My mother has lived with my sister out of state for about 5 years. Recently her health has taken a turn and she’s moving to assisted living. My sister is completely burnt out, but spends a month away every year while we cover for her. Sister is unhinged right now and even though I’ve offered all the help I can think of, it’s never accepted and she just is so angry. She thinks we’re absent siblings because we don’t live there. We have two separate trips planned to go there in the next 3 months, but we do have full time jobs in another state. She thinks we should quit our jobs and move to the state where she is. I’m honestly more concerned for my sister at this point, as she has clearly been harboring resentment and is not herself. Does anyone have any creative ideas for helping from out of state? I’ve offered to have groceries/meals delivered, pay for a skilled caregiver to give her a break, schedule appointments and drivers, keep a family Google doc of all of her info so everyone is on the same page, set up family conference calls… it all gets shot down. I’ve tried talking it out and it goes nowhere. I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open, but it’s hard when she doesn’t respond. I’m worried about her. Suggestions?
Support her in placing mom or move mom to your house.
Giving her solutions to keep doing everything with more breaks isn't being helpful.
Doing 11 months for years is wearing, she wants her life back, that is reasonable.
Agreed. We’ve tried for a couple of years to gently push assisted living, but she’s always resisted (my sister). She is finally going along with it, and honestly, for both of them, I think it will be so much better.
Maybe your sister is declining offers to be, and use this word with care, a martyr--would that sound like her at all? But, caregiving certainly can change a person, too.
A heart-felt letter, perhaps, to her that lets her know she's sacrificed, how much it's appreciated, and the only way you can help is by (filling in the blank), and to please let you help lighten her load in these small ways.
I say small b/c offering for meal delivery, for example, while expensive and convenient, is a blip on the screen of a caregiver's day.
When I lived in a different state going to school--long before my mother became ill--I was told that when my brother referenced me it was with a bitter "she's not here" kind of thing. Resentment. And with no one ill. Just a mother who could be difficult.
As someone already said, you've done what you can do.
I'll further add...and that's all you can do.
Do not think your and the ops situation is the same at all. For one thing, this op didn’t ride in on a rail, and second, they’re actually offering to pay for things. This op has already offered money for aides and shopping help. If this op got put on dads favorite store lists, they probably would welcome it as opposed to starting another thread here about how it’s so distressing that the caregiving bro would transgress your privacy.
I suspect your sister is feeling some displaced anger and grief, perhaps irrationally thinking that if you’d just all moved back, mom could have stayed home.
Not really. When it is time for al, it’s usually past time.
Someone in AL will typically require at least 300 in “optional” expenses, more if dentures or hearing aides are involved, but even if not, even incidentals like shampoo, tp, Kleenex, depends etc rapidly add up. You can offer to set up and fund an instacart that sis is in charge of, and perhaps even a 1 on 1 aide.
Even if your mom is at the appropriate level of care, it doesn’t mean your sister is getting the kind of help that allows her to walk away without worry or concern or follow up etc.
I am in your sisters position. I may be transferring a bit here but what I would like is to step completely away. I would be happy to send my DH aunt to someone else to care for her or to turn her care over to. She isn’t difficult. In fact caregivers enjoy her. I love her dearly but I am bone tired. I am not angry at anyone. Aunt has no children. When I am with her, I enjoy her. I feel happy to be with her. We read so much on this forum about difficult parents. Often caregivers give that as a reason they are burned out. But I am burned out with a pleasant LO and no shared siblings to be angry with. Perhaps it is the same with your sister.
You seem like a pleasant, well balanced person. I mean no disrespect. I only want to make a point based on the limited amount of information you have given us.
If your sister became unable to care for your mom tomorrow, what creative idea would you come up with? That is what your sister needs. No, you aren’t going to quit your jobs and move there but what would you do? Do that.
