Mom threatening me with legal action, from Laura.
This will be a strange tale. More drama. Here are my previous posts about my mom if anyone cares to read them:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/update-from-laural271-re-mom-484815.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
My mom has been piling on the pressure to come live with DH and me. I have said no repeatedly, telling her we wouldn't be able to stand living with her and that my marriage comes first. Every time this has come up, she has told me that I'm the worst daughter alive and that I am terribly selfish, etc.
I am presently dealing with so much stress with my husband's health declining, and also with my sweet daughter being worried sick about her daughter being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Leave it to my mom to add to the stress. She's good at it.
Mom was very child-like during all my growing-up years when she got sick. Even with just a routine virus or infection, she whined and cried for me to help her; I won't go into specifics but it repulsed me when I was very young. She has always wanted me to take care of her. I assisted her after a few hospital stays during the past 7 years (here and there) and she was never appreciative, just mean as a snake and demanding and foul-mouthed. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough for her.
She's 90. She has a pacemaker for bradycardia (slow heartbeat). She has very bad CHF, arthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, and pain from neuropathy. It's very hard for her to get around. She wants to live forever and chooses every medical therapy available. She's considering getting an implanted defibrillator. She's in so much pain that she's miserable and uncomfortable. She lives in another state a little over 6 hours from me.
A friend was helping her for a while but from what I can tell, the friend has disappeared. I suspect my mom showed her true self so the friend decided she was done..
Apparently Mom's physical condition has worsened, so she's looked into hiring some help. She refuses to consider leaving her home. She has been interviewing agencies who provide home caregivers. She says she needs someone about 4 hours in the morning and someone else 4 hours in the evening. She then told me that it's much more expensive than she thought it would be. She says her monthly income won't cover the cost, and that she needs help. She wants $1000/month from us, which would be $12,000 a year.
I told her this wouldn't be possible and that she should interview other agencies or consider cutting back on the hours of assistance.
She exploded and started yelling. She told me that she has talked to her lawyer about me. She says I can be seen as abandoning her since I gave up the POA and don't assist her in any way. She also said that in her state I can be sued for failure to support a parent. It would be a Class II misdemeanor. She then said that if I want to continue being a bitch to her that I could find myself in jail. I stayed calm despite all this drama and told her my DH will never agree to subsidizing her and I told her again to amend the assistance she is needing or consider going into a board/care home or ALF, and I ended the call.
I called my lawyer today, and he said that Mom's state does have the ability to bring a criminal penalty for failure to support a parent. The state that I live in has the same law, but he thinks it's reserved for egregious situations such as a parent living in squalor or homeless. He says that he has never seen that happen in our region, but he recommended that I talk to a lawyer in her state.
I already have a lawyer in Mom's county/state since I've had trouble from her before, but he is out of town for 2 weeks, darn.
So my question is - has anyone else heard of this?
Hugs to all.
26 Answers
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Looks like OP already gave up POA.
Do not trust your mother . She will try to make your life miserable . My mother hit me then told me she was going to tell the police that I hit her , which I didn’t . She said to me “ who are they going to believe , you or the old lady ?” She threatened this because she wasn’t getting her way. She had dementia. She actually did call the police a different day and told them I stole her money . She was in a facility by then and the facility director told the police she had dementia. The police did call me to warn me what Mom did and recommended I stay away , which I did for 6 weeks. I was her POA. I should have given it up .
Whether your mother is competent or not , give up POA , let the authorities get her a guardian when needed . You have to protect yourself from what lies she may come up with. In your case I would go No Contact forever.
Tell this ridiculous old woman to "Make my day; go ahead. Sue."
And let THOSE be your last words to this abuser.
First understand that anyone can bring an action against anyone.
I can go to an attorney and pay him to sue someone out of the phone book in New York City any day I want.
Will I win.
NO.
Will any attorney take such a case? Of course not.
And no one will take your mom's ridiculousness either.
Are you not a smarter woman than this, because I always thought so.
Your mother is clearly WITH IT ENOUGH not to qualify under abandonment.
And you do not have to SERVE as her POA whether she is or is NOT.
HERE IS WHAT YOU DO (and if you are smart you do it today).
You simply get a note from your own MD that you currently are under too much familial stress to competently serve as her POA. You then walk to the attorney office (any) and have a resignation letter with attachment done. This gets a court action started to tell court you cannot serve. The court appoints another family member willing (if Mom cannot do this herself) or makes your mother a ward of the state. If mom is competent you only have to give her a letter of resignation. Do it today. Hand write it and hand it in, and trust me, no one is suing you for anything.
I will tell you one thing, you ever take this nasty woman into your home I sure am done with you, because that would quite honestly mean that you cannot be saved.
I would withdraw from anything to do with her.
Be certain you turn over to new POA, court, or you mother (if competent) her records of all money in and out. This action of your now is paid by the POA )(HER) until you are no longer POA.
Go to each entity by person (Bank officers) or by registered mail to show you have resigned as her POA. Refer them to new one or to her own mailbox.
