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Some back history here. My dad recently passed away from heart issues so my aging mom moved in with my brother and his family in another state. It seemed like all was going good, but after three months she is returning back to my home state to live with my sister. Apparently there were issues with one of my brother's kids and his wife. My mom has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so is basically chair bound all day and can be very demanding and needy. I chatted with my sister today and she mentioned that we all need to help out. I immediately went on a small rant about the fact that I know I could never live with my mom under the same roof. So if helping out means we take turns having her live with us then I'm not able to do that. I love my mom and she loves me and I want to keep it that way. The problem is I feel guilty feeling that way.


A little back ground on me so people won't think I'm selfish and self centered. I was married almost 22 years. My wife died of bile duct cancer nine years ago. During her seven year battle of two surgeries, chemo, and radiation I took care of her religiously. I even quit working when her illness required I drive her to Seattle every day for her treatments. When she passed I had mental issues for over two years. Horrible anxiety and depression.


Fast forward to this year. My dad was having late stages of heart failure because of a heart attack he had years ago. for the last six months of his life I drove to his home and took him to all his appointments. Worked around his house, took care of mom's needs etc. I'm still caring for their place as mom decides what to do with it all.


So anyway, it's not that I'm a selfish person and don't want my mom living with me because I'm selfish. Geez my 22 year old son still lives with me and I'm still supporting him financially as he goes to college. I just know it would be a really bad idea to live under the same roof and take care of her. I know what I can tolerate, and I know my moms personality. I work in construction all day and to come home beat down and tired only to fulfill all moms needs and wishes she accumulated while I was gone would wear me out. Also, I'm an extremely private person that requires alone time every day to process things and be happy. I also suffer from OCD which would not be a good thing if mom was living here.


I just want to get her into a permanent place of her own where she can have her own space and maybe daily visits from a caregiver and her different kids. I will bend over backward to help my mom and my history of taking care of people proves that. I just can't shake the feeling in my stomach knowing I wouldn't want her to live with me.


Thanks for letting me vent.

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You do not need to justify your need to not live with your mom here. It is ok, no need to feel guilty. Some people have it in them to be a caregiver, some do not and that is ok. You had your turn, besides.

What you can do is offer help to your sister to find the needed care situation for mom. Be very clear with her what you are willing to do.
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I am not going to spend any time here trying to make you think I am not a selfish person. If you think I am selfish, that is fine. I honestly couldn't care less. I DO know how I am. I know what I am capable of. And I know what I am NOT capable of.
I am the sister of the best brother in the entire world. I am 77 and he is 85. He is this year diagnosed with an probably early Lewy's Dementia, and a brain tumor that presses on his medulla. This has forced an entry into Assisted Living by a man who really is so very much more "with it" than most there.
The one thing I DO know in all of the many things I do NOT know about our uncertain future is that I am not capable of living with my brother and doing hands on care giving. It occurred to me for I would say a nanosecond. In that nanosecond I said "If you were any kind of a person you would now move to (his city) and get the condo next to his, and care for him the rest of your lives." Then that thought went poof and I re-entered reality. In truth I would not have been capable age 50 either. Or likely 40, 30, 20. As a matter of fact I find it difficult enough to live with my good partner, who is perfectly well both physically and mentally.
I spent my life as a nurse and I loved it. But 24 hour care giving was not something I could have done my best days on earth. Caring for family is MUCH more difficult than caring for patients. There is so much "stuff", so much "luggage" and such quickness to take offense, to disagree, to be free to melt down into childlike bickering.
So, in short, it isn't for me. I can apologize all I like for my inadequacies. It doesn't change them.
Were I in your position I would be perfectly capable of saying "I am uncertain of what you mean by 'We all need to help out', but I should warn you NOW that if it in any way means taking Mom into my home I am NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THAT, nor do I intend to try; I am all for having some family meetings as this goes along. But I will at this point in my life not be taking on more than I feel capable of. And to tell you the truth, sad and selfish it may sound, but I am capable now of very little. I am very sorry. I am sure you will want to sit in judgement of me, and I would invite you to do so and enjoy it. But what I am telling you is the simple fact, as straight forward as I am able, and with as much honesty. I might wish I were a Saint, but I am not. I am a flawed human being who has learned my limitations".
That would be me.
Now I give you pen and paper and I invite you to practice YOUR truth.
We need to start being honest about the fact that we are not super human fix-its. Welcome to the world of the horrifically flawed, minimally capable, limping along best as we can, wishing we were more.
Best of luck. Please update when you have time.
And please, don't spend a whole lot of wasted angst on those who wish to sit in judgement of you. You have earned more creds than I could ever even begin to IMAGINE, and you don't deserve that kind of pain.
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nature73 Aug 2019
As a fellow nurse who's retired, I say "Amen. sister"! You response is very eloquent & speaks the truth
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Not having her live with you is the BEST decision you can make. You’ve put in your time already with caring for your beloved wife; I am sorry for your loss. Please please stand your ground regarding mom no matter what kind of guilt trip your relatives throw at you.
I have come to realize that part of the problems with me living with caring for my mom is simply we are at to very different points in our lives and they do not mesh harmoniously at all. Plus the fact my mom is a narcissistic negative woman doesn’t help. Caring for her , I mean being her unappreciated slave keeps my own sanity teetering, nobody wants that.
DO NOT do it! Best of luck to you.
susan
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Yes, yes, yes: what AlvaDeer said! Don’t do it. What your brother and SIL found out is it is NOT easy to care for an elderly person, and the losers in the situation were them and the kids.
I think you sell Mom’s place and use funds to get her into a living center that can help with daily needs. Right now she has bad arthritis and she will continue to worsen with other ailments as she continues to age. I tried to have my mother live with me...and found out I couldn’t and wouldn’t sacrifice my life, relationships, privacy, and time I have left on the planet to cater to her, when she chooses to not help herself. Oh year, and she set a fire in the kitchen and that was the day we had the CTJ meeting. You are NOT selfish. You are not a bad person. Take care of you.
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Don’t do it! Mom has lived with me since 2005. May start out okay but trust me everything changes. It’s hard. Very hard.

