I am a devout Christian and minister who has/had the responsibility for the care of my aging parents. Both Mom and Dad have spent the past several years in a nursing home, when it became unsafe to keep them in the home any longer. My dad passed in December, and my mother is in her 11th year of Alzheimer's. For the past four years she has been non-verbal and non-responsive. All her food is pureed and fed to her.
After my dad's passing I found my Mom's Living will which states that she does not want nutrition and hydration to "artificially" extend her life.
I am looking for counsel and advice. I have absolute certainty about her eternal destination, as I did with my dad. I did not/ do not fear the death of my parents, and I am at peace. I am uncertain about the morality of removing food and hydration from my mother, even though I suspect that it would be her wish.
Before I forget, please know your mom can hear you even though she can't respond. Many don't realize this and talk abrout things that would be better said outside the room. I kicked a doctor out of my dads room because she was talking like he wasn't there. (Old nurses can be b*tchy, can't we?)
I think it boils down to how you interpret the word "artificial". Your mom is still swallowing and that is a normal human way of eating, even though she has to be fed.
I think 'artificial means' would be tubes and IV's. When you feed a baby his meal on a spoon, is that artificial? What if your mother was healthy but had no arms to feed herself?
Now, if your mom is keeping the food pocketed in her cheeks or couldn't/wouldn't swallow, then a decision would need to be made for "artificial" feeding methods.
I was in your shoes a few years ago. My dad had a stroke-couldn't swallow but was still alert. They put in a feeding tube. He had 2 more deviatating strokes and was unresponsive. His body was shutting down and his feeding liquid would not empty into his intestines. If the stomach won't empty its contents, you can't force more in. He died a few days later.
I'm sorry for your mom and you. May God give you the right decisions.
I feel very strongly that this is a disease that robs its victims of control over their own lives, and to take away their final requests, what these dementia victims took great care to "control" in their last moments of sanity, is just cruel and in fact immoral. A gastric feeding tube, antibiotics, or hydration may make us feel better, but simply prolongs the life of the sufferer unnaturally, in a way that they themselves have specified they do not want. How sad. Surely we can give our loved ones the dignity of letting their last wishes be carried out.
Regardless of my views or yours, I wish all of you Godspeed in dealing with this terrible disease.
My own sister made the decision December 14th of last Year, dear, to "Pull the plug " on ou5r dying Mother. It is something she has to live with but with God's Guidance each day, it is the kindest most humane thing anyone can do, especially when it is at their Request.
My blessings go out to you.
My wife experienced 25 or so urinary tract infections over two years time, and was unresponsive to the antibiotics on the final attack and we decided to have her go to hospice. She entered hospice on a Thursday afternoon and died peacefully just 30 hours later. The family all gathered at her bedside all day on her last day on earth and had a wonderful time singing hymns, recalling old times and loving on her and one another. So my opinion is that it is ethical to allow the patient to die peacefully when he/she is no longer capable of recovering, per physician opinion.
Grace + Peace, Bob
It is always difficult to stop life sustaining offerings. But if she doesn't show any response to the food or drink, caregivers may not push it.
Because hospice was ordered, we were able to not "prolong" the inevitable. It didn't mean we were unkind, but it did mean that we did not have a feeding tube or give unnecessary meds or treatments. Hospice was able to provide comfort measures which included swabbing mom's mouth with liquid, keeping her lips moist, and giving her necessary liquid pain medication and/or a pain patch.
My dad was really concerned about Mom not getting food or beverages, but once I explained to him that her body was shutting down and really didn't want or need food and drink, he accepted it and agreed that this was the best for her. (This also became the "story" for my dad in his last days.)
The last meal I served my mom was at the hospital, and even then, she really didn't want the yogurt or pureed foods that I offered. She was tired, and she knew her earthly life was coming to and end. (Your mom may also feel this way, and may make it very clear to you that she doesn't want food or drink.)
