My mother in law refuses to vacate our premises so my family can come visit me for 2 to 3 weeks. We live in a 3/2. My Mother-in-law lives in the second bedroom, the third is a 10X10, used as an office. In 6 years, my family has never visited me. My husband feels that my family can sleep on the floor, in the office. Two parents and 2 children. The office is entirely furnished, with not much space to navigate the movement of 2 adults and 2 children. I disagree that they should sleep on the floor, sharing the bathroom with his mother. I feel his mother should go visit her other son who lives in Utah. We live in Santa Fe, NM. Inviting her to come live with us when her husband died, was the worst mistake I've made, possibly in my life. Now I can't get rid of her. She talks about my house as if it belongs to her. "No, I'm not leaving" she says. My husband is absolutely against having his mother going anywhere else for the duration of my family's visit. If it was up to me, she would go live in a nursing home, for good. This entire situation is eating me alive, as she is a constant reminder that my house is where she lives, and there is no way for me to get rid of her. Please help me with advice or ideas. How can I legally get rid of her, so she can go live somewhere else. This is legally my house. I put half the down payment on the house, I've been married to this man for more than 25 years. Neither my husband nor his mother will give an inch to come to an agreement. She had the audacity to suggest that I should rent a room from one of our neighbors. The longer she stays in my house, the greater my animosity and dislike for her. I have told her numerous times, I don't want her in my house. I can't be more clear than that. I will not stop pounding on this, until she leaves, or I die. The reality is, we can't be in the same house, knowing that this is my house and she is very much an invader. Once you are told to -leave, you become an invador if you fail to do so. My mental health is being greatly affected by her continuous presence in my home. Please help. I will not change my mind about her leaving. She must absolutely vacate that bedroom for three weeks. That is not negotiable.
You own the home jointly, correct? Then it's as much his as yours.
Yes, inviting her to live with you was an error.
Have you sought therapy to deal with this issues?
See a marriage counselor who may be able to talk you through this. You'll both have to be on the same page about asking MIL to move out for 3 weeks AND to move out permanently. It's not your decision 100% OR his decision 100%. It's a decision you arrive at together, as a team.
If not, sell the house and take your half of the proceeds, or have hubby buy you out, and he and mommy can live together happily ever after while you start a new life.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
If your husband does not come around and he continues to put his mother first and allows her to live in your home ( which is making you miserable ) , go to a divorce lawyer , maybe he/she can help you kick them both out of your house .
So sorry. Good luck.
However it is OK to put MIL up in a hotel for the time you need the extra room. You have a half share in the marriage and in the house, don’t you? Leave the ‘get her out completely’ for another time and another argument.
Either she goes or he does and he can take mom with him.
Talk to a divorce lawyer for a free consultation.
How old is your MIL? Does she have any cognitive/memory or health issues?
Sounds like you already have your mind made up. Good luck with the counselling sessions.
You may have options short of divorce (like not doing any care), that we could suggest if you can give us more information.
In the short term, it may not be a good idea to link your overall issues with your own family’s visit and MIL vacating the room for them. You may see it as non-negotiable, but you probably can't enforce it. And do you really want to drop your own family into this particular drama - which means they may not enjoy the trip at all! You may do better concentrating on the bigger problem – MIL and your husband.
I bet that would wake him up enough to at least get mom out for this visit, during which you also talk to dh about how this is going to be permanent.
That is a marriage problem more than a MIL problem, since the disagreement is with your husband. You need to resolve it between the two of you. It is time for counseling. If you can’t agree, file for divorce and sell the house or ask him to buy you out.
All due respect - your MIL and DH are the couple here - making decisions independent from you.
That being said - for right now-that is your MIL's home. We share a home with my mom, DH, myself, and our two college aged daughters. At this time my mom is caregiving for my grandmother. And one daughter is away at college (the other attends locally and commutes). When mom and oDD are not home - we allow visitors to use their rooms (with their permission). But if both of them were home - we wouldn't have overnight visitors (unless they were willing to sleep on the couch or blow up bed (aka one of my girls' friends for a sleepover situation) or mom had a friend that was willing to share her room. This is their home and they take precedence over visitors. I'm not booting them out of their rooms.
You have animosity for your MIL. I get that, I really do. I barely tolerated my FIL at best. And I understand why you feel strongly about having your family visit in your home. But the reality is that she does live there. You don't kick people out of their home for someone else to visit.
Why can't your family rent a hotel space (or an AirBnB) and that way you go to them and don't have to deal with your MIL for that timeframe. Win/Win.
You say they are not visitors coming to visit - they are your family. While technically true - do you expect them to cook, clean, do chores? If not - that makes them guests/visitors.
But the reality is that your issue is not your family visiting. You and your DH don't seem to communicate very well. And that's dangerous. At some point your MIL may need outside care. And that's very hard for someone as enmeshed as your DH and MIL. They won't go gently (go read Midkid's nearly 2,000 response post in Discussions - it will open your eyes about situations like this).
You say you want your MIL to vacate (her home) for 2-3 weeks while your family visits. That's not what you want. You want her to leave. Your DH categorically refuses to even discuss it. You have a DH problem as much as you do a MIL problem. That is not just YOUR house. It is also your DH's house - and she feels welcome in his home - she doesn't care if you want her there.
Until you get your DH on side, this is not going to change. And you say it's not negotiable. The reality - it's not negotiable from either side.
You and your DH at in a standoff.
And that's the biggest problem you have right now. Unless you are on the same page - you have a big problem.
Leave your husband to care for his mom.
