Is it easier when you anticipate your LO's death?

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Is it easier when you anticipate your LO's death?

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Forgive the straightfoward question. I know grief is never easy but I am genuinely wondering is it easier when you anticipate your LO dying?

My dad died so suddenly and it was such a shock, my mom is on a roller coaster of being sick and getting better then sick again. Every day and night I anticipate a phone call from the hospital I know it won't be easy when the time comes but is it easier when you're anticipating it?

End of Life Grief Mental Health

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I am not sure .. I lost my love one just about a month ago … He had dementia and multiple other health issues .I knew he would pass in time ..He started his slippery slope 6 years ago ..I believe I have been grieving ever since . Attending Caregivers meetings have helped save my sanity .. With their help I understood what the future would bring .. I knew what to expect . I was able to prepare the best I could . I was able to keep him safe just about to the end . I watched him die a little each day ..The last 3 weeks were awful . By then he was no longer eating and could not swallow , he was in a nursing home . I knew he was at the end of his Journey , I visited every day . The last day of his life , I left at 3:00 and was called at 6:00 . It was his time , he passed .. 💔 For me , even though I was prepared , It was not easier.

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No death is never easy we all die so is the question how soon do you anticipate it. I was put in a position that required my wife to be put on hospice to get the care she needed. But there was a major turning point when she was told and acknowledged that she would not get better. After that I think she willed herself to die. She went to sleep one day a refused to wake up. She went 11 days before she died. Nurses could not believe it. To be honest it was agony to watch her go that long.

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In the past 5 years I have lost both parents and my sister to illnesses and a brother to sudden death. The first 3 were after lingering illnesses and while sad were a relief. My brother died in his sleep with no signs of ill health and is still a shock to think about.

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One went with cancer within 13 months, the other was on the rollercoaster and me at the controls (POA) for over 12 years.....
It's sad, and as my FIL kept telling his grandchild... This life is temporary... These bodies are not meant to live forever..
A friend had diabetes, was born with it, lived with it his whole life, and devoted to never having kids so they won't go through what he endured...
ON HIS BEHALF.... HIS MOTO: DEATH IS OK. And Death Is Okay.

We just need to understand that everyone is mortal... We do have a beginning and an End....
My first parent passing was a shock and I was not prepared even though I was told by a friend, my parent was a goner because you need a liver to live... My friend, I only new a few months just told it to me straight forward... Was it the right way? Perhaps, I am thankful he was truthful.. could've added some sprinkles on it... but no....
The roller coaster? After a while, you just want the ride to STOP... Stop and catch your breath... How long can you actually ride a roller coster? I could ride one for hours it seemed like when I was young...
I believe, the way or reason why it happens so you can either prepare yourself for a long time that this is going to happen; or it's taken away quickly, like a bandaid being ripped off you skin with the bits of arm hair stuck on it...
There is no right or wrong answer... This is personal, and nobody knows exactly what YOU are going through or had to.
If death comes at your LO from something other than organic, like health issues of some sort, mind or body... but from an outside issue.. than, that's a whole different topic and that I still cannot wrap my mind around it... but.. it happens, sadly...That is the hardest one to sort through...
So your dad died suddenly.. and mom is hanging on... you got to be there for her.. and she may still be suffering from the loss of her husband... and there is no time limit for grieving... It comes and goes, and hopefully, it will start to heal....and happy memories will come to surface.

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Something my mom always says when it comes to loved ones dying:

"You're never ready."

It doesn't matter if it's out of nowhere or if it's been anticipated for weeks, months, or a year or two. The shock and sadness will be there.

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You never really know exactly when, where, and how someone dies.

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It was definitely easier with my mom who declined for seven years than with my dad who went from vibrant and healthy to wasted away and gone in six weeks. He was also the first parent I'd lost, and even though they were both 88 at the time, I hadn't even thought about them dying yet.

Of course, my mom also had dementia for those seven years, and the mother I'd known had died long before her physical body gave out. That also made it somewhat easier.

I didn't really get to grieve for my dad because I went straight into being in charge of my mother, and she lasted another 2 1/2 years. It meant that my all-consuming sadness at losing both kicked in some months after Mom died.

I still think about them every day, and it's been almost five and two years now.