So, in my feeble attempts, I'm trying to say that if you haven't considered getting hospice on board, now is a good time. Hospice groups do vary, and you may need to do a little research first. The one we chose had wonderful, godly people who shared our view of earthly life and eternal life. The nurses, the Social worker, and even the chaplain were so helpful and supportive of this difficult time in our family's journey. I can never say enough words of praise and gratitude for these saints who traveled with us and guided us down this path.
I will pray that God gives you His peace (John 14:27); His wisdom (that He promises, James 1:5); and His comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I look forward to meeting you, your mom, your dad and introducing you to my mom and dad!
You should educate yourself if you counsel others. Their body is shutting down , it doesn’t desire or need food or drink because it’s not utilized it anymore. The hospice care givers keep them comfortable by keeping their mouths moist . It is far from assisted suicide. They are dying whether you can accept it or not.
If your Mom is not on Hospice you should make a call I think they would help you a lot.
If the person is not eating or drinking to give them food or fluids can cause more harm than good. If she is still eating the pureed food and drinking thickened fluids then continue on. Once she stops eating, she closes her mouth and no longer responds to the cues to open her mouth then you know it is her wish not to eat. You can try a few more times but don't force it.
In the last stages of life the body does not process food or fluids, it does not need the food or fluids. Since the body is not processing any food given may just sit in the stomach or gut and begin to decompose causing pain.
As a person is "Actively Dying" the body is doing 2 things it is keeping the heart beating and the the lungs breathing. Even those 2 tasks are difficult and you may see or hear that the breathing stops, heart bet becomes irregular or very slow.
Since the body does not use the food the person will not show signs of hunger. Fluids can be used with a swab to keep the mouth moist but to give someone something to drink may cause fluids to enter the lungs creating a bigger problem.
At this point keep your loved one comfortable, hold their hand, tell them that you love them. tell them that you will be alright, the family will be alright and give them permission to go.
update: Mom is not refusing food, but is hand fed specially prepared food as her swallowing is impaired.
Your comments and my further searches haves helped me to determine that “artificial” likely means a “feeding tube.” Her advanced directive would refuse both a feeding tube and any IVs for hydration.
So long as she still accepts hand fed food, I will ensure she has the opportunity to eat. If she refuses at any meal that is her choice, and I will instruct the caregivers to honor her disposition, and not overly encourage, or force her to eat.
Thanks for you help.
Grace & Peace
Tnekver62
When we start the dying process, our bodies start to shut down. First thing is we can't swallow. We no longer feel thirst or hunger. If they try to feed you, the body can no longer absorb nutrients so feeding doesn't help. My daughter is an RN in a rehab/NH facility. She told me to never allow a feeding tube for my 89 year old Mom with Dementia. Better to allow nature to takes its course. If a tube is put in, its hard to get it removed. Because the medical field feels you now are starving the person.
If you don't have hospice, have them come in and evaluate Mom. They can tell you if her time is coming. Really, do you want to prolong her life. She left a long time ago. Her soul is just waiting to be released. Its hanging by a thread. Hospice does not withhold if the person still wants to eat and drink. They just won't force feeding. Mom will be kept comfortable and pain free. Two weeks before Mom passed she closed her eyes. Could respond to people talking and she was taken to the common area during the day. Then, she couldn't swallow. Then she wouldn't get out of bed. I chose Hospice to come in. My daughter checked Mom out and agreed. She passed six days later. Miss her, yes the person she was, not what she had become. My Mom knew she would go to heaven so I am at peace.
Personally---I would wonder what kind of QOL she has? Unresponsive? So she is unaware that anyone is there? And she's not "getting better"....just...alive.
I am SO grateful that I have made my EOL decisions so clearly with my children. I do not want "life" at the cost of no dignity and simply existing. But that's me.
Asking if it's 'moral, ethical, permissible' to take away food and hydration? In my opinion--keeping her alive, simply alive with no hope for better days ahead---is not moral nor ethical. It's a fine line--and we all look at this differently. We all have different moral compasses. I would personally not keep my own mother in that state for long. We did not keep daddy in that state for long, either.