I am in the middle of trying to decide what to do to improve things for us. Please look into other options. Parents living in your home adds so much stress. It really does.

My daughter is in her last year of college too. Your son takes priority. My daughter does not live at home. She’s an hour away. I hardly get to see her because I have to be available for mom.

Having your mom with you will leave you no privacy!
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Alva,

Do you think being a nurse has caused you to have more insight on how hard caregiving is? I think so. I know I walked into my situation blindly.
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AlvaDeer Aug 2019
Hee hee, NeedHelp, I doubt it. I loved all my patients,even the ones that tried to lob me one with the cane (that was Stella). It was so easy explaining them to families and families to them, and then GOING HOME.
To tell you the truth I have NEVER found it easy to live with others. I am crazy about my brother. Living with him? After two weeks I am a madwoman. I am crazy about my partner. He drives me mad. I had the best parents in the world; they drove me mad. I just don't play well with others, I guess. I am a bit of a loner, a bit of a recluse, a bit of a neat freak, a bit OCD and great when in control,but if anxiety hits I melt into a puddle looking a whole lot worse than wicked witch of the west. Put all that together and who could live with ME, let alone me live with THEM.
I think it is the hardest thing we do. When it is family we pick up every piece of luggage they sit in front of us. We try to fix everything. We try to change them (for their own good of course) and they try to do the same to us, and grab all OUR luggage, too.
Human relationships are absolutely fascinating to me. I always think I have the answer to everyone else's problem, and of course I can't think my own way out of my own boxes even if there is a door on every side.
I think that those who "enter blindly" are the "romantics" of the world. They are the ones who think it is possible for things to go well. They are the optimists who see with rosey glasses. And life is very cruel to the romantics. I think there isn't anything so brokenhearted as a "failed romantic".
I guess I am a pessimist. I kind of expect the worst. Meaning I am sort of happy most of the time because either I am RIGHT--it IS the worst, OR it turns out better than my pessimistic self thought it could, which means I am ecstatic.
Go figure. We are all impossible, we human beings.But the amazing thing is how hard we TRY.
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I would commit Hari Kari before I had my mother move in with me. She has ruined enough of my life, finally said "No More". I will find a nice place for her to live, that is as far as I will go.
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 2019
Good for you!
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I certainly can understand why you would not want your mom living under the same roof - it does not mean you are selfish or don't love her, not at all.  You are two separate people with different personalities and needs. That is just the way life is. You are willing to help, but not in that way.  I think your idea of finding a permanent place for mom is a good one. You are wise to know your limitations and hers too.
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Keizer, You are a caring person that’s for sure. You have been through a lot. You don’t say how old your mom is. As to having your mom move in with you do not feel guilty about not wanting her to live with you. She sounds like she might need full time care and will need someone with her most of the time. Living with and caring for an elder parent who is disabled is nothing less to say the least taxing on the care giver. I hate to say but your sister will see that if your mom moves in with her. You have no reason to feel guilty. Is there any money available for her to move to an assisted living situation? That could be your best bet. She will get the care she needs and the family can visit anytime. Just a thought.
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Keizer, I know I felt guilty not wanting to be a hands-on caregiver until I read this article:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

