Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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My mom suffered hip replacement n overcame the challenge. She has Alzheimer’s n in a memory care unit. Some days she seems like she is dying and then recovers. She is Hospice status. She went 8 weeks w barely taking sips of water n no or little food. Now she has somewhat bounced back n begin eating purée food. I did tell her that she has worked hard all her life, traveled, danced n that her husband, my dad, has died. I told her it was okay to go to him. She looked at me w anger nd responded with a loud firm “NO”. Plus stated that “God will take her when he is ready”...she surprised me bc she is not really communicating either....

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Proves my point above EXACTLY. It is not up to US. We are, by doing this, telling them quite honestly that WE are ready for them to move on. At least that is how they often hear it. I was a nurse and saw this go wrong over and over and am surprised that Hospice is still remembering it.

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Yes. I believe it does help even if it seems they are not cognitively aware. We did this with my husband’s mother. She has a massive stroke at the age of 50. No brain function and six months of having on with terrible pressure sores. All 5 children and spouses got together and told her it was okay to let go. She passed within the next week.

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Yes it time to tell her to let go. My Father passed 2years ago and he was acting the same way before he passed. We all got together with hospice on a tuesday morning and told him it was ok to go. He waited until me and my mother left and passed away. We told him that we would take care of Mom and he just slowly let go. It's ok to say goodbye but it also hurts so be prepared.

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I have been a hospice psychologist for 22 years in California. Now retired and living in Florida. I cannot tell you how many times patients have asked to be "released" from their pain or no pain just the situation. The fact that your mother has not eaten much recently shows she could be well aware of what is going on and any support from her family to let her know she can go towards her God, whomever that may be, will lessen her anxiousness. If she has voiced a fear of death then the use of a Chaplin and/or Rabbi can help enormously.

Take care and more importantly remember to look after yourself. M.D.

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I think if they ASK it is a whole other thing than volunteering that they can go. That sounds more like US being ready for them to go, not them.

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My Dad lingered almost 2 weeks close to death. He passed the day after my sister in law came to say goodbye to him. We think he was waiting for her.

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Yes, we did this with my Dad - however, individually, not as a group. Hospice is wonderful and the nurses were very helpful in explaining this to us. We just reassured Dad that we loved him and would always look after Mom and she would be well cared for. It was the hardest thing I ever did - to tell my Dad it was ok to let go - but it seemed to be what his mind/body needed because he died a short time later. Best wishes to you

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yes I have...it is ok to encourage your mom to let go...when my mom was dying several years ago...I was with her...the nurses told me she had days to live...she had been on a slow decline...I sat with her telling her what a great mom she had been...I read to her...I told her that we loved her and would miss her....she gave me a little smile....I asked if she would like to say the Lords's prayer..she sort of mumbled some of the words...I held her and said the 23rd psalm... before I finished she took her last breath.....

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How beautiful, what a wonderful daughter she had in life!

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This is the experience I had with a dear friend who died of cancer at the age of 52 years: she was in hospice awaiting death and under heavy sedation for pain control. Her family still kept hoping that she would make it and get better (?!?!?!). Two of her dogs that she loved more than anything had passed on already. So I told her that her dogs are waiting for her on the other side and that they would love for her to join them so she can play with them again. She passed away two days later. Then, about 3 years after her passing, I was told by a psychic where she was appearing for me that what I told her before her passing helped her leave this world. I truly believe this.
So, yes, let her know that it is OK for her go and that she'll be embraced by previous family members (you can name then) as well as by her pets if she had some.

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Yes, I have been through this and so have some other members of my family. Everyone needs to be there to let her know it is okay to let go. Once that has been done, give it some time. It may occur faster than you think it will. In the meantime, give yourselves the knowledge that you have done all that you can do and be sure to hang on to the memories that you have made. Take care!

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Been there, done that.

When my father was at the end stage of dementia, I asked the staff to put the phone next to his ear. I told him that it had been 3 years since my mom had died - and it was perfectly fine if he wanted to "let go." (I lived 500 miles away.)

He died peacefully a couple of days later during his afternoon nap. I really think he needed my "permission" to die.

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First of all, I’m sending a hug your way as I know what you’re going through. Yes, Hospice told me that it was an important part of the dying process that I let my mom know it was okay for her to let go and leave me and the rest of the family. She lived with me for 12 years and I was her sole caregiver. I waited until it was imminent that there no longer was any hope for recovery and asked God for the strength to tell my mom, my rock and best friend, that I would be okay without her. I whispered to her softly everything I knew that would comfort her and make it easier for her to leave me and go join my step dad who’d been waiting years for her. It’s extremely tough to do but it’s one of the most selfless gifts you can give to the person you love. You’ll find the strength.....and God bless you all.

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It's not clear, in your comment, if your mother is mentally alert and capable of making decisions or in some sort of fading away and barely communicative. Just because someone is a hospice nurse doesn't mean they know it "all" and are experts in everything or in how EVERY family handles these circumstances. It's rough territory to tread in, to be sure. It's not clear that she is within her last days or hours...I know when I was the one sitting beside my beloved uncle, I talked to him though he was sedated and on a respirator after a massive heart attack. I told him how much I loved him, and that I didn't want to lose him, but if he had to go I would understand. It seemed right in the moment...and he did eventually pass...In the end (no pun intended) only you and your family can make these decisions of what to say. It's so hard...

