86-year-old mom's hallucinations and delusions are getting out of control! What can I do?

OMG! This is sooo my life with my mother. She claims that my boyfriend rides a motorcycle and he is married and so I am an adulterer messing with a married man. WHAT?? I am in a long-distance relationship and she has done face-time with my boyfriend. But, that means nothing, we chalk it up to sundowning. Every night before she goes to bed she tells me not to let this man on the motorcycle come in the house. She has says that she hears him, "beating me up" at night and when I wake up in the morning I have bruises all over my face. My mom was taking lexapro in the evening, but she has been refusing it for a week or so. We have it in liquid form. I've been living with the "motorcycle man" love affair scenario for 2 years now. It is only in the summertime because she sees and hears people ride motorcycles in our neigborhood. In the winter time I am "sneaking" men in the house when she goes to sleep and they "sneak out" before she wakes up in the morning. When I stay late at work (which I don't do, got to get home to relieve the caregiver) I'm most definitely out with some man when I should be home with her. So I understand what you are going through. I don't know what's going to happen if and when my relationship moves to marriage, my mom is already mad that I leave to go to work everyday. Having someone else move in and me split my time may be h*ll on earth for her. You are not alone in this, I am glad I am not the only one who is going through this. I thought I was the only one who's mother calls her a whore/fornicator/adulterer ...etc...

My husband used to call me a whore all the time and acuse me of sleeping with all the men, dogs and goats in the community. It was upsetting but his geriatric doctor says his preoccupation with sex is the dementia and frontal lobe of the brain affected. It was so bad once called the police as he was angry that i had men in the house hiding. 
My solution was to sit and talk to him about his feelings and suspicions. When he says he sees men I ask him to describe them and to ask them their names.
He usually says they don't talk to him and after a while he stops.
Another thing I find is that we tend to forget humans are sexual beings and still think about sex at any age. I find that he still thinks about sex especially if he sees some sex like scene on TV or hears any conversation on the radio. So I talk to him about his feelings about sex. I allow him his privacy especially while bathing him and at nights to rediscover himself and I find he calms down. Its my husband so I guess my methods are easier for me I sometimes let him just touch me anywhere he wants or just sit close to him and hug him. He comes around in no time.
For your mother I guess you could invite an older male friend to sit and talk to her. It may sound distasteful but its worth a try. He could ask her about her husband or sex life when she was younger. I do it with my husband also. Let's be real our older loved ones are living what we may face one day and their feelings for basic activities like food, laughter and sex don't get addressed as it should everyday. Another thing I notice that allowing him to watch me dance is also pleasurable for him, and sometimes I dance with him. He likes the physical contact apparently. I also just act silly and kiss him on the neck or act serious and shout to the imagined guest to please leave, now. He likes that too. Sometimes he will say one or more persons has left. Its just my solution and it avoids the stress, we have to protect our selves from being too stressed and stressing out our loved ones also.

Tell your mom that she has made you see 'the way' & that you are taking courses to become a nun & take the veil- when you are leaving house it is for that course -

Talk to priest & get him on line to help - have him come to house on visits for communion & prayer -

When she gets antsy ask her to help 'pick your nun name' - tell her that you can't start for a while as your are going through your postulant phase so she won't think you are leaving soon -

Try giving it a shot ... because it can't be worse than what's going on now! - if she is like my mom. she thinks about the high road of Catholicism but has little to no actual knowledge about how the church functions & what she did know is far out of date - get that priest to help you with this as he is part of the church that is causing the underlying problems in first place - I'm NO LONGER R.C. & quite happy about it

I might be in the minority here, but I do not plan to humor the woman I work for when it comes to her delusions. She sees dogs, cats, family members who are not in the home. She always thinks she sees smoke, thinks people are moving/stealing from her, etc. We tell her right out that whatever she sees is not there. I am not going to take the chance that in her state of confusion, that she calls 911 or heaven forbid, runs into the street because she thinks the house is on fire. For the time being, she stops when we tell her that something isn't there, but I am dreading the day when she fights with us or becomes combative. For the record, I am only an employee and have no say whatsoever when it comes to specialists, medications, etc.

I agree with so many others about the UTI first. Then find another doctor. There are medications out there that don't have to be sedatives. This is not good for either of you. Does she have any faith/belief in you at all? Can you come up with something like you agree with her so have told your "boyfriend" that he has to stop coming over....? Best of luck to you.

My mom has similar issues. She now takes 50mg of seroquel at night. It has not stopped her delusions, but has stopped the fear associated with them. She is sleeping better. Seroquel may have side effects but no one was getting any sleep before she was on it. Sometimes you just have to decide what's worse. Xanax worked too, but it was decided Seroquel was best.

