I'm just going to say it... I don't think I'm cut out to care for my mum when she may need it!
I have been reading on this forum for a couple of months. I just don't think I have it in me to care for her. Our relationship is very strained and I feel very distant from her emotionally. She can be very difficult to be around. She can make everyone hate life around her if someone upsets her. I now know it will only get worse as time goes on. I know there are people who will think I'm a awful daughter and that's okay. She never wanted to take care of me when I was young and sick as a child. (nothing serious, just kids being sick) She would leave me alone, or tell me to get away from her...she did not want to catch it. She is larger than me. And she expects too much. She expects everyone to change their life to fit her life. (move to her and quit my job, she's in her mid 70's and pretty healthy) I know this would just be the start. She wants me to be her personal assistant or her be the big dog and I would be the little dog. She does not like my husband and this would become an issue. I'm afraid after a while I would not be nice to her. I don't want that to happen, I love her. But I need to make sure she is safe and being taken care of each day. I'm thankful for this forum and going to counseling to help me see what I need to do for BOTH of our mental health. Thank you!
Who else feels this way?
My opinion is is that you should never be her caregiver. Good for you to recognize it early. Make arrangements and start leisurely picking out places and various scenarios for her eventual care needs. Consider the finances and if you have any siblings that may have a better relationship with her than you do.
I don’t subscribe to the theory that you owe it to them. The only thing you owe her is to try to ensure that she is cared for. That doesn’t mean it’s by you.
Plan now for an AL or a nursing home or in home care. Check out the costs and the requirements for each. That way when there’s a decline in health or mental status you’re ready with care that does not involve you doing the care giving. Better yet give her the information and let her do it herself. Be honest with her that you will not be caring for her. She may be expecting this despite your relationship.
Take this time to try to heal your relationship as best as you can. Remember this takes two and protect your own feelings here as well. Offer her the chance to rectify and validate her short comings as a parent. You may or may not get what you seek here so be prepared for that.
My own bad relationship with my mother has had some validation but always met with excuses for her lack of parenting and emotional abuse. Though she’d never agree with this.
I had a counselor suggest that I cease my relationship to her entirely and since I said I did not feel that I could do this, she recommended I always have a quick exit strategy upon hearing the slightest of insults or upsets to me, I would calmly just leave immediately. This relationship is now on my terms as an adult. I choose to no longer allow abuses of any kind.
I can’t tell you how freeing and healing this was for me. To even recognize it in the moment and have the power to accept this no longer! No one can make you feel anything without your consent. So don’t give it to her.
I chose to keep the relationship open for healing and I’ve had some over the years in bits and pieces. It was a chance I took. You may choose not to and that’s fine too. Decide what you will and will not accept and stick to it.
Good for you BTW! Obviously you’ve already begun to heal from this relationship to be where you’re already at with your decision.
When you have these conversations about what your mother expects in terms of care in her old age: who brings the subject up, you or your mother? And how does it even come up as a subject?
The OP's mother does not require care. Mother is in good health and in her seventies. There is no caregiving to be done. God willing - and although most of us are likely to need some kind of support if we get past, say, eighty - there may *never* be any caregiving to be done.
So although I share the concern about the level of anxiety the poor OP is feeling, the advice "don't do it" doesn't help. Not because it isn't sound advice in itself, in general, but because it is just not applicable. She can't not do something there is no current prospect of her even needing to say no to, let alone stop doing.
Math, has this fear got worse recently? What brought you to AgingCare?
Honestly, don't do it. I've seen it with my Dad - does not give a rats a*s about anyone else except himself. 95% of the time he doesnt "need" my help but he wants to be the Big Kanuna that everyone runs around to. Sometimes I think he'd prefer it if I got divorced, abandoned my kids etc so he could have me 100%.
I struggled with guilt for years then it sunk in that he didnt give a toss about me or my wellbeing. He mentioned I looked tired one day and that I should "calm down a bit, stop working so much, and look after myself".
Amazing thing to say when he expected me to be at his beck and call. Its stopped that day.
I wholeheartedly agree with Leonine1 and many others below! You have only one life to live, so set your boundaries, get psychological support for yourself and physical help for your mom outside your home. And do your best without making yourself guilty and anxious! Best of luck to you.
I believe not all people have it in them to go thru a stressful
situation as caregiving.
I would say to you
if you feel very strongly that you will not be able to handle the situation for an unknown amount of time, than do everything you need to make sure that when your loved one comes to the time
where she requires additional help in life all of the arrangements are made to secure that your loved one is taken care of by someone, some place, whatever, as long as she is taken care of.
in your cause it might be better to visit mom often and leave the care giving to someone else you trust.
I had to become her legal guardian because the stroke left her paralyzed and unable to speak.
Being thrust into her life when she's in this condition has taken its toll on me because its all very confusing. Everything from family members, medical, financial, domestic, etc. all her issues have had to be dealt with on a daily basis.
