the same situation they are in.
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Mom has no choice. She takes the room. You move her things in and her too. You make sure she is all comfy and leave. Like taking a child to the first day of school.
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Gosh, I hate that crap. That's a bully...

I sort of read some of your posts so I know you are taking steps to divorce her. In the meantime, put a stupid look on your face and say nothing. Don't listen, just go along your business. If you feel yourself starting to get angry, put on that stupid face and just go do something else reasonable, even if you have to go play a game on your phone right in front of her. Let her escalate....don't lose your cool...just keep keep that stupid look on your face while you do something else that allows you to ignore her and her tantrum.

One option would be to look on the internet to find exercises that strengthen your facial muscles or eyes. You just want to find something that consumes you so much that you can block her out. Meditation works good also.

...and make sure she doesn't have access to anything she could make you mad. Just give her the "I could give a darn less about what you are trying to do" look on your face. When do you start paying attention again? oh maybe 15-30 minutes. It has to be sufficiently long enough so that they are uncomfortable when they are ignored.

Another option for responses, is to use "Love and Logic" techniques. I took the series of classes when my daughter was a teenager. It had great ideas for responses.
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