Check the meds she is on currently. My husband started taking Gabapentin and he was having delusions, so I told the doctor to take him off of them. Once he was off of it, he was okay. Other meds might have the same side effect. Just a suggestion.

Sorry, I'm new to the site and with posting. I see you have checked for UTIs. I agree too sometimes I can't go along 100% with dad's reality, but I've learned, disagreeing only makes things worse.

My dad talks about nudity and women and it grosses me out. It's unbelievable what is locked inside the brain.

Geropsychiatrist is where you need to get help.

Again, my best.

Hi liverlips. Your story is so much like me and my dad. His GP was also very reluctant to give or continue antipsychotics, when another GP in the clinic did prescribe them, due to his low blood pressure and he also has a heart condition which the cardiologist said is not severe enough to treat as yet.

He is also amazing for his 94 years and in the end, when he was trying to break in under the house to, I'm not sure, either confront the "people" who torment him or to hide, I called an ambulance. He stayed in hospital for just over a week where they agreed he needed the antipsychotics even though there is a risk to his heart. The psychiatric team have been wonderful in their care of, not just dad but also me.

I'm in Australia, so Im not sure if you can just call an ambulance in the same way, but I am at last getting treatment for him.

Unfortunately dad has just had a urine and chest infection, so 1 step forward, 1 step back. The antibiotics also do a lot of damage, so hopefully my dad will get some peace again once the antibiotics are finished. That's another thing, make sure there is no infection going on. I keep urine test strips at home because dad is so susceptible to infections.

Bingosmum

When I was getting my dad healthy and off all the prescription drugs that he didn't need, there was not one traditional dr that would help me, since their agenda is different.
I finally took my dad to a good iridologist and it has been life changing, not only for him, but me also.
To me, if it's not a deep seated infection with your mom, she if probably lacking minerals. Minerals play a major part in neurological health. Also, is she drinking enough water?
But honestly the iridologist was able to tell me exactly what was wrong with my dad and what he needed to get well, be well and stay well.
After a year of iridology, he is amazing.
I hope this helps.

Just wondering if people who grew up with heavy doses of worry about avoiding illicit sex have thoughts in their brains that were repressed and are now resurfacing. (Doesn't mean that moral values shouldn't be taught, but not with an unhealthy emphasis.)

My Mom was diagnosed with psychosis with her dementia. Maybe she needs meds for that?? I know it sure helped Mom with her delusions and anxiousness.

Oops forgot one more tip. Document the person's behavior. Include any falls, etc. Nothing fancy - either on a calendar or a simple timeline. I find that if you try to think back it is hard to remember! It really helps when they are diagnosed.

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I also went through this with my dad who died three years ago at 92 and had horrible delusions, hallucinations and combative behaviors. Now my mom is living with us at 95 and is entering into the last stage of Alzheimer's. She was having hallucinations and delusions but this is what I did.
1. First off- google mobile physicians, palliative care, and or hospice organizations in your area. I found that it may take several phone calls but these are the experts and will come to your home to see the 'real' person. I finally found a hospice organization that has a Palliative care for dementia program that mom is in. She doesn't yet qualify for Hospice. They are awesome. Social Worker, nurse, home care. They did all the testing right here in our home.
2. It may take some 'experimenting' but this is what works for my mom: Celexa for her constant behaviors of wanting to move, packing, etc. It helps even out her moods. Seroquel for sundowning and helps get her settled for evening. I give it to her around 4 pm. We just had to add Trazodone for sleep. All of these together do not make my mom drowsy.....just more tolerable.
3. Call your local police dept. office and ask if you can have your mom's info put into the system.
4. Go along to get along is our motto here. Don't argue - its not worth it.
5. My mom still has a phone in her room but it is unplugged and she cannot get to the outlet. She no longer can use it anyway.
Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Not sure what happen but my last text was Meds and lost weight

My dad 93 at the time started hallucinating. We cut his Ned's in half in about 2 days he started getting better. My dad is 95 1/2 now and doing well. If she had list any weight then her meds need to be adjusted.

Wow! After all this time, you must certainly feel overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. My 87 year old mom is also having delusions/hallucinations (visual and auditory), but nothing like what you're going through. First time was UTI-related, but now it's more dementia-related. When it's really bad though, we always have the nurse check for UTI, which it is 95% of the time. Thank you for sharing what you're experiencing. It helps to know there are others struggling to provide care for their mentally/physically impaired parents. More importantly, it's sobering to know the great difficulties my family is experiencing could be much worse. I only pray you're taking care of yourself first, which seems impossible for me.

