I have been the caregiver for my mother with dementia for 3 years now. Yesterday, for the first time, she didn't know me. It's hard. Advice?

Since we have a lot of newbies I want to bring it to their attention to please watch the dates on the questions. This one is over two months old. This is the only question this OP has posted and seems like they never returned because they never replied. I did the same thing when I was a newbie. It brings these posts back to the top then everyone starts responding and OP has left the forum.

In 2011, my mother forgot who I was after we went shopping and the security guard at the grocery store came over to see what all the commotion was about and then she was convinced after he saw my license and her license we’re the same person‘s name in our last name and address and that’s all it took. That she saw him recognize me and call me by my name. We didn’t have another problem like that for six months or a year

The difference is I was with my mother all the time caring for her 24 seven I had all the stock market buying and selling done by moving computers from my room into her room put in a refrigerator in her room stayed with her in her room most of the time so that she never had to call my name out and I wouldn’t be there

so there’s only two things you can do if you want that in one of them is you’ll need to be with her more and you have to talk to her about things that she remembers when you’re with her whatever that is since you’re the expert on all her history, and nobody else around her knows anything about her really you know what songs she likes to sing if you love your mother, you won’t care what other people think you’ll sing the old songs to make her happy and talk about her mom and dad and brothers and sisters if you have to just like they’re still alive to make her feel good

putting people in nursing homes and having strangers take care of them is not really normal and when you flip it upside down and say OK let’s see what happens if we take all our children all our toddlers and drop them off while we go to work and then will just stop and see them on the weekends and then wonder why they wouldn’t know us Connect!

Just calling it as I see it and I understand that not everybody in the family has prepared themselves to be able to be there for their parents like I was and you don’t get any help from Society about that either but your mother would live longer if she was around you all the time and you kept increasing your skill and you made her the focus and that just may be impossible for you to do. But the opinions against that are many and varied, as you will find in politics and religion, and it doesn’t matter if your name is Jesus people have their mind made up but for those who know me, and that I help on a regular basis, we understand that Alzheimer dementia is not a lifetime condition and can be turned around.

I will only tell you one clue. The problem is exacerbated by inflammation in the brain. OK? that is one thing that nobody can scientifically or medically deny to you is the truth that inflammation in the brain is a major if not the major factor implicated in Alzheimer regardless of all the other. Oh, but there’s tangles. Oh, but there’s yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

If you take care of the inflammation, your mothers brain stand a good chance of healing itself just like if somebody gets slugged in a boxing match, and they have a concussion that is a bruise on the brain, and the brain is healed by the body over time until the bruise is gone but with Alzheimer, the poor dear has so much going on in her brain.

all those things people will tell you are in the brain and that there’s no way to get rid of all of those things that attack her brain, they are there. and the resources applied by your mom’s body to heal those things has a limit just like you have a limit if I add 100 pounds on your back and say OK go about your day and do what you want to do and you say you’re crazy I can do about 1/10 of what I can do carrying around this big hundred pound dumbbell on my back: we’ll, your mother has a dumbbell on her back and that dumbbell is inflammation in the brain and if you love your mother, you’ll find out what can you give her that stops Inflammation in the brain.

I can put you in touch with a neurologist that understands exactly what I will explain to you. Best regards.

Ellen 12abc.

Welcome back.
Yes Ellen, that was the confusion over me also . Reconation of family members through me. So sad and heart feelings . I was her sister once a friend, mother ect.
I cried hard alot. Then I read in a book , be whom every she calls you . That keeps her happy , because when you keep saying I'm your daughter she not having it .
She doesn't remember her brain is stuck then suprise one day she remembers your name. What ever your face recognition she knows it's the name . Smile alot at her that might assist her .
Ellen no matter what she still your mother. Hang in there, she still conversing with you . Time will come when she sleeps alot and get speech is humble no language words. That's really hurts . Enjoy all the time you can . Time get photographs of you and her .together. ask nurse to take it for you. Small photographs book to make for you . Make mother a collage in a 8/11 photo frame for her to look it . Times she will know family .

Ellen life has given me names I couldn't believe. So only know name just a title you still have mother . Join what's my name today .
Brown Sugar......

It’s horrible when that dreaded day comes. Just allow yourself to grieve. Be with the people you love the most right now.

Getting love and support from your friends here. Get extra hugs from your loved ones at home and from your friends. Pray with others Just do the best you can and let the tears flow, then dry them and start a new day. ❤️

Ellen12abc: Prayers sent for this most difficult of times. It certainly IS hard for you and I'm very sorry that your mother suffers from dementia. Perhaps you can place a photograph of yourself next to her bed.