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No....you can anticipate the passing all you want, but, in my experience, all it did was prolong my agony.
I was my beloved mother's caregiver up to the end....and it was absolute torture to watch her day by day, grow weaker, then lose interest in eating, all that....it was horrible. She and I were super close all my life, and it felt that we were each other..hard to explain.
I'm now over 5 1/2 years out from losing her, and my life is just no longer the same. I exist, but my joy of life is gone for the most part.
If i didn't have Christ the Lord as my Risen Savior, and He keeps me going, I would have ended my life that first year without my dear, sweet mother.
So, No....to anticipate the loss, has a name, it's called, Anticipatory Grief. Grief is horrible in all its forms.
May the Lord be with your spirit. Shalom. 💜🕊💜✡️✝️💜🕊💜

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I figure that all deaths really boil down to 2 types:

The death you want and everybody else hates - you are healthy and die suddenly. For you there is very little suffering, but everybody else is not prepared for you to die. They feel a lot of pain and grief may take longer to heal.

The death you hate and everybody else is OK with. You have a long, slow slide downhill into death. You may be sick and suffer until finally you have no more life. Everybody else sees that death is a mercy for you - no more suffering or pain. Many of these other people can come to terms with their grief over your death since your life was painful. You hate this because you suffer until you die.

Since none of us know exactly what type of death we will experience, it is best to live each day to the fullest - as if it were your last. BUT, also prepare for a long life on earth.

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One friend of mine from high school experienced both deaths in a four year span.

She first lost her dad to a sudden heart attack.

She lost her mom to cancer and she was suffering from it during the final months of her life. The lump couldn't be surgically removed and I believe she was doing chemo. Her last good day was less than a week before she died.

Both of them died before turning 65. The father was 62. The mother was 64. The friend was 32 when her mom died. She and her husband announced they were expecting their first child four months after her dad passed. Her older sister was pregnant with her third child at that time and somewhat named the child after her father.

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I’m not sure it’s easier. My dad suddenly became ill, and spent the next 4 weeks dying. We still experienced shock and horror over his sudden decline from robust 73 year old taking cruises to dying man.

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I’m not sure about “easier” but it is different. Some of it probably depends on how long the anticipated end takes. You are already mourning by the time a loved one passes if you have been watching them leave in bits and pieces for a while, mourning for a long period of time so by the time their body actually passes maybe there is less mourning if that makes any sense. I can’t say that the longer drawn out process of watching and mourning is easier than mourning an unexpected passing though.

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I'm not sure what you mean by "easier." My kid sister was slowly dying over 4+ years from complications of very early onset Alzheimers. I "knew" there was only one end in sight and that it would come earlier versus later. I would idly speculate on how she would die - she was physically healthy and mobile until her last couple of months. When she finally went into hospice (at our home), I s[ent lots of time talking to her. I could not stop thinking about when "the" day would be. And, yes, there was relief when she finally passed, mostly that she was no longer suffering. However, the grief is no less - I miss her every single day and shed tears even after her passing almost 2 years ago. The hole in my heart is no less because I knew her time was limited.

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I did not experience relief after 10 years of my mom's slow decline. Only deep and lasting grief. My father's sudden death - suicide - was really different. Shock, wondering why there were no clues, or not seeing the clues, to not get to say to him how much he meant to me, etc. Mom, though, I got to know in a very different way. The intimacy of care giving, of learning how to navigate the changes that come with Alzheimer's, of becoming so important to her, becoming her everything, all that made it so much harder in a very different way. The long goodbye was very much better for me.

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I personally feel like a sudden death is always harder on family and friends.

It is much easier when we know that someone is dying. It’s still upsetting and we grieve even if we are expecting it but I feel that it is easier.

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Thank you all for the candid answers. Again knowing there are others in the same boat makes it slightly easier.

I know my mom is declining and not being able to talk to her, really talk to her, and get advice from her is the hardest part. She is in rehab care after a long 5 weeks in the hospital, but gets confused now and is so frail. I try my best to visit every day or every other day as time allows but it is all so depressing knowing your parent is probably not going to get better and more health issues will arise. But it's important for me to say each time "I love you, be good". I know it will bring me peace if she passes and I can't be there.

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Tryingmybest19: Thank you for your latest post.

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Tryingmybest19: No, the pain will still be there. I lost my father suddenly from a massive coronary at age 50 (a one night event). I lost my mother from an ischemic stroke at age 94 after days of being comatose. I am sorry for the loss of your father and send deepest condolences.

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I've had it both ways and equally the same heartache. One was murdered at the age of 49, so we were still young. A shocker that slammed everyone to the core. The other parent with us until age of 98. A few issues and getting weaker, however of very sound mind. So many people say it was wonderful to have her so long and they are able to just accept death. For me, no difference in the pain. It's a daily battle to live with out both of them. --Bless you on this journey.

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8/4/23 - 1:45P
From: ElizabethAR37
Edit: I realize that Mick isn't dead yet, but he just turned 80! Amazing given the rock 'n roll lifestyle. (Sure miss the "Edit" button.)

