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Mostly estranged daughter for past 40-50 years offering to take mom and dad into her home 100+ miles away from other sibs who have all been active participants in their lives. Both parents have repeatedly stated for years they can’t stand daughter’s spouse whom has a not so nice nickname, though daughter has no clue about this dislike. 2 of 4 sibs totally agree with doctor to have dad/mom live at beautiful local assisted living/memory care facility for medical and socialization reasons, but other two sibs are in denial of situation, possibly feel obligated/guilty and/or seeing their inheritance dwindling. Mom has advanced dementia (incl severe sundowning, numerous falls incl breaking hip twice in 1 month) and while dr didn’t say she had 6 mos to live, he gave a pretty clear similar example she did.


Dad with mid stage dementia taken on a tour of assisted living facility then estranged daughter says he can live there, or she can take both of them into her home, giving him one week to decide. Dad is extremely confused in what to do, and feels he needs to discuss matters with wife with dementia who will not understand, get angry, etc. She is currently living in a nursing facility for past 3-4 month’s healing from 2 fractured hip surgeries.


Parents are in a financial situation where house needs to be sold, but both could live out the remainder of their lives in assisted living/memory care and be fine financially for rest of lives. Dad now tasked with making a decision some of sibs don’t believe he is capable of making (and shouldn’t be asked). Says he guesses he will have to learn to tolerate son in law in order to make living at daughters home work. Son in laws own mother recently sick/died, but he did nothing to help during her illness, it was all on the daughter.


A lot of dynamics going on, but want best care for both parents, including socialization opportunities they would likely have at assisted living facility.  Mom is great lady, but is both a physical and emotional drain on current 24/7 caregiver she has with her in nursing facility to ensure she does not get out of bed and injure herself. Dad is jovial and easy to get along with but presents with neuropathy, frequent falls, and mid level dementia. Love them both to pieces. Only want to move them once, getting best care. The only plus dad says about living with daughter is good cooking, which he would also get at A/L. Any thoughts/suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for listening.

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You know the answer. And what are these two estranged people offering to ‘care’ for both of your parents simultaneously up to? Did they inherit from the son in law’s mother?

That ploy to demand a mentally compromised man to make up his mind in one week?

This entire situation is ridiculous. Just set your parents up in the nice AL and ignore sister Florence Nightingale!!
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Thanks for your candidacy. Sometimes I think it’s a psychological way for daughter not to have to see dad’s medical capacity as dad has always made the decisions. I say pull up your big girl panties and act like a true medical POA, not one waiting until money has run out and there are no longer any vacancies at A/L facility, so backed into only left alternative of living with her.  Unfortunately I am not a sib or a decision maker in this situation, only a long-standing ex spouse (it’s complicated) who remains a loving family friend whom both parents trust and love. Two of the four sibs wanting parents to live with daughter/sister were already ousted of their an inheritance from biological father, which is why i am thinking I may be right on the mark. I feel I see this situation ever so clearly, but unfortunately they choose not to see what I see. I am treading lightly with sibs as I don’t want to ruin 40 yr relationships, though it’s so hard to watch from sidelines when I have been so involved so much with their lives and illnesses thus far. 😔
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Who is the medical POA?
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Aiming to play devil's advocate, I searched your post for any indication of what made the daughter's home an appropriate care setting for the parents you describe. E.g., special adaptations, professional qualifications and/or experience, infinite wealth to support ample in-home care, familiar territory for the people with dementia...

I searched in vain. Is that because you're agin the idea anyway and are stressing the facility's advantages and keeping quiet about the family home's? Or is it in fact the case that the home-offering daughter is completely off her trolley and hasn't the first idea of what her parents' real care needs will be?
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Has Dad sen AL facility and did he like it?
Mom does not sound as though she is a candidate for AL more likely N/H or memory care.
Clearly she needs 24 hour care and estranged daughter must now what that entailed havjng cared for an inlaw.
As I often say follow the money.
OP is no longer a family member so has only an interest in the wellfare of this couple.
The parents have the money for a care facility. perhaps find a memory care that has AL near or attached. i would not recommend moving them in anywhere together.
Is Dad able to pretty comp;eatery care for himself and provide some care for his wife?
if the daughter is estranged it would seem ill advised to move them in with her and the son in law they dislike. He hasn't changed.
Is est. daughter hoping to take over complete charge and manage money etc or are other sibs holding POA.
Choose a nice facility close to the four sibs and they will be much happier there.
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Thank you to all who have responded. Answering all questions to date below.
Medical POA is only the daughter, but financial is shared by all sibs.

