“I want a different room!”
“I need you to bring me x amount of things.”
“If I don’t get this or that soon I’m checking out and going home.”
She's been there less than 12 hours. At this rate I’m letting it go to voicemail first before deciding to cal back. This is not her first time in the facility. I should know the drill, but today I feel so weak and sick I don’t think I have the strength for her anymore. Not to mention the full time job that has me on three deadlines today.
I’ve asked her if she herself has talked to anyone there about what she needs or wants.
"No."
Well guess what when I visit I make it a habit to never tell her exactly when ( now she’d never remember anyway ) and lo and behold busted her playing Bingo with a group. Other days its exercise class. She is usually lovely to everyone and participates in many activities…I realized she was just grinding me incessantly because…why not :P. Why do some parents act this way, seriously. It’s horrible
I have to add that mom started out cognizant and then slid…only when her mind slipped far enough the complaining petered out.
Your mom is taken care of, you’ve done a great job, and a second phone number can help a lot sometimes.
Big huge hug!!
I just skimmed over your previous posts. You DO have your hands full. Seems like you can never please your Mom. Is this SNF a permanent thing or just rehab? And is she 50 or is that u?
You have an manipulator here, big time. Don't play into it. Like having her over for dinner, she seemed so happy to come and then said, she was not feeling well. Then you say "So sorry Mom, well take care and we will miss you". When she says she is not going to turn on the Christmas lights because you won't rush over to finish decorating..."thats a shame Mom because I did a lot of work and they make the house look so pretty. If you choose to not turn them on, then don't expect me to decorate for you next year". When they act like children you treat them like a children. She is bringing this all or herself. You are not to blame and should not feel any guilt. You may want to remind her what happened to the little boy who cried wolf too often.
The people who survive this type of personality usually laugh things off. They except the personality of the person and turn things back on them. They set boundries. "No Mom, can't do it today but will get there when I can" When she says "Since you won't do it for me, guess I will have to do it" tell her that's a good idea, she should do as much as she can for herself because she can't always rely on you.
I know, you have probably explained things over and over to Mom. You need to sit in front of her and look her straight in the eye and say...Mom I have a life. I work 50/60 hrs a week. It gives me little time to cater to you. I can't jump because u snap your fingers. I have other responsibilities and sorry you are not #1. Yes, you are an important part of my family but you need to do as much for yourself as possible. It would be nice if I could spend more time with you but at this point in my life, its not possible. I need to work and I need time to myself to regenerate.
Oh that aide, I would have had a talk with her telling her that you need her help. Make a list of what you need done that Mom seems to forget. Ask if she could please do them to save you from having to come over to do them.
The manipulation was strong with her today. I went to visit her in the SNF and she called while I was in the elevator. “I need this.” Then she called while I was getting in the car. “I need that.”
”I’ll tell the nurses station mom.” And drove away…
This is extremely hard but it’s almost now where she doesn’t even want the staff doing things for her she wants ME to do it. I said hell no. And it sounds like she doesn’t care what happens to her now, after the day she had. That isn’t good either.
I’m home now and the phone is off - the staff have my landline if there’s an emergency. Bringing her more clothing isn’t one.
"The caregiver is asked to do things that mom cannot safely ordinarily do, one of which is taking the garbage to the curb, or watering the outside plants, things that are hard for her. Lately, it’s this: “Oh I forgot to ask her, and now the trash needs to go out.” She doesn’t remember to ask the carer to do it but the minute she sees me she remembers."
Really, the aide should not need to be reminded. When the trash it full take it out. Moms trash day should be the same every week.
I went to see her today and she was probably the cruelest she’s ever been. Hated her room, couldn’t walk at all today, “I guess I ate lunch, I don’t know.” I kept the visit very short because there was absolutely NOTHING to say, and I got the “Oh you’re leaving already!” She just called a moment ago to say “Goodnight and i won’t bother you anymore.”
The SNF is a few blocks away from my work but I think I will stay away for a day. I don’t think this is going to go well, based on what I saw today, and her cruelties and lashing out is so undeserved. And no, she does not have dementia. She is all there. She knows what she’s doing and how she’s talking and doesn’t care one damn bit.
Try twice a week for a month, and stop answering stupid phone calls. She might be more pleased to see you, and make better use of what she’s paying for.
You say she is all there so treat her as such. Tell her you are no longer putting up with her abuse. You are sorry she is sick but you didn't cause it and you are no longer allowing her to treat you as if you did. Many on here say don't argue with them if they have a broken brain...broken brain or not I will not tolerate abuse. But your mom does not have a broken brain. She just likes to be mean. At least to you anyway. So why do you tolerate it? Honestly take a week off from her ...phone calls and visits. If she lashes out at you when you come back, turn around and leave. She treats you like this because you keep coming back for more. She won't change until you do.
she embarrassed the absolute you know what out of me in front of her roommate in the next bed and I even heard the roommate mutter, “Jeez” from across the room.
This may be relationship ending, this one..
Set your boundaries and stick with them, time for you to drive your own car, not sit in the passenger seat and let her drive.
Her brother/my uncle says I should go and stay longer, talk about the things she likes and touch her and sit by her side.
I would love that, I said, if she wasn’t so damn angry at me.
”She’s not angry at you she depends on you.”
I told him how she acted yesterday and he said it was because I didn’t stay long enough. Then I told him what she said. His tone changed then.
No one is paying enough attention to her, she calls for things and it takes hours, and she turned breakfast away because it looked like you know what. PT will start in full next week…
I feel like I’m losing my mind.