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My mom is 84 years old and leaving with my 47th year old sister whom is not married. My mom is the recipient of 3 monthly pensions, social security and 2 more foreign. My sister is not able to hold a steady job for too long for her own personal reasons therefore, most of the time she receive either unemployment funds or public assistances. It is fare that she is counting on our mom's money (which is not little) to conduct her life and her own personal spending like purchasing a second hand car which she once had and then sold because unable to financially survive and some time not having enough money to buy food. She is constantly complaining that she is paying a high rent and other things like paying for mom's life insurance and other necessary expenses but, as the other daughter, she never disclose any of this other expenses with me. What really upsets me, is that my mom, unaware of what is really going on and defending her, is not saying anything and never has any money in to her wallet even when I take her to her scheduled doctor's visits, she has no money to make her co-payment. It is very hard and difficult to have a normal financial conversation with my sister therefore, I was thinking of doing so with a legal mediator if there is one available. I have personal health issues my self and this is only making it worst, but I feel that she's going out of control putting herself, my mom, and I in a serious dangerus situation. Please help with any substantiated suggestions

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I had a social worker at my aunt's daycare tell me the amount that I should take from my aunt each month. I use this money to pay for gas for driving my aunt around but otherwise, I use it to pay her expenses ... although the social worker says that I am entitled to it for my caregiving duties.

Perhaps someone can set up such a situation for your mom and sister. I have a separate account that the check from my aunt goes into ... no one requires that ... but I want to keep the money separate. I don't want compensation for my care, but I don't want it to cost me money either.

Also, I have bills set up on automatic payment, as someone else mentioned. My sister and I share power of attorney. She doesn't question any of my decisions ... because she pretty much doesn't want to have to do it herself!

I don't think that purchasing a used car with your mom's money is abuse of her finances. Your sister clearly needs transportation to assist your mother.

I suggest that you try to care for your mom for awhile. It may give you fresh perspective.
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There are too many other questions that would need to be answered to give a complete reply to this, however, the first issue to be addressed would be who has Power of Attorney? Is your mother mentally incompetent, as in does she have dementia, alzheimer's, etc.? Is your sister losing her jobs due to the demands of caring for your mother? How much are you helping to care for her and give your sister some respite? I would also suggest taking mom for a week, when you have vacation time from work or any time that you can and see the day-in, day-out demands of caring for your mom to get a greater understanding of the whole picture and the expenses that may be involved with her care (medications, diapers, etc.). As for the doctor visits and co-pays, have your sister give you a check for the co-pay before you go next time. That should be easy, if it isn't and she says she can't or refuses for some reason, then there probably is something really wrong and needs to be looked into. There are such things as caregiver contracts, that would put into writing any compensation your sister would be given and perhaps limit what she can take for personal use. I would contact your local area on aging and ask them for advice as well.
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I have been through all of what you are explaining. My dad lives with me and my family. We have had to use his money at times to get through very difficult periods and not to lose our home. If we would have lost the house, dad would have had no where to go. People don't understand what a great deal of stress people have over financial situations. If your sister is taking care of your mom then she should be entitled to some financial help if it is legitimate. Not to just be taking the money for her use but to actually need it to survive. We work but we needed help desperately and we needed to use dads money. Please talk to your sibling about how you feel instead of assuming. Sometimes if people would just ask they would understand so much more and hard feelings would not present so often. If you feel you cannot do that then I suggest the route I went. Contact your local area on aging and explain that you thing elder fiduciary abuse is taking place with your parent by your sibling. They will assign someone free of charge to investigate where the money is and how it is being spent. If it is determined that your sister is using money that she is not permitted to be using she will have to give it back and they will check all the bank accounts and the money coming in and out of it. A POA must be put into place to handle all the financials and this takes your sister out of the loop and cannot have access to the funds. These things are most difficult for both sides but must be done for your mom's welfare. Sometimes we need to put our emotions asisde and do what needs to be done for our parents. Please don't hesitate to call your local area on aging. Again it is free of charge and will help you get the peace of mind you need for what's best for all involved especially your mom.
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Whatever you do get it in writing of every money that goes out and in...
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What your sister is doing can actually consititute for elder abuse. She has absolutely NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to be taking your mom's money. NONE. That is not her money, it is your mom's. Who is the POA? That person should be the one who handles your mom's money, keeps track of bill payment and what the balances are in the block, as well as being sure the real estate taxes and everything else is paid. Yeah, economic times are hard but your sister has not ONE RIGHT to be taking mom;s money as she has been doing. You need to check this out RIGHT AWAY, and probably get an attorney--Sister Dear will listen to an attorney!
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i had a caseworker snarl at me once about how i should be paying some of the bills at my mothers house.. righttt, while im ducking out to work for 4 hours a day and paying the mortgage on my own home which sits empty.. sometimes seemingly simple things are complicated.. i didnt even reply, thats how little her opinion mattered to me..
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I agree with msdiva. I save every single receipt of money that I spend for my aunt. It may be necessary someday if I apply for Medicaid on her behalf because they look back at the last 5 years and WILL ask questions.
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i have been on that boat i made alot of mistakes...never again
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I suggest you find an attorney who specializes in Elder Care. He/she can help iron out your concerns. I do NOT agree that you should take on the care of Mom. Once the attorney is hired, you can learn if she has enough money for a care-giver from a reputable agency (criminal checks! bonded!). Has the doctor recommended taking her to a nursing home. Also, check into hospice for her.
Hugs, Corinne
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FIRST of all, sit down with all siblings and determine who is the Power of Attorney. That done, you can contact the POA for money. My sister is the POA and believe me, she doesn't give me a penny more than I absolutely need in paying for mom & dad's stuff. ALSO REMEMBER, if you go over any guidelines or agreements you've made with the POA they can turn nasty on you and find an Elder Abuse lawsuit, saying you exploited your parents' money! It happens! I just had it threatened to happen to me by my own blood sister.
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