I do not think my Husband "knew" who I was. BUT he would give me a kiss when I would lean and and tell him I was "going to work" when I left him with a caregiver. I never once saw him turn to kiss a caregiver when they said good bye to him. Caregivers would tell me that he would make "excited noises" when he would hear the garage door open in the afternoon.
So while he may not have "known" me he knew I was safe, that I would care for him and that I would make sure that he was cared for. I suppose that is all one can hope for when you are being cared for by another person and completely dependent upon that person.

I think my mother mostly knew my name, but she obviously lost the relationship somewhere along the way. She was 16 in her mind and obviously too young to have a 60-year-old daughter, so I just became the friendly face who'd visit. (I always thought it was interesting that even though she didn't realize I was her daughter, she never asked why I would call her "Mom." I've also never heard of anyone else saying their LO questioning why a stranger would call them Mom or Dad.)

The one thing that did happen to me as I realized I was less family than friend was almost having to force myself to continue caring about my mother as a daughter would. As her personality slipped away, she just became a kind of an odd little woman I knew, and I found I had to start making a concerted effort to visit or care at the same level I did when she was the mother I'd known.

Eventually I got past that, but there was a time when I wondered if me showing up made any difference any longer. Deep down I knew it did, and that's why I kept going and I'm glad I did.

All I want to say right now is, I love you all! What a blessing to be in this group!

Get a photo of yourself and anyone else who takes the time to visit regularly and set up frames with your name(s) and relationship. Set the frames on her night table or dresser.

Have you ever read, "Tuesday with Morrie?" It was made into a film, too.

The person you knew is gone. Make friends with the new person even if it has to be done every visit. If she doesn’t know you introduce yourself and sit down to talk. Good luck.

This happened with my grandma. We always had a very close family and it was strange when she couldn’t remember her 3 daughters. She also seemed to forget what era she was in. She was raised on a farm in the wilderness at the turn of the last century. Once, when my mother and aunts were visiting, she asked “did you girls bring your horses today?”. Of course they had to laugh at that as my grandma would have if she’d been able to. It’s such a weird disease, but having had my husband die of a brain tumor, and my dad from vascular dementia, I know that the brain is part of the body. When it’s not functioning right, it wreaks havoc and the person who has the malfunction has no control whatsoever on what’s happening. It’s hard for their loved ones to accept, but we have to remember it’s how the disease progresses.

To echo the sentiments of many here, we’ve been in your shoes. Most of the time, my mom, with Alzheimer’s, knew who I was, but intermittently, there were days when she didn’t. The first time this happened, ironically, was the same day when Hubby’s mom didn’t recognize him. (My mom lived with us and Hubby’s mom lived in Assisted Living/Memory Care). Both his mom and mine knew that we were nice people, looking after their best interests. Ultimately, that was the most important thing. We’d interject our relationship(s) to them during many conversations, such as, “MOM, would you like some juice?” I’m not sure if it helped anyone, but it didn’t hurt.

It is difficult to hear that question from a LO. My husband with EO Alzheimer's had a reaction to a medication change and didn't know who I was for several days. He was 58 at the time and it was a gut punch. It hasn't gotten much easier as there are moments where it still happens (he is 59 and declining quickly), but I take comfort in the knowledge I am someone he loves. I focus on that emotion for a few moments and then let it go. I shift focus to another subject that brings joy. If I focus too long on what I am sad about, I just get more sad and life seems darker. It helps me to write down my joys and go through them from time to time.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you find comfort on this journey.

It’s a reality anyone with a Alzheimers family member will have to face. My father in law just stopped seeing his wife she lived another 10 years in a care facility. She died twice but my sister in law had her revived. I do not support her actions. I have had this discussion with my wife who has early onset. We both agree to allow nature to take its course. In the mean time I just try to make her happy even if she has clueless days.

And tomorrow she may "know" you again. And next Thursday she will forget again, but Monday she may again remember.
This, Dementia, is a rollercoaster of emotions, stresses, anxiety, hopefulness, hopelessness and everything in between.
You take the good days and be grateful for them
You take the bad days and remind yourself that tomorrow might be a good one.
On the good days you talk, hold hands and thank her for being a good mom.
On the bad days you keep your visit short and thank her for being a good mom.