Jeez. I just had surgery yesterday and now had to spend all this time on this silliness.
LauraL..............................I know you. You are a good deal smarter than this.
As to your Mom, tell her "Well, you have DONE IT NOW. I quit. I quit as daughter as well as POA. Go ahead SUE ME"
https://outofthefog.website/
Whatever is wrong with your mom, doesn't matter anymore. She has just threatened to ruin you if you don't bow to her and that says everything anyone should ever need to hear to be done with a person.
I am so sorry, it is gut wrenching to lose a parent this way.
I did some research a few years back on filial laws. What I understood was that the state would go after someone that was financially well off if their parent(s) were left unable to eat, afford housing or basic necessities, not a thing about propping up their wants. So, unless you have a few million dollars laying around this is not a problem, especially if she gets enough SS to cover her necessities, which a private aid 8 hours a day is not part of it.
I would be very tempted to tell her to please have me arrested, that way you won't have to ever worry about taking a call from her again.
I would contact my lawyer and have him send her a cease and desist letter. People cannot force you to take care of anybody, elder or not. You are dealing with your own health issues and your husband's health. Also, these people do not know your circumstances. You two come first before anything else.
Next, call APS and report her for self neglect if need be. However, I would tread lightly on this since she is liable to flip the script on you again. That is, if she is self neglectful. However, I wouldn't be any further involved with any of this nonsense. I would avoid any action that would keep me tied to this individual. It sounds to me she does all right hiring folks. She has no problem shooting off her big mouth making threats to you. Let her hire help until her money runs out. You've done your part. Next block her number and stop contacting her. It is time to cut the cord and stop allowing this pint sized, loud-mouth tryrant call and harrass you non stop with her foolishness. She does it because it works. I have no qualms hanging up the phone when people like this call me. I have been known to have a few loud choice words before hanging the phone up. I had threatened to sue one agency if they didn't leave me alone about my sister. I told them they were getting made up false accusations, and that I had to work. I told them to show up on weekends because I worked full time and couldn't take off work everytime some idiot decided to drop a turd. They were putting so much pressure on me while I was trying to work full time, raise my own daughter and go to college. I stayed and started the placement process. Sister was placed in a group home. I had no contact with my family for almost seven years after I left. I didn't see them again until seven years later. My oldest sister had been calling and making false reports to these people.
The way to help a senior with this type of mouth is don't start this mess in the first place. Get the necessary agencies involved and refuse to sign any POA's or other documents making you liable.
I had a client that I had for eight hours. This lady would self medicate and would not answer the door when I would arrived for my shift. I would be sitting in the car for almost an hour before someone from the office could contact her. I would call the office and no one would pick up the phone! So, I had to keep calling until someone answered. I was due at her home at ten o'clock and one time, I didn't get in her home until 11:00 am. One time a relative had to come and open the door for me. He was on his motocycle getting ready to get on the beltway. The agency tried to get me to stay on with her. I was done after she blocked me on the basement step with her walker and would not let me out. She said that she needed me for longer hours. I could not fathom staying with this person for twelve hours straight. I was subjected to all types of verbal abuse for the six weeks I was with her. I called the agency and told them that this woman was verbally abusive, blocked me on the basement step with her walker, prevented me from clocking out and leaving her home. The first thing they asked is did I complete my shift. Most of the other aides would run out of the house crying. They tried to get me to come back and I was like, hell no! I found out later from another staffing coordinator that many of their nurses quit after dealing with her. I followed suit. I figure if someone is that combative and they can't keep her staffed, it was not my problem. You should never! and I mean never! allow some old person to have that much control!
I wonder what the hell is wrong with these agencies that listen to these crazy old tyrants!
OMG! I can't believe what you were put through. See, there's no way I'd be as tolerant as you for even one second.
Someone tries to block me in the cellar with their walker reasoning with them verbally does not diffuse the situation, one of two possible outcomes happen.
They get shoved to the ground by me and I walk away. Or they get pepper sprayed and I walk away. I have done both on jobs. My safety is my priority 24/7. It comes before the needs of any client and even their safety.
I know what you mean about the agency being pushy. Been there many times where some agency expects that I can be in two places at once because "some idiot dropped a turd" as you say (I thank you for this morning laugh LOL). I don't rush and I don't hurry.
Sometimes I have to call one of my girls unexpectedly or need them to cover a shift or work a holiday. If anyone has to go out of their way they always know I'll make it worth their while. Even if I only break even on the hours. There have been times where I had to work someone's hours and believe me, I'd rather lose money then have to do that.
No one needs to be playing any of these nonsense games with anyone family or client.
If you refuse to be a player, there can't be any games.
I have told you many times that I hope you will consider private-duty care where you pick and choose what client's you'll work for. You're too good for the kind of assignments these agencies are giving you.
I'll tell you one thing, if we were not in different parts of the country, I'd have you working for me in a second.
I'm impressed at your response.
Block her go no contact, I did that with my abusive mother 13 years ago, best years of my adult life.
