My MIL moved in with us last year. We bought a home that gives her a small kitchenette, washer/dryer, room, bathroom, and sitting area. She went from being completely independent to becoming totally dependent on us. She won’t drive, won’t take ride services, she won’t even walk across the street to the grocery store. She’s forgetful, but when she wants to remember something she can. Physically, she’s fine too. Most of her issues seem to be emotional. I can get her out of the house 5 days in a row and if I leave the house without her on the 6th day, I’ll get a passive aggressive comment about it.
My husband and I have had numerous conversations with her, but unfortunately she’s unwilling to do anything by herself, doesn’t want to be a burden, but sadly is kind of becoming one. None of the solutions we’ve found for her are good enough.
We’ve told her she can come up and to our living room/kitchen area and hang out, but if I leave the room for a moment she goes downstairs. I feel like the more I try to talk to her about it, the worse it becomes. It’s almost like dealing with a stubborn teenager. She wants control of her life, but the choices she makes, make her more isolated.
When she moved in with us I thought she would still drive, would be willing to take a shuttle of some kind, and would’ve been fine walking around a bit because she asked us to find a home in a walkable area. We’ve tried to be accommodating and helpful, but no matter what we do she’ll fixate on the few times she’s felt left out and blames us for how unhappy she is.
I truly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just let her be? I have a 5 year old and a new baby on the way and really don’t have the emotional energy to continue this day in and day out, but would love for her to be happy and content.
When you say she is completely dependent, does she keep her apartment clean, wash her own laundry, cook her own meals in her kitchenette, shop for her own groceries, shower and toilet herself? What type of things is she forgetting? Or is she just dependent on you for socialization and travel? How does she interact with your 5 year old? My mother has MCI but she's still wonderful with the children. Mom can also still do things where she can see the steps needed to be taken. For example, she can see the floor needs to be swept, sweep the floor, collect the dirt in a dust bin, put up the dust bin and broom. On the other hand, Mom may salt something she's cooking 2-3 times. Do you see any of that behavior in your MIL's actions?
Is there a senior center or adult day care in the area that provides transportation? Maybe MIL would be more willing to take transportation where she is not expected to recognize the stop and knows it will be bringing her home. You might also want to consider getting one of the GPS fall detector with a friends list. When someone falls or presses a button, the device can be set to call 911 first, or a friends list until someone answers, or a friends list followed by 911. The answering party can converse with the person wearing the pendent. If MIL is afraid of getting lost, knowing she can use the pendent to call you and you will be able to see where she is from a phone app might be reassuring.
In general, you cannot make someone else happy. You can offer an environment where they can experience contentment and moments of joy but they are responsible for reaching for their own happiness. Most grandmothers would love to be living in their own apartment/suite in a home where their grandchildren reside. My mother loves living next door to her oldest grandson where she can watch her great-grandchildren playing in the yard and enjoy their visits to our home. You need to take care of yourself, your children and your marriage before you worry about MIL's happiness.
If MIL does have some cognitive issues, depending on what the diagnosis is and how fast her cognitive functions decline, she may be able to remain in your home for many years with only minor accommodations. Or you and your husband may need to start planning placement in AL or MC at some point.
She knows her way around our home and our neighborhood. She used to walk our dog a little bit and took a few trips to the store alone, but has stopped. She has an appointment with a neuro in March. There is probably some cognitive decline, but I believe she can do more than what she’s doing now. I had found her a ride service that picks her up from our home, took her to the gym, and brought her back. She said she didn’t like getting into a car with strangers, although I assured her the drivers were vetted/insured. She also won’t go to the store because she says the street is a 4 lane highway, I promise it’s not. We live near some affordable senior apartments (she wouldn’t qualify for) and I’ve seen people with walkers and wheelchairs cross that street and go to Vons... I have driven her to the senior center, but she won’t try any of the classes. I got her used to the YMCA chair yoga and would drop her off and pick her up. She was completely capable and fine doing that. Unfortunately, as my pregnancy is progressing I am unable to drive her. She took the ride service I had found three times and it was always successful, but she said she didn’t want to take it anymore because of the whole strangers argument.
She is in pretty good health, but there could be depression there. Hopefully, the neuro can tell us more in March.
If your MIL is not suffering from any physical ailments, it sounds like she is suffering from a mental illness of sorts. Perhaps anxiety? Or maybe she had a mini stroke? She needs a check up, that's for sure.
No matter what is at the root of her behavior, I don't see how you can possibly tolerate the situation with your MIL and raise a small child AND an upcoming newborn (CONGRATS!) without losing your mind. Look into Independent Living for her and have your husband speak to her about it.
Unfortunately, multi generational living does not work on SO many levels it seems. It sounds fine on paper, but in reality, it turns into an unlivable situation. And, at your age and in your young family situation, you can't manage HER along with the rest you've got on your plate. Expecting some of these women to be 'happy and content' is a pipe dream, sadly..........so many of them have unrealistic expectations and delusions about how their lives 'should' be but somehow 'aren't.' Sad.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate this tough situation, and sending you a big hug as well.
If one responds by saying 'Yes, you are a burden but we will get through this difficult time' we upset them further because we are enabling both their sadness, even depression, at loss of independence.
If we say 'No, no burden at all' we are lying....and they know we are lying, and that enables the same problems.
If we ignore the statement and change the topic, they know we are being evasive....and we get the same results.
I find it really is a lose-lose situation. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
This doesn't sound like a good long term arrangement. Did you all get along famously before she moved in?
It sounds as though something has changed. Her mental health, cognitive skills, physical health (don't discount what a devastating effect a little fecal incontinence can have on an elder) or something else has changed.
How do you get at that? YOU don't. This is your husband's mom. He needs to step up here and have a heart to heart with her about what is going on. If she won't discuss what is going on, you will need to help her find other accomodations, because this is going to wreck your family life.
If someone is not into activities, driving, etc. it's usually not going to change. I might see if I could tell why she no longer wants to do much. I'll offer that my LO stopped wanting to go out, visit or drive. Later, we found out it was because she was starting to forget places, people, roads, and even how to operate the car. So, she had made up excuses that she didn't feel well and wanted to stay home. She complained a lot too, even when there was nothing wrong. Just very grumpy for no reason, with lots of complaining. Has your MIL had a full physical and mental eval?
It's a shame if things don't work out though. Having a grandparent in the house so your kids can grow up bonding with her as grandma is a joyous thing, if the circumstances are right. I grew up in a house with 4 generations under one roof! My earliest memories are the love from my grandparents and great grandparents. We were extremely close and I can't imagine a happier childhood. But, everyone respected the other person's privacy and were very courteous to each other. They were pretty healthy and mobile too. My grandparents were in their 40's and grandparents in their 60's. It was truly a house of love and family.
I hope you can find some answers and things turn around with your situation.