Care giving is very challenging.
The thing is. There is no situation. Your mother is in her mid 70s and pretty healthy. She has been needling you about this topic since she was in her mid 50s; you have stood your ground; she's still needling you; and there is still no prospect of your actually becoming her caregiver. She's been pushing the same button for *twenty years* and it's still working?
So before there is even any direct threat, you're already devoting this much energy and worry to justifying your right to prevent a situation that cannot possibly develop without your active agreement.
If your mother did need care, and you and your husband decided that your home was in no way the right setting, nobody can even require that you show your reasoning. You say no. You can even, if need be, get your husband to be the bad cop - it might make a refreshing change for him to deserve your mother's disapproval.
I just don't think your anxiety is really about becoming your mother's caregiver or about justifying why you shouldn't. It's too nebulous a proposition to keep you awake at night in this way, for this long.
So what is going on? What are you really afraid of?
It's been challenging but she has helped me with housekeeping when she was healthier. Now that her health is waning and I no longer have children home, it is getting hard. Resentment sets in when you see your siblings enjoying their empty nest years and visiting 1-2 times a year. I plan to keep caring for my mom until she needs nursing and then we will consider facilities.
What everyone says in previous comments is spot on. It's hard and it does affect your overall attitude and quality of life. But it seems to be the right thing to do. I have many moments when I feel trapped and my future looks so full of stress.
If you do go down this path, I recommend you join a caregiver support group that meets regularly and go and let your frustrations out. Spiritual support for you is paramount, too. If you put her in a far room in the house or build a small addition, ever better. When you are disconnected from your mother, there is no emotional love/feedback to keep you going. At least when caring for a disabled child, your natural motherly instincts and love drive you but not so with a negative mother (mine is).
It is also paramount that you keep your needs as high a priority as your own. Exercise and socialize and hire someone to be with your mother while you are out even if she threatens misery. My mother tells the help to leave, though, and if you find help that is clever and talk their way into staying, pay them well!
Anyway, that's my two cents worth. I hope it helps.
MIndy
First, let me say how proud I am of you for recognizing your own emotions surrounding this subject. And I do not feel you are a terrible person, nor a terrible daughter.
For anyone to judge you would prove their inability to support, direct, guide or comfort you.
I am not a professional mental health provider. But I am a veteran caregiver and disabled myself. With 17 years of medical background, and years of supporting others, I assure you taking time to heal broken bonds is far more important.
Anyone can empty a bed pan, but not anyone can be her daughter. Furthermore, you must take care of your needs to be any help to others.
My family tried to care for my grandmother, who was a bitter and angry woman. Much like what you describe. What it resulted in was a lot of abuse by her hands. In the end she was placed at a rest home equipped to help her.
The family damage was life altering. I have carried those wounds as others did. What I learned helps me to this day.
Not everyone is in the right place to be a caregiver. It's not a failing. You researching other options for her is just as loving. Some have nobody to even provide that support.
Maybe no one will say it to you. But with what you shared, it would likely be a terrible experience for both of you and perhaps put your marriage at risk as well.
Care giving is hard, thankless, time consuming, depriving at times and once locked in others are slow to come to your aid.
So no one should ever start that engine without the proper fuel. And that fuel works best in an environment of trust, unity and within healthy personal boundaries.
I offer the comfort that looking to professional guidance for your Mom is likely best. Spend time looking for resources for her and step back to be the daughter.
On a side note, and totally unsolicited. Maybe finding someone to hear out your pains would be life enhancing.
Dealing with that can allow you the strength to keep saying no when needed and yes when able. It is a gift to give oneself.
I am glad you came here and were open and honest. I hope others support you.
If I can support you further visit me at AngelsofOurOctober.com Where free support is offered for those looking at complex issues in the home.
And of course this site is brimming full of many resources I faithfully make use of myself and trust-sincerely PJ
and stepping in without knowing how years of your life will be consumed with
one crisis after another. And just when you're catching your breath, the manufactured crisis begin. Which are worse. Give me health difficulties over
toxic drama any day.
Both my mom and MIL have indicated that expected to live with us - to which we consistently say as politely as possible - "no, we are not set up for that, but we will help you move to assisted living and visit you there". We don't want to fight about it now - but we don't want them either to think that silence is acquiescence.
But I was pretty good at being a logistical caregiver finding answers to my parents aging issues.
Worry about her future care when it happens. If u do get her to assign you POAs, all they mean is she is giving you the ability to make decisions on her behalf when she can no longer make informed decisions. It does not mean you are her servant. Just makes things a lot easier when the time comes where she isn't paying bills or needs LTC.
All you owe Mom is like you said, to keep her fed, safe and clean. You don't have to be hands on to do that. Just tell her you will make sure she is in a nice AL or NH.😊