If she cannot afford home care then she needs to go into a facility, it will cost her much less, she can sell off everything she owns to pay for her care.
She doesn't have a leg to stand on, no pun intended.
Keep your boundaries, take care of you and your family she is beyond help.
My mouth output would go something like this:
"Bite me. I gave up POA because you're being a [not nice female dog.] Sue me and I'll counter sue for wrongful life. See...anyone can sue for anything and say they are going to sue. If you want to have me charged for abandonment, go for it. As that is a criminal claim, have county legal contact my attorney. While you are at it, have your attorney contact me when you're dead. By the time I've requested a jury trial for such a frivolous item, I expect you'll be dead or attorneys very well paid. Otherwise, we're done. Any further contact should be made thru my attorney."
Then I'd cut off all contact. Even going so far as not giving her the name of my attorney of record.
FWIW, I was semi-estranged -- every 10 years +/- dad and step would show up unannounced at my door -- from dad for many decades before he died. I give him props for continuing to care but am still comfortable with my decision to not take his emotional baggage as my own. IMO, good (high) fences make good neighbors and good (strong) boundaries make "tolerable" relatives. Set and maintain good strong boundaries with mom.
Don't let the two week wait cause excessive worry; causes additional stress, which is very bad for health. Talk to the attorney and decide off that advice. Good luck.
Good points and true. If the mother is trying to extort $1000 a month from the OP, she can't afford a lawyer to take her daughter into court for anything.
The seniors of today do have a grotesquely bloated sense of entitlement but lawyers don't accept that as payment.
Personally, I have never heard of such nonsense where adult children with no legal authority can be forced to take care of a parent. I have never heard of a state with a law that says a parent has to take care of an adult child either that they are not a conservator/guardian.
I'l tell you one thing if my mother ever threatened to see me in jail if I continue being a "b***h" to her, she would be dead to me. There would not be a word from me by by phone, mail, carrier pigeon. smoke signal... In fact, there was no word from me for six years and I didn't even have her at my second wedding. She ruined the first one, so I figured why risk it. You don't have to take her crap.
You DO NOT have to take your mother to live with you. Any state that would try to force you to will be in for the legal fight of their life. Any lawyer would make a name for himself arguing for a client like you. So keep that in mind.
Don't let your mother rattle your cage with her threats. Tell her that she is never living in your home and you will see this law she threatens you with argued all the way to the Supreme Court if needs be to keep her out of your home.
By the way, her demanding $1,000 a month from you and your husband is called extortion and that is illegal in all 50 states. You should really let her know that and don't send her a damn cent. Not one red penny, my friend. Let her get on Medicaid and placed in a LTC facility.
No one is going to pay for her to have 8 hours a day of homecare. So unless she's wealthy, that's off the table. She can go into a facility.
She has no right to threaten you. I’d block her calls.
Must've been lotsa fun growing up in your house.
If she thinks care is expensive, has she ever had to pay an attorney? It's possible an attorney will see that she's a hot mess and send her away.
If you are her PoA, resign. If you want to make a statement, file for a restraining order against her.
You are buffered from her by 6 hours of distance. Live your life and stop giving her any attention. Any.
If she files legal stuff, then get a lawyer to do all the responding in a legal way. Thats it
If you are happy with zero communication with her, well this is giving you every reason to do so. No need to feel any guilt
Your Mom has options. She owns a house, she can sell it and enter a nice AL using the proceeds. Get an small apt and use the proceeds to pay an aide. Your husband trumps Mom. His care comes first as does ur daughter. Mom has options she can take advantage of. Just stick by your guns. Tell her and anyone who calls regarding Mom. "My plate is full caring for my DH. Mom has options but won't take advantage of them. For reasons I will not get into now, no, she cannot live with us. As I said, I am caring for my husband."
I would not keep saying "no you can't live with me". I may say it one more time saying "This is the last time I will say it (saying slowly and firmly) YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH ME!. If you ask again, I will block ur phone and stop talking to you altogether." And do it.
Ignore her calls and any attempts at communication.
Filial responsibility laws only apply to parents that are impoverished and even then the only state to ever try and get money from a child to care for a parent was in PA and that case was dropped when said parent applied for and was approved for medicaid. Your mother owns a home and has money to pay her bills so she is not impoverished in anyway.
If I were you I would stop taking her calls all together. Simply block her number and stop dealing with her. If she has money to invest in a lawyer to try and sue you to fund her desire to stay in her home then she certainly has enough money to pay for her day to day living expenses.
And OMG I can't believe she is so desperate to cling to her miserable life that she wants a defibrillator implanted so she can live forever. Talk about a living nightmare for you.
Your mother sounds like a truly mean and nasty woman. I am very sorry you have to deal with the stress of her threats even though nothing will come of it.
Wait 2 weeks and speak to your lawyer who's out of town, for peace of mind, and then cut "mother" out of your life. Real mother's do not threaten their children with extortion, sorry.
This fillial law nonsense about being forced to take care of and provide for a parent probably would be less than a misdemeanor at best.