I have noticed every time he calls she moves to another room or the bathroom to talk to him. Today for a strange reason it’s like someone told me to listen in.
I have been taking care of her since she had her lung cancer surgery. I went through hell with this surgery because she had internal bleeding and almost died.
I have done anything to make her feel comfortable.
Now that she feels a little better, she acts like nothing happened.
She has this habit of cooking lots of food and give it to others my brothers or..
I guess my brother was asking how she makes a dish. And immediately she told him I will shop for it and make it myself but “this one” (referring to me) complains about the smell.
Taking care of her throughout her different surgeries, breast cancer, colon cancer, hysterectomy and the last one lung cancer surgery and being referred to as THIS ONE it’s pretty hurtful to me.
By the way this dish is made with sheep’s feet and head and it’s disgusting. The smell is worst. And it needs to cook all night. My bedroom is upstairs and imagine having all that smell travel to the second floor.
She then continued saying who cares it’s not her house I will cook it. I don’t know what my brother told her but she said : And she thinks she is the one taking care of me.
When I heard that it was like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.
I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life.
She was talking to him as if I was her enemy.
I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. Don’t talk behind my back and pretend you are the caring parent.
Every time I have confronted her on this she manipulated the situation and at the end she will play the victim.
I am so close to walking out. I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.
I am so hurt by this.
hug!!
i hope things are improving.
you wrote:
”I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.”
——
it’s verrry common.
:(
especially mean mother talking badly about sweet daughter.
if you were a man, she wouldn’t treat you like this.
you’re a woman.
you’re younger.
she’s jealous.
——
mean people feel good when they make other people feel bad.
——
please protect yourself.
make yourself less available.
the abuse never stops. it gets worse.
the abuse will steal your time, energy, motivation…
it’s hard to lead a blossoming life, with mean people dragging you down.
hug!!!
If only these sites had been around years ago. Thank you though for reminding me there are a few of us out there. No one I meet understands - nor will the legal system should that come into play.
Hoping this question poster learns and leaves to save herself.
Have you decided to continue to be abused? Are you still going to quit your job at the end of the summer? (Please DO NOT do that!)
You CAN change the situation. Have you decided to start moving towards doing just that?
When you are walking out the door is when you should tell her.
I moved 450 miles from my toxic family and I can recommend it. Close enough to help, if I so choose, yet far enough to not get sucked into all their drama.
Merry Holidays and know that this will get better when you enforce your boundaries and move out.
You can do it!
My mother thinks food=love.
I too am an only child and unless one has walked this path with an NM, it's quite literally impossible to comprehend the load it truly is. Nobody to talk to; nobody to share the burden with; nobody to bounce ideas off of. It's unbearable really. I say that often. It's the 'nobody to commiserate with' most that I hate. But what I love most about this forum; that we get to share ourselves & our experiences with others who DO get it!
Wishing you a safe & Merry Christmas yourself, dear one.
Maybe this guy friend of your mom will help her out willingly and hopefully she will be nice about it.
Main question: When is the move out date? 👍🏼
If you don’t mind how is your relationship with siblings now?
Wishing you peace and happiness as you move on.
Did you just move without letting her know or did you tell her? I am afraid if I tell her she will try to sabotage or do something. Did you stay in the same town or city? I am thinking of moving to different state all together so I am away from all this. Every second feels like eternity staying here. I am on pins and needles. She was complaining about pain couple of days ago and today she is driving. All I want is to be away from here.
Try not to confront her with anything especially if she has any dementia....it will only hurt her.
At some point when she is no longer around....you will be wishing to hear her voice say anything.....anything at all even if it is to refer to you as..."this one."
Don't walk out on her. You are definately not the bad person. You are the Good One.
Just keep going by whats in your heart and why you wanted to help her in the first place. You will never have another mother. You should be very proud of what you are doing. I am very proud of you.
Please read the other post before making a comment on what the OP should or should not do. Not all mothers are loving or kind nor do all mothers deserve the love & care from their kids!!!
Just my 2 cents!!!!
Good luck
It is unbearable to be under the same roof with her.
She keeps wanting to talk and I ignore her and that really gets her angry.
What do you want for yourself?
My sister was the "good" person too and mother talked about me behind my back yet I was the one who helped her. Do what you have to to protect yourself and have a sane and peaceful existence. Nowhere is it written that you have to put up with this, You matter too
Take care of yourself (((((hugs)))))
Where she can never find me or contact me. I want to start living my life.
I really don’t want be near her. I leave the house in the morning and return at night so there is minimum contact.
Thank God that people like you and others here care. I have learned a lot and you all have helped me .
Thank you so much
Typically that type of personality, will slander and insult their children behind their backs.
Usually, that covertly slanderous behavior exists for decades b/4 the target understands what his/her mother has been doing.
No matter the level of care and/or attention that you bestow upon your "mother," she will continue saying bad things about you.
Your brother is awful for not telling you sooner, which means he has been a part of your mother's gossip about you, for your lifetime.
Unfortunately, your "mother,"will never admit nor change her behaviors.
It's NOT you, it's ALL on HER
Now you know.
Maybe for more understanding, think back on your life to all situations where you would enter a room and the entire room hated you often b/4 you knew anyone, which is 100% normal for those raised by psychologically abusive mothers
So sorry, you've experienced that covert deliberate abuse.
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Your mother doesn’t have the ability to speak her mind cordially so she talks behind your back.
You speak your mind to her and she cannot handle it.
You can either learn to accept it, and keep your serenity, or she can make other arrangements. You won’t be able to change her.
i think it all depends on your family dynamic... I hear my mom talking about me sometimes to my brother and her (one remaining) friend. ☹️
But also, I know she’s frustrated and needs to vent. I have all my friends to unload on and she really only has a couple of people (at 87) and even in the best of situations people get frustrated with each other.
But when the s**t hits the fan she knows I’m the only one stepping up to take care of her. I just let her talk. Sometimes I have to follow up with people to tell my side of things. My friends and family know she’s old and a little out of it and the appreciate me and support me. So I’m super lucky.
I think it’s so very hard when we see people we looked up to change and become suspicious or unbalanced. I think it’s because they are scared and frustrated.
This is just my experience... I know I’m lucky mostly... There are so many of us caregivers dealing with way worse than my situation. God Bless You and hang in there ❤️
Mom is now in memory care (accusing THEM of abuse now) and the people she complained to about me - mostly my siblings and their kids, a sister in law and a cousin - never go to see her or call her. I’m the one who takes her little gifts and homemade treats, pays her bills, does her holiday shopping, etc. I may never get the satisfaction of having her apologize, and my relationship with those relatives may never go back to what it was, but I am able to live with myself knowing I am not a liar or an abusive person. I didn’t sink to her level.
It's easier said than done - to not take it personally and detach when it comes to a parent.
I will need all the luck and prayers I can get. She is moping downstairs doing nothing just sitting and I am in my bedroom. The atmosphere is very heavy.
How does one handle this? Not speaking
Honestly, I don't give a rat's butt what she thinks or says. She's as sweet as she can be to my face, but I know what she really thinks. So, I will, of course, see that she is taken care of as she declines in health, etc., and if she only knew, it's a good thing it isn't left up to her son to do anything.
Oh, and BTW, you need to tell your brother to take over her care and get out while you can and live your own life. Don't put up with bullying.
Like your style!