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You need to give yourself time. Grief is not the same for everyone and it takes time to process. Especially this time of year when there are so many distractions.
Please talk to your religious leader, Hospice organization or a therapist about grief counseling. You may mind it hits you like a ton of bricks, or perhaps sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
My father was not a nice man to me as I was growing up. I have three siblings born after me, but I got the brunt of the abuse. I took care of him though to his very last breath. I have received help for the abuse and PTSD caused by it and and have dealt with it. It was strange that I just stepped in(because the siblings didn't). I made sure he was getting taken care of at the facility he was in. After he passed, I didn't sob loudly like my siblings did. I cried a little. I am not being cruel when I say I don't miss him. He added no value to my life, was never supportive, but I did the next right thing taking care of him. I kept waiting to grieve and cry like everyone else did, but it never happened. This has been since 2014. What is it that you feel empty inside? that she is gone? or that you don't have that responsibility that fulfilled you? That may be how your relationship was with her. Just that. and it's a relationship, nonetheless. The emptiness may be that you need time to see what the next chapter in your life will be. It can't happen overnight. Just do what you need to do and get things in order and I bet your emptiness will be filled with other people, places, and things. Give it time. It's only been two weeks. Take time for yourself.
Thank you. I have one sister, but she is not local so most of care fell to me. Was easier anyway, as my mother and sister never really got along. I am sorry you had to deal with so much from your father. It says a lot about you, that you stepped in to make sure he was well cared for.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly a difficult process, I know. God brought me through the grief of my Dad. I couldn't have gotten through it without HIM. I hope and pray you look to HIM for your comfort. 🤗🙏
Thank you. Just seems odd to me. When my father passed away in 1980, I was devastated. I guess I believe I should feel the same way about mom. Appreciate your kindness.
Eat, rest, take long baths, repeat. Your grief timeline will be unique and right for you. Just give yourself care- or if you know someone, pay for someone to care for you for a bit. Someone can clean once or twice a week, cook meals for you, etc. This will give you time to be numb a bit. Write your thoughts, when you can. Nice way to check in on you, for you. Let us know how you're doing.
Thank you. Hadn’t really thought of having someone deal with the daily chores. Will definitely see about having someone clean - both my house and my mother’s.
I gave myself time, then realized that it wasn't enough, so I backed off on everything that had to be done except the basics. Part of the grief arose from dealing with post-death issues; for several months it was hard just going to my father's house to begin asset disposition. With contractors, it wasn't as bad b/c then it was a project and we worked together. But alone...that was just too much.
I think there are also a lot of "what ifs" and "should I have?" in terms of how we handle the last months and years of our involvement in someone's life. I set higher standards for myself after my father's death, so there was a need to balance when was done vs. what could have done, and stop the self recrimination.
Don't set time limits, don't set tasks other than absolutely mandatory ones, and create plenty of time to review, remember, and then remember in positive terms by segueing back over the years to better times.
Now I try to remember all the things I learned from him, as well as from my mother and sister, and how my life has been enriched through them. Then I think how I want to apply those benefits to the rest of my life and share them with others.
Thank you. Realized while reading this that due to time of year, I’ve been pushing hard to get everything done ... funeral, estate, Christmas. In other words, I’ve kept myself super busy and not allowed myself time to just be. Appreciate your response.
Thank you. Am lucky to have both a wonderful church family and a great therapist. Just having a hard time explaining that I feel nothing around her death (she was 90 and ready to go). Have been really busy between her death and the holidays and am worried it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect it.
Thank you. I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and a great therapist. Am just having trouble figuring out how to explain that I really don’t feel anything. When my father died, I was devastated - but I was young 18 and I adored him. And, if I was honest, I would have to say that I liked him more. Appreciate your kindness .... think I’ve kept myself so busy so I won’t feel guilty and to keep the ‘I should have’ at bay. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you. I believe I have used the busyness to avoid processing. When my father passed away in 1980, I was devastated and I think I am worried I won’t feel the same about my mother. And I’m also worried it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect it. I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and great therapist - just haven’t found a way to talk to anyone about this. Thank you for your kindness.
