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My 89-year-old mother with dementia's husband died 2 months ago. She seemed to decline fast. Started wandering. Memory got worse quick. She won’t sleep at night. I am alone. I have to work 24 hours on a shift and can’t leave her alone. Feeling guilty. She wanted to go to the MC. She understands why she is there. I still feel guilty.

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Please don’t feel guilty. You are grieving for how things used to be. The one constant in our lives is change.

Our circumstances change and it’s difficult for us to adjust. Transitioning to a new way of doing things is always the hardest part.

In time, you will see that you are making the best choice for your mom and yourself.

Having guilt isn’t a burden that you should be carrying. You didn’t cause your mother’s condition and you have your own life to live.

Of course, you are sad that about the circumstances. That’s perfectly normal.

Wishing you peace.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Why would you feel guilty for protecting your mother? She is safe from wandering, has a team of professionals who understand dementia caring for her, and even she recognized her need for this. It’s okay to wish it could be different or better as it’s hard to watch a parent decline, but guilt here is both misplaced and useless. I hope you’ll put your energy into being mom’s advocate in her new setting and letting the staff see that she’s a person who’s loved and cared about. And sleep well knowing mom isn’t wandering somewhere dangerous
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Grief, yes. Guilt, no.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your Mom feels more comfortable and safe having a professional staff looking out for her . She has nurses, nurses aides, housekeeping , laundry service, chef .
She recognized this would make her feel not alone as well .

Even if you were home with her all the time. You are only one person . She has many now , and she is protected from wandering . She also may make friends her own age . You can visit as much as you want . Nothing to feel guilty about .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Guilt requires causation.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Guilt isn't appropriate in any way.

I think that the words we tell ourselves are very important as they carve out paths in our brain that we walk out of habit. We define and judge ourselves with these words.

I would suggest you change out for the other G-word, GRIEF. THAT is what you are feeling. You feel grief for your parent, grief for your own limitations as a human being. It is a kind of hubris to think you have god-like powers to change this, to be able to have no job, to be able to accomplish 24/7 care of another person. We see people here vie for Sainthood daily. They are, as all Saints are, broken by it. It's a bad job description.

You are standing witness to a tragedy, to someone you love losing everything that made them who they were. It is a living death and you are being forced to see it with no powers to change it.
Is that not worth grieving?

I am so sorry. I must tell you that when my parents died, each in their 90s, I felt nothing so much as relief for the fact they no longer had to suffer these inexorable losses, relief I no longer had to fear for them, nor they for themselves.

Please don't put the mantle of grief over the burdens you already shoulder. That you care so much speaks well of you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Thank you all. I have never joined a group like this or any others before. Never needed help or medical tx. I have worked at a very stressful job for 30 years and have never felt stress in that job like I do with parents dementia. This place has been very helpful and comforting. Again, thanks!!!!
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Reply to William007
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 30, 2024
You’re welcome.

I agree with you. Working as a caregiver is so much harder than any other job that we have done.

You’re wise to place your mom. It’s still stressful to be an advocate for your mother while she’s in a facility but it’s a relief not to be doing the hands on caregiving yourself.

You’ll get through this. You have a good head on your shoulders. Wishing you all the best.
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Misplaced guilt is a normal reaction, but let’s focus on misplaced.
The fact is that she is in the best environment possible.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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The Guilt is gone. 1 more day before she is in the new MC village. Last few days at home I have had no sleep. She is pacing the halls as I type. Laughing and joking during the daytime which is great. Sundowners syndrome for sure. My kids and I need to stay healthy. She will be better off I know. Socialization and proper care. I asked the MC every question I could to make sure they could deal with her. The AL said they could (previous place), they were mistaken. They said they were memory care but they were not. Great place tho. When they assessed her it was in the daytime when she is almost fine. New placed said any problems she had they can deal with. It’s a true dementia/memory care facility. This group as saved me lol. I have never been in a chat group or “needed to talk” about anything. I deal with stress every day in my job of 30 years. Never had anxiety or stress from it. This very short time dealing with family dementia, WOW!!!! Again, guilt gone, looking forward to happy days and 1 full day of sleep before anything. You people are amazing and thank you all again for helping my brain!!! I don’t have much knowledge of this disease except from what I have seen and read. I really hope I can also help people feel comfortable in their decisions.
Thanks
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Reply to William007
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strugglinson Mar 31, 2024
The first few days will be tough indeed! follow the advice of the staff.
Stay with agingcare forum, it is a good group. It has helped me a lot and will help us
Not many guys on here actually, but there are some, like me.
we struggle, we help each other out, we all get through it with support
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Good job William! quick resolution of guilt!

