I work in LTC, specifically in a memory care unit. Recently my grandparents have moved, my grandma with my parents and my grandpa with my aunt and uncle (all live very close to each other). The plan was, since my aunt is retired, for grandpa to go with her since he was declining faster.
Fast forward about a month, and everyone is miserable. Grandpa has declined even more (doesnt recognize aunt or wife, worries about his money [this is why they were moving in with family first, to try and save money]). My mom and grandma are at each others throats, my mom has her own medical issues and I know she is exhausted, beyond exhausted. My grandma is very clearly displaying behaviors to make my parents do things for her that she doesn't want to do, and my mom is just about to break.
But here is where I am really worried, they aren't doing visits with my grandparents as much as I thought. They are ALL getting very snippy with each other, and I worry that things could become much worse. I am fearing for all my family's mental and physical health now.
How do I offer advice when one, I am still the "young one" of the family (I am 30) and no one wants to take me seriously or listen to any advice, because two they still treat like I know nothing and am just a kid. Also, how do I save my relationship with my mom who I love more than anyone, but I really don't agree with her behavior right now. I apologize for the novel here, just a lot to unpack and haven't had anyone to talk to and I can feel myself starting to crack.
Thanks in advance, K
Do not advise. There are a lot of decision makers already. Regardless of whether you agree with the decisions, these are the decisions they have made for their lives. Support them. If they change their minds, continue to support them.
From time to time, when you can, pick up groceries, drop off dinners, visit, bring flowers, Do whatever you are able (physically, emotionally, financially). Give your parents breaks by taking your grandmother to doctors appointments, staying with her while they take a weekend off, or even taking her for a drive or walk if she is able. Join them while they do these things and support them.
Whatever you do, please don’t complain about or criticize them of their choices. Don’t judge. They are doing their best and they are the ones actually living with the consequences of each decision they make.
I grew up in a house where my mother's mother lived with us. It was a war zone. The screaming and carrying on that occurred was a living nightmare for me because I was forced to bear witness to it every day and suffer the stomach aches that went along with it. Had I not been in that environment, my life would have been a whole lot better.
I am 100% against parents living with their children in their old age, for obvious reasons. It just doesn't work and everyone suffers.
My mother calmed down when her mother moved out, but by then, all the damage had already been done. To each of us. Nobody gets out of a war without scars and a whole lot of suffering.
Live your own life. Have lunch with your mom once a week and talk about silly things. Don't involve yourself in the histrionics....your mother should speak to a therapist about those issues, not YOU.
Good luck.
There is some very good advice here. I can't add to it. Maybe you need to back off and don't offer any advice. I have found over the years that unwanted advice does not work.
Talk to the caregivers together and tell them your concerns for them. Maybe they just need someone to say out loud what they are already thinking.
Then, ask your mom and aunt what would be the ideal situation. Mom and aunt may have unrealistic expectations. If sleeping through the night is a goal, suggest them asking the doctor for sleeping med for grandparents. If going out without a person to care for is a goal, rally family members, friends... paid help to "visit" with grandparents for a couple hours for a couple days each week (keeping them together might be easier for visits). Basically, you let aunt and mom share a concern with you.... and then, offer suggestions.
If you can arrange for visitors for your grandparents, you can then arrange time to be with your mom when she isn't caregiving. Do things together that nurture your relationship.
In the meantime, You can offer to care for them a few hours once a week to give your Aunt and Mom a break. Just be a good listener as it's exhausting being a Caregiver.
if your Grandparents can afford it, they might even think about moving the Grandparents back together and hiring a Live in for them at about $500 a week plus room and board.
And a live in caregiver would be an employee, need a contract and accounting setup for payroll deductions etc.
Your elders are so overwhelmed that they will not listen to you, so, I think that a letter detailing what you see, in a kind, non accusatory manner with ideas how this situation may be made better, AFTER you offer yourself to each so they can get a break, one day a week, a weekend a month, you will be surprised how much easier it will make it for them. Give at least 4 hours and an entire day if possible.
It will help you understand what it is really like for your mom and aunt. It will also create opportunities to implement ideas for beneficial solutions.
Can't have an opinion without a dog in the fight, so jump in and earn the right to express your ideas.
Since grandfather is the more challenged, perhaps you could arrange to talk to your aunt and uncle when he is sleeping or otherwise occupied and suggest considering MC. It really IS a huge undertaking, and while "back in the day" families took on these duties, dementia really brings it to a whole different level and often is not something the average person or family can deal with.
If you can make progress with them, perhaps they might be willing to try taking grandmother in for a bit, to see if that works out better. If not, at least your mother would have some time to destress and perhaps be willing to listen. It mightl be harder to get grandmother to agree to AL, if she is still cognizant. We aren't even allowed to "force" those with dementia to move! But, there are ways to get grandfather to move, even if asking him results in NO.
If all of them are legally competent and determined to keep on with this, even if it looks from the outside to be a disaster, unfortunately there really isn’t much you can do about it.
Speak to a their doctor, social worker or Council on Aging in your community.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Your mom and aunt need to hear from a dispassionate professional what the needs and options are.