Monica25 I am really sorry for your Loss. Do not worry about the grieving as this will come in its own time. We all cope differently. After caring for your Mother for fifteen years and to now find Her gone can put your entire system into shock as this is a very big change for you now and you need to take it slow and take plenty rest, long hot baths and if the door bell rings and you are not feeling up to it ignore the darn thing. If you are a Lady of Prayer and Church what ever denomination this will be of great help to You. I respect all Religions, and when I lost my Dear Mother 3 1/2 years ago it was Prayer and morning Mass, as well as joining the Legion of Mary in Our Parish that got me through to void and the emptiness and that dreadful loss. Suddenly I was back out there engaging with really good kind decent People again, and soon afterwards I returned back to work after being away for four years while I had been caring for Mom. I took things slow Monica and you will get there too, but take Baby steps, a little more each day. Do not be afraid to cry in Public or privately. I must have filled several barrels with tears. God Bless and be kind to Yourself and rest assured You will get through this.
My mom passed on 12/15/19. I looked after her for 6 years and provided the best care that I could including the angels of Hospice who were there when she passed. She wanted to die and had wanted to for 20 yrs. Unfortunately she was not into the grandkids, not into my life as I thought a mother should, and was narcissistic to no end.
I was out of town when she passed. I had pre-arranged all the arrangements so that she'd be well cared for and taken care of when she passed.
Do I feel sad? No. Why? Because she received what she wanted, to die in peace. Do I miss her? No. Why? Because she was not involved in my life or interested in my kids or anything but the news or whether Trump would be impeached or not. Will I miss her? I'm not sure. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I don't miss him. Is that wrong? I don't know. Did I look up and talked to him and ask him what I should do when Mom had one of her rages at the ER? Yep. Did it help? I don't know.
Everyone is different and in different situations and everyone says that. I guess I feel weird in that I should feel bad and grieve as society tells you that's what needs to happen, but I don't. And then some will say that that is ok too.
In short, you will feel what you will. No one should tell you how to feel, how long it will take, or whether you'll feel anything at all. It's up to you as it's up to me right now.
I love your honesty. Hugs! Did you see the Elton John interview about his mom? Very similar to you. She never met his two children. She was selfish and everything was about her.
Having watched a parent wait to die for so long - it’s hardly surprising your reaction isn’t the same as it was for the loss of your father. In a way you lost her a long time ago.
Theres no right or wrong in the loss process - some folk almost skip through certain sections. My parents were both, at the time they each died, in so much pain and had such a hellish “quality of life” as the pet phraseology goes - that I felt relief on their behalf that they were no longer suffering.
Theres a lot to do after the death of a parent so in a way being numb at the moment may actually be useful.
I can but suggest that you be kind to yourself at present, enjoy a sunset or a long walk. Do things that you’d like to and get friends from church to help with any aspects you find harder. You’re doing just great considering you lost her twice in a way.
Oh sweetheart you have been grieving her anticipatory passing for all the years you cared for her. I I understand this type of grief because i also lived that process with my mom who had alzheimer's. You watched her go through her transition to heaven and it's okay if you cant grieve the way you thought you would. I am sure there is a sense of relief and a new normal for you now. The darkness and heaviness has lifted now. It's okay to focus on yourself and what joy and fun you want to create for your life now. You gave enough of yourself and now you can give to your own life. Give yourself time to go through the steps of grief. Find your new purpose. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I was the same when my father died...while my mother and sister were vocally grieving, I was quiet, and solemn. I preferred to know that he was in a better place and out of pain, and I was grateful for all the wonderful memories he gave me....I rather focused on the good times and good memories rather than grief.
I didnt grieve for either one of my parents, my Dad who I was very close to was in a Nursing Home and was very ill, it truly was a blessing when he passed! Grieving just didnt feel right because it was a relief! I reminisced about his life and celebrated the Love he had for his wife and his family! My Mother had Alzheimers and I lost her long before her body passed, so it was hard to grieve the loss of someone who didnt even know me in the end! I took care of my parents for 10 years before they had to leave their home! I felt such saddness when that happened! Sometimes the memories bring a tear but they both had a good life together for almost 60 years!