I am glad for you that you have your faith to sustain you. I don't fear dying and l personally hope to not outlive my "sell by" date. This is why we entrust our most trusted family/friends to be in charge of EOL for us.
Ask yourself what mom really wants? Sounds like her will was pretty certain she wouldn't want to be kept alive like this--but it's your call.
I guess my opinion is greatly informed by a few experiences in my life. On was over two decades ago when a friend was gravely ill. Pneumonia had gone to Sepsis. His immune system was also seriously comprised by AIDS. Those were still early days of effective treatment.
The family was rushed in as he was not expected to live 12-24 hours. He was on IVs and a ventilator.
After spending much of the day with his closest friends, till family could arrive I went home. During that time they gave him dialysis to clear the toxins from his system as he was in multiple organ failure.
I stopped by the hospital 3 or 4 days later, having heard no news. I was very surprised to find he was still a patient. As I walked to his room, I went past the interior courtyard. There he was, in his gown, still on IVs, soaking up some sun. What a shock!
He had a full recovery and many active years. Eight years later, he died at home in his sleep after a brief illness.
Had the doctors not been so aggressive in giving him every possible chance, he would have died many years before he had to. Missed out on so much active life, including being able to marry his fiance.
Now he did not have a debilitating brain disease, but at the time, AIDS treatment was to prolong, not cure the disease. ( For those who are wondering, his spouse was and is disease free).
My heart really goes out to you in your situation. Life is full of difficult decisions. May the Lord guide you and give you peace.
I just wanted to make sure that she ate but really she had just had enough and its your Moms decision. I do not think food should be removed though just try to give her a little bit
Many people and some have made the decision for no feeding tubes or IV fluids. Straight Ensure or similar drinks can be very hard on the stomach, in my personal experience. Diluting then with milk, ice, or Silk can help a lot.
My friend who allowed oxygen, thickened water to aid in swallowing, ice chips, even sucking on a soaked wet rag, helps with hydration. Biotene gel, again in my personal experience works 10 times better than the mouth gel hospitals and NHs use.
Offer small amounts of food frequently. If feasible, help her do passive exercises, a PT can guide you on this, as it will help her digestive tract. Even 'empty calories' of candy, small shavings of fudge, etc, are calories. Again dilute & offer small amount frequently, then let her rest.
Asit sounds like she is Not refusing pain meds, having something on her stomach is really important to her comfort and ability to tolerate the pain medication. Anything to help her metabolism, like stool softeners, if she can swallow them, or Miralax in her favorite flavor of fluids should be a regular part of her routine, to help her be more comfortable.
Gently discuss that this is why you are offerering these items, for her comfort! If she refused, let her rest, address any mouth dryness or digestive issues, and offer again.
Finally my Mom had signed a DNR if there was no reasonable chance of recovery, and didn't want a feeding tube. Dad was in denial and while most hospitals had it on file, she was at a new hospital for her final heart attack. He never remembered to bring in the paperwork. He was a Christian and a lawyer, for what that says. Who is gonna sue him, us kids, Mom if she lives? Dad was competant, so the alternate POA could not override him, just talk to him.
I was there when a very self empowered and aggressive RN pinned her down while the other forced the feeding tube down through her nose. She was on blood thinners and vigerously resisted. They over inserted the tube and had to back it out 1/3 after an x-ray. She had acesties, and bleed easily from her esophagus. The blood flowed into her lungs causing acute pneumonia. This extra pressure on her heart and lungs killed her.
So be present, and insist on observing her care, feedings, and any procedures. The rest is prayer, and put it in God's hands.
Simple advice: If there is something you can do about it today, that is your job...like posting here for guidance. If not, for today, it is God's job! Leave it in his hands.
May Our Lord's Wisdom be with you!
Thank you you for bringing up this hard topic, as it helped me think through my own plan.