sounds like you did the right thing, you had no other choice. She wanted to go and understands why she is there! Thats a win win.! So many of us have loved ones who are months in and still arguing as to why they think they can and want to "go back home" , and dont see why they need to be in AL or memory care, and fight it tooth and nail!

You should not feel guilt! you could feel sad . It is grief . and thats normal .
you did what is best and your Mom understands too! It is a sad event indeed . Feeling bad and sad is normal. But dont feel guilt.

Time will help you. Now, visit at a frequency that is ok for you. Take her stuff when you visit . All will be good...
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Reply to strugglinson
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And yes I will visit. Most likely everyday a couple times a day. Hope I didn’t sound like I was glad to be rid of her. Hate this disease that is taking her. After joining this group/ forum I lost guilt and agreee with the correct path for her health and happiness. Years ago I was one that would say no way will I “put them away”. Pure ignorance on my part. I understand why family members say that until this dementia hits a parent or a grandparent. I’m all ready planning my way out if it hits me. Will not want this burden put on my kids. I don’t mean anything super crazy, just making sure they will not have to care for me.
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Reply to William007
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strugglinson Apr 1, 2024
Amen William. The biggest learning for me with my Mom's decline and death and my dad's dementia and decline, is to try to learn from it so my son is not put in this position when me and my wife are old!

This forum is great . Feelings as if we "want to get rid of them" even though we loved them before, and "hate of the disease" are totally welcome discussion points. No items are taboo in an anonymous online support forum.
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No worries she'll eventually get used to the facility with the schedule of when to eat, when any activities are, etc.

It will seem like the time flies by.
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Reply to cover9339
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Your mother is being taken care of--a much better situation leaving her alone. Unlike many people in MC, she is not objecting or to being there. It sounds like a fortunate situation. Be proud of both of you for finding a place for her to be safe.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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William007: I am glad to read further down this thread that you lost the guilt that you previously felt.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I am currently going through this with my father. I am so glad I found this forum! I am conflicted and don't know what to do. I feel guilty for considering placing him in a memory care facility but I know that it would be the right thing to do. I haven't done so but I am in the process of looking for one. Any advise?
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Reply to IsabelG
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I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I'm going through an almost identical scenario and everyone's responses have been most helpful! You're not alone.
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Reply to Ninecats
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Rrecently placed mom in mc unit. Dad now lives with me as he recovers from surgery. Mom has been in my unit about 4months and dad says she is doing great and wants to take her out of facility. I cannot care for both of them as still work full time. He now says that she is incarcerated. He just doesn't understand the hugh undertaking of caring for her full time. She has adjusted well being in the facility and she comes to my house on the weekends. My next hurdle is getting dad to understand the long term process of her disease and she is best where she is. He can barely take if himself, let alone mom. UGH!
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Reply to purplegal217
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This is not an answer, but I feel the same way. Except my mom has enough memory to keep asking to go home. It is heartbreaking to watch the decline.
Even though we tell her its not safe for her to be alone, she cries and insists she wants to go home. How is the best way to handle that?
Also living out of state makes me feel so helpless.
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Reply to Middlechild1960
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I felt the same way, all I can say that it does GET BETTER as time passes. I see that my mom is adjusting and know in my heart we did the right thing by placing her due to many circumstances and we all had to adjust to this new normal.
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Reply to NJmom201
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You can feel guilty if you did NOT place her in Memory Care and something happened if she were alone.
You can feel guilty if you kept her home and were unable to SAFELY care for her.
You can NOT feel guilty if you place her in Memory Care because that was the safe thing to do.
You can feel sad
You can feel grief
You can feel angry at the disease (not mom or yourself)
but you can't feel "guilty"
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Reply to Grandma1954
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