Don't beat yourself up. You probably shed lots of tears as their lives dwindled away, and as you were losing the very capable person who cared for you. There may well have been no tears left to shed when they finally left this world. Be kind to yourself.
As others have said, everyone reacts differently. Maybe I'm "weird" but I just accept rather matter-of-factly that "old people eventually die" and move on with life without any great emotional response. My father criticized me when his 86 y/o mother died but I went to a band practice that my friends and I had scheduled that evening. (Years later we talked about this, and my father said he was upset and simply assumed I would have been too--however, my grandmother, who lived in another state, was a nice person but only spoke very broken English and communication was very difficult.) I have found I reacted much the same way even with other people, including my father, have died. I've told people that if I die the day they have a big party planned, by all means they should go to it and have a good time.
I recall mentioning this to someone (who was either some kind of counselor, religious leader, or otherwise someone thought of as being "wise"), and the response was that the world needs people who are able to take care of the logistics, etc. while others are overwhelmed by grief.
You don't mention how old you are. That may have something to do with it. When you are young, the process of dying seems far away. As you get older, the line gets shorter until you are at the head of it. Then it seems like there is way too little time left. When you watch a loved one suffer and die, you feel helpless and then you wonder what it will be like for you, as there is no escaping death.
My dad just died a few weeks ago after I had cared for him in my home for 9 months as his dementia progressed. It was a relief but also a sad struggle to watch him die. It was only a short time until Christmas and I hadn’t done a thing so I went about doing my shopping etc. suddenly feeling so free not needing respite care for him. I’ve found that I sort of put my grief “up on a shelf“ to do Christmas. Now that it’s over it’s creeping out in little ways. Not an over the top boo hoo fest as it was when my husband died, but more of a melancholy feeling as I think back over my memories of caring for him and the fact that a human life that was important to me is now gone from this plane of existence. Having experienced a lot of grief this one is really different for me but I’ve also learned that grief is full of surprises and no 2 situations are alike.
It's ok, Look up Kubler Ross stages of grief. Most folks follow that progression of grief. When my Gram died I felt relief: relief that she no longer had pain or disability, relief that mom (primary caregiver) was free of this responsibility, and relief for myself (secondary caregiver) that I was free for new opportunities. If you are concerned after reading Kubler Ross stages of grief, find a grief group... like GriefShare which usually meets in churches.
I still can't imagine loosing my parents. It hurts so much to think about it that I dread the day it happens. I do try to prepare myself though. I do not want them to become bedbound or suffer severe dementia. I'd rather they go before they lose who they are as a person, but, I don't know what God has in store. So far, their mind seems fine.
I've been grieving the loss of my cousin, who has end stage dementia (hospice) for years. I still cry when I think of what she's going through, so, her passing will be a relief really. I know she wants to join her parents and sister.
I lost one of my best friends this past spring who was only 59 years old and I still cry about it all the time. I don't know when that pain will dwindle. I wish I did have some suggestions. I've heard about a support group. What I do is visit with my friend's mother and we talk about my friend and all he meant to us and what a great man he was. I think that helps me some.
Did she live with you? I think what you are feeling might be the loss of the responsibility of taking care of her.
My mother is living in AL and doesn’t like it. She can’t feed herself so I go to feed her lunch and dinner. I’m sure her care level will increase during the three month evaluation. Her health has continued to decline. She continues to show evidence of active dying. I am sure I will feel the emptiness after she passes but she is very controlling and I don’t think I’ll miss that! Sometimes she is very sweet. I accept whatever mood she’s in. Maybe in your case you will have to give it time. Good luck to you! Prayers and big hugs going your way! ❤️🤗
We all grieve differently, and sometimes that grief is a sense of relief instead of the pain that we usually associate with losing someone. When my grandpa died there was a sense of joy in his passing because he was so very ill and in so much pain. He was one of the most important people in my life, and I loved him dearly with all my heart. It has been more than 40 years and I still think of him often. But I have never felt the expected feelings of painfulness. Instead, I skip over the bad and remember the wonderful things he did to show me love. When my grandma passed there were a few days of extreme pain at losing her, but overall it was a feeling that she was no longer struggling and in physical distress. She was a vital part of my life and losing her was devastating, but I knew it was coming and perhaps I had been in grieving throughout the time she was passing instead of at the actual passing. Like my grandpa, I still think of her often. Both of them had a major role in raising me.
Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that fits for you. I truly believe that when people are ill for a long time, the grief is very different from what we expect it should be. As caregivers, we see a different side to things, and that is okay. Fill the emptiness with wonderful memories of times before your mom got sick and you became the caregiver. Do NOT compare yourself to others who are feeling the pain of your mom's passing right now - as her caregiver your experience with her was very different from theirs - it just seems normal to me that grieving would be different, too.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Caregiving is such an immersive experience...we often slip into the role and it ever increases with the person's needs and our providing assistance, often in so many ways and for so much of our daily lives...and then, in a blink...it is over. So my guess is you are grieving in your own way, but maybe you just think not compared to the image you have in your mind of what it looks like. I don't think it is a straight or cookie-cutter kind of path and is as variable as the individuals involved. Also caregiving for such a long time it is as if you have been grieving and anticipating the loss all along...if you feel up to doing anything, help others...if not...maybe a nap? Cut yourself some slack. And if you want to talk about it, find someone...
You may be left with a bit of “what do I do now” feeling. When your father died, you still had your mother to see to. But there’s no one left to take care of now. So your brain may be trying to figure out what to do.
Take time, be gentle with yourself. See how it goes. Eventually, life has a way of filling the voids. Lots of hugs for you, my dear.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Please talk to your religious leader, Hospice organization or a therapist about grief counseling. You may mind it hits you like a ton of bricks, or perhaps sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
What is it that you feel empty inside? that she is gone? or that you don't have that responsibility that fulfilled you? That may be how your relationship was with her. Just that. and it's a relationship, nonetheless. The emptiness may be that you need time to see what the next chapter in your life will be. It can't happen overnight. Just do what you need to do and get things in order and I bet your emptiness will be filled with other people, places, and things. Give it time. It's only been two weeks. Take time for yourself.
I am sorry you had to deal with so much from your father. It says a lot about you, that you stepped in to make sure he was well cared for.
It is truly a difficult process, I know.
God brought me through the grief of my Dad. I couldn't have gotten through it without HIM.
I hope and pray you look to HIM for your comfort.
🤗🙏
You may be in a bit of shock and denial that she's not with you. There are many steps in grieving. Let yourself grieve at your own pace.
My prayers for you and mother. Take care.
Write your thoughts, when you can. Nice way to check in on you, for you.
Let us know how you're doing.
Many churches offer grief consoling you may want to check into this.
Part of it might be...now...what do I do with my life? This may turn out to be a pivotal moment in your life.
I wish you the best, be gentle with yourself!
"Help for those who grieve"
https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&issue=2018-11&pub=g18&srcid=share
and "When Someone you love dies"
https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=1101994000&srcid=share
I think there are also a lot of "what ifs" and "should I have?" in terms of how we handle the last months and years of our involvement in someone's life. I set higher standards for myself after my father's death, so there was a need to balance when was done vs. what could have done, and stop the self recrimination.
Don't set time limits, don't set tasks other than absolutely mandatory ones, and create plenty of time to review, remember, and then remember in positive terms by segueing back over the years to better times.
Now I try to remember all the things I learned from him, as well as from my mother and sister, and how my life has been enriched through them. Then I think how I want to apply those benefits to the rest of my life and share them with others.
And, if I was honest, I would have to say that I liked him more.
Appreciate your kindness .... think I’ve kept myself so busy so I won’t feel guilty and to keep the ‘I should have’ at bay. Thank you for your kindness.
I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and great therapist - just haven’t found a way to talk to anyone about this.