There are four of us that are able to help. My brother had my mother for a year before she became too difficult for he and his wife. He didn’t kick her out, but the sister that currently cares for her didn’t like it, so moved her in where she’s been living since. My other sister and I have both offered to put her in assisted living near us, but the sister currently caring for her doesn’t want to be that far from her. She did finally agree to letting me set up a zoom call with my siblings last night, so that’s positive. :)
Sometimes what’s offered feels like it’s really offered to the person being cared for, not the caregiver. Her world is probably collapsing now – so much less to do, what comes next? A gift to HER may be the simplest and best way to appreciate HER and what she’s done. Worth considering?
Your first sentence says that your Mother lived with your sister for five years, but that she has now, due to health problems, moved to ALF.
Then you go on to say how overwhelmed and angry sister is, and how you are doing all you can from your distance, but Sister remains angry?
Mom is GONE to ALF now?
IF Mom is gone from Sister's home, how is any of this relevant?
What am I missing?
I went through all the responses and your response to them below and I still cannot figure where the problem is if Mom is already placed in a facility in your Sister's area? If Sister has placed Mom and is STILL upset and overwhelmed it kind of indicates that this is her default setting....she is perhaps in the "habit" of having problems and complaining, perhaps having trouble moving on.
She is, I think you say, going on vacation for a month. That's great. The answer is not to NEVER MENTION Mom during that time. The answer is to REASSURE her WHEN and ONLY when she asks to be filled in, and reassure her before she leaves that you will keep close contact with the facility, and will let her know if there are any severe problems.
Five years is a long time to care for someone. We are a bit like those middle aged folks who have the children leave the nest. Not yet comfortable that they will be OK.
Best out to you. Not even certain I understand your question, but hope I got this right.
So, what I am saying is some people like being the Marter. The person who saves the day. Like my SIL, they have assumptions. You tried to help out, sister's thinking you would all move back is her problem. Her assumption. It would have been nice if my brothers had visited more often but I would not have expected them to move back home.
When Mom is in the AL sending things are so easy now. Depends was a big expense and I always looked for sales. You can get Mom new bed stuff. We took Mom down to a Twin so needed new stuff. Tell sister to give u a heads up when Mom needs something personal. Mom needs new clothes send them.
not sure there is anything you can do except give your sister time. Now that mom will be in AL, that will give your sister a break….however….there is still things for her to do when mom gets to AL. Can you get the furniture,
get everything she would need, pack etc while your sister is away…this will ease the burden. Then do not forget to still give your sister a break when mom is in AL, maybe from afar manage that.
best of luck
Yes, Sister may be heading to or already is burnt out.
Sister will need to face facts. In a nutshell: Being a lone caregiver only works for so long. She has been like a protective wolf - a LONE wolf - but she needs a wolf PACK.
Can she 'magic' a pack of sisters into reality to share the load? No.
Can she let go of some tasks, outsource, hire help, use delivery services? Yes. But she won't. What is stopping her?
This situation happens aLOT.
Reasons behind it vary. Some have people pleaser personalities or see it as their duty. Some won't ask for help due to pride, or have a wide perfectionist streak & won't tolerate other's different standards. Some actually lack trust from all non-family helpers.
It's a little like the process of sending your kids to school. That process of letting go a bit. Letting others outside the family (teachers, sport captains etc) have influence in their lives.
Sadly, sometimes it really does take a breakdown, their own physical or mental health crises to change their behaviour.
You can't do this for her.
What you CAN do is stay on message. Keep repeating it is time to rethink the plan. Make it work for Mom AND Sister. Add extra help. Moving to AL does not mean she *failed*. It just means she is ADDING a lot more help.
Do not quit your jobs and move to where your sister lives. If you want to help further, try suggestion counseling to your sister so that she can balance her life between caretaking and self-care. Sometimes self-care could mean giving up that caretaking role for good. Assisting living and nursing home care may be the best move for your loved one. There are trained aides and nurses around the clock that can help with their needs.
I don’t know that there’s anything you really can do. Because, sometimes, it’s a strategy or game, to get you to give up everything for your parents. It also doesn’t matter if your sister was as codependent, as she was a caregiver. My sister is wailing like a martyr. But, the probable truth is that it was easy for her to afford to live in that house — because she was dependent upon our mother’s SS check, which is now gone. So, you may need to read between the lines and think about what might’ve been going on behind the scenes.