My mom was a wonderful lady who was active in her career and community well into her mid-80's. After hip surgery, her condition began to change, and that is when I, her son, took on the roll as full-time caregiver. As part of our daily routine, I incorporated an exercise where I asked her to write down her DOB, SS Number, Address, and phone number. Then I had her sign her name. As time went on, there were days when it was difficult for her, but she always completed the exercise. Her Dr. thought it was good idea when I told him what I was doing. It became even more challenging as she began to have TIA episodes (mini-strokes).

I only recall one time when mom hesitated when I asked, "What is my name?" She looked closely, paused, and said, "Don." It was difficult to see a once vibrant woman slowly decline, but I am content with the fact she was able to remain at home until the day before she passed at age 93. As an Eagle Scout, I took an oath that begins with "On my honor, I will do my best..." While I sometimes question certain decisions I made, I can honestly look back and say, "I did my best." If you can say that, then you have succeeded as her caregiver.

It’s so very sad and difficult to navigate this stage. My husband and I moved in with my Mom and Dad to help my Mom care for my Dad with cancer. We knew as time progressed my Mom had dementia. I think my Dad noticed before I did. After my Dad passed I became my Mom’s caregiver, as well as working full time and have been doing this for over a year now, after my Dad passed away. My Mom doesn’t want to go into a nursing home so I’m just doing the best I can. For a few months now she goes through periods where she thinks I’m someone else, but then remembers me again. I don’t know when the day will come that she’ll forget completely but I am trying to put things in place to help her remember at least from time to time. Some things I have done that seem to help a little are we now have pictures hung of family and friends with their names, I leave notes around the house when I’m at work, calling her Mom and saying love your daughter. I’ve also created a few photo albums of family pictures with people’s names and who they are, for example she has one of my Dad and her to try to keep that memory going, we have an album of my wedding because my husband and I got married while caring for my Dad with cancer, so it’s a newer memory (easier to forget) and an album of me, her and my Dad. These gentle reminders help at times. I think the most important piece of advice I’ve heard from a woman who is a professional caregiver for people with memory loss is this- she said that though they may forget your name and what their relationship is to you, there is a part of them that still recognizes you. I think I can agree with this, my thought is. both of my Mom’s parents had Alzheimer’s as well, both were in nursing homes as the disease progressed, my Papa, who definitely wasn’t sure of exactly who we were, would always say, “I like you,” to me this is proof that somewhere in him, he knew there was a connection and with my Nana, she always gave hugs and smiled when she saw us. Now for my Mom, even when she is unsure of who I am, I get greeted at the door with a big hug and she says I’m so happy you’re home. Those moments I will hold with me forever.
As hard as it is, always remember you are doing the best you can to make sure your Mom is cared for. A part of her will always hold a spot for you, even if she can’t remember it or verbalize. The connection of family never goes away. You now hold all the memories for the both of you. Share stories, pictures, ask her about her childhood. These will be memories to carry you.
Sorry this was so long. I hope this helps some.

In the last months of my moms life, she was in hospice care at my sisters after a stroke. My sister came in and addressed her as “mom”. When she left, my mother said she didn’t know why that woman was calling her mom. But she said she was very kind and treated her well. She knew me, though. Very sad. Fortunately it was at the very end.

Well, you're in a tough place. You aren't handling her main care, what she eats or medicines. That's all done by the routine of the nursing home. Great care is an opinion. I appreciate the efforts of good nurses with big hearts. Doctors had the same great attitude the century before when they were blood letting to save lifes. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My mother forgot me who I was in a grocery store parking lot back in 2009 or 2010. The security had to come up to the car she was screaming so hard. The security guard realized once he saw my ID and her's, and then when she realized the guard was calling me Greg, she realized it was me. I immediately doubled down on figuring out how to reinforce her memories. I began learning Czech, her first language on the farm near Dallas growing up. I recorded us talking and singing and making up songs. We're both songwriters. I could reinforce her memory playing those back and she could hear it was me, and I knew the songs. I learned her favorite old songs, the polkas she loved, and would sing a polka coming down the hall to her room. On the physical side, I began intense study of brain pills, using my degrees in Psychology and understanding of how the many components we call "the" brain actually works. I got deeply into those, called nootropics, back 15 years ago. I took her out every day to socialize her at the BBQ restaurant, the chinese food restaurants, her church not mine, every week there, and every day out to eat good food somewhere. I joined the Lions Club around 2010 and I took her to every meeting I went to. I never went somewhere that she didn't go with me, and if she had to go somewhere, I went with her.

