Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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My Mom has not eaten any real or nutritional meals for 5 months.
The past 5 months she may have a little yogurt or ice cream or cream of wheat. But the last 2 months she has really only had hot chocolate or some ice tea.

Now she is getting pressure sores on her feet. They are being treated, but we know she will only continue to get more since she has not been getting any protein or proper nutrition.

Over the past month or so, one day she seems she is on her death bed, the next she is doing okay. Hospice nurse says she is holding on for some reason. She suggests we all meet next week along with the Hospice nurses and Chaplin and tell Mom it's okay to let go.

Has anyone done this? Do you think it is a good idea? She has declined so much physically. Any advice from those of you who have had the same situation will be appreciated.

Care Decisions End of Life Hospice

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My father was dying and in Hospice, I spent the day talking and talking to him, finally, I said all I had to say and told him that I loved him and it was ok for him to let go, he died 1/2 hour later. He was at peace.

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Yes, my mother and I had to tell Dad it was okay to let go. That we'd be alright here on Earth without him, and that his mom, dad and brothers were waiting to welcome him to Heaven. He too was holding on......he would not let go until we told him he could, and then we had to all leave the room and close the door. His blood pressure immediately dropped and his breathing changed.....he passed 6 hrs later.

It's the hardest thing ever, and remembering that day makes me cry all over again. I'm so sorry for the terrible pain you're going thru, dear friend. God bless you and give you strength.

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GE
I am living this right now and it is the most gut wrenching experience any human being will experience. In our family food was the circle to family gatherings .This refusal to eat and drink is not about starvation or dehydration it is about your Love one having some final control over their end of life process. I cry a lot because it pains me to witness this daily. I have been caring for my mom since her illness 10 years ago and also lost a sibling to lung cancer at that time also a caregiver to . My mom’s really recent decline 18 months ago resulted in my decision to retired after 34 yrs of nrsg. It doesn’t make this experience any easier because we are in the health field it only makes issues worse because of our knowledge base. I pray each day thanking God for another day with my mom and know that one is never prepared for the end of life . Continue to pray asking God to help you one day at a time.

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Yes, i agree it is the hardest decision we have to make....i had to tell my dear soulmate it was ok for him to go, that we had almost 6 years together and they were the happiest time of both our lives and that i would be alright. I know he heard me and he gave his last breath....don’t remember too much more of those couple of months as we lost my granma and my dad passed just 2 weeks prior. But we carried on, as they would have wanted us to do. Blessings to you at this time. 💖 Liz

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Glad mom passed peacefully, & that u Hav the comfort of knowing she's with the Lord:)

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Hello Everyone. I just want to update all of you who took the time to answer my post. My Mother totally stopped eating and drinking liquids on Saturday. She stopped responding to us and stayed asleep. On Monday evening she finally passed.

I'm glad she is in God's Kingdom now, but I will miss her. I don't think her passing has totally hit me yet. I'm finalizing funeral arrangements, clearing out her items from the nursing home, etc.

We did continue to talk to her and tell her that we are all doing well, etc. and the last day or so I told her that she will get to see Daddy when she goes to heaven and that she can watch over us from heaven. Bless her and may she rest in peace, she fought long and hard.

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Such a hard position to be in. When they are in the active dying phase and cannot interact with us, they can still hear us. I believe that no one dies until thier time, but I do believe that we can give love and reassurance that they are loved and will be missed and that we will be ok until we see them again. I wonder if when they get this reassurance they relax and that makes the transition easier.

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The hospice chaplain felt like my dad was waiting for me to tell him it was ok, So, yes, I told my dad that he could trust God and place himself in God's hands. Shortly after that, he died.

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We are having to bid farewell to our mom. Three generations did so today as things have gone decidedly south. We each spent time privately with her. I thanked her for the the opportunities, experiences, education she provided me with. I told her we were going be ok. She had done a good job with us. And she should be proud of what she accomplished in life. Because man she did.. I told her it was ok to let go. We were going to be ok, because of her.

I have had to Do some hard stuff in life. I think this is the hardest.

