Mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Our family is devastated, no discharge from hospital or anymore caregiving. Now what?

Please don't push radiation unless she strongly wants it. Even if it gives her a few more days, they won't be happy ones.

Start by asking about Hospice care. It sounds as though there is no "treating" her cancer, only making her more confortable.

Where is the disension coming from? Are there family members who want a second opinion? It's probably pretty easy to have her CAT scans sent to another hospital, but given the advanced state of your poor mom's dementia, I m not sure I see the point. Cancer treatment is brutal; do you see the point in subjecting her to more suffering?

Im pretty sure that hispice is the correct answer in this situation. You want her to be in no pain and free from anxiety and agitation.

(((((Hugs))))))

I am so sorry for your family.

Unfortunately things will happen within the family as they have always happened.

May God grant you all strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

So sorry you are having to make these difficult decisions.

Me, not big on Chemo if not guaranteed to cure. Lost an Aunt at 80 to lung cancer. I really think she did the first bout of Chemo for my Mom. She refused the second bout. My sister died from an aggressive breast cancer. She was on chemo 8 months, only to pass about 4 months later because the cancer had spread to her brain. Would she have lived just as long if she hadn't done Chemo?

Chemo does a number on our bodies. It effects the heart. You have no immunity. You are sick and throwing up. Personally, I would not put someone suffering from Dementia through this. They will not understand what is going on.

Sorry that Hospice didn't seem to work for a family member but this is how I look at it. The person on Hospice will eventually pass. Morphine is given to elevate pain and ease breathing. A person on Hospice should not experience pain. Its suppose to keep the person comfortable so they can pass comfortably. Overdose or not, the person passed peacefully. You have to look at the quality of life.

Does Mom/Grandma have dementia, or is she mentally capable of making decisions with you? About both financial and medical care, almost all answers depend upon this answer, as to moving forward. If she is currently hospitalized contact the Social Worker at once. She or he is going now to be an excellent guide for you, and you may only have access during hospitalization.

First, has your mother been living with you or you with her? If you have been living with her, you will need to keep the possibility of needing to find new living arrangements in mind.

Your profile says Mum has dementia, so if her paperwork, Will/POA documents are not in order, that ship may have sailed. If Mum does not have a Will, you need to find out what happens when someone dies intestate in your Province/State.

Talk to the social worker at the hospital about what services are available to your family.

In your post you say no discharge from the hospital. Do you mean to home, but perhaps to a nursing home, or she will stay in the hospital?

Talk to the doctor about Palliative Care, ask lots of questions and take notes.

Has Mum discussed in the past what she wants for a funeral? Covid-10 has changed how we mourn, but there should be some way to include her wishes and or cultural practices.

You are worried that your family is going to break, do you have a trusted advisor to whom you can speak? There are a great many posts on this site from people whose families have broken over caregiving and the death of a family member. It is a sad situation.

My step father died 6 weeks after getting a cancer diagnosis 2 years ago. He has been diagnosed with dementia a couple years before. For him it was a blessing in disguise. He stayed in the hospital, a couple times he was scheduled for discharge, but the doctor realized that there was no way Mum could manage him at home. He had 24/7 professional care, family had unlimited access to him (before Covid-19), and Mum was able to catch bits of her life at home.

It was not easy for the family to have him go from being healthy other than the dementia, to being deathly ill. But during those weeks, his daughter was able to visit several times. Mum was able to get support from the Minister, Hospice, family and friends. Even the lawyer who prepared David's documents was an incredible help and a true friend to Mum, helping her enact the POA documents, deal with banks that did not want to accept them, and after death he helped to settle the estate.

Dear "atanimpass06,"

I'm so sorry that your family is going through the devastation of mom/gramma's diagnosis. That alone is hard enough but, to deal with dissension, anger, fear and more on top of it only makes it that much more difficult.

I can't imagine her having to go through radiation treatments for what could just be a couple weeks or months. When my husband's father was diagnosed with cancer, he was only in his 40's. He was a big, strong man but let me tell you my husband, who was 16 had to drive him to a hospital two hours away for his chemotherapy and he would always get extremely sick in the car after each treatment.

In my own case when my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer in 2004 at the age of 82 even though surprisingly he told the Oncologist he would try the chemotherapy, it would have only kept him alive for a very short time. I knew my dad well - I just couldn't see him being able to handle it. We had a long talk and I told him I didn't want to see him suffer and that I would like to have hospice come to our home (my parent's home where I grew up) and have them do an assessment. He trusted my judgement and that was the route we took. He remained home until he passed away three weeks later. They took such good care of him. It was my first death of a loved one and to this day, I have never been more grateful and thankful for God's mercy. Honestly, it was meant to be - I never heard of hospice before and while I was desperately trying to figure out what to do I heard a radio commercial for a hospice company. I called right away to have them send me their information packet and everything fell into place from there. The strange thing was I never heard that commercial again until many years after my father had passed away and I had listened to the same station, at the same time everyday.

May God give His strength, wisdom and mercy upon mom/gramma, you and your whole family in the days ahead.

P.S. I just read your reply to someone who commented. I think we live in the same city and I just got a great hospice company for my mom now. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a previous one here.