In-home care at daughter’s would likely have the needed bathing necessities for dad he currently has at his home or at the A/L facility he so much liked when he visited. I am not sure whether there are any other assistance devices such as bars that I know of currently in place, but other than the critically-needed bathing tools, bars and devices would be an easy fix, though outdoor ramps would be needed.

Dad is still able to feed himself, but toileting and ambulating has become more of a challenge; he now also has 24/7 in-home care.

Dad is sad he is not able to care for mom in the ways he once did, but says he now confused in making the decision of where to live, and he wants to talk with mom (who only wants to go home, and now he’s going to have to tell her he’s going to sell home and move) which is going to go over like a lead balloon.

I do not feel Dad should be burdened with this decision at all and trying to have a conversation about moving with mom who has severe dementia is only going to add undue stress to them both.

The local AL facility also has a memory care for aging in place for the both of them, although it may be best to leave her in S/N facility (depends on their discharge recommendations) and let dad go to A/L/ memory care.

Two of sibs want to keep them together and said dad could go to S/N facility and share room with mom so they can share a 24/7 caregiver which dr says is ok. Am thinking it would only depress Dad further as he is not yet at that same level and dr did stress A/L for him partly for the socialization he so needs. Also mom is constantly at dad 24/7 and he needs his rest for his own issues and therefore should have his own room. 

Seems as though all of this is about saving money, and not what’s in mom and dad’s best interest. Some of the sibs are listening to dad’s wants more than looking at the broader picture and making the decision on their own.

I do not believe dad is capable of making this, or any other life care decisions any longer due to his numerous TIAs/seizure/strokes he’s had to date. 

After sale of the house, both would have the means to live almost anywhere for approx the next 2.5 years.
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Actually it’s unfortunately that financial POA is shared by all siblings. That might work well in a few families, but it would be very few. My brothers and I would kill each each. As you’re seeing in this mess, there needs to be an ultimate decision maker. I hope you’ll see these folks get to move to AS/MC and a family war doesn’t break out over it
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With numerous marriages, incl. step and half sibs, so far so good, but I know how this may go down the road, but can only hope for the best.
I plan to help see them both through the end of their lives with love, grace and dignity, nothing short of what they have shown to me in my life. 
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In most jurisdictions, the person with POA for health has the decision making power.
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Yes, correct, that’s what I’m afraid of.
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I would suggest seeing a dementia expert to see where is with the dementia and if he is able to make the decisions get a lawyer to document everything.
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In my state Medical POA decides where a person lives but financial POA has to agree to pay for it... Is estranged daughter willing to take in her parents without any access to their funds? Or when you say all the children have POA is that each has a separate POA or they all hold a joint POA?

If the doctor is willing to put his recommendations in writing, the two children who want the parents in AL/SNC could probably get guardianship. For that matter you may be able to gain guardianship if you're willing to take that step and risk your relationships with the children.
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Placing patents in the care of an estranged daughter and a son in law they aren’t fond of will be a BIG mistake. The AL is the optimal place for your father. Many facilities have memory care and skilled nursing in the same compound so that each parent will receive the level of care they need but still be able to see each other daily. There will be daily activities, opportunities for socializing, planned meals and supervision by trained nurses and aides. They need to stay close to the children they maintain a relationship with. Moving in with the estranged daughter will isolate them and cause unnecessary anxiety.
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Well not sure how we can help you since you are a bystander and have no stake in this situation. Someone with moderate dementia is normally not capable of making decisions. This is why you don’t ask them what they want you make the decision for them. If you don’t have influence in this crazy mixed up family what are you hoping to do? I guess you just want our opinion? Are you planning on sharing this with them. They both need to be where they are safe. Mom in LTC or AL/memory care if they will accept her with her medical needs (which I doubt) and dad in AL. PREFERABLY in the same community so they can see each other. Sell the home now and liquidate the estate.
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Never to estranged daughter's. Continuum of care facility for them both, not together from the sounds of it.

