Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

Question

Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

Follow

Share

76 Answers

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It's not easy and many hugs coming your way.
When my mother was in hospice I had this gut feeling she was holding on waiting to hear from my brother. My brother had a very hard time excepting Mom was going to move on, and wouldn't come up to the hospital to see her.
No judgement on my brothers part, we all handle things differently, and my sister and I knew my bother loved Mom dearly.
I told my sister what I was feeling, and suggested maybe Mike could talk to her on the phone and say his goodbyes.
My mother was not responsive at all, except for gurgle sounds. But my brother did call her, and we held the phone up to her ear so she could hear him. It was heartbreaking because you could hear my brother crying as he told Mom it was okay to go home now.
This happen in the early evening and my mother died the next morning. She was waiting to hear from her son.
So yes, I believe in telling someone it's ok to go, but sometimes they're waiting for something or someone.
I hope your mom finds peace soon, I know from past experiences it takes a toll on everyone.
God bless you and guide you, and comfort you.💕

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Yes. Have done that. That is an important step. In the Bible, they would call in the family, bless them, and then pass on.
You need to ask if she is ready to go. If she says "yes", then
release her to go and tell her it is ok & you understand her body is just
giving out and you don't want her to suffer any more. Each of the
children need to release her. If there is some unfinished business she
needs to take care of, then help her do that. If she needs to make peace
with God or anyone else, help her do that.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Yes, always ask.

(0)

Report

I’m so sorry. I know what you are going through. I believe the following three phrases should be said to a dying person:
You will not be alone
You will not feel pain
We will be OK

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Not sure you have to have a group proclamation for Mom.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

agree

(1)

Report

It's not clear, in your comment, if your mother is mentally alert and capable of making decisions or in some sort of fading away and barely communicative. Just because someone is a hospice nurse doesn't mean they know it "all" and are experts in everything or in how EVERY family handles these circumstances. It's rough territory to tread in, to be sure. It's not clear that she is within her last days or hours...I know when I was the one sitting beside my beloved uncle, I talked to him though he was sedated and on a respirator after a massive heart attack. I told him how much I loved him, and that I didn't want to lose him, but if he had to go I would understand. It seemed right in the moment...and he did eventually pass...In the end (no pun intended) only you and your family can make these decisions of what to say. It's so hard...

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

First of all, I’m sending a hug your way as I know what you’re going through. Yes, Hospice told me that it was an important part of the dying process that I let my mom know it was okay for her to let go and leave me and the rest of the family. She lived with me for 12 years and I was her sole caregiver. I waited until it was imminent that there no longer was any hope for recovery and asked God for the strength to tell my mom, my rock and best friend, that I would be okay without her. I whispered to her softly everything I knew that would comfort her and make it easier for her to leave me and go join my step dad who’d been waiting years for her. It’s extremely tough to do but it’s one of the most selfless gifts you can give to the person you love. You’ll find the strength.....and God bless you all.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Been there, done that.

When my father was at the end stage of dementia, I asked the staff to put the phone next to his ear. I told him that it had been 3 years since my mom had died - and it was perfectly fine if he wanted to "let go." (I lived 500 miles away.)

He died peacefully a couple of days later during his afternoon nap. I really think he needed my "permission" to die.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes, I have been through this and so have some other members of my family. Everyone needs to be there to let her know it is okay to let go. Once that has been done, give it some time. It may occur faster than you think it will. In the meantime, give yourselves the knowledge that you have done all that you can do and be sure to hang on to the memories that you have made. Take care!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This is the experience I had with a dear friend who died of cancer at the age of 52 years: she was in hospice awaiting death and under heavy sedation for pain control. Her family still kept hoping that she would make it and get better (?!?!?!). Two of her dogs that she loved more than anything had passed on already. So I told her that her dogs are waiting for her on the other side and that they would love for her to join them so she can play with them again. She passed away two days later. Then, about 3 years after her passing, I was told by a psychic where she was appearing for me that what I told her before her passing helped her leave this world. I truly believe this.
So, yes, let her know that it is OK for her go and that she'll be embraced by previous family members (you can name then) as well as by her pets if she had some.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

yes I have...it is ok to encourage your mom to let go...when my mom was dying several years ago...I was with her...the nurses told me she had days to live...she had been on a slow decline...I sat with her telling her what a great mom she had been...I read to her...I told her that we loved her and would miss her....she gave me a little smile....I asked if she would like to say the Lords's prayer..she sort of mumbled some of the words...I held her and said the 23rd psalm... before I finished she took her last breath.....

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

How beautiful, what a wonderful daughter she had in life!