So sorry your mom and her loved ones are going through this. But, we all know when our candle gets to the bottom, we don't know long it will take for it to go out. At this stage and your description, I would opt for hospice now. Which one. There are like zillions, exaggerated, yeah. But Hospice of the Valley is supposed to be a really good, compassionate one. My husband fell in AL, cracked the bone just under his eye and the emergency doc asked if I wanted to have surgery to fix it. He left it that a plastic surgeon would talk with me. After 5 days in the hospital, giving him diabetic food which he couldn't eat due to chronic IBS, the plastic surgeon visited me. He right away asked me if I really wanted my husband to have this type surgery. I didn't even think. We all knew he was on his last since he had 3 falls within a few weeks. The doctor highly stated, don't do it. The AL arranged for hospice at the AL, took him there, they set up a different bed, and other safety measures. Explained that he would have a caregiver with him at all times. Gave me all the information that I needed to know. Sadly, while they were fixing his room for his safety, he had a stroke, and another a few minutes later, and passed before he could get anymore hospice care. They notified Neptune Society for me and arranged for transfer to a funeral home of Neptune's choice.
I had a neighbor whose mother kept falling, had stroke, heart problems, and she had hospice in her home for 5 years. A daughter was full time caregiver, but hospice was there every day till she had to be hospitalized due to a stroke.
You are bettr off getting hospice now and be sure all the papers are executed in case she gets worse. There is nothing worse than watching your loved one struggle with eating (mine refused all food the last month), or do anything other than lay there. Consider hospice as soon as you can-for everyone's sake, not just yours or your loved one's. Your loved one will be comforted by very nice people.

So sad to hear not only the bad news for your mother, but that family has to make things worse by not working together.

I've not had experience with hospice, but being on this forum, I've read about the experiences of others. Like any business, and even employees within the business, these can vary widely. My understanding is that if you are not having a good experience/relationship with one selected, you can terminate them and switch to another. Try the one sent to you privately (if you don't know how to access that, ask!)

Given she has dementia as well as the lung cancer, forgoing treatment might be the best path. As much as we don't want to give up on our LOs, we also don't want to see them suffer. My mother just turned 97 and is past halfway through year 4 in MC. The only treated condition she has, besides the dementia, is high BP, which she's had for a very long time (has taken medication for years.) While I'm doing everything I can to manage her affairs and see to her needs in MC, if she were to get a terminal Dx I would'nt want to put her through any extraordinary measures. She did request DNR during the first round of EC atty documents and specified what she would and wouldn't want for treatment too. She's had UTIs in MC, but those are easily treated and treatment is'nt invasive. She had knee pain about 2 years ago (knew, and said many times, she should've had knee replacement done.) Rather than continue with large doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, as suggested by her doc at the time, I took her to orthopedic. They did xrays and confirmed that she should've had it done. He said if she were 20 years younger, we'd be talking surgery. There was no way, even if he suggested it, that I'd put her through that, given her age and condition. What I requested he did - injection in the knee to help reduce any pain. So far, it hasn't come back.

As to finances, whether she can sign any documents is highly dependent on her dementia status. Mom was deemed capable by our EC atty although she was in the early stages. He was used before, to set up everything for mom when dad wasn't well, so we knew and trusted him. He chatted with her alone and was satisfied she could sign. If your mother has assets AND can be determined competent enough to sign documents, you should try to pursue that. IF she is willing to do this, I would include at least one other family member to witness the decisions and signing. Select from those who are most opposed - it might ward off any contention later that she was coerced or incompetent.

Signing over the house to a trust or those she'd want to have it would be good. Getting access to her account so that you can process any bills/payments she needs to make would be good too. The bank may insist you use their forms, but obviously she can't go to the bank! I had no problem with ours when using the POA to assume control of mom's finances (YB and I were also on her primary acct, which likely helped - I brought her with me, but she said nothing and just rifled through her purse and wallet, at both banks!) A good EC atty, if you can afford one (with her assets hopefully) can usually push the bank to work with you.

Technically in order to use her SS funds to make payments, you should sign up as Rep Payee (their rules!) However, that process can take some time, first to get appt to file and then waiting for it to complete review. I wouldn't stress over that at this time.

If no atty considers her competent, guardianship is the next step, but it's often expensive and time-consuming - sometimes they can process it as emergency, given the situation, but at least start with getting atty to work with you and her. It's much easier and quicker to honor her wishes if it's managed before. Certainly it can be done via probate, but that takes time, and with some contention within the family, it could get dragged out longer!

All the best to you, your mom and family in this difficult time. :-(

I will just say that we used hospice twice, once for my mother and once for my father. In both cases, we waited too long to take full advantage of their services which did help my mother - they washed her hair for her - and would have helped my father - I think he would have liked music as a distraction. They think of things I was too distressed and overwhelmed to think of. I was reluctant to have them dispense medication and could have refused it. They told me it was less than a surgical patient would receive and would ease their breathing. Of course, if your body is already shutting down, the medication will facilitate that. It is a very hard decision to accept that your parent isn't coming back from this.