Thus, with my parents I decided I was suited for logistical stuff. And even that was overwhelming at times. But I was close to your Mom's age [I see from your profile she is 74], so I was senior trying to care for parents in their 90's. Pure exhaustion. Thank goodness we weren't under the same roof. My Mom wanted the temp in the house to be 80 something all year round. Chances are my parents would have outlived me just with that one issue if I had lived there :P

My Dad even asked for me to resign from my career. Say what? I not only needed that salary, but I needed the company offered health insurance [I wasn't 65 yet], plus the match 401(k) for my retirement, etc. Nope, I held firm on not leaving my job.
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Follow your gut. You already know where your boundaries are.
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Keizer: I am in agreement with the others that recommend NOT having your mother move in, for the same reasons. There are other ways to offer support, such as exploring senior living facilities, having visits, and offering financial support (no matter how small) etc. My sister-in-law's mother is in Independent Living. There are 3 brothers & my sister-in-law - guess who manages everything? The daughter. I know that if these man-children would put forth ANY kind of effort to help out it would be most appreciated by my SIL & she wouldn't be so stressed. But no, it all falls on her. So no, don't move her in with you, but offer & give support whenever you can. And don't expect your sibs to be happy about it, but it's all you can do & that's enough. God bless.
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Don't have her live with you. You already know that it would not work for you and your son. She'll need care while you're at work plus everything she's planned out for you to do after you get home from a long day at work. Construction is not easy work, hard on the body, and you need down time too. This arrangement will drive you over the edge when it comes to your OCD. Believe me, if MIL and her clutter drives me batty I can only imagine what it would be like for you, impossible to live with. You have done the right thing by informing your sister upfront that you can not have mom live with you. RA is not a fun disease, many things she could do for herself before she probably can not do now or in the near future. Dressing, showering, assistance using the bathroom, feeding, the list goes on depending on how far the RA has progressed, what medications she is on, and how well it is working to slow down the disease. She will get to the point she will need fulltime 24x7 care for even the simplest of tasks. You are not home, you need to take care of you, your son depends on you. Yes he's 22, but he's also a college student trying to find his way. Even after graduating he may (will) still need your support until he establishes himself in the workforce. How would it work with all of you under one roof? I can guess, not too comfortably. You've been keeping up on mom's house and yours so it's not like you are not involved, only admitting what you are unable to do. Mom may be better off in an assisted living environment where she can be social and cared for. If your sister insists on caring for her at home, maybe look into programs that can help mom there. Do not berate yourself for knowing that you can not live under the same roof, it takes alot to admit it and stand firm on that knowledge. As far as being "selfish", um no. You took care of your wife, your dad, and your moms house (which you still do). Don't let your siblings browbeat you into something that wont work. Answer 2 questions, is it safe for her to be alone for extended periods of time, is it going to make either one of you happy to be in the situation. Good luck and hang in there. Stick to your guns and know that there are some really good resources on this site.
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I say, go up and read AlvaDeer again. Those words say it all.
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Don't feel guilty, it is okay to say no to your mom living with you. I will never live under the same roof as my mom, ever! You are smart to know yourself and your mom and to see that it would never work.
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I came home from dealing with MIL one day and my BP was 190/110. I was able to meditate, take it again and it went down. I decided right then that she would never live with us because it might actually mean I would die. Being honest with yourself about what you can deal with is a mature response. There are other options. If siblings are committed to sharing the care, then talk to them about contributing in other ways. Can you be the person that drives her to appointments or maybe takes care of all the paper work? that is a huge job by itself.
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You ARE helping out. You’re taking care of Mom’s house. As others have said here & on other forums, “helping out” means many things & not just the hands-on care. My husband went thru the same thing with his family. His mom moved in with her daughters (who live together) after the father died, leaving my husband to deal with the house. A hoarders’ house with 2 hoarders’ sheds, filthy to the point we considered hazmat suits. Yet his sisters claimed he wasn’t helping out! Say what?

