Hi Everyone,
I am tasked with being the caregiver of my 84 year old grandmother who lives 3.5 hours from me. My grandmother has 3 children, two daughters and a son who died 7 years ago. So it is my mom and my aunt that are still living and they both live within 15 minutes of my grandmother. My Granny never trusted that her children would do what was right in reference to taking care of her and her finances, so I have been on all of my grandmother's accounts since I was in middle school, I am now 43.
My granny has Alzheimer/dementia and is an alcoholic. She literally goes through a case of beer every two days and a pack of cigarettes everyday. She lives at home and refuses to leave her house and move into an assisted living facility and based on my feedback from social workers, she can't be forced to leave her home. I do not think it is safe for her to be at home by herself given the Alzheimer and drinking. She almost set the house on fire last year because she forgot that we no longer are using her oil stove to heat the house and tried to turn it on and the fire department had to come out. We are using electric radiator heaters to heat her house during the winter for safety concerns. The house is also falling apart, the ceiling in the bathroom and den are literally sloping down but she refuses to leave this house.
My mom doesn't have the tolerance to deal with my granny so I have been paying ( yes PAYING) my aunt to go check on Granny everyday. This doesn't seem to be the best situation because my aunt's idea of caregiving is taking my granny to the bank every other day to get cash to take her to buy beer and cigarettes. My aunt is a money hungry and is only motivated by money. She takes my Granny to the bank and the grocery store every other day because my granny gives her $20 in gas. Mind you the bank and grocery store are 2 miles from my Granny's house. Who accepts gas money from their mother???
I would like to not have to deal with my aunt but at this point, I have to deal with her because she is the only one that will go check on my Granny. I am looking into hiring a professional aide to come in and check on my Granny, the problem with that is I KNOW my Granny is not going to be receptive to having a stranger coming into her house which is why I asked my aunt to check on her.
My question is for you all is there ANY way that I can leverage my granny's Alzheimer's, drinking and the condition of her house to force her to leave her home? I honestly think she would be better in an assisted living facility because she won't be allowed to drink and smoke all day long there and there will be someone there that can check on her. My aunt essentially is an enabler and doesn't try to encourage my granny to do better, she just stock piles her house with beer and cigarettes. My aunt also wants my Granny to come live with her but it motivated by money because she wants to take over my Granny's social security and retirement income. I have my granny's financial and medical POA. Any advice will be helpful, I am so exhausted constantly worrying about what to do. I feel like my hands are tied because my Granny refuses to leave her house, so I am stuck dealing with my aunt.
If she goes to AL w/o addressing these issues, she'll probably be mad at anyone who's contributed to pushing into AL and out of the house.
Beyond that though, the house may be deemed unfit for her to live in. EMS may have reported the fire, code enforcement and possibly APS may become involved. That would be a tough standoff for her and you.
An Assisted Living facility wouldn't tolerate any type of nonsense from someone who drinks or has major withdrawal systems. And I bet Grandmother would be the type who would smoke in her room no matter what the rules were at the facility.
Since you are Grandmother's Power of Attorney, you have full control of the finances. And with Grandmother having Alzheimer's, chances are slim that at this point in time, that an Attorney would even consider drawing up a new POA where the Aunt now has control. Unless Grandmother has clear moments where she could understand a legal document and appointment someone new.
Time to stop paying your Aunt to visit her mother. Grandmother is already paying her gas money, so chances are the Aunt wouldn't stop visiting. You are right, your Aunt is an enabler, she may or may not know she is doing that. I would be worried about the bank. Maybe it would be better to have a difference bank, one where there isn't a branch in your Grandmother's area.