Is it part of Alzhiemer's or something else? Mom insists she has more money or should have more than what is there. She can't give me an amount of what she thinks is missing. She is able to afford her current bills fine, but often refuses to pay because she seems to think she is low on funds. Even after reassuring her by showing the online statement and going to the bank to show on paper what she has, she still seems confused and thinks she is without money. Sometimes I pay the bill myself to make things easier. Sometimes she hides the bills that come in the mail and if I'm not careful we get late charges. Most of the bills can be paid online whether it is her account or mine, but if I have to pay all her bills from my account we will become broke (husband, 3 kids, and me). What would be a good idea to reassure her or is it useless to try and calm her down?
I well remember finding my exceptionally capable, independent and financially literate aunt distraught during one routine phone call, having convinced herself that she had made a dreadful miscalculation about her lifetime annuity and would be homeless by the end of the month. Knowing next to nothing about her finances myself, I referred her to her lawyer DIL and my banker sister, and between the two of them they managed to spot the key point she'd overlooked and talk her off the ledge; but it did take time and all their expertise.
I'm guessing that you don't have power of attorney or presumably you'd be using it already. That makes it difficult, but paying the bills yourself is not the answer. Not only can you not afford it but also it is ethically wrong. Your mother is not an idiot, nor a pauper, nor a charity case and you shouldn't treat her as such.
It is useless to try to calm her down, because even though you manage it on the odd occasion the fear is going to recur - possibly building up to several times an hour. What you need to do is catch her on a good day and work out a system for you to receive all her bills and pay them from her account. How far developed is her Alzheimer's Disease? If she's not too far down the road it might still be possible to create a POA.
you could make a copy of statements for yourself and keep a file in her room with originals so she can resource them , it might give her a feeling of control...
You need to stop paying her bills though. Set everything up to pay online, not auto pay, my personal opinion if there is a problem you play heck getting your money back. Set everything up online so you have access to all of her bills and opt for paperless billing. But use her money and her account for her bills. Nothing is going to change her reality about the missing money, so don't damage your own financial situation by personally paying. Especially if she ever needs Medicaid, because that money will never be repaid to you.
Sometimes we just have to do what we need to and then repeat that we know to our loved ones. Especially with the out of control inflation we are seeing right now a dollar doesn't stretch anymore.
After I do my bill pay, I print the transactions out and file them in a binder. EVERYTHING that gets paid, autopay or me doing it gets printed and saved.
If your mom can SEE in black & white that bills have been paid (keep a copy of everything in a binder for her to see) would that maybe quell some of her anxiety? Does online banking make sense to her?
My mom still writes about 5 checks a month for bills. Then she has cash for things like groceries, haircuts, eating out. She doesn't trust online banking, but that's OK. She's still able to balance that checkbook.
Clearly she cannot handle her financial matters now. The POA should take this over and pay her bills for her from her own accounts. You should never pay out of your own unless keeping careful receipts, diaries, records, notes to be compensated when able.
It may or may not be useless to calm her down. When I acted as POA and Trustee of Trust for my bro I had bills mailed to me and paid them from his account as Trustee or POA. He had a small account of his own to do with as he pleased. This was his REQUEST to me when he was diagnosed. It prevented a world of confusion. I sent him a monthly accounting of all assets into his account, of his assets total, and of all bills paid that month. He kept them in a notebook and would take it out and look at it; it was enormously relief to him to have at his fingertips.
If she does not have powers of attorney for medical and financial, you need to have her visit a lawyer and get those legal documents prepared NOW. With POAs you can help manage her financial and medical affairs when she is diagnosed as "mentally incompetent." Unfortunately, it appears she is soon going to be unable to handle her finances at all.
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