You do not mention in your profile why MIL is living with you and you do not indicate that she has any medical problems..
While you are away give serious thought to counseling if you want to stay in your marriage. If your husband has this little respect for you and your feelings it might be worth a talk with an attorney.
Honestly you really can't ask a "resident" of your household to "vacate" for 3 weeks. She is a resident legally. I think to get her to leave you would have to legally evict her.
Or the other option would be to place her in a hotel for 3 weeks. And if you are going to do that why don't you go to a hotel for 3 weeks.
If I were going to visit someone I do not think I would feel comfortable accepting the invitation knowing that by my being there someone else was forced out of their room.
Is your husband against the visit or just against his mom being asked to leave?
While you mention that all of you are healthy this amount of stress is not good. Perhaps you should see your doctor and see if your blood pressure is normal. You might benefit from a calming med or something for anxiety.
Start over and calm yourself down. This is very important to you but it seems like you have allowed your issues with your DH and MIL to get balled up with the visit.
You need to get your personal life straight before having guests, especially for such a long visit. How long has the MIL lived with you? these are important years for all of you. These issues need to be worked out sooner rather than later. One fall, a stroke or broken hip and then what? Not a healthy environment to live in. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time.
I made the above link for you. AirBnB in Santa Fe. ◡̈
Let's change the scenario. Say you live with your new husband and your 19 year old child. His family wants to visit for three weeks and suggests your kid find other accommodations for 3 weeks. Would you find that reasonable?
Yes it was a mistake to have her move in.
it doesn't feel / seem right to boot out your mother in law from her home.
This is her home, too.
or if you feel this strongly about your mil, perhaps she needs to move out permanently. Discuss with your husband after you are clear on your own feelings / needs. This certainly 'feels' like a much deeper issue than asking / wanting her to leave for two weeks. it sounds like built up resentment / frustration. understandable or not (from the outside looking in) - you need to deal with it HONESTY... how you feel.
Gena / Touch Matters
It doesn't seem right that a perfectly capable adult with permanent income should have to sponge off of their adult children in a home when their DIL or SIL do not want them there.
You have made your own home the home of your MIL.
This is her home, too now.
As to your relatives visiting, I think you should find a way to share costs of a lovely motel nearby.
Just my own opinion.
There's a price to be paid for every choice we make. You made this MIL's home. You don't get to kick her out because it's your home as well.
As to your Husband putting his MIL ahead of YOU and your wishes to not live with her?
That's a marital problem that is much bigger than this whole visiting family thing.
Get counseling. Consider your options and choose what's best for you. Only you can decide for you. For me, I would have been gone the day she moved in.
I wish you good luck.
I would not want my family visiting with this cloud over my house. I would look for a nice rental and all spend time together there. Just tell ur family other arrangements could not have been made for MIL to spend time with son.
It's not who pays the Mortgage on a house who is the owner, its who is on the deed. Yours and Husbands name need to both be on the deed. If you are not, your husband owns the house. All you have in it is the downpayment and money you may have paid towards the mortgage.
Seems husband and MIL are a team. For now, I would just except what u want is not going to happen. Get that rental and have a great time with ur family. Then you and DH need to talk. Time for MIL to find her own place. If he refuses, then u see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Me, I may just divorce him because you don't seem to be #1. I would rather be alone than live with a MIL I could not stand and a husband that does not stand beside me. In the divorce you should get at least half the house even if not in the deed. You can force a sale if DH can't buy u out. I think this is the straw that broke the camels back. You have some big decisions to make but save that for after your families visit. Do not say anything about a divorce till you know where u stand. Get your ducks in a row.
Give up your bedroom to your family for 3 weeks and have you and DH sleep in the office.
After the family leaves consider why you want to continue having a marriage with your husband who only seems to care about his mother and not you.
1) If she is well enough and can manage on her own, you tell her plainly that either she vacates your home for two weeks by going to her son in Utah or a hotel. If she refuses then make your language plain and tell her you will have a sheriff serve her with eviction papers and you will throw her things out on the curb if she's not out by the eviction date.
2) If she has health problems and dementia then she gets placed in a nursing home for a two-week respite stay that is covered by Medicare. If there's an active POA in place now, she can be placed whether she agrees to it or not. Then I'd leave her there if I were you.
3) If your husband is admant about keeping her with him and not moving her elsewhere, then tell him you're going to stay with your family and he will soon be hearing from a divorce lawyer.
It's time for him to choose his wife and kids or his mommy.
When it comes to MILs cognitive state, your husband may be protecting her. Its not her fault she has a mental illness but she could be on meds for it. I think out of my MILs 3 sons, my DH handled her the best. She was passive aggressive. With a problem of lying. A good work up would be a good idea. Like said, slip a note to the doctor describing her mental illness.
If she wants to go visit her son in Utah, then great. You can’t offer her room to others while she is gone though.
YOUR family needs to stay in a hotel. As an adult, I am NEVER sleeping on a floor. That’s just silly.
Again, YOU allowed your home to be her home for 5 years. Now your home is HER LEGAL RESIDENCE.
Like others have said, you have a marriage problem.
This isn’t reality. This is magical thinking on your part. Make an appt with a divorce lawyer for a consultation (usually free) and see what the atty says about how to get out of your half with your dignity intact.
I absolutely agree, Southernwaver, with your saying "This is magical thinking on your part. Make an apt with a divorce lawyer for a consultation and see what the atty says about how to get out your half with your dignity intact". Time to move on. The hubby has made his choice and it is his mama.