I hope you do get her into a geriatric Pysch dr. Mine is a "regular" psych doc and he lets me be as involved as I can be with my meds. I have had a terrible time sleeping for the last 20+ years. He has patiently worked with me, as good sleep is so basic to a healthy mind and body.
SO---having ONE dr say "she can't be on anything, her pulse is too low" is dismissive and even cruel, Likely said by an overworked doc who just hasn't got TIME to care. Time to find one who knows more. (Actually, talk to your PHARMACIST!!! They actually are better versed in pharmacological stuff and probably can rattle off a dozen drugs that would help mom. Then you go to your apt armed with a list of possibilities.
I wouldn't give up hope. If she would sleep at night, your days would be far more pleasant.

My mother also thinks every man who looks at her "wants her". Maybe the aging process kicks the "filter" button into the off position. I cannot believe the stuff she says. You're not alone in this--good luck finding something to calm her down.

I appreciate all of your feedback, however, for those of you who would encourage me to go along with her delusions -- if you re-read my message it says that mom is afraid that my "boyfriend" (or me) wants to kill her. She is petrified of the "man," and sometimes me. Telling her I gave him the key to the house would make her hysterical. I still agree with those of you who say anti-psychotics might help. I'm going to check into that.

When my dad began having hallucinations it was discovered that one of his drugs was interacting with another one. When that issue was resolved he stopped seeing birds flying around in his assisted living area.

I have had 30 years of extensive involvement with my mother's problems. I worked in healthcare (internal medicine which is primarily senior +). My mother suffered from scary delusions (there is a theme of CIA - spying - sexual implications - being murdered) and there is only one thing that gave her relief: R-E-L-I-E-F. And that is the anti-psychotic Risperdal. Low Dose for her. Every single pill manufactured comes with some "downside" - It is up to the doctor/patient caregiver to find a balance between side effects and the HORROR that our loved ones go through due to their very scary delusions. Because I have 30 years of experience with her, with psychosis, dementia, etc, I can vouch 100 percent that for the patient who is having the delusions, they ARE suffering too (and it gets worse if untreated). It is easy to be angry about it, but one must put themselves in their shoes. Among my mom's multiple delusions were children being dropped down skylights by the bad guys to kill her. I would offer to get lumber and nails to "stop them" by boarding up the skylights- but she didn't really want that, but it helped her to know that I was on her side. My mother's senior community Social Workers called me at work and said that she would have to leave (sell and move) even though she owned the condo if she didn't get help (since the neighbors were complaining about her turning them in to Security for crimes they did not commit) I began working with a psychiatrist for her. It did not take many visits to get the correct RX combination. I said to the Psychiatrist, "What will keep her taking the pill nightly since she does not feel she has an illness?" - And the doctor very wisely said to me, "Because she will begin to make an association that WHEN SHE TAKES the pill, the monsters go away and she feels better, safer". This all worked. She was cooperative. I retired and bought a place next door to her in that same senior community - she did great. Then she needed AL and Memorycare where she is now 96 and considering her age, she is doing well, still on Risperdal (low dose - sometimes needs dosage changes). As much as we would like to NOT give anybody any pills, for those who suffer with scary or mean delusions, it is relief for them, for you.

I agree with going along with her delusions. Sometimes, however, it can backfire! My mom didn't know who I was and was asking if I was going to get married. I played along with it, then, unbeknownst to me, she was in reality and started worrying that my husband and I were getting a divorce over this other man. Oh my! Your mom definitely needs to be on an antipsychotic medication. It has helped my mother tremendously, but she still has odd moments now and then. But my sister and I are no longer part of a gang selling drugs! Can you imagine what a horrible world your mother must be living in. She needs relief as much as you do.

Dear LL, before my mother passed last November, 90% of her hallucinations and delusions were about sex. She called the facility she was at "a brothel". Absolutely everyone there was having sex, under her bed, in her roommates bed, coming through secret passages in her closet and stalking her and stealing her underwear. Any time anyone, staff or patients, went into a room, they were having sex. I tried everything, including telling her to be a lady and ladies didn't talk about such things. She was tested monthly for a UTI and was on as much medication for anxiety as she could be. One day when she was delusional about a young man stalking her on his bicycle (in reality it was a woman in a wheelchair who was NOT stalking her), she became upset and told the aide who had just come into her room. Thinking on her feet, the aide said, "Oh, he got kicked out. He's not allowed in the building any more!" That was the last time she mentioned the "young boy on the bicycle". Maybe your cousin could do something like that and tell your mom, "Oh, they had a big fight and broke up."

I can tell you that after my mom being a prude all my life, hearing my mom talk like that turned my stomach. I always felt like going home and taking a shower. It also made me wonder what went on in her life that she was so constantly preoccupied with sex. I'll never know now, but will always wonder. Also, as far as using the phone goes, perhaps it's time to take the phone away. After the third time my mom called at 2AM, I pulled the phone out of her room. If she was inconsolable, the staff let her use their phone to call me.

