My parents have been living in their own home with my mom providing the care for my Dad with dementia who needs constant supervision. We’ve known this was a disaster waiting to happen but Mom is still mentally fit. Now that she’s in the hospital (and will need to move to a longer term rehab eventually) what do we do about Dad? My brother and sister are both helping now. We all live out of state. Sister has to go home to her family … brother can’t stay there indefinitely … but I can’t imagine the hospital is okay with Dad moving into her room for as long as she is there? He roams at night. We can’t be first people in this scenario. We’ve asked them to move or get substantial in home help for a decade and it has gone nowhere. Unable and unwilling to force it on them with Mom mentally fit, we are now in a disaster scenario.
Your scenario is much like the one I was faced with with my parents. My dad was the healthy one, Mom had dementia and myriad other issues, and he was her devoted caregiver. No hands-on care was needed, or so they thought, and Dad would never have put Mom into a facility, but suddenly Dad was diagnosed with cancer, died in six weeks, and I had to deal with the "what to do with Mom" scenario. Having cared for the both the of them during my dad's illness, I knew that my home was not the answer to that question. The hardest thing I ever had to do was put my mother in my car just three days after burying her husband of 66 years and take her away from her home of 50 years with her wailing "My home! My home!"
My dad was doing everything a devoted husband would do, but it still wasn't enough. Your mom has been doing everything a devoted wife would do, and it, too, wasn't enough. It's time to sit Mom down and have the difficult conversation in which they both go somewhere they can be together in the same facility, or the decision will be made for them. Their safety is paramount, and it is no longer within her control to ensure that.
The social workers/patient care advocates/chaplain should be your best friends right now, ask them for help.
I used to rell my stubborn, "fiercely independent" MIL-- either YOU choose where you're moving or someone else will.
Does someone have financial POA for them both?
If mom says she's not going to rehab, take 2 giant steps backwards and inform both mom and discharge planner that family will not be stepping up or stepping in and that this will be an "unsafe discharge".
Dad is now the emergency placement, and in the long run, Mom may do better if he’s placed now rather than waiting for her to resume his care when depleted herself.
There are so many situations where “happy endings”, just aren’t likely to happen. This may be ne of those.
It's too bad your mom refused to address the need for help with dad all this time b/c now it's an emergency situation for sure, and it's all on you 'children' to handle the fallout. Just like it was all on me with my folks, as their only child.
I hope your parents have the financial wherewithal to afford Memory Care for dad right now. Otherwise, you'll have to consult an Elder Care attorney for Medicaid advice and guidance.
You can also get dad into a Memory Care ALF for what's known as 'respite care' for a few months; in other words, temporary housing for the time being. They set aside rooms for respite care for when a family caregiver needs to go on vacation and get a loved one into managed care for when they're gone. Call around and see if any of your local Memory Care facilities have 'respite rooms' available for dad for now, that's probably your best bet.
BEST OF LUCK!
Mom can no longer 'do' for dad. End of discussion. You, as a family, will need to look into ALF for both mom & dad if you want to keep them together. Sounds like you cannot expect dad to do anything really helpful, right?
And, no, the hospital is not a hotel. They will be OK with dad visiting, but not moving in.
A SW at the hospital may be able to guide you along the way.
Mom may be mentally fit, but she is not physically fit and may never be back at baseline. Good Luck with this transition--you're not in a disaster, you're in the same place as so many others who have elders who don't WANT to go to a NH.
(I actually know 2 people who put THEMSELVES in Alf's. 2, out of, IDK, over 100.!)