I would read to him from here & it gave him the strength to set boundaries and stick with them. Of course his siblings don’t like it but oh well.....

Please stick to your guns — you have every right to live your life as you wish. Your home is your sanctuary & you want — no, need — to keep it that way.
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Keizer Aug 2019
I feel your pain. I took on the responsibility of cleaning up my dads detached garage after he died to get things ready for an estate sale. His aging cat had been living inside and pooped everywhere in there. I would literally stand outside, take a deep breath and hold it, and run in with a shovel to clean up the cat droppings. Then run back out dry heaving from the smell.
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Keizer I admire You because You tell it like it is. Of coarse it is ok not to want Your Aging Mom to move in with You. I know from reading Your Post that You are a really kind and good caring Man, and It is far better to leave Your Family know that You will not be able to Care for Your own home, than to end up sick and miserable and full of regret.
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I have yet to meet a person who was glad they moved "Mom" in.
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CaregiverL Aug 2019
Upstream...how true!!!Lol 😂
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Very good and honest answer.
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You question should have been, what kind of help. Then your answer, this is what I can do. Then if sister gets uppity u remind her that you took care of ur wife, father and now are caring for Moms house. But that is hindsight.

Apologize to sister but set boundries. Tell her you are willing to do what you can but if taking Mom in, that won't happen. Your job is too physically demanding to come home and have to wait on someone hand and foot. You could spend a weekend so sister can get away.

I do think its time Mom makes a decision on her house. The money she uses for utilities, upkeep and taxes could go for her care. Sell her house. Make sure u get a good price in case Medicaid is needed in the future. Put the money in an interest bearing acct. I could then have a contract written up that Mom pay rent to ur sister. (Will need this for Medicaid) You nor your sister should be out of pocket. Moms SS and any pension should cover her expenses. Like prescriptions, supplimental insurance if on Medicare, special foods, clothing ect. I am big on if they have money, thats spent first before I spend mine.

My MIL was always crying poor to me. But, she could always buy a new purse and shoes. Said she had been wearing the same clothes for 20 yrs. Doubt that, she had lost 30lbs. Joined those CD, DVD and video clubs. Found lots of them never opened. Joined those figurine clubs. When she passed my BIL found she had $48,000 in CDs. He had given her money for a new pump because "she didn't have it". She tried to get it from my husband but he didn't take the bait.

Sell the house and find a nice AL for Mom using the proceeds.
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Well, I spent some time writing my sister a really long email and just sent it this morning. It outlined all the things I'm capable, and willing to do to help out with mom. I appreciate all those who responded to my thread. I actually feel wiped out and have a knot in my stomach since yesterday when I found out mom is coming back home. I really thought it was working in MN. I've come to the conclusion that its never a good idea to have an aging parent move in with you. Actually I don't think its a good idea to have any friend or family move in with you for any long period of time aging or not. My wife's gramma once said that house guests who out stay their welcome start to smell like bad fish.
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againx100 Aug 2019
Good for you! That must be a huge relief! I wonder what her response is going to be?? I hope it is as thoughtful as your message to her. If not, take a deep breath, count to 100 and realize you can't/won't agree on everything but have to come to some common ground. Through compromise which works great with 2 people willing to communicate honestly and maturely.

So sorry that your mom is going back home. Does that mean she is living alone? Doesn't sound like a long term plan. Sounds like she needs to much help for that to really be an option.

I'm sure you are wiped out - this is not easy stuff to deal with. Takes a lot out of you.

Living with others is a challenge. My mom lives with me and hubby. She's not terribly needs but it is still hard. I am like you - need quiet and downtime, etc. She would love to chatter all day and I just not wired that way. Anyhow, best of luck and keep us posted!
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If you do not want someone, even your mom, to move in with you, do NOT do it. It does NOT make you a bad person, not at all. You're honest about your limitations, and that is a good thing.

Sounds like she'd be best off, as you said, in a permanent place of her own. Assisted living? Or if she needs more care, a SNH. Will your siblings get on board with this idea? I think it would be a win-win. Would you be willing to be in charge of the work of finding a place, etc.? Does anyone have POA or is mom able to make these decisions for herself? Time for a family meeting?
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That's FINE.

It's also MUCH better than being unrealistic about it or, worse, fabricating reasons why it can't be done that lay the blame at somebody else's door. Just look around the forum to see how often that happens!

There are plenty of other ways that you can "pull together" with your siblings. Could you stand your mother if you were under your sister's roof for, say, an evening or a weekend every so often? - if so, then you could offer to "mother-sit" while your sister takes a break.

Or, you could offer to research respite care - strictly speaking, the bill for that should go to your mother; but if it would never happen or your mother doesn't have the money, perhaps you could bear some or all of the cost?

Just don't let your sister run away with the idea that you're not interested and not bothered. But recognising that you and your mother and one roof are a seriously bad formula - good for you. No one is to blame for that, and no one can or should try to blame you for that.
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Keizer - As many have told you, go with your feelings. I have been basically the sole caregiver for my Mom since my Dad died 15 years ago. What once was a great relationship has turned into very few words between us daily. She is 89, with multiple problems, RA being the main cause. The last 5-6 years have been so very draining on me. I work full time at a rather stressful job, then come home. I have 2 sons that I can’t get away to visit - one on each coast. I have 2 brothers who live out of town and cannot seem to help much. Please research caregiver burnout and anticipatory grief - both topics are so true for me. Then, after the anger, resentment, and anything else you are feeling, the guilt pops up. As much as you love them, watching the slow, painful decline of their lives and bodies is the worst of all. My Mom does not want to leave her home - I get that - but there will come a point when I will no longer be able to do this daily grind. Please take care of yourself and do what’s right for you and your son. Wishing you strength....
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Good for you for recognizing your limits before putting yourself into a bad situation. I hope all the support you are getting from this forum will alleviate some of your anxiety about what you can or cannot do on your mother's behalf. Don't let siblings guilt you into anything that is bad for you.
And savor your alone time. I totally appreciate your need for privacy and calm.
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Everyone here keeps saying she should not move in with you, but you have already decided that. The issue seems to be your guilt. I can tell you that at first I didn't understand my brother's non-involvement with our mother after our dad died (suicide). Brother will only handle the finances a bit and talk about our mom with me, help with decisions, and I'm fine with that now. I realized he could not be around her often after witnessing his anxiety when confronted with her memory issues. He simply cannot do it. You have already done care giving for your wife, so you know what it involves and you know you can't do it for your mom. It's great that you know that. And what you say about requiring alone time is very understandable. I too absolutely must have considerable alone time or I'm a wreck.
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Your post doesn’t say who’s legally in charge, but it seems straight forward. Sell the house, put it in an interest bearing account, find a Assisted Living. Sister can have her life back, too. Your mom needs more care than she probably thought, too. End the shuffling around and give her her own place with round the clock aides.
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You are absolutely right not taking her in. You've done more than enough caregiving and have proven that you are reliable. There are always other alternatives whether she or your sister like them. Who has power of attorney for her? That usually helps determine who gets to make the decisions.
Speaking from experience, be honest about your feelings and needs. Offer what things you can do to help, maybe moving her, cleaning out the house, Financial assistance, finding a care service, grocery shopping or visits. But only take on what you can. Only you can protect you. And if you run yourself down physically or mentally, then you are NO good for anyone. BTW, get that 22 year old involved in Grandma's care and helping you out. He needs to learn the value of family support. Someday you'll want him to help you, and you need to be a good role model for him. Running yourself down is not a good role model. No one wants to sign up for that if they think that is the only way it works. It's all about balance and boundries! You can do this...you're strong and you've proven that. It's time to take care of you and NOT feel guilty or let others dictate your feelings! Best of luck and Blessings.
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Get down on your needs and thank god for listening to your own personal gut instinct - that you have more than enough on your plate and given your mother's physical/mental states, it would be a horrible situation for you to allow her into your home. You have done far more of your share than most people and you have a son to help out. This is the time for you and your son to live life to the fullest and have a life. She had her turn. In many cases, older people's personalities change and they can become ugly, difficult and demanding and in the process destroy the lives of those around them. DO NOT ALLOW HER INTO YOUR HOME - IGNORE HER RANTS AND RAVES. DO NOT DO IT. Instead seek out a suitable living place for her where she has a caretaker or consider placing her. Please, please do NOT allow her in your home. You will never a minute's peace and you will go down hill fast, and your son too. Love her and care for her - but at a distance. Please, please protect yourself. Once she is there, you are stuck and may never be able to get her out again. Don't do it. - Never.
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Riley2166 Aug 2019
I forgot to add something. You should never feel guilty - you have done it all and you are a saint. Think of YOU - IT IS YOUR TURN TO HAVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS NOW.
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