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For me, yes. I knew for over 10 years that it was very likely that my husband would predecease me because he was diagnosed with frontotemporal degeneration (and I knew there was something wrong for about a year prior to his diagnosis). He spent six years, four months in long-term care and we paid every dollar. He survived COVID-19 (and had a hospital stay where visits weren't allowed unless the patient was near death). He had another hospital stay about ten months after that and it was the beginning of the end. I authorized hospice care about a month after that and he only lived about two months after starting hospice (he returned to the nursing home). When he began hospice care, I asked one of his nurses how much more time he had. She said she'd been wrong before, but said she'd be pleasantly surprised if he would need hospice extended after the initial six-month period. I really appreciated her honesty. I was w/the hospice chaplain (who was a non-stipendiary priest w/our church) when he administered the Last Rites to my husband. May Alex like all faithful departed, rest in peace.

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Whenever I ask a health-care provider a question, I tell them, "And this conversation NEVER HAPPENED!"
They usually answer with 'what conversation?'.

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Well, as for my grandfather, I would say a little. He was 91 and he said it himself, he didn't want to stay here forever. He was strong and able to do whatever he wanted; it was just his time and he knew it. He kept asking my mom to get him to the VA hospital. Finally they were able to get him admitted and two days later he was gone.

Now, as for my wife, she had been sick for about 12 years. Every year things would grow worse and there would be some type of major sickness, all because of diabetes. The last year of her life was very hard on her. I knew she couldn't continue to live like this. On the outside she looked like the picture of health but diabetes had done and was doing a number on her organs. Long story short, I got that call while I was at work telling me to get to the hospital. She had coded three times and once more while I was there. After talking with the doctors and my parents I had to sign a DNR. I asked God if he wasn't going to heal her, please don't let her suffer. Less than a min later my best friend of 26 years and wife of 18 years was gone at 42 years old. It's been almost two years and the pain I feel everyday is unimaginable at times. My chest hurts, I get nauseated and it gets hard to breath. I knew this day was coming but, never have I ever experienced so much mental, emotional, and physical pain.

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So sorry for your loss, but no one can force a loved one to sign a DNR. Perhaps you thought it was the best thing to do, but no one can *make* the loved one do it. Please find a grief support group (never too late), and find a way to carry on. You might also consider seeing a mental health counselor/ therapist. It's normal to feel intense grief for about a year after losing a loved one, but after that, it's probably depression, which is treatable. If you don't know any therapists or counselors, ask your primary care provider or priest/minister/rabbi/imam for recommendations. Good luck.

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I think it is definitely easier. You can slowly start to imagine what life will be like afterwards and think of ways to cope. There is also the relief when final peace is given.

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Hello, Trying..19

My dad died in a heart breaking way sudden. It was the first of the most awful things that can happen in life.

I anticipate with much sadness and sometimes tears the day my mom is no longer with me, I hate even writing about it really or mentioning it, but it doesn't stop me from thinking what a life without her will be like. I already know what a life without one parent is like and life has never been the same afterwards; oh year, the heartbreak eventually subsides over the years, only after it's taken it's toll mentally and maybe physically through health problems, but life wasn't the same afterwards. I anticipate it will be the same after my mom.

Anticipating it or not anticipating it, it will hurt and be a heartache in the end. I don't mind anticipating because I can reflect on what my mom means to me and I can be closer to her while she's still with me.

Sometime I anticipate it and think the same is going to happen to me, to all of us, except there probably won't be anyone anticipating my end. In that way everyone's parents passing away is different, in most cases, no one will ever love you like your parents, and after they're gone (or lose their cogitative ability) you'll never get that kind of love ever again.

I suppose the only situation it is a different story is when someone is terminally ill, then anticipating it comes anyway, doesn't make the pain any less, but sometimes people end up a little more at ease knowing any pain the terminally ill were going through has ended.

Some people lose the person while they're still living because the person they love has lost their cognitive ability, then you're just living with their physical presence, but remembering all the good times before. For most people the physical presence still means a lot and the anticipation does not make it any better afterwards, but like terminal illness after the person has passed, the soul is free and people are generally at ease thinking at least that person is not locked in their own mind.

My view is anticipating doesn't make it any better, unless in one of the situations I've mentioned. I anticipate now I'm going to be completely heartbroken for many years, I don't think anything will change that for me. When you have a support network of kids and family it can ease the pain than when you're single person, because with kids and family, people have to get on with daily life quicker, than the single person mulling over it.

Take care.