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Not sure you have to have a group proclamation for Mom.

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agree

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I’m so sorry. I know what you are going through. I believe the following three phrases should be said to a dying person:
You will not be alone
You will not feel pain
We will be OK

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Yes. Have done that. That is an important step. In the Bible, they would call in the family, bless them, and then pass on.
You need to ask if she is ready to go. If she says "yes", then
release her to go and tell her it is ok & you understand her body is just
giving out and you don't want her to suffer any more. Each of the
children need to release her. If there is some unfinished business she
needs to take care of, then help her do that. If she needs to make peace
with God or anyone else, help her do that.

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Yes, always ask.

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I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It's not easy and many hugs coming your way.
When my mother was in hospice I had this gut feeling she was holding on waiting to hear from my brother. My brother had a very hard time excepting Mom was going to move on, and wouldn't come up to the hospital to see her.
No judgement on my brothers part, we all handle things differently, and my sister and I knew my bother loved Mom dearly.
I told my sister what I was feeling, and suggested maybe Mike could talk to her on the phone and say his goodbyes.
My mother was not responsive at all, except for gurgle sounds. But my brother did call her, and we held the phone up to her ear so she could hear him. It was heartbreaking because you could hear my brother crying as he told Mom it was okay to go home now.
This happen in the early evening and my mother died the next morning. She was waiting to hear from her son.
So yes, I believe in telling someone it's ok to go, but sometimes they're waiting for something or someone.
I hope your mom finds peace soon, I know from past experiences it takes a toll on everyone.
God bless you and guide you, and comfort you.💕

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I told my Husband that I would be alright, I loved him and I wanted him to say HI to my Mom and Dad.
I told him I would miss him but it was not fair for me to want him to stay with me. Odd thing...maybe not so odd his daughter and family had been estranged for a while but when I got word to her that her dad was not doing well she came to visit and was there every day. It was then that I was able to write his obituary and he died that same week. I do believe he was waiting for his daughter.

I read a pamphlet Crossing the Creek (you can download it and it is well worth reading) and one of the things that was mentioned is that much of the sleeping that is done is a way to process "unresolved" things. And I think the estrangement was an "unresolved" item on the list.

Saying goodbye and telling her you will be alright, thank her for all she has taught you is important for her but important for you as well. She needs to know you will be all right but you need to tell yourself you will be all right. She has done her "job" and raised a strong independent individual. She can rest easy. And so can you knowing that you have done all you could.

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Back in 1989 my mother was in a nursing home for two months. In that time period she was not eating because when you put food in her mouth she fell back to sleep and did not swallow. Also she was gotten up and dressed every day but still got a sore on her left heel which quickly turned black. She had gangrene. I visited her daily but on one occasion it was evident that she was going to die. I spent the night and half the day up there but she kept drifting in and out. The head nurse took me into their break room and got me a cup of coffee then she told me my mother was hanging on for me. I was all that was left of the family still alone and unmarried. She told me it would be kinder of me to go in and tell my mother that I was going to be okay and that she should let go. I took her advise and went back to my mother. She was asleep, I sat on the edge of her bed and told her not to worry about me, I could and would be alright. She came awake and tried to sit up by grabbing on to me.I put my arms around her to support her. She was trying to say something but I repeated what I had told her only this time I told her that she had done all she could here and that I loved her and it was time for me to take care of myself, I would be fine. She gave a sigh, fell back onto the bed and closed her eyes. We stayed like that while I tried to see if she was still breathing.Of course I knew she wasn't because before you could hear her breath, it was quite loud. The nurse came by and looked in then came in and listened to her heart and pronounced her dead. I then opened the window beside her bed as my mother had instructed me to, to let her soul leave. I gathered my things and left. It was a while before it all sank in because I was busy calling my siblings with news. They both agreed that I had done the right thing. Take the nurses advice and let your mother go to her rest. Some mothers just don't feel free to let go if they think one of their children still needs them. I'm sure this applies to dads and others as well. When we are ready to die we must have to feel that we haven't left something undone here on earth. So it is a kindness on your part to assure your mom that her work here is done. I hope this helps you. May the lord help you and your family through this.

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I did this with my step mom. I told her Tony, my dad was waiting for her and it was time to let go. Shortly after she passed. Sometimes it feels as though they need your approval

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My father fought hard in his final weeks. When it was obvious that the end was near but he still refused to let go, I whispered in his ear that I loved him, my mom and brother and my daughter -- his only grandchild -- loved him. I promised to make sure Mom and my brother were ok and that it was okay for him to stop worrying about them and rest. I have no idea if he heard or even understood me but he said "Yes" very clearly and passed away two days later.