About six years ago the twisted sisters denial led them to place a deposit on a tiny one bedroom unit with the intent for mom with Alzheimer's and stepdad with mobility issues, pretty frail. He was competent but twisteds did not even consult with him about moving to a facility. He was flabbergasted when he found out. Care Manager for mom had to tell twisteds that sharing was not an option, mom's needs were quite extensive and he would not be able to help mom 24/7.

Eventually they moved to the same facility, mom in memory care, he in AL. He was able to see her daily and for awhile took her to lunch in the main dining room. That didn't last long as mom had severe agitation with her sundowning. In the main dining room occasionally caused quite the disturbance when she thought a couple they would eat with were looking for mom and hubby to buy their meals. Even went so far as to enter the kitchen and started screaming at the chef to get the other people kicked out.

Mom did much better when she and hubby started to stay in the MC area for their meals. Staff would have to distract her when hubby was ready to leave. They had a good couple of years at this facility. He passed first. Soon after mom had to be moved to a smaller care home where all residents had been kicked out of previous facilities.

If dad likes this place, move him there, he will be close to his wife and he will feel like he is contributing something to her care. Stepdad did. It was the best way to try to meet both their needs.

One thing that should be checked into is if this facility will accept Medicaid after 2 years of self pay. The assets will not last forever. Separate rooms for them sounds most appropriate, mom and her hubby combined cost in the area of 12K a month.

DO NOT MOVE THEM TO ESTRANGED DAUGHTER'S.
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Before making any decisions why not send Dad for a couple weeks visit to the enstranged sister & brother in law to see how he makes out?
Siblings can drop over for a visit - ( if the brother in law ) does not make astink about dropping over?? There will your answer!!
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As a former DPOA for both of my parents, and as a daughter who deeply cared that my parents' best interest was always at the forefront, I highly recommend that you keep them nearby. As hard as it may seem to some siblings for Mom to be in one facility and Dad in another, they haven't been in their shoes. Your mom does not need to be moved from place to place. If she's getting good care where she is, she'll likely adjust to the facility. When my mom had to move from Assisted Living to a nursing care facility, the move was hard on her. She had Parkinson's and dementia. Anyone who is familiar with dementia will tell you that keeping everything "the same" is best for the loved one. Even moving furniture in a room can disturb a dementia patient.

My best advice to you is that legally those who have medical or financial power of attorney are always to remember the money belongs to Mom and Dad and is there for their care—not for everyone's future inheritance.

As a daughter caring for my parents, I always had to look at their needs first. I did not spend their money foolishly, but I had to learn to listen to medical doctors, to my own parents, and to the options available for them at that time.

As a sibling, I had to sometimes tune out my brothers and sisters comments that weren't in the best interest of Mom or Dad. It wasn't easy, but my parents entrusted their care with me and I did my utmost to make sure their needs were met in the best possible way.

Decisions are not easy to make. Get good advice. Listen to what your parents have said regarding the brother-in-law and sister. Your parents will never feel comfortable in a place where they haven't been very welcomed in the past. An estranged child hasn't suddenly changed into a loving, compassionate, caring person overnight. Listen to Dad's feelings. He should not have to change in order to be accommodated!