Peace to you and your family. We have you in our hearts.

Godspeed.

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Thank you. Best wishes to your and your family too. Right now, it's a wait and see kind of deal from day to day.

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Well you can certainly tell your mom that you will be sad, that you will miss her, but that you will be OK when she is gone. If you feel it would help, it may reassure her that you will be OK. Since hospice has a lot of experience in this area, I would tend to respect their advise. I have sat with dying people who were unconscious and told them that it was OK to go. I'd like to address the eating issue. I made milkshakes for a relative dying from cancer. I included ice cream, coconut oil for calories, protein powder and some fruit. These were easy to drink, well liked and kept his weight up and him in good shape.

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i live In a different city than my parents and my mom has dementia and my dad was failing in health. I made sure I called him every week . I called him one day and he sounded like he was speaking slowly after talking a half hour he acted nervous and said if something happens to me I can’t take care of your mother . I realize that even though she was in the home being taken care of for dementia patients he was afraid to leave her behind . So I said that she can stay where she is right ? I think that’s surprising because he was thinking of how he was the one who needed to be there for her but I was pointing out that she was being taken care of well where she currently was . That seem to relieve him and I did say to him dad if anything happens to you I’ll be there to do whatever is needed . He died within an hour or two of that phone calls and I believe more at peace as if it was giving him reassurance it was OK to let go. I Picked up on the fact he was concerned it may happen soon. I think what you say and the timing is important. Very important to feel like you have a believe in God Jesus and will go to heaven .

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Three months ago, my husband suddenly got very ill. He had gone to work that Tuesday, and by Friday, he had died. For those two days that he was in ICU, I told him how much I loved him and would miss him, and if he wanted to fight, I would help him any way I could, but if he was ready to go, it was okay...and that we would always love him. The night before he passed, he seemed to be trying to "wake up", moving his arm and opening his eyes. He died the following morning.

My mom, who lives with me, has signs and symptoms of Alzheimers/Dementia but won't get diagnosed. She has other health issues as well, and talks about death a lot. She thinks she has to stay with me so I won't be alone. I keep telling her that I know how to be alone, and if it's time for her to go, that it's okay. Same thing...I tell her I will always love and miss her, but I understand. Every night, when I tuck her into bed, we hug and say "I'll love you forever, wherever we are."

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MelanieC--Your final sentence is priceless; thanks for sharing this!

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Merely my thoughts...death is imminent amongst us all, but more foreseeable in some than others at times. My dad passed almost 30 years ago, while in a coma, and we all told him whatever he decided to do was OK with us and he did pass. Fast forward to present day, my dear Mom is 88, suffers from Parkinson's, rheumatoid arthritus, dementia, weighs 88 pounds barely eating and we all talk very openly and honestly about this with her. For some reason, she appears to be hanging on and we just want her to feel completely comfortable with her final journey when it's time. I tell her she has been a great mother and being who has given unselfishly throughout her life and we all know how tired she must be and whatever she decides to do we understand. She deserves to pass on and struggle no more. It's an honor to help someone make ready for their final journey. Best of luck to you during this painful bittersweet time.

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I did this with my dad and grandmother. When my grandmother was dying I laid down next to her and whispered to her that it was OK to go we would all be fine. I told her I would take care of my parents and that she could go be with her husband. Within 5 minutes of me telling her that she passed.

With my dad, my mom and siblings sat around him and told him it was OK for him to go. He had suffered for several days. My siblings and I told him we would take care of mom and she would be OK, she also gave him permission to go. We all told him how much we loved him. He died within the hour.

Sometimes individuals hold on because they are concerned about the people they are leaving behind. By telling them you will be OK and giving them permission to pass on it can make a difference.

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I was 24 years old when my father died. Something inside of me said that he was holding on for my mother and me, that we wouldn't be okay. My mother was staying at the hospital and went home to take care of business. With my mother away, and while feeding my dad, I told him that he could let go; that my mother and I would be sad for awhile but okay. That I could never in a million years thank him enough for loving me and my mother, that when he awoke, again, he would be free of pain and sickness. He died, that night very peacefully, after my mother returned to the hospital. I will always remember his peace and ours.