Thank you for your kindness.
this will come in its own time. We all cope differently. After caring for your Mother for fifteen years and to now find Her gone can put your entire system into shock as this is a very big change for you now and you need to take it slow and take plenty rest, long hot baths and if the door bell rings and you are not feeling up to it ignore the darn thing. If you are a Lady of Prayer and Church what ever denomination this will be of great help to You. I respect all
Religions, and when I lost my Dear Mother 3 1/2 years ago it was Prayer and morning Mass, as well as joining the Legion of Mary in Our Parish that got me through to void and the emptiness and that dreadful loss. Suddenly I was back out there engaging with really good kind decent People again, and soon afterwards I returned back to work after being away for four years while I had been caring for Mom. I took things slow Monica and you will get there too, but take Baby steps, a little more each day. Do not be afraid to cry in Public or privately. I must have filled several barrels with tears. God Bless and be kind
to Yourself and rest assured You will get through this.
I was out of town when she passed. I had pre-arranged all the arrangements so that she'd be well cared for and taken care of when she passed.
Do I feel sad? No. Why? Because she received what she wanted, to die in peace. Do I miss her? No. Why? Because she was not involved in my life or interested in my kids or anything but the news or whether Trump would be impeached or not.
Will I miss her? I'm not sure. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I don't miss him. Is that wrong? I don't know. Did I look up and talked to him and ask him what I should do when Mom had one of her rages at the ER? Yep. Did it help? I don't know.
Everyone is different and in different situations and everyone says that. I guess I feel weird in that I should feel bad and grieve as society tells you that's what needs to happen, but I don't. And then some will say that that is ok too.
In short, you will feel what you will. No one should tell you how to feel, how long it will take, or whether you'll feel anything at all. It's up to you as it's up to me right now.
I appreciate your honesty and your concerns about being numb to it all. I would assume that you are in the midst of processing everything.
Grief can be tricky. It comes in waves. Some waves are gentle and some knock us down.
Please let us know how you are doing. Hugs.
Theres no right or wrong in the loss process - some folk almost skip through certain sections. My parents were both, at the time they each died, in so much pain and had such a hellish “quality of life” as the pet phraseology goes - that I felt relief on their behalf that they were no longer suffering.
Theres a lot to do after the death of a parent so in a way being numb at the moment may actually be useful.
I can but suggest that you be kind to yourself at present, enjoy a sunset or a long walk. Do things that you’d like to and get friends from church to help with any aspects you find harder. You’re doing just great considering you lost her twice in a way.
God bless
I recall mentioning this to someone (who was either some kind of counselor, religious leader, or otherwise someone thought of as being "wise"), and the response was that the world needs people who are able to take care of the logistics, etc. while others are overwhelmed by grief.
Does anyone else [not] react this way?
I've been grieving the loss of my cousin, who has end stage dementia (hospice) for years. I still cry when I think of what she's going through, so, her passing will be a relief really. I know she wants to join her parents and sister.
I lost one of my best friends this past spring who was only 59 years old and I still cry about it all the time. I don't know when that pain will dwindle. I wish I did have some suggestions. I've heard about a support group. What I do is visit with my friend's mother and we talk about my friend and all he meant to us and what a great man he was. I think that helps me some.
My mother is living in AL and doesn’t like it. She can’t feed herself so I go to feed her lunch and dinner. I’m sure her care level will increase during the three month evaluation. Her health has continued to decline. She continues to show evidence of active dying. I am sure I will feel the emptiness after she passes but she is very controlling and I don’t think I’ll miss that! Sometimes she is very sweet. I accept whatever mood she’s in. Maybe in your case you will have to give it time. Good luck to you! Prayers and big hugs going your way! ❤️🤗
Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that fits for you. I truly believe that when people are ill for a long time, the grief is very different from what we expect it should be. As caregivers, we see a different side to things, and that is okay. Fill the emptiness with wonderful memories of times before your mom got sick and you became the caregiver. Do NOT compare yourself to others who are feeling the pain of your mom's passing right now - as her caregiver your experience with her was very different from theirs - it just seems normal to me that grieving would be different, too.
Take time, be gentle with yourself. See how it goes. Eventually, life has a way of filling the voids. Lots of hugs for you, my dear.