I have noticed every time he calls she moves to another room or the bathroom to talk to him. Today for a strange reason it’s like someone told me to listen in.
I have been taking care of her since she had her lung cancer surgery. I went through hell with this surgery because she had internal bleeding and almost died.
I have done anything to make her feel comfortable.
Now that she feels a little better, she acts like nothing happened.
She has this habit of cooking lots of food and give it to others my brothers or..
I guess my brother was asking how she makes a dish. And immediately she told him I will shop for it and make it myself but “this one” (referring to me) complains about the smell.
Taking care of her throughout her different surgeries, breast cancer, colon cancer, hysterectomy and the last one lung cancer surgery and being referred to as THIS ONE it’s pretty hurtful to me.
By the way this dish is made with sheep’s feet and head and it’s disgusting. The smell is worst. And it needs to cook all night. My bedroom is upstairs and imagine having all that smell travel to the second floor.
She then continued saying who cares it’s not her house I will cook it. I don’t know what my brother told her but she said : And she thinks she is the one taking care of me.
When I heard that it was like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.
I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life.
She was talking to him as if I was her enemy.
I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. Don’t talk behind my back and pretend you are the caring parent.
Every time I have confronted her on this she manipulated the situation and at the end she will play the victim.
I am so close to walking out. I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.
I am so hurt by this.
You have been blinded by the pain but you aren’t crippled.
You many have stumbled a bit but you still have enough strength to rise up and walk away.
Don’t invest anymore into a broken relationship. It’s useless.
It’s emotionally and physically draining to continue to bang your head against their brick wall.
Begin to value yourself. You are free to make decisions that are best for you.
Grieve for the relationship that you longed for but never had.
Dare to dream. Don’t expect perfection. Life will never be perfect.
It’s impossible for everyone to like you. Stop caring what people think, whether it’s family or others.
Care most about what is right for you.
You cannot be your best if you are running on fumes. It’s time to refuel and carry on.
Me moving out is what I am going to do, but even though I have savings it is still hard to do and it’s scary. Specially doing it in a hurry. But I have to do it.
Fast forward to today...I am moving out. I tried...my sister thought they needed 24/7 care. They do not. When they do they will need to go to a facility.
I will live 10 min away. I will still cook dinner and transport to doctor visits, do grocery shopping...but then I will leave!!
Good luck!!
Congrats on getting out! Wishing you all the best. And hope the original poster is helped by seeing the same advice over and over....
I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.
I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)
So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.
I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.
Good luck and God bless.
I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.
I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)
So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.
I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.
Good luck and God bless.
Although mom had health issues, does she still require 24-7 care from you. If not, move out.
From another perspective, perhaps she sweet talks the other siblings to try and get them to pay more attention to her. It is often those who aren't actively involved that the parent will focus on as a means to have a reason for them to stop by. As in, pick up food that she cooks for them.
It seems to me that you expect mom to praise you for being there and in all actuality she may just be trying to get more of her children to be there as well.
Honestly, I don't give a rat's butt what she thinks or says. She's as sweet as she can be to my face, but I know what she really thinks. So, I will, of course, see that she is taken care of as she declines in health, etc., and if she only knew, it's a good thing it isn't left up to her son to do anything.
Oh, and BTW, you need to tell your brother to take over her care and get out while you can and live your own life. Don't put up with bullying.
Like your style!
I will need all the luck and prayers I can get. She is moping downstairs doing nothing just sitting and I am in my bedroom. The atmosphere is very heavy.
How does one handle this? Not speaking
Mom is now in memory care (accusing THEM of abuse now) and the people she complained to about me - mostly my siblings and their kids, a sister in law and a cousin - never go to see her or call her. I’m the one who takes her little gifts and homemade treats, pays her bills, does her holiday shopping, etc. I may never get the satisfaction of having her apologize, and my relationship with those relatives may never go back to what it was, but I am able to live with myself knowing I am not a liar or an abusive person. I didn’t sink to her level.
It's easier said than done - to not take it personally and detach when it comes to a parent.
i think it all depends on your family dynamic... I hear my mom talking about me sometimes to my brother and her (one remaining) friend. ☹️
But also, I know she’s frustrated and needs to vent. I have all my friends to unload on and she really only has a couple of people (at 87) and even in the best of situations people get frustrated with each other.
But when the s**t hits the fan she knows I’m the only one stepping up to take care of her. I just let her talk. Sometimes I have to follow up with people to tell my side of things. My friends and family know she’s old and a little out of it and the appreciate me and support me. So I’m super lucky.
I think it’s so very hard when we see people we looked up to change and become suspicious or unbalanced. I think it’s because they are scared and frustrated.
This is just my experience... I know I’m lucky mostly... There are so many of us caregivers dealing with way worse than my situation. God Bless You and hang in there ❤️
Your mother doesn’t have the ability to speak her mind cordially so she talks behind your back.
You speak your mind to her and she cannot handle it.
You can either learn to accept it, and keep your serenity, or she can make other arrangements. You won’t be able to change her.
Typically that type of personality, will slander and insult their children behind their backs.
Usually, that covertly slanderous behavior exists for decades b/4 the target understands what his/her mother has been doing.
No matter the level of care and/or attention that you bestow upon your "mother," she will continue saying bad things about you.
Your brother is awful for not telling you sooner, which means he has been a part of your mother's gossip about you, for your lifetime.
Unfortunately, your "mother,"will never admit nor change her behaviors.
It's NOT you, it's ALL on HER
Now you know.
Maybe for more understanding, think back on your life to all situations where you would enter a room and the entire room hated you often b/4 you knew anyone, which is 100% normal for those raised by psychologically abusive mothers
So sorry, you've experienced that covert deliberate abuse.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
What do you want for yourself?
My sister was the "good" person too and mother talked about me behind my back yet I was the one who helped her. Do what you have to to protect yourself and have a sane and peaceful existence. Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with this, You matter too
Take care of yourself (((((hugs)))))
Where she can never find me or contact me. I want to start living my life.
I really don’t want be near her. I leave the house in the morning and return at night so there is minimum contact.
Thank God that people like you and others here care. I have learned a lot and you all have helped me .
Thank you so much
Good luck
It is unbearable to be under the same roof with her.
She keeps wanting to talk and I ignore her and that really gets her angry.
Try not to confront her with anything especially if she has any dementia....it will only hurt her.
At some point when she is no longer around....you will be wishing to hear her voice say anything.....anything at all even if it is to refer to you as..."this one."
Don't walk out on her. You are definately not the bad person. You are the Good One.
Just keep going by whats in your heart and why you wanted to help her in the first place. You will never have another mother. You should be very proud of what you are doing. I am very proud of you.
Please read the other post before making a comment on what the OP should or should not do. Not all mothers are loving or kind nor do all mothers deserve the love & care from their kids!!!
Just my 2 cents!!!!
Did you just move without letting her know or did you tell her? I am afraid if I tell her she will try to sabotage or do something. Did you stay in the same town or city? I am thinking of moving to different state all together so I am away from all this. Every second feels like eternity staying here. I am on pins and needles. She was complaining about pain couple of days ago and today she is driving. All I want is to be away from here.
If you don’t mind how is your relationship with siblings now?
Wishing you peace and happiness as you move on.
Maybe this guy friend of your mom will help her out willingly and hopefully she will be nice about it.
Main question: When is the move out date? 👍🏼