She just moved into MC/AL 4 days ago after a fall, hospital stay and SNF. She has dementia and zero short term memory. We told her she needs more help gaining strength back and weight she has lost. (Social Services got involved after someone called about her house being unsafe or something of the sort.) She sits and cries and tells the nurses that I put her in MC/AL to die. She hates the food… day one we had lunch there. I am in the restaurant industry and they and the salmon were on point. She looks at the other residents like they are nothing like her. She can win an Oscar for showtiming. Her sundowning is dramatic as well. I spent a year taking care of her in her home and now I feel guilty and afraid that she will refuse to adjust out of spite. My sister and my mother's brothers are all in agreement for MC/AL. My brother no. He says it’s putting out mother away like a dog and seems to be more interested in the house and money. He hasn’t seen our mother since 2019. I’ve done all the work to take care of my mother but I feel tremendously guilty. I also don’t even know what to do with myself as I don’t have to cook, clean, shop etc. Do these guilty and helpless feelings subside? Will my mother adjust?
Are you answering these incessant calls? If so, you need to stop. Does she have a cell phone or using the landline there? With her dementia, I'm surprised she can even make these calls! Is there any way the staff can help with this somehow?
Are you POA? I hope so and if so, you can kind of blow off what your brother is saying. I feel pretty confident saying this is the correct placement for your mom.
I'm sure your mother will adjust. It takes time. She's safe and taken care of.
You need to take a breath and do some things for yourself. You have free time. Please - do not feel guilty about this. This is soooo new - it will take time for both of you to adjust to your new normals.
Good luck!
Your mother will adjust to life in Memory Care, just give her time. But not a 24/7 audience for her complaints because they feed on themselves, preventing her from getting busy making friends and ditching the pity party. Call the staff to find out how she's REALLY doing bc in many cases, these elders are peachy, just saving all their angst for US bc they know it makes us feel rotten and guilty. Meanwhile, they're having a grand time yucking it up and we're crying thinking OMG what have I done to my mother? Been down this road myself, which is how I can give you a heads up. I'd call over to the MC to speak to my mother bc I couldn't reach her on her room phone. The caregiver would put her on, she'd be all happy and cheerfully say Hello? Then she'd hear it was me, her horrid daughter, and immediately get a frog in her throat and start croaking about how horrrrrrrrible she felt, and how nastttttttyy the tiny crumb of lunch was that they fed her, and yada yada. Meanwhile, the woman weighed 190 lbs so obviously the nasty crumbs of food weren't that bad or tiny, huh? 🤣 So Fact Check everything that's told to you bc a lot of it is embellished for your guilty pleasure! Bald face lying is another term for what they do, but I'll call it "embellishing" so it sounds nicer.
Dry your eyes and give mom a chance to acclimate. Take 1 call a day from her and when she insists on coming home, let her know she's there under doctors orders. When HE says she's in good enough shape to go home, then you'll talk about it. Blame him, in other words.
Fwiw, my mother with advanced dementia refused to acknowledge she had any issues or reason to be in such a place, right up until her dying day. "They" were stupid morons, she was perfectly fine. In spite of all that comparing herself to the others, she had friends and a good life in MC for the nearly 3 years she lived there. As her dementia advanced, she insisted she lived in a hotel and the "girls" were moving them to a different hotel every night but one that had all her furniture in it! And, they were taking them to different nice restaurants every night too, with fun shows, or to someones house for a home cooked meal! She lived a ripe fantasy life, that's for sure.
Good luck and take care of yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty!
I would call the RN in charge. She oversees the aides. Tell her that you are getting calls from Mom constantly. That the staff is helping Mom use the phone in the Common area. Could she please ask the staff to stop assisting her. You would think this breaks into the time the aides have to do their jobs too.
Mom needs to get used to her surroundings. She needs to go to staff when she needs something. The RN or aide will call you with any emergency. Guilt is self inflicted. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is safe and cared for. Now you can just enjoy visiting her without all that worrying and responsibility. Tell her if she is nice to the staff, they will be nice to her.
Talk to the staff about getting mom involved in more activities.
Ask brother to let the MC know when he's coming to pick mom up. In other words, just ignore his ignorance and greed and respond with humor and an offer he won't take you up on.
I found working with a therapist helpful as well as talking with close and supportive friends. Self care is key too, as one cannot care for others even at a distance/not hands on every day, if YOU are not taking time to heal as well.