Two years later when my Mom was near the end and also holding on, I did the same, adding that her beautiful granddaughter was all grown up and had been accepted at four top colleges. I promised to take care of my brother as well. She grunted (she had stopped speaking weeks before) and passed away a week later.

Both of my parents died on the same date two years apart...my dad on New Year's Eve 2014 and my mom on New Year's Eve 2016. I often wonder if my mom knew somehow and held on for that specific date.

If someone you love is suffering and holding on for whatever reason, yes it's alright to reassure them and tell them it's ok to let go. If I'm holding on for some reason when my time comes I hope my family does the same for me.

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Yes, I have done this. With my own mother, and both my brother and I wish we had not. I believe this is the dying person's journey. It is up to them to have a farewell they design, and if we can just be patient, giving it over to them, we will have no regrets. I've come to believe, it's close to being disrespectful to try to hasten along the leaving of anyone in their last hours or days. If you want to tell her you will all miss her and never forget her, that's one thing. But to say "Let go, let go", seems to me to be pushing someone on, when they have their own reasons for "coming in and out."
Bless all of you. It is a privilege to attend the death of another. I'll be holding you all "In the Light".

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your response is very well thought out. I believe that what you said is the right way to approach this.
Thank you

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My grandmother, my mother's mother, was not in hospice but in rural hospital, she was having bouts of very light fever, but really nothing else. She had advanced dementia while in nursing care for some time. My mother stayed with her until the end. But the last bout of fever mother just couldn't go to her again. Too hard & such grief. There was no suffering but tough. I asked my mother what she wanted to do. She told me that little granny said wanted to go home. She was ok and ready. We prayed, asking that little granny & Lord work this out between them. If she wanted to go home then we were in agreement. Next day little granny set up in bed, perfectly normal talking with family, grandchildren. No dementia, no fever, etc. Once folks left or walked into the hallway, little granny laid back down, feel asleep, then she went home within a few minutes.
Total peace.
It's tough to experience what you are experiencing. It's heart breaking. Yet, assure her everything and everyone is ok and she can go if she wants and you'll see her later.
Blessings

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I just told my Mom it was ok to go. She passed May 1st. It has been a tough time for me since she passed but I also feel better that she is not suffering with little quality of life. I think you should tell her it is ok and that you love her and that you will be fine.

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I have not personally done this.
A friend had a mom in this situation. My friend spoke to her mom telling her it was ok if she felt she needed to leave this earth. She told her that she (my friend) had been well cared for and would be good going forward. Mom had done a good job.

Her mom passed away that night.

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My mother was the same. It was really hard but eventually she passed away peacefully. It was really hard on us, she seemed better and then not so good. It seems there was something she was holding on until she finally went. With a smile on her face.

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I SAID A PRAYER TO GO TO DAD. THAT IT IS OK. I TOLD HER THAT DAD WAS WAITING FOR HER. EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT . THAT NIGHT SHE PASSED WAY. I COULD SEE HER RUNNING TO DAD.

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Hi Caregiver
Yes its been years but my Dad was holding on until my husband held him and said he'd always take care of me. I did this in Dec 2017 when my husband was dying and was able to thank him. Blessings to you and your family.

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My mom went in and out of end of life symptoms, hallucinations, periodic delirium, etc. for nearly 2 years and was bedridden for nearly a year at the end. She was clearly not happy this way. It was exhausting to her and to me as well. She finally passed on when I told her that," Mom, no matter what happens, I will be ok" . Mom finally found peace 3 years ago, but I do miss her terribly and am not over the rough decline she had. I am grateful she found peace from this very rough time at the end, but don't understand why it had to be so hard.

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Katie22, Your Mom's suffering is over with and finished forever now that Her Soul is in Heaven with the Lord. As long as We can believe this and I really do believe with all of my heart then it does make Our pain of great loss that little bit more bearable. Peace and Blessings to You Katie. Your Mom is Praying and looking after You now because You were so good to Care for Your Dear Mom, RIP.

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It does depend on the person and circumstances. We were called by my husband's sister who said they were told their father was in decline and to come right away. We got on a plane and once landing drove directly to him. No one could say it, but my husband leaned over his father and gently said, "Dad, it's okay to go." Within minutes, his father took his last breath. It was a painfully sad yet so poignant for all of us. Afterwards, my husband's brother said he was glad he said it, because he couldn't. I wish you the best.

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My late mother dropped dead suddenly from undiagnosed heart trouble (she finally had an attack she couldn't brush off as acid reflux). My brother and I had to tell Dad, who was terminal and in another hospital, also had Parkinsons's so didn't believe us for 3 times. It was excruciating for us, and when he ended up in a nursing home and Mom wasn't there every day as she would have been, to see him, he finally realized it must be true and I firmly believe he decided to die at that point. (The doctors had said he couldn't gone anytime for the past 5 years but he kept holding on.) So if you can bring yourself or your siblings to discuss with your dear Mom that she might make that choice, it could help her and all of you avoid more prolonged mental and physical suffering. I believe many of them know when their time is up anyway, if they will admit it to themselves and let God take them home.

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Mom keeps holding on... Should we tell her she can let go?

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