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Yes , I did with my Dad...after we all arrived at the hospital to say goodbye....he was never conscious but I went in alone and told him we're all grown and he doesn't need to worry about us anymore...and he could let go now and rest....that was at 3AM....he passed on at 6AM.

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Do you think it is a good idea? The question here is do YOU think its a good idea? The answer is YES. You know that by letting her go it'll stop your Mom's suffering. Allowing her to hold on like this is selfish and cruel! Let. Her. Go.
Her body is done. Now her mind needs closure as well as affirmation from you and your siblings to go home. By telling her this, she'll get the closure she so desperately needs/wants from you. Give that to her! Then grieve her passing. That's what hospice is for.

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Here,here. Great response. Do what you feel in your heart.

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We did this with my Dad. I told him a couple of days earlier that it was ok for him to go and that I would take care of Mom. Mom wasn’t ready at the time. She told him the next day that she loved him more than herself and that it was ok to go. He left 40 minutes later.

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Sometimes the elder is waiting for "the okay to go." I have heard this tactic works. This wasn't the case for me as my mother had an ischemic stroke, never to speak again.

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We went through this with my brother. I wasn't there but my mom was. They put him on the actively dying list on a Wednesday, my younger brother flew in from Greenland on Thursday. He waited until my younger brother to get there so he could give him the combination to a locker box he had.y mom told him it was okay to let go. He passed away on a Saturday, two days after my younger brother got there.

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Thank all of you for your advice, best wishes, and prayers.
I decided not to have all the Hospice team and my brothers
meet up and approach Mom as a group to tell her she can let
go. I just wasn't sure how she would feel about that. I feel
it may upset her or make her feel overwhelmed or confused.
The more I think about it, I do agree that when God is ready for
her to leave this earth he will take her. I do reassure her that
we are all doing well, etc. I love her so much. We have been so
close and she has not only been a Mother to me but my best
friend and I will deeply miss her. I will never experience a love
like my Mother has shown me.

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Thank you for the update. You know your Mom best and you have made the best decision for her. Take care of yourself during this stressful time. {{{HUGS}}}

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Caregiver, how are you and your family doing? Could you update us on your Mom's condition?
{{{HUGS}}}

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Hello DeeAnna,
Mom is still holding on. We've increased her pain meds a little, since her leg pain has increased some. We giver her ice tea or hot chocolate when we visit, depending on what she prefers. I take some nice Eucalyptus stress relieve lotion and apply it to her hands, arms and neck. Poor thing, she still has a good disposition and always thanks everyone for whatever they do for her. She amazes me. She is so thin.
We will just continue to visit as we have been doing. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me. We shall see how things continue.

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If have done this twice-with my father and in Nivember with my husband. The situations were very similar to yours. But assuring the loved one to "let go" is the most loving thing you can do. Bless their hearts for hanging on, but they are, for the most part, doing it for you. The family kissed him, had an anointing of oils and held his hands, gently saying "it's ok to let go-we love you." I hope this helps.

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Yes, she is asking for permission from you or someone who she loves.

I guess before we found out that my dad was dying from lungs cancer at 90, he was holding on, and suffering for about 14 months at home after my mom passed because he was worried about who would take care of me... I have moderate to severe cerebral palsy. Then, he went to the hospice.

When I visited the second day, I was talking to him while he was dying and not responding. I told him that not to worry about me; I'll be fine with my assistants, it's okay to let go of me, and go ahead to leave from your body. I put Jazz music on before I went home.

The 3rd day my assistant and two of my friends were talking about me in front of my dad. I think Dad heard my assistant that she would be taken care of me and that I'd be strong enough near future.

Then, around 2 am Dad, passed with a little smile. I don't think his smile was a grimace after the rigor-mortis. He looked relieved.