You see, in 2004 Dr. Calle, Gerontologist, gave her and 100 patients of his 5 years max to live, because they all reached a certain stage where it's like clockwork and they don't make it past five more years. He said there was no way to prevent it. I thanked him and we went home. In 2009 he called us in to say all the others were gone now. He wanted me to know it. Only mom was left. He said they stayed late to go through all the charts, weekends, holidays, pouring over everybody's charts from that group of 100 that died to find the difference. There was none, he said. So Dr. Calle began asking his patients from our area by his office, SE San Antonio, did they ever see a man and an elderly lady, the man ina wheelchair? Yes. So he would ask about us at the grocery, the restaurants, everywhere. Walmart. He said you answer all your mom's questions. Every time she asks them. No matter how many times she asks them, the same question, over and over. Yes sir, that's to lay down the answer physically in her grey matter. Physical memory. You let her drive the wheelchairs at HEB and Walmat. Yes sir, and she doesn't crash into things or people and drives courteousy at the intersections of the aisles. I know. You know? Yes. You give her all the meds I prescribed. Yes. But how do you know that? Every time you ran out on the weekend, it was the right time to run out. You didn't have any for Sunday and fearing a disaster, you always called the office on Friday or Thursday to ensure she had those. Oh, the pharmacy records showed you I always ran out on the right days. Exactly. All of those things that you did are why you mom is still aloive in 2009 when the others are all dead. Nobody else had a son like you, or a daughter or father or mother or anyone who stuck by them 24/7/365. You're it. And that's why I called you in, because I wanted to honor you for what you have accomplished. Mom went on to live another ten years, at which point APS deemed me a devil in disguise, due to my constant devotion. They never talked to Dr. Calle. They made their own minds up. They took my mother away with 6 cases at the same time: temp nursing home, Methodist Hos, a north side NH. My bro. lied and they gave him charge. He abandoned her and I never saw her the last 500 days. She died.

My mom did not know me at the end of her life but she loved me. She could not say my name but she knew that I cared and was watching after her. The knowledge of a name or how we are connected may fade, but in my case, the love remained. She still hugged me, she still smiled when I walked in the room, and she was sad when I left. That may not be the case for everyone but it was a small thing that gave me comfort, God bless you as you go through this journey.

I am so sorry…such a tough situation..No advise. Just God Bless you…

This might help you. Take it one hour at a time….

My Daddy Forgot My Name

My daddy forgot my name today
It seems so strange to say
This day became eventual
As daddy fades away

Letters on white paper
Not etched into his mind
Just a word, just a word
A word he could not find

Gone... but forgotten
Blurry time and space
Oh what's in a name, Dad?
See the smile here on my face?

We put our trust in God
One hour at a time
We cling onto Dad's spirit
As time erases his mind

Our love knows his heart
His heart, so strong and true
We remember his strength
And the things he used to do

We treasure every moment
We treasure every smile
From dawn to time for bed
Facing each and every trial

Outside a storm is brewing
The world is in a hurry
Unkind words and heartbreak
Stress and work and worry

In the arms of God, 
Where we are living still,
Peace returns, enters joy
Blessings are so REAL!

My Daddy forgot my name today
And, that's OK with me
Believing in what God has planned
Is all we will ever need

-Debi Huizar

Its gut wrenching. But take heart in that she will always know how you make her feel, even tho she may not be able to place you exactly.

One day mom and I were chatting about the ranch dad grew up on. His name was Don. She asked me how I knew Don. I said what? Don is my father! Her eyes grew wide. After a moment she asked does he know about you? Talk about a gut punch. Just when I relax and feel like things are not so bad, those moments pop up and show me exactly how demented moms brain is.

It’s really rough.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, the first time it happened with my mom.

I pray for help from God, every time I walk into my mother’s facility. For help to face each new grief without falling to my knees with sadness. For help to keep a smile on my face as my mother’s body is there in the room, but not her mind.

He gives the grace for each and every visit.

You’ve got lots of company, here on the forum. Big hugs!

Yes to what Funky said, she knows you are someone important, just not that you her daughter. I think my Mom thought I was her Mom.

I was with my Mom one day when we ran into someone we knew. The woman asked my Mom how her kids were. Mom indignantly said "I don't have any children!". Yep, I was standing right there. She had me at 21 so I knew then she had gone back to the years before me.

You must remember that even though she may occasionally not remember who exactly you are, she will always know that you are someone that comes to visit and that cares for and about her. And sometimes that has to be enough.