As others have noted, do not take her calls. It sounds cruel, but as others have said being a constant audience for her is not helping her and at the same time it does not help you. You both needs some distance to break this pattern. Honestly, I had to block my mom's phone number so I can choose when to listen (she can leave a voice message, but the number does NOT POP up over and over on my cell which caused me panic attacks). I listen only once a week and thankfully the calls are not over and over up through the entire night now. If there is a real emergency, the staff at her facility will call you and they will call if there is "any change in status." So you will be informed as needed.
Initially, I tried explaining to my mom my needs and her reality but none of it worked to convince her, frankly I now know/understand better (she has dementia) that trying to explain or convince them is not possible; their reality is their reality.
My mom (85) has been at her nursing home for 1.5 years, she can barely walk with a walker and cannot do much of anything, only has the use of one arm. She has a tablet which has one simple game she likes. It is a slot machine game, and all one has to do is push the button to "pull" the slot machine handle, but often it "is broken," according to her because it goes of WiFi but trying to explain that is hopeless. An aide just puts it back on WiFi when she says it is broken. She often refuses to shower, when they take her (she cannot do this solo). And she does not participate in any of the activities offered, that is her choice. She chooses to stay in her private room with the TV blaring 24/7, lights out and the blinds closed. Yes, she has chronic depression and is on meds for that too.
But till this day, she will tell anyone "she is fine," that she "does not need to be there," that "they do nothing for her," that she can "take care of herself," and often she claims this or that person has agreed "to take her to their home, to care for her" but none of it is true. So adjusting does not always mean they can or will accept reality as we see and experience it.
I know she is cared for and while not perfect, it is good enough. And I am still on the road to healing from this. Nothing prepares you for this experience. All the best and you will get through this in time. And she will adjust her way in time too.
As to the brother, is he capable and does he have the ability to care for Mom in his home? If not, then why is anyone listening to his rants? It is easy enough to weigh in as he is when there is no willingness to take on the care.
As to G words like guilt, change out your words because they matter greatly. Guilt suggests that you have harmed your Mom with malice aforethought and are an evil felon. The correct word here is grief. You are grieving, and is grieving. And this is WORTH grieving. However, it cannot be allowed that calls occur this way. That won't "fix" everything and I am afraid you have just bumped up against the world of limitations where not all things can be fixed.
I am so sorry, but what here can be changed? Go ahead and grieve it. But fix what you can. Ask facility about recommendations; some don't recommend communication for a few weeks to foster adjustment. Allow yourself to grieve the fact that we live too long and end of life can be a torment. Remember that there are other times in life when we feel trapped and tormented. High school for some, young married parenthood or onerous jobs for others.
I wish you the very best. Helpless feelings may remain. GRIEVING may remain. And the end of your Mom's life may make you feel little other than relief that she doesn't have to suffer, nor DO YOU. That she is at peace and so are you. That is the sad reality. We aren't Gods. We aren't omnipotent. We aren't Saints. We can't throw our lives away on some altar, be shot full of arrows, and be prayed to for an eternity to make it all better for mankind.
My heart goes out to you. Remember, those who should feel guilt--the felons and and evil-doers of this world-- they NEVER do feel guilt. Only the good mistake their grieving for guilt.
Your response is insightful and spot-on. Thank you!
This site helped me so much by pointing out that it often takes a TEAM of paid professionals to take care of one person who assumes their adult child can do all of it. Your mom is being taken care of and you’ve done a great job!
Maybe try one and no more calls a day?
It’s really difficult. I still have major guilt issues but reading around this forum has helped so much. Wishing you more peace of mind and again - you’ve done really well by your mom!
Hopefully, you mom will adjust to her new home. Her behavior is anxiety. Please talk to her doctor about adding an antianxiety medication to her usual medications to help her adjust.
I’m getting calls to check out other SNFs because, “this one is ridiculous,” and “I can’t believe the state of this place,” I’m sorry but they’re not vacation homes, and “I want a different room!” This will be her third one since she was admitted last week.
Her loss of control has created this panic dynamic where I’ve got to save her and the world. I’ve been working full time, taking care of her house while she’s in, taking care of my life, but every hour she reminds me my life is about her, not me. Well, she tries to.
Bottom line is I hear and sympathize with everything you’re experiencing. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is when you’ve done something wrong. When you find what you have done wrong (you won’t) let us know because right now, you haven’t. My mother wants everything RIGHT NOW. Including, being admitted to this SNF in the first place.