Good luck. I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, for some reason, lots of people with dementia have delusions about sex and it's difficult to make sense out of it.

Can't you just tell your mom that yes he is coming over but she doesn't have to worry any more because you gave him a key. She's not going to remember anyway. I just go along with whatever my mom is saying--anything to keep her happy.

I have found that instead of telling the patient the truth, you should go along with their "delusion". Like: tell your mom that that boy friend is late or he be here in a couple of hours, etc.

LiverLips - don't feel like you're alone! My mom has delusions as well. Saturday when I was going to see her to bring lunch at her new Adult Foster Home - she told the other lady - who was meeting me there - that the 'house is bugged'! We MUST get out of here! This is only one of many of her paranoid delusions about people. Before that it was the neighbors having illicit affairs, the help I'd hire - the last woman was 'just a whore' who was after my husband - and on and on it went. She tells me now that she hears a voice telling her to stay in her chair unless one of us is with you! (That's what the nurses told her in the hospital because she was at risk of falling!)...but now she says she hears an 'angel' telling her that...

Anyway, I try to talk her down - and so far she hasn't attacked me to my face. However she did tell hospital staff that she was being 'abused' by her daughter - had me on the 'no contact' list for a while (off and on during her stay). Told them I was trying to poison her. After a psych evaluation they determined that she was not capable of making her own decisions - diagnosed with dementia and delirium - and I was removed from the 'no contact' list. They also told me upon closer evaluation and asking her pointed questions that she admitted that I'd never hurt her, but she felt I ignored her. I felt sad about that because I've done everything I could to help her - trying to get help and having her fire them one after the next. But that's another story...

One of the social workers told me that close family should not be caregivers - too much emotion there. It's best for the patient if they have others help them, hence the foster care home - my mom is adjusting slowly - and I've told her that she has dementia. She says that helps her understand why she thinks things that are not true. It's amazing that she can tell me that she also doubts that some of the things she remembers are really true and she says she trusts me to tell her the truth. So I was gentle and told her that under no circumstances what the foster home bugged. They were there to take care of her not to hurt her. She admits that her imagination runs wild - but that it seems so real to her! I've told her I will always tell her the truth and that I hope she can believe that once I tell her something isn't real - she will calm down. It seems to work for a time - then the next day it's something else; yesterday it was an early morning phone call to me to order breakfast. I told her to look for her big coffee mug and take it down to the dining room - and viola! They had coffee and breakfast for her there ....

It's a rough time to have to go through all this - I never know from one day to the next what she's going to say.

Have you considered another living arrangement for your mom? Assisted Living or Adult Foster Care where she would be removed from the phone (calls to police) or fearing for her safety; or judging you where there is nothing to be judged. Perhaps she can focus on other residents and you would become her daughter who visits and has better times together than trying to provide all the care.

I personally hopes my mother settles down (it's only the 2nd week there). She likes the other ladies there - only 4 other ladies at this home), and they like her. I'm hoping to be able to take lunch over there and crafts (paper dolls, coloring books, etc.) for mom and the ladies to have something fun to do...so far it's only been moving and organizing and work...but hopefully soon...we can enjoy each other's company sometimes...

Have you looked into groups that provide support for caregivers?

Here also we had a stop at the geriatric phyc. Dr. Awh...depakote morning and evening have made the men, crying babies and sundowners go so much better. My mom also has a low pulse. I too use the phrase " This too shall pass"! She also is on an antidepressant X 2. I know the sundowners is the worst. Sending you love.

In addition to the other suggestions here, I recommend getting rid of the house phone. You probably either already have or can easily get a cell phone that you can keep with you. That will solve the trying to call the police or anywhere else she might reach trying to just dial numbers (My mom accidentally called someone in another country - lol)

You are not alone... And it is such a difficult phase. But it does pass and get better. I was just getting my mom ready for bed, she is stage 7 now, and she was all smiles and laughing. When my step dad called to say good night, she sang Happy birthday ( she got the tune right and a few coherent words but it is so delightful!) , it is his birthday and we sang in the morning too, she even said "I love you" to him 3 times. We sure live for you these moments!

Thank you all for your insightful answers. She has been checked and there's no UTI. I like the idea of taking her to a geriatric psychiatrist, if I can find one in my area. I agree that there's got to be SOMETHING she can take to bring her back to her senses somewhat. I too believe that an anti-psychotic might be the answer. Please keep sharing you opinions. I'm getting some good information here -- and thanks to those of you that have had some similar issues. Its nice to hear that perhaps I'm not the only one out there dealing with this.