(3)

Report

Yes, we did this with my Dad - however, individually, not as a group. Hospice is wonderful and the nurses were very helpful in explaining this to us. We just reassured Dad that we loved him and would always look after Mom and she would be well cared for. It was the hardest thing I ever did - to tell my Dad it was ok to let go - but it seemed to be what his mind/body needed because he died a short time later. Best wishes to you

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My Dad lingered almost 2 weeks close to death. He passed the day after my sister in law came to say goodbye to him. We think he was waiting for her.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I have been a hospice psychologist for 22 years in California. Now retired and living in Florida. I cannot tell you how many times patients have asked to be "released" from their pain or no pain just the situation. The fact that your mother has not eaten much recently shows she could be well aware of what is going on and any support from her family to let her know she can go towards her God, whomever that may be, will lessen her anxiousness. If she has voiced a fear of death then the use of a Chaplin and/or Rabbi can help enormously.

Take care and more importantly remember to look after yourself. M.D.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I think if they ASK it is a whole other thing than volunteering that they can go. That sounds more like US being ready for them to go, not them.

(5)

Report

Yes it time to tell her to let go. My Father passed 2years ago and he was acting the same way before he passed. We all got together with hospice on a tuesday morning and told him it was ok to go. He waited until me and my mother left and passed away. We told him that we would take care of Mom and he just slowly let go. It's ok to say goodbye but it also hurts so be prepared.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Yes. I believe it does help even if it seems they are not cognitively aware. We did this with my husband’s mother. She has a massive stroke at the age of 50. No brain function and six months of having on with terrible pressure sores. All 5 children and spouses got together and told her it was okay to let go. She passed within the next week.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

My mom suffered hip replacement n overcame the challenge. She has Alzheimer’s n in a memory care unit. Some days she seems like she is dying and then recovers. She is Hospice status. She went 8 weeks w barely taking sips of water n no or little food. Now she has somewhat bounced back n begin eating purée food. I did tell her that she has worked hard all her life, traveled, danced n that her husband, my dad, has died. I told her it was okay to go to him. She looked at me w anger nd responded with a loud firm “NO”. Plus stated that “God will take her when he is ready”...she surprised me bc she is not really communicating either....

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Proves my point above EXACTLY. It is not up to US. We are, by doing this, telling them quite honestly that WE are ready for them to move on. At least that is how they often hear it. I was a nurse and saw this go wrong over and over and am surprised that Hospice is still remembering it.

(6)

Report

I just went through this February - March 2019. It does look like she is dying. My mother did not hang on though, I really didn’t think they had a choice. When the body is dying it is dying. I know my friend’s mother, who just died April 2019 his mother kind of did this, but didn’t hang on this long. My mother was 93.5 yo and his mother was 95. Maybe your mother is younger? I know I did tell my mother the day she was dying, which was quite evident she could let go. I think my mother heard all the talk amongst the Drs with her pressure sores so she decided to let herself go, after all, they were going to have to cut off her leg after 2 more attempts to heal, as it went into osteomyelitis. I didn’t need the Chaplin or the Hospice nurses to meet with to have to tell my mother she could go, I did it under the advice of the Hospice nurse because they told me to leave the room at times as sometimes they wait for you to leave the room and then die.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

As a nurse I am VERY AGAINST THIS. Sorry. I know they recommend. My friend, also a nurse, will NEVER forget the look in her brother's eyes when she said "It is OK, Nick, you can go. We will be OK. We'll always love you" and he looked up at her like "WHAT THE HECK! Am I DYING." People will go when their hearts, kidneys and lungs give out. Meanwhile just keep reassuring her that she is, has been a good Mom to you, that you will always love her. That you will have her with you all your life. THAT is a good way of saying you can go. But to say "You can go" when they are perhaps not ready to let go, themselves. NO. I think it is a huge mistake and have seen it go wrong more than once.

Helpful Answer (13)

Report

Amen. I know I would feel like my brothers and sisters thought I was a pain in their posterior if they said that to me on my deathbed. You are right - we can't shut down our own faculties. It is not within our power to do so. I was also very offended when my sister told Mom that she could "let go", She had rallied when they had given her a bolus of fluid the Friday before, and I think if they had been hydrating her and treating the infection with the appropriate antibiotic, she could have made it. Worst week of my life - and hers. My sister, who had not visited her for 3 years, and had not been supportive of me, all of a sudden showed up and was ready for Mom to die. It really stung. I don't want her anywhere near me when my time comes.

(6)

Report

My heart goes out to you and your family. This is a hard thing but I think it’s
okay to let them know they can let go. I did it years ago with my granddad. My mother was his only child. I promised and assured him I’d take care of her as she was the light of his life. I was in the room alone with him, held his hand and whispered it to him. He wasn’t conscious so I’ll never know if he heard me. He passed the next day. I don’t know if it helped him to know this or not. Maybe consider just one person to do it, and explain how the family, thanks to her lifetime of love and guidance, all promise to take care of each other. Ask her to come back to you in your prayers, if that’s her belief. My own mother is in memory care and i’ve Decided to have a personal and private chat with her if and when she gets to this stage. Maybe mothers in particular have a hard time letting go because of their lifetime of nurturing and caring. Hugs and peace to all of you. You seem like very special people.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