If it creates a hardship, for you to quit your jobs and move and your sister and mother are not willing to move closer to you, you must consider the consequences, long after. Pretty sure this “come to the mountain” scenario plays out over and over. A parent and also a caregiving sibling, can sometimes take a great deal of pride, in making other siblings uproot their lives, lose their own homes, give up job security, healthcare, and retirement, to care for someone, who might pass away shortly. In this market, that can be permanently crippling. This is particularly so, if it’s a less successful sibling, who is looking to even life’s score and paint the picture that you’ve never done well.
Ultimately still, you may find that you could’ve never done the “right thing” and you need to prepare yourself for your sister to entitle herself to whatever your mother may have left behind, even if your mother only needed care, for a brief period of time. For me? That is part of the reason why I’m starting probate right now.
Good for you for getting out of that situation!
Good luck. Be strong.
You wouldn't get a polite answer, no, I'm afraid not.
I think all you can do is carry on with your existing plans and try to keep your head down. Let this pass, letting more immoderate demands and remarks wash over you.
Your sister won't feel okay until:
your mother is fine
the stress has abated
she's healed from the last few years, bearing in mind that many of the emotional injuries won't even have been noticed or understood so far
she has perspective
reality is different.
She may appear to blame and resent you. She may even actually blame and resent you - hint, by the way. Taking over for a month IS a big deal and a credit to you; but it isn't wise to say so (or appear to think so) to someone who handles the other eleven months of the year. - which isn't rational but isn't something she can help.
You're just going to have to hold tight and let things move forward. How are the ALF plans developing, is there a moving date yet?
As others have said, keep the lines of communication open, continue to listen, continue to be an available shoulder.
Also, what if you just took action on something helpful instead of asking for her to tell you what's needed? Something like arranging a meal delivery service or a family newsletter and saying, "I'm going to do X, is that ok with you?" Rather than "how can I help?"
Or even just send her a care package or flowers just for her, with a nice note?
I'm certain he means well but truthfully if you are a sole caregiver, especially when dementia is involved, you become a shell of a person and you need consistent RESPITE or you will go insane. Which I really sorta have. My siblings are living their best lives and I'm very resentful. I'm not a martyr. I have gone to great lengths to beg for help, to be very specific, etc. One sibling won't help ever. One sibling helps in his ways and that is appreciated, but I feel very unheard and alone, and yes resentful.
It's very likely that my brother feels he made a huge & generous offer to allow me a month-long getaway. That is so far from what I need, and I have expressed my needs. Just perspective from "that sibling"....
However to the original poster I WISH I had a family member offer anything for me. Someone who cares about my well being. Your sister probably has anxiety. Sometimes asking for “what can I do?” And really listening can help. I really feared hiring a caregiver and my siblings were against it because they would “steal everything” but the one we had was amazing and went above and beyond. My grandad had to go to MC and she still texts me weekly to see how he is.
Having your mother in AI will help, especially if your sister sees it as an opportunity to start rebuilding her life, if she chooses to do so. However, she may chose to remain "unhinged" and continue to refuse and support. That isn't your problem, it is hers.
Sometimes, you just gotta feel what you feel until you don't feel it anymore. Give her some time, she'll come around.
- but in my experience my siblings who are for the most part absent and my mother lives with me -they thought this was a gravy situation - because I am retired etc - older than them- caretake for a granddaughter so I am the chosen caretaker ?!
- I am also my mothers POA - and Executor and I do believe that plays into alot of caretaking situations unfairly with family members who then think oh okay your handling everything !
I am resentful at times because caretaking is much more than physically being there - decisions - planning - etc. your situation sounds like a communication breakdown and I know all about that too -
i recently have thought how sad to have all these negative feelings at this stage-
start the conversation with your sister - does she not want any assistance unless her terms ?
I kinda sorta get where your sister is.
When you are a caregiver you get the idea that you are the only one that can give the type of care that (fill in the blank) needs. It is difficult for a caregiver to ask for help and to accept the help that is offered.