I pray that God will grant you the wisdom and voice you need to speak up and do what's best for your parents, and ultimately for everyone.
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How ridiculous! Your Dad should definitely make the decision. I've worked in assisted living as a nurse and I plan to go there someday when I get to the point I can't take care of myself. My kids would object but not for mercenary reasons but because they love me. AL have good meals, socialization, entertainment and you are assured of good medical care. My mother said, never live with your children. Earlier in life, my husband and I didn't listen and built a mother-in-law house on my daughter's and her husband's property. Unfortunately, my ex-son-in-law, who wasn't a very nice person, decided he wouldn't work anymore and we lost our home as well as his and my daughter's home. And there were many other incidences in his personality that were defective so your Dad will find that out if he moves in with one of his children and he gets more grief than he can imagine. He and his wife will live a lot longer in a positive atmosphere than a negative one.
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If Dad is capable of making the decision about where to live (as at least one child believes), then he really needs to reassign POAs to someone he trusts to look after his best interests.
If he's not capable of deciding, then his POA must act in his best interest or can be held legally responsible for negligence. Not an easy route to take, but something to hold over the POAs head to encourage him/her to do right.
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I just want to reply to the part about only wanting to move them once. I felt same way. Good friend advised me: You don't have to make decision right now about what is best for the rest of their lives. Make the decision that is best for them right now.
That really helped me.
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Would dad consider changing medical POA to you? Why is the estranged daughter in that role?
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I wish my father would agree to move into AL. We are currently in decision mode on a place that is about 1/2 the size of the space he currently has but he doesn't want to move. He currently lives alone and none of his children can accommodate him. He doesn't have 24/7 care like your parents do, which would be the decision maker for me. Your sister and BIL should welcome this decision because caring for your parents with dementia will be extremely difficult and they will come to resent it. There are plenty of posts on agingcare.com to illustrate.
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There are some really good responses on here. I think the person who said why not have Dad visit the daughter for a week or so and see whether it is a good fit is a good idea.  But I am more of the mind as most, that a facility sounds like the best.   But if deciding on a facility, definitely one that has Memory Care ALF and NH combined. Because one thing that I did not really see talked about, is that Dad may only have mild dementia now, but when it progresses, at least he would be in the same facility to go from AL to NH level of care.
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Why does his wife need to know if she has severe dementia, she won't remember for long anyway, no need to stress her, put some of her favourite items around her. My Mum has dementia and doesn't know, she knows she has lost a few marbles as she puts it and we just say we are looking for them. She laughs and is happy, giggling with her carers and making jokes. Put them in home, I wouldn't trust these estranged people at all, they have an ulterior motive, they might stop you seeing them and will have control over them. No way, trust your instinct and other comments on here. Good luck, look after yourself x
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I find it curious that medical POA was given to the "estranged" daughter. Did that happen before / during estrangement or after some sort of reconcilliation?
Also, not sure what the estrangement is based on, but I can tell you from experience, that living with and caring for parents with dementia and parkinson's is extremely challenging, time consuming, and stressful; even for children who have a really good relationship with the parents before becoming caretakers. Can't imagine that such intensive care-giving would work out well if the relationship is strained to begin with!
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i say to let them move in the assisted care place ..you have to realize that he will not remember what he is not to do or do from one day to the next ..he may remember for a while but i will tell you down the road he will not ..they get more violent to others down the road if he has not yet ..i know i argued with my mom a lot ..thru the yrs ..they are right when told they have dementia they have 7 yrs to live if the timing is right when told about it my mom past 1 month early from the time we have been told about it ..in part i guess has to do with the doctor or you or other family member notice it & take him to a doc & told ..sorry to say but it happens ..so do the best for him & then there will not be so much aggravation & aggitation & it might go smother for all & get all affairs in order & paid so no bills left to all cause they will want there money or threaten his wife or who ever gets left holding the bag it is best to get things in order before he goes ..we was lucky my mom had taken out a life insurance 5 or 6 yrs before she left .so good luck ....
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"That ploy to demand a mentally compromised man to make up his mind in one week?"

@HolidayEnd: You nailed it! Sibling did the same thing to my father. Downright cruelty.
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What’s happened to the OP?? No replies in several days.
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If the estranged family member does not want to take over their finances in a controlling autocratic way, than really what is the issue?

Both my parents did best when living at home with me and being taken care of by home health aids.

The assisted living facilities for people of average income can be depressing and dreary and staffed by low paid workers who really do not care about your parents.

I have never met an elderly person who would prefer to be in a facility rather than at home with a relative, when living with the relative is offered as an option,

What specifically is your concern about this arrangement?
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