My mom is going through the exact same thing. The answer for you and family: God’s in control and He will welcome your mom home when His perfect purpose for her is fulfilled. It is not for you or hospice or doctors to determine when to end a life. Be patient, enjoy her good days, comfort her, love her while you can. I pray that God will give you peace during this time in your life.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

I truly understand your love and deep concern for your love one. It is not easy for you or her as she is in Hospice. I never gave my mother permission to move on and I truly believe that she held on just to satisfy me. However, my sister who came to visit saw our mother's anguish and gave her the permission to move on. Our mother lived about 5 to 8 hours after that. Today I wish that I had the talk with my mother sooner. Yet, there is no right or wrong answer to something so precious. Pray, follow your heart and proceed. Always know that you have nothing wrong. Play some soothing music as you approach the subject with your mother. I did give my Aunt permission to leave and I assured her that God would send someone to help me with her properties. She died soon thereafter. God Bless you and your family.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Mom was on her deathbed when my sister started telling her that and also that "Jesus was calling" (the phone was ringing down the hall and my sister thought is was something paranormal - it became a 3 ring circus). Your mom is still eating and drinking, so she still has a will to live.
The truth is we cannot chose when our hearts stop beating. If we could, I know many people who would have "let go" a long time ago. Just let her know you're there and hold her hand and comfort her. May you find comfort in knowing her heart will stop beating in His time not ours.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Yes, she is asking for permission from you or someone who she loves.

I guess before we found out that my dad was dying from lungs cancer at 90, he was holding on, and suffering for about 14 months at home after my mom passed because he was worried about who would take care of me... I have moderate to severe cerebral palsy. Then, he went to the hospice.

When I visited the second day, I was talking to him while he was dying and not responding. I told him that not to worry about me; I'll be fine with my assistants, it's okay to let go of me, and go ahead to leave from your body. I put Jazz music on before I went home.

The 3rd day my assistant and two of my friends were talking about me in front of my dad. I think Dad heard my assistant that she would be taken care of me and that I'd be strong enough near future.

Then, around 2 am Dad, passed with a little smile. I don't think his smile was a grimace after the rigor-mortis. He looked relieved.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

If have done this twice-with my father and in Nivember with my husband. The situations were very similar to yours. But assuring the loved one to "let go" is the most loving thing you can do. Bless their hearts for hanging on, but they are, for the most part, doing it for you. The family kissed him, had an anointing of oils and held his hands, gently saying "it's ok to let go-we love you." I hope this helps.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Caregiver, how are you and your family doing? Could you update us on your Mom's condition?
{{{HUGS}}}

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Hello DeeAnna,
Mom is still holding on. We've increased her pain meds a little, since her leg pain has increased some. We giver her ice tea or hot chocolate when we visit, depending on what she prefers. I take some nice Eucalyptus stress relieve lotion and apply it to her hands, arms and neck. Poor thing, she still has a good disposition and always thanks everyone for whatever they do for her. She amazes me. She is so thin.
We will just continue to visit as we have been doing. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me. We shall see how things continue.

(3)

Report

Thank all of you for your advice, best wishes, and prayers.
I decided not to have all the Hospice team and my brothers
meet up and approach Mom as a group to tell her she can let
go. I just wasn't sure how she would feel about that. I feel
it may upset her or make her feel overwhelmed or confused.
The more I think about it, I do agree that when God is ready for
her to leave this earth he will take her. I do reassure her that
we are all doing well, etc. I love her so much. We have been so
close and she has not only been a Mother to me but my best
friend and I will deeply miss her. I will never experience a love
like my Mother has shown me.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Thank you for the update. You know your Mom best and you have made the best decision for her. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. {{{HUGS}}}

(6)

Report

See 1 more reply

We went through this with my brother. I wasn't there but my mom was. They put him on the actively dying list on a Wednesday, my younger brother flew in from Greenland on Thursday. He waited until my younger brother to get there so he could give him the combination to a locker box he had.y mom told him it was okay to let go. He passed away on a Saturday, two days after my younger brother got there.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Sometimes the elder is waiting for "the okay to go." I have heard this tactic works. This wasn't the case for me as my mother had an ischemic stroke, never to speak again.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

We did this with my Dad. I told him a couple of days earlier that it was ok for him to go and that I would take care of Mom. Mom wasn’t ready at the time. She told him the next day that she loved him more than herself and that it was ok to go. He left 40 minutes later.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Do you think it is a good idea? The question here is do YOU think its a good idea? The answer is YES. You know that by letting her go it'll stop your Mom's suffering. Allowing her to hold on like this is selfish and cruel! Let. Her. Go.
Her body is done. Now her mind needs closure as well as affirmation from you and your siblings to go home. By telling her this, she'll get the closure she so desperately needs/wants from you. Give that to her! Then grieve her passing. That's what hospice is for.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Here,here. Great response. Do what you feel in your heart.

(3)

Report

See 1 more reply

1 2 3

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

76 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions