Mom & dad lived in a small house in a senior community in India. After dad passed away, mom lived there alone - ie. she would eat her meals in the common dining room and chitchat with other residents there after meals. But she was alone in her house at night. She also had no hobbies or interests except to watch TV/ read newspapers and magazines. Mom was never a go-getter and always had to be pushed to do things/join groups for outings . I would visit her there for 2 weeks or get her here for a few months.
I'm wondering if living alone in the house and no hobbies accelerated her dementia. Did plaque build up in her brain because she was mindlessly watching TV, snoozing and waiting for her next meal? Even if the senior community organized events, mom was not a joiner and I'd call from here to remind her to be with people and not sit alone in her house.
Mom is on hospice now at home with me after a fall and refusal to cooperate in the rehab. When I see her so bedridden, I keep asking myself how could she decline so rapidly, was it the pattern of doing nothing in that senior community ?
I used to feel the same way about my mom. Other folks were out DOING stuff and she was sitting and reading.
The older I get, the more I understand. I want to stay home and read too.
I think yours is a useful and validating post. It was for me, at least.
Your Mom had some socialization in India. SHE chose to be alone at night. Even if she had been in your home in the early days, would she have been willing to be more active? My Mom was with me 20 months when I placed her in an AL. She declined each month she was here and each of the 8 months in AL. And she adapted well to AL. Was kept in the Common area most of the time so she had socialization and activities. About 6 months in an aide that had been at her Daycare said to me she couldn't believe how much Mom had declined. My Mom seemed happy there. Never asked to go home. Walked around inside the building, sitting to relax in the chairs placed every so often. When she went to LTC again she adapted and seemed content but her decline was constant. Five months in, she passed.
Really, its what it is. How old is Mom now, in her 80s. Weary, we don't live forever. You have been a good daughter. You brought her here knowing she could not receive our benefits. You have a husband who stood behind you. You worked so u could pay her health insurance. You've worried and fretted. It isn't good to wonder "what if". I so wish we could go back in time and see if our decisions were good ones. Should I have taken another path.
Its time now to allow her to go peacefully and to know u did enough.
Mom seems very comfortable on hospice...she won't go anytime soon.
I've known very cognitively and physically active folks who developed dementia. My uncle played golf every day, did the NY Times crossword (in ink), socialized extensively...and died of dementia.
I've read about brilliant surgeons, psychiatrists, professional musicians...with dementia.
I don't think inactivity hastened your mom's dementia.
(((Hugs)))
It is possible that your dad helped cover some of the indications that mom had dementia.
It is also possible that his death caused a more rapid decline.
It is possible that if your dad had been ill for a while you and other family members were more concerned about him, noticed his decline and not your moms or shrugged it off as "stress"
If her health declined that may have had some impact. (Is there a diagnosis of a particular type of dementia? Vascular dementia, caused by mini strokes could be linked to other health problems)
It is possible that some isolation had a bit to do with a decline. I know many people over the past 3-4 years (coincidence with the pandemic. I think not) have had noticeable declines in mental as well as physical health.
What ever the cause, whatever the reason it really does not matter. It can't be fixed, the medications that are available work for a short time if at all.
The best you can do is make sure she has the care and help that she needs and use this time to talk to her, be there for her.
Many people thrive without others hassling them to go here or there or drive around or shop or whatever. Solitary pursuits can be very rewarding - much more so than, say, gossiping with friends, getting involved in talking with people who don’t have our interests, or engaging in pastimes we don’t really like. A whole universe can exist in our heads! And no one anywhere needs a lump occupying space on the couch to watch TV with them! I mean, why??
I’m sorry about your mom, but you’ll feel better if you accept that she lived as she liked, and that being alone in the evenings didn’t stimulate growth of plaques in her brain.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/dementia-frequent-loneliness-may-raise-risk#:~:text=Individuals%20under%20the%20age%20of,did%20not%20have%20the%20condition.