I don’t live with her but have caregivers coming in each day. I go see her every month and stay a few weeks sometimes longer. There’s so much to do each time. Her house is huge and too big for me to keep managing. I would like her to move to something not too much work for me. I’ve told her my feelings but she insists she doesn’t want to move. Being an only child the burden is too much for me now.
My mom is hard of hearing, uses a walker, is on blood thinner and has mild cognitive impairment. She has a good personality not mean. Her caregivers come to check on her, make sure she takes her meds, drinks water, makes her meals, take her for walks and out of the house. She does her own hygiene, makes her oatmeal in micro and coffee, cleans kitchen and does some laundry. Lately she has been getting light headed which is a concern. She has an alert necklace she wears except for showers. She doesn’t want to go into assisted living. If she needs 24/7 she would have to sell her house to afford it.
Of course not. She has her assisted living (for one) set up just fine.
Unfortunately it is not fine for you - so time for another upfront honest chat about changing the arrangement to suit BOTH of you. Eg you stepping back from many duties.
First, ask her suggestions on how to fill the tasks you will need to reduce.
Your conversation will highlight if she has or lacks insight into her situation & what problem solving skills she has.
If her answer is "I'll manage just fine" for everything... ⚠️ Problem solving skills may have declined more than you realised. (It's a common coverup phrase). Of course, can also be stuborness or other reasons.
I was told it takes 6 times to have The Chat for it to start to sink in. (Sadly, some have lost reason & judgement & will never get it).
Let us know what level you think her thinking is at. Maybe she will hire more help & keep on doing her thing for many years to come 😊
Can you ..I mean mom pay to have someone do what you are doing?
If you are cleaning ..mom can hire cleaning people to come every two weeks.
If you are doing laundry...caregivers can do that or call a service that will pick up, launder and fold or hang items then return them.
If you are doing yard work.. mom can pay to have that done.
If you are paying bills ..much of that can be done on line and from the comfort of your home.
Just step back from the things that you are doing that are more than you can handle. They can either be taken care of by the caregivers OR mom hires someone to do those things. If she does not want to pay someone to do them then they get left undone.
Once things get left undone she may see the light and consider a move.
Continuing the way you are your mom will outlive you.
Reality sunk in. For ME.
I showed this list to * & got a shrug. "I don't care who does it - it doesn't have to be you - but I need someone to".
So empathy WAS there (a wee little bit) - that it was/would be too much for the current helpers. Flexibility WAS there too - willing to change. But problem solving skills to assemble the a bigger team of helpers was not. So the problem was highlighted & a plan of action started.
I showed the list to some of the professionals involved too. A wide eyed look, a real lightglobe moment was observed by Doctor, Nurse & OT. All agreed on verdict: assisted living. Alternative: a Care Manager to take it all on (if even possible).
Of course empathy, flexibility & problem solving vary tremendously for each case.
Sometimes we let fear or perhaps a stubborn adherence to a plan of action hold us back from making changes that are both necessary and positive - at the end of her life when she was by necessity living in a nursing home and she admitted that she should have made a change much sooner.
It might help if you stop doing things for a month (doctor’s orders), including not going for your monthly visit. Because you aren’t there all the time, your mother probably can’t realise how much you do. She may well think that she is ‘independent’, rather than ‘supported’. Unless she knows that what you do keeps the show on the road, she simply won’t be willing to change the arrangements. Until then, you will have a fight on your hands, with lots of resentment if you try to force her out of her house.
Tell Mom she needs to realize that ur a Senior too. And because of that you cannot care for two homes. Are you doing outside work, stop, Mom needs to hire someone. If you are doing more than just dusting and running a vacuum in the rooms she occupies, stop. She needs to hire someone to clean. Look at what you do, is it disabling/enabling her to the point she does not see what it takes to keep her house up. Even in early Dementia they lose the ability to reason. Have you started cleaning out? Getting rid of things there is no way she will ever use. I have a 4 bedroom house and even though I have gotten rid of some stuff, I still have more. At 72 its overwhelming thinking if downsizing. I would have no problem, but my husband is the one that doesn't want to get rid of albums, VCR tapes and his wall of books.