Mom had a total knee replacement yesterday, she waited until the pain was unbearable before she decided to get it. Prior to surgery she talked to family and friends about how she needed to complete rehab so that she would be able to walk again without problems. She had surgery yesterday. Today she called and said she wants me to pick her up today. Mom is 87 and her home is not conducive to rehab... I told her I couldn't pick her up because I'm at work (true).. Do we just refuse her? The nurse said she seemed to be doing fine, not making any complaints to the nurses. Is this homesickness?
The second time she insisted on coming home was 18 months ago after a bout with cellulitis in her leg left her unable to get up again and pivot to her commode. I was sick and tired of getting calls and texts about how awful the food was, how she was starving, how they weren't doing any physical therapy and she might as well sit in her chair all day at home that I let her wear me down and come home. It was the biggest mistake I ever made with her care. I somehow managed to get her in my car and my son got her in the wheelchair and she never stood again. She spent the next two months urinating on pads in her chair because she couldn't get up and refused to even consider going back to the hospital, which of course eventually had to happen. The last 8 months was a merry-go-round of hospitalizations and rehab visits alternating with time at home in between where she laid in a wet bed most of the day while I was at work because she refused to allow her adult grandson (my son) to change her nor would she hire anyone to help. The last time they told me they were releasing her back to the house I told her she could not come home without a catheter. The hospital balked but I held firm and they did it. She died 3 months later, having spent the last year of her life chair/bedridden. Had I made her stay in rehab as long as they would keep her that first time 18 months ago, her last year might not have been so awful.
Letting her come home before she is ready to resume an able life can have a long term cascading effect and I would simply tell her no.
We are going to encourage her to stay, she isn't saying anything to the nurse about going home. So if we can get some more time in the hospital setting with rehab and medical oversight, that will be better for her.
I want things the way they were. I want to be pain-free. I want my familiar things around me. I want to do what I like. I want to not be bossed around, do rehab work, eat food I don't like, sleep in a different bed, etc etc. All of the above.
Makes me want to scream I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT & you want to go home but it is what it is. Just being home won't fix everything.
OK rant over.
My answer is always the same. Reach deep for empathy, then Yes I know you want to go home. The Doctor says you need (instert here: test, operation, rehab, more rehab, skilled nursing care, whatever it is). You will need to discuss what you do with the Doctor.
I learned never to be triangulated into being the middle person 'but my Mother wants...'. You want it - you make it happen. Harsh but too many in my family utter "I WANT" & expect me to change the world to make their wants, whims & wishes come true. *Magical Thinking*
If someone wants to discharge themself, get a taxi home, get into their house on their own, buys own food, pays own bills - then fine. But if not & they need my help... If I have gathered the info from the professionals & agree that home is not the best place yet, then I will state 'I do not agree, so I cannot help'.
I may listen to what they want but do what they NEED.
Divert and stall. They’ll discharge her soon enough. Hopefully she’ll go to rehab and not fight that as well, as she will do so much better with it.