Your sister is burnt out. That is a difficult thing to admit. In the back of your head you think if admitting that you are burnt out it means you do not love (fill in the blank).
If mom is moving to Assisted Living that will help your sister greatly BUT she has to allow the facility staff to do what they are supposed to do to help mom. Your sister can not continue to still do all that she has been doing.
From a financial point of view where is AL less expensive? Where your sister lives or where you live? Would it be advantageous for mom to move to an AL where you live?
Does the AL that mom is moving to have a "sister community" near where you are? Is it possible for mom to spend some time in the AL in one and take a "vacay" near the other? Some communities will allow this, others will not.
The other option would be to have mom move in to an AL that is near you on a permanent basis and you assume the role of "care manager / caregiver" for mom. If you do that you also must allow the staff to do what they are paid to do.
Getting back to your sister, there is not much you can do for her if she will not accept any of the offers of help that you have given her.
Don’t think for one minute putting a parent in assisted living or memory care relieves a family member of ongoing stress and ongoing care.
Finances, doctors and more doctors, bills, insurance issues, prescriptions, getting proper care in assisted living, monthly product needs, emergencies, and on and on I can go all need to be managed by the POA/ Health Surrogate. The consistent review of legal documents and keeping yourself out of financial liability creates a huge stress in itself.
The hard part for siblings is to understand the POA/Health Surrogate is the fiduciary to the parent and takes on a huge liability and is the person who makes the decisions no matter what family opinions are.
If your sister called you and told you I need this, this, and this done? Would you just do it or would you inflict all your opinions and put walls up so the work can never get done? A POA needs a worker not someone with a bunch of opinions or disagrees with what or how something should be done.
My two sisters made my life more miserable because they expected me to tell them what to do, and then when I told them what to do they wouldn’t do it. I got a long list of bull and opinions just to make a doctors appointment for my mom not to mention a laundry list from them of what I should do. Visiting mom in assisted living/memory care is their idea of helping. HA HA.
You will be the most help if you realize your not running the show or have the liability. Each day things can change and what was needed today is no longer needed no matter how hard you worked on a task.
I would like one of my sisters to take over the POA/ Health Surrogate so I can get back to my life. If you really really want to help take over the POA/Health Surrogate and let her live her life now.
Id tell her when she is ready to ask for help, and take it, you'll be ready to help.
Id love someone to send groceries to me, or have respite care. A normal person would take that help.
What does she expect you to do? Move in with her, where she can control you too? It still won't be good enough. I'd take a step backwards until she finally wants help. Part of her is freaking out mom has to go to assisted living and she can't control that. It sounds like she is a control freak and if she holds on tight enough, nothing will change in her mind.
Boing.
Okay. Might be me.
At any rate...
Could be that she was so much in-the-thick-of-it that only now she can take a breath and acknowledge her rage. Think of someone putting every molecule of thought and physical effort into holding up a monsterous leaning retaining wall and it suddenly disappears. That person can now take an emotional breath, to take stock on how matters and she was supported, to refocus on her own bad decisions, and the good (haha) intentions of others, and may need to explode. Give it time. It may heal.
You had very good ideas, and you're correct under normal circumstances to think that every good effort starts with discussions and planning, but this is not an workplace environment, this is family, were there any efforts? Forgive me but I can only go by what you said -"I've offered all the help I can think of". Think of, think of, think of.
Please what were the efforts? Did you need permission. I am currently the only caregiver of my husband. Twenty years ago, 4.5 hours and 2 states away from my parents, my sister was the primary caregiver/overseer of them. Once a month I'd take extended weekends and told her not to show up and take a break, no discussion. When my parents needed care for extended periods of time I took family leave, or sick leave, or vacation time. My sister had a P/T job, a husband and family to care for to boot.
Your sister is 100% to blame for not taking you up on your offers. I have been guilty of that. I'd sometimes think, "How can people not see the obvious? How can people (family) not imagine themselves in my place and just do?" Equally I also wondered why I couldn't say, "I'm fricking drowning here to people or myself".