She is suffering from very poor short time memory, but lives with herself and manages her household even the kitchen well. The symptoms indicate she is beginning dementia. She suffers from light depression. The problem with my daugter started a year ago, where she accused her of going into her house, and arranging things. She even accused her of taking her coffeebox and having her brother return it the next day. She belives my daughter have keys to her house(which she hasnt) and that she locks herself in whenever she feels like it. If she brings up the topic with us she can be very agrressive/violent and say my daughter is not welcome in her house anymore. While at other times we bring it up(she's a christian) and says that when Christ preaches love how can she hate her own grandchild. We have tried this approach, and we have agreed that we all should leave it behind us. But still it does not go away from her side. My daughter(I dont blame her) does not want to see her grandmother anymore. This of course put a toll on the family, and we dont know if we have found the best way to deal with it. If anybody has experience the similar situation and have found a way to overcome this I would be very grateful
Regards
G Skjong
As you have probably discovered, arguing, reasoning, and logic do not help. Probably changing the locks would not help. Pointing out that her behavior is inconsistent with her religious beliefs involves logic and that doesn't help. Because in addition to losing her short term memory, poor Mom is losing the ability to reason and to apply logic. This is not her fault. It is not your daughter's fault. It is just the reality of the disease.
Try to focus on her distress and not the accusations. "Your coffeebox went missing? Oh, Mother, that is awful! You must have been vexed, I don't blame you. But I am so glad to see it is back now." "Well, Mother, Granddaughter really does think highly of you and admires your taste, so I can see why you might think she'd want something of yours, but I am sure that she would ask you politely. But however it went missing I am very sorry for your inconvenience. Should we have a nice cup of coffee now to celebrate the reappearance of the box?"
Don't try to convince her what she believes didn't happen, but sympathize with her feelings, express doubt that the accused did it but don't dwell on trying to convince her, and then redirect the conversation."
DGinGA is right that dementia generally reaches a point where the person who has it cannot live safely at home. Take this behavior as a prod to start planning for the future
And JessieBelle is correct that sometimes the paranoia lasts only a limited time. We'll all hope that is the case for your Mother.
If your mother is experiencing dementia and paranoia, you may be at the point where she can no longer be independent. This means either she requires full-time care, or she needs to live with a family member or in assisted living. We found with my parents that their dementia became much worse when they were not in their own home. My sibs and I now take turns caring for them in their home. If that is not an option, it sounds like Mom will have to move. There are many nice assisted living facilities, and I found that some have also been accredited for long term nursing care as well, so residents won't have to leave assisted living when the time comes for custodial nursing care.
I think it is fine that your daughter stay away. This is not the grandma she used to know. In your shoes I would just tell my mother that the daughter would never do that, and just leave it. You don't have to argue. Maybe if something is misplaced you can help her find it. Assure her the daughter doesn't have a key. Let your daughter know she isn't doing anything wrong, that it is just part of the sickness. Chances are the paranoia aimed at her will pass in time.
Most of the advice I've received about delusions in dementia patients is to reassure. Oh Mom, I'm sure she will bring the key back tomorrow! She just needed some coffee yesterday. You cannot conbince or reason with a person who has no reasoning ability any more.