He was ok with his being here for the first year or so while my father could still drive and get around a bit (he is 95). For the last year, our marriage has dwindled to just about nothing. My husband is extremely resentful of everything I do for my dad, which entails preparing him meals three time a day, washing his clothes about twice a month and picking up his prescriptions from time to time. His mind is very good, hearing not so good, and walking terrible as he has arthritis in both knees (bone on bone). My father eats toast and coffee every day for breakfast and my husband prefers a large meat, egg and toast breakfast! I have offered him toast and coffee and he gets insulted and storms out! (I have just retired within the last 6 months and I really didn’t think I would be adding my husband to my care list, as he has always been self sufficient by going out to eat. Anyway. He is jealous of anything I do for my father and told me to get out and take my father with me! I am at wits end. Do I consult a lawyer or a counselor? Please help I am so emotionally abused!
I agree that the answer lies in knowing whether this is an escalation of a long standing problem or if this is something totally out of the norm since dad moved in.
She says quite clearly he was self-sufficient before and went out for breakfast. Now he expects his ham and eggs all of a sudden? Is this poster expected to cook breakfast for him now just because she's retired? Why is it suddenly her job to cook breakfast for him at all?
Cooking a full breakfast is not at all the same as dropping a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster and putting the coffee on.
This is a rule change that hubby seems to have decided on, whether the original poster likes it or not.
Let us know how it goes.
I really hope that between the lawyer and the counselor you can figure all this out. Please let me know, even by private message, how it works out for you. Hugs!
SueC's questions are good ones to ask yourself.
A few questions;
How was your marriage BEFORE your dad moved in?
Did hubby treat you the same way previously when he was mad as he is treating you now?
You say your marriage has "dwindled to nothing".
Do you think it can be resurrected or do you think there's "too much water under the bridge"?
What do you REALLY want to happen? (Dad to leave or hubby to leave.)
Are you open to talking to a counselor about this?
(I would ask for a female counselor around your age.)
How do you respond to your husband when he pitches a fit? (Quiet, screaming, crying, leave the room, etc.)
Are you scared of your husband?
Could your husband be feeling that you'd rather be with your dad than with him? (Hey, maybe your dad is a cool guy and hubs has turned out to be a dud.)
It's OK to not want the life you have. I didn't after being married 30 years! I just couldn't live with a severely depressed husband anymore. It really pulled me down and I felt like I was dying.
You can't continue to be the brunt of your husband's anger. You need to take some action soon. Call the therapist and lawyer this week.
Also the house is half yours by law. He has no right to demand you get out.
Definitely agree your husband is being a big man-baby. Even more, though, if you let him force this "choice" on you - him or your father - he will feel entitled to get his way over everything in the future. You'll be setting yourself up for a future of battles over your needs/wants versus his.
You say you retired recently, so it seems to me this isn't a situation where he's been the sole breadwinner and you've been the homemaker in return. Just because you're retired doesn't mean you suddenly have to take care of his needs. You put in your time, too! You're entitled to enjoy your retirement!
You might want to see a counselor AND a lawyer. The lawyer - just to find out what your rights and obligations are. Many lawyers will do an initial consultation for free.
In a quiet moment, in a non-confrontational way, ask your husband what to do. Tell him you are about to go over the edge and you desperately need his help to figure this out. Explain that you feel “dumping” Dad like an unwanted pet isn’t fair to Dad, but the way things are now isn’t fair to him (hubby) either. If Dad is still with it, talk to him as well. Stop taking the solution to this all upon yourself. As far as the big breakfasts, make a deal with hubby—breakfast on Tues, Thurs and Sunday. Coffee and toast the other days.
Good luck. Sending Hugs!
Is hubby afraid of the stove? Why can't he prepare breakfast for everyone, since you do the other meals. Or help you out with other chores to give you a break.
Yes, hubby wants you all to himself. My parents both lived into their mid-to-late 90's, so I was busy running them there and there, so that took up a lot of me time. Eventually I threw away my bucket list, because the stress had just ruined everything for me. I use to love to travel, but now no one can get me onto a plane. I use to love to drive, but now 5 miles is my limit before I panic. The list goes on and on. On how I wished my sig other would have helped more, he had a lot of excuses.... {sigh]
Talk therapy is an good idea. If you are on Medicare, try to find a talk therapist who take Medicare. I was lucky, the therapist I found was an older lady who had issues taking care of her elderly Mom, so she had been there, done that. Thus she really did know how I felt :)
Oh, would your Dad be interested in moving to Independent Living, depending if he can budget for that? My Dad said he wished he would have moved there years earlier. He loved his apartment, and really enjoyed being around people closer to his own age group. And he really enjoyed all the great meals.