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Just to add to the anticipation, and I've written about this before, I anticipate the difficulty of not only the loss but having to share that loss with siblings I don't get along with (I can't stand). A double-stress situation for different reasons that I'm dreading even now. One would think siblings would be the closest relationship people ever have in life, and maybe for many they are, but in my situation they ended up being one of the biggest nightmares, so much so that anticipating the loss also invokes other feelings.

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Not necessarily. all grief is highly personal and, may be affected by multiple " bereavement risk factors". Starting some grief support now may be helpful to take a look at your past grief associated with father, your present grief watching mother decline and your anticipatory grief associated with expected death and perhaps how all of these are impacting you now. A Board Certified Grief Counselor or other credentialed counselor specialist in grief can be helpful.

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No I’m my case it gets harder as the level of care increases. More and more of your life gets put on hold. Sounds terrible but you hope for the day when they can stop suffering.

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My life was being a caretaker for many years. Maybe it was on hold, but I didn't fee that way. I never hoped for suffering to end, but for her to have relief and keep her. Reality says you don't live forever, but my heart can't be a peace with that. Never would have had enough time with her.

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My mom at age 93, went peacefully and quietly. I would wish such a calm passing on anyone. We weren't surprised, but taken aback, a little, as she had almost no signs of impending death.

We are now entering month 7 of the high drama that has been my MIL's experience in Hospice. She is slowly, so slowly going that it's making us all irritable and snappy. We've been on the 'she's going to pass within a week' about 4 times so far, and she always rallies and while is not any 'better', is still here.

This entire year has been devoted to her care and well being, at the detriment of the emotional well being of a lot of people--mostly her 3 kids, who are not young themselves. She demands, they produce. As an in law, with no say in her care, it's been incredibly depressing. My DH is depressed and often spends the day after his 'shift' with his mother in bed, or watching TV all day long. He's not handling this well at all.

People can live too long. They are miserable, the family is miserable and by the time they actually do die--the sense of relief can be almost, well, embarrassing.

As hard as a 'surprise' death it--it is SO MUCH more preferable to a long, drawn out drama. Since we don't get to choose, we just have to roll with the punches. I certainly would prefer the way my mom went over the way my MIL is going.

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I know, we are all miserable over here too. My mother is declining ever so gradually but is not dying. She started complaining again about living too long yesterday. I told her that it was a stupid thing to say and we are all playing the hand she and my father dealt us by not putting their affairs in some order.

At least Medicaid came through and my father’s needs are now met. That has cut my stress level in half.

Hopefully the hospice nurse shows up soon so I can get out of here for the rest of the day.

My mother is turning 95 in a few weeks. I found a birthday card for this dubious occasion. I bought two, one for my father too. How many people do that?

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No, it is never easy! The best way to handle it is to be with them as much as possible and to know you did everything you could to help them and let them know how much you love them. Make whatever time she has left as happy as possible.

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it's not any better i'm sorry to say - it brings relief though! the death means a definate end you will not see that person again, it does take time to process and eventually we do. I want to say God Bless You!

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My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. However, she didn't want any treatment so decided against the painful biopsy. After several months the doctor did another set of tests and decided she didn't have it. However, during those months we had a lot of anticipatory grief. We talked about her memories and her childhood. I read up on the stages of grief.

It's hard but don't let anticipatory grief rob you of today.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your father's sudden death. Your mother misses her late husband.

My father was on hospice for five months and passed away at age 91 following a fractured hip from a fall.

My mother suffered several health problems for the last ten years of her life. It was relief she died plus with bipolar mental illness. She was 95.

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I feel your pain. My mother is 100 and keeps falling. I have run over to her Memory Care place so many times, I can't even count. She is still mobile (with a walker) but getting weaker and weaker. My phone rings at all hours when they call me to tell me she fell again, I just keep thinking I am getting "that call". However, she heals and gets better. And then she falls again and we start all over.

I have a vacation coming up with my husband (who has been so patient with all this) and I hate to cancel it but I am afraid to leave her for even a week. I was asked by a friend what I am afraid of? I told her I don't want my mother to die alone. She replied, she can die alone when you are at home or away, you can't control this. But the guilt is so heavy.
I have planned everything (funeral wise) for when she goes, but it's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is very hard for all of us here.

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I hope you enjoy that well earned vacation with your husband.

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When my sister lost her husband after a several year caregiving journey, as a caregiver for my husband she answered me this way…

You can imagine it as much as you want, all day long, but it will be nothing like you imagined!

Meaning each experience will be unique so there is no way to imagine what it will really be like. So as mentioned, you can at least try to be prepared with as many end-of-life decisions made financially, etc. and try to make things a bit easier afterwards. This goes especially for the younger folks who think it won’t happen to them anytime soon.

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Is it easier when you anticipate your LO's death?

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