2 years ago after my mom’s hip fracture Brother got raving mad at me cause I set up a meeting with an elder care lawyer with mom (at mom’s request). He told me she didn’t need a lawyer! That he could handle everything with her checking account! He and his wife manage her finances cause he is joint owner on all bank accounts, CD’s, savings bonds and cash in the safety deposit box. So I don’t think he was designated POA at all.
Now mom is acutely ill, in my care in my home and we have to choose assisted living. She’s not willing to check herself in. How do we do this without POA? Worse yet what to do if there’s a medical crisis and she’s incapacitated?
I’m starting to worry that I’m going to have to assume sole care for my mother long term and I’m not in a financial position to do so. And suspicious as to why he is so secretive about this. I don’t even know if Mom has an Advance Directive and I’m the one taking her to hospitals.
Advice/thoughts!
T.
And that you are currently providing 24/7 supervision.
Also add that if mother becomes acutely ill, that without POA input, mother will be forced to become a ward of the State; that will mean a guardian appointed and paid for out of mother's funds, all decisions about her care made by strangers AND paid for our of her funds until those are depleted. THEN she goes onto Medicaid and the non-related guardian will have the ability to move your mother ANYWHERE in the State that there is an open Medicaid bed, without reference to where family lives.
You are just checking in with brother, in a friendly way, to make sure that he understands that these are the facts on the ground.
Is your mother still competent to re-assign POA? Or visit an eldercare attorney?
I agree with everything that BarbBrooklyn wrote. Documentation is the best way to protect your mother's interests as well as yourself.
Taking on responsibility for your mother without having the written authority to do so is a recipe for disaster.
It sounds like your mother is able but not willing to ruffle feathers between you and your brother by making assisted living choices for herself; however, she is now in your home and you are taking care of her. You must protect her, yourself, and your family from your brother whose "bluster" will not help get the actual work of caregiving for your mother done.
Call upon that elder attorney again and make an appointment. You actually never said whether or not you followed through on meeting with that attorney or if you were bullied into canceling it by your blustering brother.
5 days ago I sent brother a friendly email updating him about endocrinologist and ER visit and inquired about the POA’s - “do you in fact have these documents”? Cause social worker asked if she has Advance Directive and she doesn’t even know. I told Tim how sick she is. He never responded. And he hasn’t called my mother either to even check on her. So I’ve contacted the elder care lawyer and told her I want to hire her.
Mom doesn’t want to go to assisted living. He’s been bullying her about it - she told the social worker he yells at her. It’s like he’s trying to force HER to make the decision so that tells me he has no real authority and it’s all bluster. She does however trust him with her money and he is joint owner of all her assets. She is NEVER going to willingly go to assisted living.
I’ve been through so much counseling due to the deaths of my husband and son and the way brother has treated me has hurt so bad emotionally. My therapist counseled that he is toxic to me and I should go no contact. That works until mom has a crisis. So here we are ...
Yes, I think mom is competent to sign POA’s but I don’t want no part of her finances - I would rather have a conservator. I can do the HCPOA as long as I can get her into a facility.