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Mom was on her deathbed when my sister started telling her that and also that "Jesus was calling" (the phone was ringing down the hall and my sister thought is was something paranormal - it became a 3 ring circus). Your mom is still eating and drinking, so she still has a will to live.
The truth is we cannot chose when our hearts stop beating. If we could, I know many people who would have "let go" a long time ago. Just let her know you're there and hold her hand and comfort her. May you find comfort in knowing her heart will stop beating in His time not ours.

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I truly understand your love and deep concern for your love one. It is not easy for you or her as she is in Hospice. I never gave my mother permission to move on and I truly believe that she held on just to satisfy me. However, my sister who came to visit saw our mother's anguish and gave her the permission to move on. Our mother lived about 5 to 8 hours after that. Today I wish that I had the talk with my mother sooner. Yet, there is no right or wrong answer to something so precious. Pray, follow your heart and proceed. Always know that you have nothing wrong. Play some soothing music as you approach the subject with your mother. I did give my Aunt permission to leave and I assured her that God would send someone to help me with her properties. She died soon thereafter. God Bless you and your family.

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My mom is going through the exact same thing. The answer for you and family: God’s in control and He will welcome your mom home when His perfect purpose for her is fulfilled. It is not for you or hospice or doctors to determine when to end a life. Be patient, enjoy her good days, comfort her, love her while you can. I pray that God will give you peace during this time in your life.

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My heart goes out to you and your family. This is a hard thing but I think it’s
okay to let them know they can let go. I did it years ago with my granddad. My mother was his only child. I promised and assured him I’d take care of her as she was the light of his life. I was in the room alone with him, held his hand and whispered it to him. He wasn’t conscious so I’ll never know if he heard me. He passed the next day. I don’t know if it helped him to know this or not. Maybe consider just one person to do it, and explain how the family, thanks to her lifetime of love and guidance, all promise to take care of each other. Ask her to come back to you in your prayers, if that’s her belief. My own mother is in memory care and i’ve Decided to have a personal and private chat with her if and when she gets to this stage. Maybe mothers in particular have a hard time letting go because of their lifetime of nurturing and caring. Hugs and peace to all of you. You seem like very special people.

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As a nurse I am VERY AGAINST THIS. Sorry. I know they recommend. My friend, also a nurse, will NEVER forget the look in her brother's eyes when she said "It is OK, Nick, you can go. We will be OK. We'll always love you" and he looked up at her like "WHAT THE HECK! Am I DYING." People will go when their hearts, kidneys and lungs give out. Meanwhile just keep reassuring her that she is, has been a good Mom to you, that you will always love her. That you will have her with you all your life. THAT is a good way of saying you can go. But to say "You can go" when they are perhaps not ready to let go, themselves. NO. I think it is a huge mistake and have seen it go wrong more than once.

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Amen. I know I would feel like my brothers and sisters thought I was a pain in their posterior if they said that to me on my deathbed. You are right - we can't shut down our own faculties. It is not within our power to do so. I was also very offended when my sister told Mom that she could "let go", She had rallied when they had given her a bolus of fluid the Friday before, and I think if they had been hydrating her and treating the infection with the appropriate antibiotic, she could have made it. Worst week of my life - and hers. My sister, who had not visited her for 3 years, and had not been supportive of me, all of a sudden showed up and was ready for Mom to die. It really stung. I don't want her anywhere near me when my time comes.

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I just went through this February - March 2019. It does look like she is dying. My mother did not hang on though, I really didn’t think they had a choice. When the body is dying it is dying. I know my friend’s mother, who just died April 2019 his mother kind of did this, but didn’t hang on this long. My mother was 93.5 yo and his mother was 95. Maybe your mother is younger? I know I did tell my mother the day she was dying, which was quite evident she could let go. I think my mother heard all the talk amongst the Drs with her pressure sores so she decided to let herself go, after all, they were going to have to cut off her leg after 2 more attempts to heal, as it went into osteomyelitis. I didn’t need the Chaplin or the Hospice nurses to meet with to have to tell my mother she could go, I did it under the advice of the Hospice nurse because they told me to leave the room at times as sometimes they wait for you to leave the room and then die.

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Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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