I got married about 1 year ago.
We are planning to buy a house in 1 year.
I said to my husband your dad can live with us and get rent from him for our morgage payment so that we can have a big house, because he mentioned he wanted to live close with him to check out him regularly.
When I suggested that idea, he looked happy and talked about it right away to his father (my mother in law passed away) my father in law was happy to help us financially and live with us.
He is very very good man, and I’m sure he will try not to bother us.
But the more I think the more I can’t put this decision out of my mind, I think I will regret...
Even though he is trying not to get in our way, I’m sure there must be things that we will debate.
Can I get some advise?
Honestly, I don’t want to take care of his errands, like laundry, cook..
I already told him please don’t expect that from me, he said he will do that when the time he needs it comes.
But still, We are not even living together, but I really want to hear something from people.
Most of people say never live with them. (My english is not perfect sorry)
Work and pay for your own home. That’s what we did. Personally, I wanted to earn and pay for things ourselves. Nothing is more satisfying than that.
Also, I wasn’t concerned about even owning a home when I first married. You have only been married for a year. We rented until we had saved enough to buy a home. We didn’t even have two cars.
I would drop my husband off at his carpool. Then drive myself to my job. I’d pick him up after I got off from work at his carpool in the evening.
Did I consider this a pain? Nope! It was my situation and I had the incentive to work hard enough to buy a car at a later date.
Oh, the car that we were driving was a used VW bug that we bought for $900! We never ever lived above our means. We worked hard and saved our money and did not buy anything until we could afford it.
So the first thing I have to say is not to view your father in law as a bank. Secondly, you state that you are not interested in helping him out in any way if he moved in and needed help.
I certainly understand that you have no desire to be his nurse, cook, housekeeping, sitter, companion, etc. What if he decides he would like you to help him out?
I am sure that your father in law is a nice man but trust me, you don’t really know someone until you live with them or work with them. Then you see their true colors!
So my answer is not to put yourself in that situation to begin with because you already know that you would not be happy if he needed your help.
Take my word for it having a family member live in your house adds stress. I did it and would not do it again.
Speak to your husband, tell him you have thought it over and don’t feel it is in your best interest or your father in law’s best interest to cohabitate. He can live in a nice assisted living facility if needed later on down the road.
We have been married for 41 years. We have a big home. We raised two daughters here. We drive nice cars. Does it mean everything in life to me? I am glad that we achieved our goals but my husband and daughters mean the most to me, not my house or cars. In fact, I would love to downsize at this point in my life.
We all have regrets about things that could have been different. Unfortunately many people on this site are regretting that they have not lived their own lives fully, because of care responsibilities they took on – and are hoping not to place the same burdens on their own children.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAGqSkjdtsI
This. Is this true for your culture? It happens often enough with all cultures, it seems, but it's expected without question from certain cultures.
At first things were fine. But later, my dad became more and more demanding. I try to split days for my dad and days for me and my husband. But my dad wants to go every day and night. If my husband and I go out, we hear later that evening, why didn't you take me somewhere. I am working on having some boundaries and trying to stick to them.
I think if we have a trouble with some friends, we can just not to see them forever, but parents are different. They gave a birth to us and raised. We might regret that we didn’t do enough for them someday. Even if it is hard and can be tiring sometimes, let’s try to be positive. I totally agree about boundaries :)
Perhaps you could see if your father in law could rent closer to you two, and find out how that goes. What will he and your husband expect from you - visits, care, shopping etc? No-one expects these things to go wrong, but it often comes as a nasty surprise. It’s harder to back out then.
You and your husband could be better off taking a little longer to get used to living and budgeting together, before you make such a big change and live together as a threesome.
Have you already moved him in or have you told him that you are not buying a big house?
You should think about what you are saying in the future, not trying to be rude but, you started all of this.
If you want out of this, NOW is the time to speak up. Not after he moves in.
Putting aside the financial aspect......you will have less privacy with your FIL living there. No matter what he says, he may start expecting you to prepare his meals and wash his laundry, he may start making all sorts of demands. He might become a lazy slob and refuse to clean up after himself. He might want to do everything with you & your husband. Suppose his health declines, are you prepared to be a hands on caregiver while his needs trump yours and he now comes first?
to be honest, I think moving him in is a very very bad idea. You’ve married one year. It will be detrimental to your marriage.